Broken record
 

Yep, that's what I feel like. I keep quitting drinking and then I keep quitting sobriety. I know whats missing.... Meetings. I haven't been to a meeting in a couple of months. I get a stretch of time under my belt and then bam, I screw it up. I have read so many books thinking that between the lines I will find the easier softer way. Well, I find it easier to drink than not to drink sometimes. I don't conciously drink to numb anything, I just do it cuz that's what people around here do. I drink at home, to avoid public humiliation basically. I recently have had a major falling out with my former step mother and she said things to me that are completely untrue and very very hurtful. Every time I drink, I text or email her with my thoughts and want her to hurt as much as I do. I know it's not right, and I am a better person than that. I sent her an email this morning apologizing. I am so disgusted with the person I see in the mirror. I hate myself. I hate that I just can't stick with sobriety. My emotions are so all over the place. I have lost so many nights due to blackouts, and I have lost so many good times to anxiety over worrying about what happened last night. I am a mess. I am melting pod of highs and lows. I am an embarrassment to myself. When I tell myself I got this, I am apparently fooling myself because I don't. It doesn't bother me to not drink. I don't have physical withdrawals, I have emotional ones. I beat myself up over everything and I am very very hard on myself when I drink. I punish myself between my own ears and I expect others to be as disappointed in me as I am in myself. But they aren't. And because of that I guess, I just drink again. I'm exhausted with life. I am emotionally spent and I just want the past to stay there, in the past. I don't want to be this person anymore. I want free from it all. I think I should commit to 90 in 90. I love the saying if you don't drink between meetings you can't get drunk. I need to abide by that. Ugh, I'm so disappointed in myself. I hate it. Sorry for rambling, guess I need to reset my sobriety date. Thanks for "listening". Please, keep me in your prayers. Guess I just took step 1. I AM powerless over alcohol. :a108:

If you want changes in your life ontherightpath, you have to be prepared to make changes.

I think it's really that simple - not easy - but simple.

I found there's always another option besides drinking - it may require more work, it may be uncomfortable the first few times, but it is the right choice, and it will bring dividends if you have a little faith and stick to it :)

D

Thanks dee, I do feel like I am at my bottom. I feel hopeless. I have had faith in the past, surely I can have it again. I will do WHATEVER it takes to get my life on track and be sober.

Very well written description of what it feels like being new. Nicely done.

Doing all the AA stuff made a difference in how I felt after a few months had passed of continuing to be whacked and feeling lously and confused.

You'd of course be welcomed back to make a fresh start. Hopefully minus the errors you made last time. 90/90 does nothing good for an alcoholic-just show up a lot and commit to call before you drink again. Forget about timetables and stressors. You're leaving the stressful life for a better and more relaxed one and shouldn't be manufacturing new ones for yourself.

Don't wait to feel/look good, or trust your head to pick a perfect time. Just begin.

I know whats missing.... Meetings

Going to meetings won't keep you sober. You need to get a sponsor and work the 12 steps. And you need to work your program daily.

That being said, go to a meeting today, and if you don't have one try to find a temporary sponsor.

On the Right Path,
It sounds as if you know what you need to go. Go back to AA. Find a sponsor. Take the steps out of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Live the program. The real change and the real recovery is in the twelve steps. You can go to a grocery store every day for ninety days, but if you don't buy any food, you are going to be mighty hungry. It works the same way with meetings: you can go to a meeting every single day, but if you don't take the actions to work the suggested program of recovery, you are going to be mighty thirsty. This doesn't have to continue to be a broken record, but if you keep doing what isn't working, not only will it be a broken record but it can get worse -- much worse.
Susan

I totally agree. I had a sponsor before, like 6 months ago.... And I liked her, but.... She has never relapsed and that is important to me to have someone who has screwed up their program in the past....you understand? I have the list of people who I can call, but that phone weighs 10,000 lbs and its the hardest phone call to make. That being said, I will do that right away. I'll call someone today and ask for their support. Thank you!

Try not to beat yourself up too much ontherightpath. Drinking is what people do everywhere, but you can't let that interfere with YOUR sobriety.

