can't forget to breathe
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Newburgh
Posts: 868
You are definately not alone Karioka! Post and read to your hearts content. Alot of us have been beaten down pretty bad by alcohol and other things we've done.
Just take it day by day. Try some of those AA meetings. Remember, everyone there had to walk in that door for their first time.
You can have a beautiful, sober life if you really want it.
God bless.
Just take it day by day. Try some of those AA meetings. Remember, everyone there had to walk in that door for their first time.
You can have a beautiful, sober life if you really want it.
God bless.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: London, UK
Posts: 29
thanks for that, Zeba!
I'm stuck at work for the next ten days. That means stress, a bit of a challenge, a bit of anxiety, but mainly stress...
Had dinner a couple of hours ago, opened a bottle of beer but stopped right there: poured it down the drain. How fab is that?! :) I am proud of myself and a little bit scared. It's all so real now... *sigh
Watching eastenders now [yeah I know, but not really watching as I'm typing here:)] and drinking tea. It's not bad at all at work :)
But the day hasn't been all smiley at all. Had a very angry afternoon - no reason as usual, just full of spite and jealousy and bitterness. At least I've learned (learnt??) that it passes, the anger, I mean, it passes.. If I just breathe and think of something good, like... I don't know... the time in my life when I'll be living in the countryside, breeding border-collies :) Ah, yeah, that'll overpower my angry moments.
I sound... relaxed. I feel good, actually. I don't count my sober days. It'll always be day one, as far as I'm concerned, minus the agony. So I won't count, I've decided.
Forgot to mention I quit smoking as well. I'm fabulous! :)
Good evening everyone!
I'm stuck at work for the next ten days. That means stress, a bit of a challenge, a bit of anxiety, but mainly stress...
Had dinner a couple of hours ago, opened a bottle of beer but stopped right there: poured it down the drain. How fab is that?! :) I am proud of myself and a little bit scared. It's all so real now... *sigh
Watching eastenders now [yeah I know, but not really watching as I'm typing here:)] and drinking tea. It's not bad at all at work :)
But the day hasn't been all smiley at all. Had a very angry afternoon - no reason as usual, just full of spite and jealousy and bitterness. At least I've learned (learnt??) that it passes, the anger, I mean, it passes.. If I just breathe and think of something good, like... I don't know... the time in my life when I'll be living in the countryside, breeding border-collies :) Ah, yeah, that'll overpower my angry moments.
I sound... relaxed. I feel good, actually. I don't count my sober days. It'll always be day one, as far as I'm concerned, minus the agony. So I won't count, I've decided.
Forgot to mention I quit smoking as well. I'm fabulous! :)
Good evening everyone!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 82
Hi Karioka,
Your posts are inspiring. I quit at the first of the year as well. It has been a rough road. AA is helping so give it a try. I'm not sure I could have quit smoking at the same time, but good for you
Your posts are inspiring. I quit at the first of the year as well. It has been a rough road. AA is helping so give it a try. I'm not sure I could have quit smoking at the same time, but good for you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: London, UK
Posts: 29
oh, stepping, how nice everybody is here and how much that helps!
my family doesn't live here so I'm pretty much alone. And lonely. I know few people, mostly guys I slept with but because I slept with them, we're not excatly mates. What can you do. Couple of girl-friends as well, but they do drink and would laugh at me if I were to tell them that yep, I'm an alocholic and I'd rather stop drinking now as it make me feel really bad. I don't know them too well but I don't think our friendship would still be the same once I stop going on the rip. There won't be much left if there's no drinking involved. I think. Maybe they'll surprise me, coz want it or not I'll have to tell them.
I did however share it with my dogs and they're cool about it
Sooo, I need to be here. I need to be able to recollect everything I've done to myself. I need to keep focused. That's it! I need to keep focused, far away from thoughts like one won't hurt, did three weeks [(who's counting??] surely one won't do any harm. I know that would be dead wrong. Besides I DON'T want a drink. The taste the hassle the everything.. I don't want one. But I need to say this as often as possible. Otherwise it won't work.
I said I quit smoking... Yeah, few months before.. Um it worked. The problem, the big problem was me thinking errr, excuse me, how am I suppose to go to the pub now??? I've relapsed, smoked every time I had a drink or two or eighteen. Next day hungover, feeling soooo guilty it was ridiculous, and feeling like crap with all the pain inside my over tired body.
