Tried, Failed, Self Harm *trigger*
 

I tried...I failed...I tried and have been doing so well with not drinking, especially during the day....
And then I got into a huge fight with the bf where he mocked me....the booze doesn't do it for me anymore... I have cut back so much...there are 8 bottles of booze at my place at a time where I don't touch...I do still drink during the night, but haven't touched it during the day...the last week or so I mean...not a huge accomplishment but big enough.
Whatever....
I know a lot of people will deal with stress with booze......
But I have gone backwards totally...

I have done something to myself that is a bit harmful more so than booze....or is it, I don't know. I just needed to share because NO ONE in my life understand...

I have written and deleted this post so many times...
There is no sense in apologizing, as some people said in my life, it's a sob story that I am apparently trying to get. Have people feel sorry for me.

Just thank you to everyone.

Bayliss you keep posting so you must want to quit. If you quit using you have one less problem in your life. Because I keep trying, and because I reach out and ask for help, I am 4 months 9 days off crack. Everybody here is rootin for ya. :Flower111

I don't know what you've done Bayliss, but I hope you'll come back soon to tell us you're ok.

If you need medical attention please call 911.

D

Hi bayliss -

I do feel for you..... I spent a good year or two trying to cut back and always ended up losing the battle. It's a vicious cycle because we become depressed and disappointed in ourselves, which only makes that drink more appealing.

Any amount of alcohol, no matter how little, keeps the battle raging (and us in the ditch). Wouldn't you rather be free?

Prayers to you.
I hope to see you back soon. We all need each-other.

Bob

Im glad that you posted.

I have found that people on this site are so caring and willing to help.

You mentioned that you have gone backwards... I bet almost everybody here can relate to that.

Please keep posting....

Glad you posted. This place and these people have saved me 100's of times. That is when I allowed them too.

Failure = All Failure is = Failure Is Success Turned Inside Out

Blessings to you!

Bay...you have been posting a long time. Each time I read your threads, alcohol is involved.

There are many out there who can stop drinking on their own using AVRT or another program like SMART, etc.

For this drunk, I needed a group of others who found that only with help from people like me could I maintain any kind of time sober.

Maybe you are the same way?

For me, I go to AA. I have a sponsor and though I procrastinate, I am working the steps. Actually, I mull them in my head every day every hour ever morning and ever night.

It keeps me from drinking.

Maybe it could work for you?

Such a sad fact of life, for people like us. I too, just a couple of weeks ago, still thought I'd be able to just have that one glass of wine with dinner. I was hell bent on not having to let go of that.

But one glass ALWAYS turns into a whole bottle and then another one too. Any amount of alcohol just makes my brain start doing cartwheels and brings out the unintelligent, defiant caveman in me. Where do I get another glass? Where do I get another glass?

Then the next morning is like hell, and so is the entire day too. And then you have to start ALL over. I am learning how to fight the urges now. Distract yourself.

I could never handle having booze at home. Throw it out! At one point or another I would cave in and have a glass. Pour it out!

I feel sorry to hear nothing's changed.

Glad you are back here, so what are you going to do different this time?

Bayliss, can you see the insanity in the two statements I joined together? This is exactly the type of thing that the BB is talking about in that 'cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false' sentence.

I don't know of a single, serious problem drinker for whom that approach has worked.

when you've done something that is "harmful to yourself", you're the one that is constantly suffering.....no matter with what, trying to control drinking, getting angry and engaging with someone who is disrespectful to you, getting frustrated with your life...

YOU are the one suffering the most. (i was the same way, and one day self-preservation kicked in). I hope you find the strength to pull yourself together enough to stop this cycle...it's not going to get better. "just drinking at night"....can lead to all night long, and spending the day hungover and depressed. you are worth much more than that. BF is disrespecting you, he's not supporting you. You do have the power to change your circumstances......but you have to stick with your decisions.

I really think that any kind of FTF support from anyone you trust would make a big difference in your outlook. BF seems to be isolating you.

i hope you can get off the garbage truck before it gets to the dump. my opinion? let bf ride it to the dump and leave him there...

Are you OK bayliss? Please check in when you can.

Thank you everyone for posting.
I had not the greatest of days on Friday.
I am checking in - working on a lot of things right now with regards to myself...
I will come back in a few days...lots of anxiety today...

You're all so wonderful to keep encouraging me to keep going. I really appreciate it. Hopefully this time I start taking care of myself instead of self-sabotaging.

Thanks again everyone.

So glad you checked in!!

May be it's time to do something different?

Yea I definitely think so...
I was going to drink...I told my boyfriend to pick up a bottle of wine and he refused and I went into a panic and actually started crying!! HOW SAD IS THAT???
I usually dealt with the anxiety (and my OCD) with drinking to quiet the thoughts down but I can't do this now...
Now no booze...and I am totally on edge right now...
I just want to go to bed...but I guess that in itself is better than drinking...

I think I am going to call my Doc tomorrow.

Bayliss, I'm glad to see you back. And, it's good that you are going to see your dr.

I think seeing your doctor would be a smart thing to do, be honest with him/her so you can get the assistance you need and deserve. I hope you have a peaceful night.