I'm in the AA program, have a sponser,work the steps. That's what works for me. It's a lifestyle change. It may seem a little strange at first, but then it starts to feel a little better. Now I at the point where I can't wait for my meetings. It's an hour of the day when I see myself in so many other people and connect with them in ways I don't connect even with my wife(please, no one tell her that). It's a wonderful thing.
I'm part of something much bigger than me, and that's an awesome place to be.

God bless.

So, if you're powerless over alcohol, how are you going to not drink between meetings?

I don't want to sound like I'm judging, ontherightpath. When I saw your last set of posts, about being tempted and 'overcoming' it, I thought to myself, "There's a lady that's in trouble." Why would I think that when it sounded like you were doing well? It's because I've seen thousands of alcoholics do the same exact thing. A little confidence, a few successes with not drinking, and then BAM, off the deep end.

When the AA Big Book was being written, they asked a doctor who ran a detox/treatment center to offer his observations of the alcoholics he saw.
Does that sound like you, ontherightpath? Quitting, staying dry for a time, getting drunk, emerging remorseful and swearing off again?

The doctor's observation was that these people, people like you and me, just simply didn't get better. They didn't recover unless the could undergo some kind of psychic change that shifted the whole foundation of their thinking. It was similar to the observation that Carl Jung made of alcoholics at that time.

The 12 Steps are the actions that many, many of us have taken to produce that psychic change.

Great post Keith, that's the essence of the program right there.

God bless.

Thank you Keith. I am going to get a sponsor and I am going to work the steps. I am going to be held accountable. And I am going to restore my faith to my higher power. I realize that it's too much to try to conquer this on my own. I just simply cannot do it. I don't expect you to believe what I say, but all I can do is prove myself and get better, for me. This is my recovery. I can do it.

I agree that the phone sometimes weighs 10,000 pounds. I'm not good at calling other AA members because I feel like I'm interrupting their life. That's something I probably need to improve however I've got a decent amount of sober time now so maybe it's not that critical for me.

Hope things are better since you started this post back in jan 2011. I hope you have put that bat down on beating yourself up, found a sponsor, hit the steps and breathed the air of freedom.

I have often wanted to ask people this very question.

Hi Ontherightpath,

You can do it if you want it enough. Put your sobriety as number one in your life and you will get sober and reap the rewards of a sober life and never have to feel as miserable as you described, (good description by the way).

I really wish you all the best
CaiHong

For some reason your committment to the new path waned, then broke.

With due respect to the others, I suggest a review of how that came about.

I joined sr in feb '11. I posted this threading jan '12. Been almost a year since I have faced the fact that I have a drinking problem. I am working on not beating myself up.
@instant: you are right, it waned, because I guess I didn't want it bad enough. I wasn't desperate enough. I couldn't hand over my control to my higher power for long enough.
@caihong thank you for your support. I don't want to feel that miserable ever again either. It's a low place.

I hear the words echo of a fellow aa'er " I walked into these rooms prepared to pick and choose what steps I wanted to do, and ya know where it got me? Right back to drinking again" I thought she was nuts. Now I see exactly where she is coming from. And at one point she looked at me and said I know you, because you are a younger version of me. Again, I thought she was crazy, but now I respect her for that and she has 8 years under her belt, from doing it the right way. I'm going to ask her to be my sponsor. Because really, I need a sponsor who has relapsed, and I need a sponsor who is a type a no bs kind of person. That's my girl. I can't wait to call her!!!! :c029:

That's exactly how I felt when I was drinking. I felt like I was teetering on the edge emotionally and mentally. When the idea of drinking pops into my head, I think about those days.

Find what works for you and do something daily to stay motivated. I'm my own worst enemy, so in addition to recovery stuff I'm working on being kinder to myself. I'm excited about your getting a sponsor - keep moving forward (one day at a time!):c031:

Your post is right where I have been several times in the past 3 years. I would stop drinking.. I would start drinking.. I would stop.. and start... and I was attending AA. When I first started attending I thought that there was no way this program was for me. I thought I was smart then everyone in those rooms. I wanted to learn to drink without consquences... I didn't want to stop drinking forever.

But, it wasn't until I was at a place where I was spiritual depleated and ran down that I started to understand that I could lose people, places and things... but, until I lost my spiritual hope that I wouldn't stop drinking. When that happened... the AA'ers were still there and they still wanted to help me. I was truly grateful! I am still truly grateful today! I have 52 days sober!

Saliena