I don't drink, I don't smoke and NO, I'm not boring! Oh, I don't do drugs either. Never had the money to try them Lucky me.
my family doesn't live here so I'm pretty much alone. And lonely. I know few people, mostly guys I slept with but because I slept with them, we're not excatly mates. What can you do. Couple of girl-friends as well, but they do drink and would laugh at me if I were to tell them that yep, I'm an alocholic and I'd rather stop drinking now as it make me feel really bad. I don't know them too well but I don't think our friendship would still be the same once I stop going on the rip. There won't be much left if there's no drinking involved. I think. Maybe they'll surprise me, coz want it or not I'll have to tell them.
I did however share it with my dogs and they're cool about it
Sooo, I need to be here. I need to be able to recollect everything I've done to myself. I need to keep focused. That's it! I need to keep focused, far away from thoughts like one won't hurt, did three weeks [(who's counting??
] surely one won't do any harm. I know that would be dead wrong. Besides I DON'T want a drink. The taste the hassle the everything.. I don't want one. But I need to say this as often as possible. Otherwise it won't work.I said I quit smoking... Yeah, few months before.. Um it worked. The problem, the big problem was me thinking errr, excuse me, how am I suppose to go to the pub now??? I've relapsed, smoked every time I had a drink or two or eighteen. Next day hungover, feeling soooo guilty it was ridiculous, and feeling like crap with all the pain inside my over tired body.
I don't drink, I don't smoke and NO, I'm not boring! Oh, I don't do drugs either. Never had the money to try them
Lucky me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: London, UK
Posts: 29
headstrong, I've resolved to try and go to one of the AA meetings, IF things get out of (my) hand. I'm not confident enough as in I can't keep my head up and speak to people. I'm actually quite paranoid, I suppose. But I made a(nother) promise to myself to keep an open mind, stop being silly and go and see those people when I can't do it anymore.
So far I'll stay around here, there is lots of information and I don't have to speak. :)
So far I'll stay around here, there is lots of information and I don't have to speak. :)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: London, UK
Posts: 29
need to write about the crying. Oh my god, the crying! Hard and long and painful and out of the blue and pittyful what with all those people looking at me thinking god knows what... I still do it sometimes but not nearly as often and I never have people watching anymore!
Music was one trigger. Of course, because of my drinking and my early social start (12-ish) I was/am slightly emontionally retarted, which means that I behave like a 16 year old when it comes to relationships. I'm paying the price at all times. So, love songs, oh my god, how they broke my heart! I strongly believed in love and beauty and romance and all that. I don't anymore. Not really. Although sometimes I still find myself toying with the idea of being inlove at some point in my life. And I mean FOR REAL not a drunk oh my god I love him kinda thing. I mean the lot, butterflies, breakfast, holidays, plans, responsabilities, tears - you know what I mean!
Music was one trigger. Of course, because of my drinking and my early social start (12-ish) I was/am slightly emontionally retarted, which means that I behave like a 16 year old when it comes to relationships. I'm paying the price at all times. So, love songs, oh my god, how they broke my heart! I strongly believed in love and beauty and romance and all that. I don't anymore. Not really. Although sometimes I still find myself toying with the idea of being inlove at some point in my life. And I mean FOR REAL not a drunk oh my god I love him kinda thing. I mean the lot, butterflies, breakfast, holidays, plans, responsabilities, tears - you know what I mean!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: London, UK
Posts: 29
Everytime I went to the shop to specifically buy alcohol - I never once thought of me having a problem. It was always four cans tops. Or a bottle of wine. Or very seldom a bottle of whisky. I was adamant that I have the right to treat myself with a drink and there's nothing wrong there. Or, hey, I didn't even think of anything.
My biggest problem was when I went out. I was ALWAYS the first one out and the last one standing [never really standing!:)], the last one to want to head home. I couldn't stop. I remember, actually remember is not a good word - I've been told that one night I was resting my head on the bar, or so it looked, and was vomiting in MY BOOTS! Had lovely cowboy boots on :) I wished with all my heart that the earth would open and swallow me up! My mate - the one that told me - was laughing her head off. I thought I was going to die. And, nope, I didn't die, nor did I stop there. A week later I was in a different pub with different people, doing exactly the same thing. I was quite smart, me. I use to alternate mates so that we didn't go out in the same company every week so if I happen to get completely wasted and make a fool ouf of myself, then they won't necesarily know about it. It was THAT elaborate. Just so I can drimk until I bloody fall over. Which I did.
Sometimes I used to take pride in the amount of drinks.. Especially with younger friends, especially girls. I don't like myself too much because of that!
What was it with the just another one? How did it work? How could I possibly not see what it was doing to me? How come nobody told me? All my cvasi-sober mates..? Surely they knew I've got it all wrong with this alcohol business? Nobody cared. They laughed their heads off and minded their business. Sad. I hate them all now. Just for that. Because I am positive that not a single friend of mine ever said to me slow down! Never. Fair enough, I didn't either. But, look, it's only me writing here, not them. So they probably didn't reach that point when surely you've had more than enough to drink. Or it was me way too drunk to see/care/say anything. How sad!
I'm starting afresh. I'll make new friends. I'll choose better.
Another thing.. Everytime I thought I'm inlove with someone I probably wasn't. So eveything I have felt along the way was... fake? Because everything that was important, all the important events in my life, came in glasses and bottles! Not once I have celebrated love or success or pain or whatever other than drinking until closing time!
So that's good then. From now it will all be real. REAL. And clear. Yes, I like that.
My biggest problem was when I went out. I was ALWAYS the first one out and the last one standing [never really standing!:)], the last one to want to head home. I couldn't stop. I remember, actually remember is not a good word - I've been told that one night I was resting my head on the bar, or so it looked, and was vomiting in MY BOOTS! Had lovely cowboy boots on :) I wished with all my heart that the earth would open and swallow me up! My mate - the one that told me - was laughing her head off. I thought I was going to die. And, nope, I didn't die, nor did I stop there. A week later I was in a different pub with different people, doing exactly the same thing. I was quite smart, me. I use to alternate mates so that we didn't go out in the same company every week so if I happen to get completely wasted and make a fool ouf of myself, then they won't necesarily know about it. It was THAT elaborate. Just so I can drimk until I bloody fall over. Which I did.
Sometimes I used to take pride in the amount of drinks.. Especially with younger friends, especially girls. I don't like myself too much because of that!
What was it with the just another one? How did it work? How could I possibly not see what it was doing to me? How come nobody told me? All my cvasi-sober mates..? Surely they knew I've got it all wrong with this alcohol business? Nobody cared. They laughed their heads off and minded their business. Sad. I hate them all now. Just for that. Because I am positive that not a single friend of mine ever said to me slow down! Never. Fair enough, I didn't either. But, look, it's only me writing here, not them. So they probably didn't reach that point when surely you've had more than enough to drink. Or it was me way too drunk to see/care/say anything. How sad!
I'm starting afresh. I'll make new friends. I'll choose better.
Another thing.. Everytime I thought I'm inlove with someone I probably wasn't. So eveything I have felt along the way was... fake? Because everything that was important, all the important events in my life, came in glasses and bottles! Not once I have celebrated love or success or pain or whatever other than drinking until closing time!
So that's good then. From now it will all be real. REAL. And clear. Yes, I like that.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: London, UK
Posts: 29
had two glasses of wine.
it's been a very long and hard day (proper Monday) and I didn't even think about NOT having a drink. I had a glass, drank it, washed it, then had another one.
I don't feel bad about it, not yet anyway so I'll just let it pass, without beating myself up too much.
But it's just sooooo me. I can never make a decision and bloody stick to it!
it's been a very long and hard day (proper Monday) and I didn't even think about NOT having a drink. I had a glass, drank it, washed it, then had another one.
I don't feel bad about it, not yet anyway so I'll just let it pass, without beating myself up too much.
But it's just sooooo me. I can never make a decision and bloody stick to it!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: North FLA
Posts: 115
Karioka:
I've been in your position countless times. Most of us have. I've decided this time to accept the fact that I am powerless to make wise decisions where alcohol is concerned. The only decision I can make is to consume way too much and hurt those around me. For me it's not possible to have just a few or keep it under control.
I really hope that you are able to find peace and be strong. I'm still a rookie at sobriety and have considered DM'ing one of the more accomplished members here for support. Most have offered. There's no reason to think you're in this alone.
Good luck.
I've been in your position countless times. Most of us have. I've decided this time to accept the fact that I am powerless to make wise decisions where alcohol is concerned. The only decision I can make is to consume way too much and hurt those around me. For me it's not possible to have just a few or keep it under control.
I really hope that you are able to find peace and be strong. I'm still a rookie at sobriety and have considered DM'ing one of the more accomplished members here for support. Most have offered. There's no reason to think you're in this alone.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,146
'From now it will all be real. REAL. And clear.'
'I made a(nother) promise to myself to keep an open mind, stop being silly and go and see those people when I can't do it anymore.'
Washing the glass between drinks means it was supposed to be one but turned out to be two, and the eve is still yet young.
Stay safe.
'I made a(nother) promise to myself to keep an open mind, stop being silly and go and see those people when I can't do it anymore.'
Washing the glass between drinks means it was supposed to be one but turned out to be two, and the eve is still yet young.
Stay safe.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Oslo, Norway
Posts: 147
Karioka, have spent sometime reading your thread, it took a while (you really have a lot to get off your chest!), all I want to say to you is that you must keep going with these posts AND the non-drinking. You sound complicated and fascinating at the same time and I look fwd to your next update, ok, so you don't drink and you don't smoke, you don't ever need to worry about being boring!
I gave up also on New Years Eve, and I didn't tell myself that was it, finished, just think the hangover was so epic one day turned into two, and after that I thought maybe 3 was worth a try, then on discovering this place and the support I received convinced me to continue, it's now day 23!
Congrats on doing so well, keep posting and say hello to London from me!
I gave up also on New Years Eve, and I didn't tell myself that was it, finished, just think the hangover was so epic one day turned into two, and after that I thought maybe 3 was worth a try, then on discovering this place and the support I received convinced me to continue, it's now day 23!
Congrats on doing so well, keep posting and say hello to London from me!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 59
Originally Posted by Karioka 
Surely they knew I've got it all wrong with this alcohol business? Nobody cared. They laughed their heads off and minded their business. Sad. I hate them all now. Just for that. Because I am positive that not a single friend of mine ever said to me slow down! Never. Fair enough, I didn't either.
Your post made me think a lot about that, and I'm seeing it in a new perspective now. My old friends were more like drinking buddies, even though half of them didn't have anything close to an alcohol problem. I was always the one to get ******** drunk and make a fool of myself and they'd just laugh and joke about it. I was usually the entertainment for the evening. But I would ask myself, one thing.. I know it was obvious I had a big problem, so why did they never say one thing about it?
I've actually seen the answer to that question 2-3 dozen times on these message boards without even realizing it.. and it's usually in the form of "I'm not NEARLY as bad as THAT guy." My old drinking buddies were perfectly content seeing me destroy my health, finances, and relationships out of sheer comfort in knowing that they were better off than me. Had I quit at the time, all of a sudden THEY may have been the one with the problem. It's a strange way to look at it, but it's entirely possible.
I think I've stopped hating them now because I too have caught myself finding solace in others' problems. I think its part of human nature to feel better about one's own life when comparing to someone else's misfortune. They aren't really so different than me. They weren't true friends, but they weren't so different. That's just my two cents on that particular snippet of your recent post.
polyaddicted cocanut
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Dixie
Posts: 781
Hey, I am known to get on this site and ramble (sometimes thousands of words!) and as far as I am concerned that is one of the points of this forum. You made perfect sense with your English and I can relate. I don't have any friends. At all. I had "friends" when I was using but being the shy type I used drugs to loosen up and make "friends". When I got sober, well, I lost the majority, if not all of those friends. And my only good friends are the ones who I have known since birth (almost) and I don't spend much time with them because they are actively addicted. I still lack the skills to have a friend or a girlfriend or anything. It sucks but yeah... just be thankful you are on the right path now. Some never make it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: London, UK
Posts: 29
I was very close to befriend someone here but I answered no to the question "are you sure you want to be ....'s friend" or something like that. I said no because no, I'm not sure. I'm not sure I can be anyone's friend at the moment. Although I would love to have/ know someone that's happy go lucky and doesn't make a big deal out of my no drinking thing and also doesn't tempt me by saying surely one won't hurt.
I have some old friends. Well, they're more Facebook friends now than real friends as I don't get to interact with them other than liking their lovely wedding pics. I was thinking, have I got ANYTHING AT ALL in common with these people? If I don't drink and if I'm not a laugh anymore - is there anything that would keep conversation flowing? And if there would be, would I be interested in those people? At all? I'm trying to think... Nope. I don't think I would like them. OK maybe like them is not the way to put it... I wouldn't waste my time on them. How sad is that considering I have wasted 20 years with them. That's twenty years. It's a life time. My lovely impressionable amazing years. Arrrgh!
But. No more looking back. I need to sort myself out. I keep thinking what if it's not the (lack of) alcohol that screws with my head, what if I'm damaged? I would hate that! I want the alcohol to be responsible for my f.ck up and I wanna quit drinking it and be happy!
:( I do know that I AM responsible and I won't be happy until I decide to be happy.
Friends. In the sun light as I walk my dog I think, na, I don't need anybody, and I do believe I don't need anybody. But then, damn it, I do need someone to tell me that it WILL be OK. Eventually, whenever, I don't even care when.. I need to be happy for a bit so I won't lose my mind.
I know I need to stop asking for things and starting giving. That's suppose to make me happy, right? Yeah. I'm being unreasonable. Selfish. Yeah. I'll be fine. Everything works in my life at the mo, except for the bloody solitude, so that's got happy written all over, right? I could be well worse off. I could be drinking!!!
Thanks for support guys, I'm this close to declare eternal love to you! :) xxx
Reading my post on preview - what a drama queen I am! What I really wanted to say is that I feel alone. That's it.
I have some old friends. Well, they're more Facebook friends now than real friends as I don't get to interact with them other than liking their lovely wedding pics. I was thinking, have I got ANYTHING AT ALL in common with these people? If I don't drink and if I'm not a laugh anymore - is there anything that would keep conversation flowing? And if there would be, would I be interested in those people? At all? I'm trying to think... Nope. I don't think I would like them. OK maybe like them is not the way to put it... I wouldn't waste my time on them. How sad is that considering I have wasted 20 years with them. That's twenty years. It's a life time. My lovely impressionable amazing years. Arrrgh!
But. No more looking back. I need to sort myself out. I keep thinking what if it's not the (lack of) alcohol that screws with my head, what if I'm damaged? I would hate that! I want the alcohol to be responsible for my f.ck up and I wanna quit drinking it and be happy!
:( I do know that I AM responsible and I won't be happy until I decide to be happy.
Friends. In the sun light as I walk my dog I think, na, I don't need anybody, and I do believe I don't need anybody. But then, damn it, I do need someone to tell me that it WILL be OK. Eventually, whenever, I don't even care when.. I need to be happy for a bit so I won't lose my mind.
I know I need to stop asking for things and starting giving. That's suppose to make me happy, right? Yeah. I'm being unreasonable. Selfish. Yeah. I'll be fine. Everything works in my life at the mo, except for the bloody solitude, so that's got happy written all over, right? I could be well worse off. I could be drinking!!!
Thanks for support guys, I'm this close to declare eternal love to you! :) xxx
Reading my post on preview - what a drama queen I am! What I really wanted to say is that I feel alone. That's it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 64
Hi Karioka,
I just read your entire thread and thoroughly enjoyed it. It reads much like a novel, only it's non-fiction. I, too, feel lonely at times. I've had some difficult chapters in my life these past four years, so, here I am trying to rebuild myself.
I have a strong feeling that 2012 is going to be a great year.
Keep writing, love it.
I just read your entire thread and thoroughly enjoyed it. It reads much like a novel, only it's non-fiction. I, too, feel lonely at times. I've had some difficult chapters in my life these past four years, so, here I am trying to rebuild myself.
I have a strong feeling that 2012 is going to be a great year.
Keep writing, love it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: London, UK
Posts: 29
before I made the decision to stop drinking, before I've realized how it affected my life, I was never able to sleep in silence. I always had to live the telly on so I won't have to listen to my thoughts. Few weeks in my sobriety and I kinda welcome my thoughts now, especially my memories. Well, as many as I can gather... I am forcing myself to remember and I feel SAFE when I realize that those things, the things I've done, they won't repeat themselves. So yeah I'll have a life, I think...
hm. I was gonna choose and write about one particular night... But I can't really; all the same, all started and finished in pretty much the same way.
My drinking was about being important to someone. Attention seeker. I know that now. Parents, eh? Can I please just go on and blame them for my failure? Faulty parents and alcohol, and to promise that when I'll h... Ah, no, I'll never have children.
One month in (minus two glasses of wine ) I've discovered that I'm not that anxious anymore. I'm quite content with that, as it used to make my stomach go all funny and it sort of hurt physically as well... Also, in the last week, had only ONE anger episode. Difference was that instead of carrying on being angry as used to, I actually looked at the reasons that made me angry in the first place. I feel that's HUGE achievement. But then again, it is in my nature to analize everything. So my personality should take credit for that. A bit. :)
hm. I was gonna choose and write about one particular night... But I can't really; all the same, all started and finished in pretty much the same way.
My drinking was about being important to someone. Attention seeker. I know that now. Parents, eh? Can I please just go on and blame them for my failure? Faulty parents and alcohol, and to promise that when I'll h... Ah, no, I'll never have children.
One month in (minus two glasses of wine ) I've discovered that I'm not that anxious anymore. I'm quite content with that, as it used to make my stomach go all funny and it sort of hurt physically as well... Also, in the last week, had only ONE anger episode. Difference was that instead of carrying on being angry as used to, I actually looked at the reasons that made me angry in the first place. I feel that's HUGE achievement. But then again, it is in my nature to analize everything. So my personality should take credit for that. A bit. :)
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