About telling others that you're in AA (or other fellowship)
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 95
About telling others that you're in AA (or other fellowship)
How do you feel about it?
Did you tell your family, parents, spouse, kids, friends, coworkers? If you did, when you did?
In the last 2 months I've been to a few AA meetings. I never tell anyone, no-one knows that I'm going. I believe that telling others that I'm going would be detrimental to my recovery.
My mother asks where I'm going, I always lie, say that I'll do something with a friend or buy something or whatever. Sometimes I feel a little guilty about this lying.
What's your experience?
Did you tell your family, parents, spouse, kids, friends, coworkers? If you did, when you did?
In the last 2 months I've been to a few AA meetings. I never tell anyone, no-one knows that I'm going. I believe that telling others that I'm going would be detrimental to my recovery.
My mother asks where I'm going, I always lie, say that I'll do something with a friend or buy something or whatever. Sometimes I feel a little guilty about this lying.
What's your experience?
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 189
It's really up to you to decide whether they know or not. It's not a bad thing if you don't say anything. But maybe in the future once you've settled in a group and feel ready, letting your family members know will help. You'll get family support especially if they know you've had a drinking issue for years. But how do I feel letting people know I go? I'm fine with it. My co workers know only because they have known me for 8 years and when you do an amazing job and work your butt off every day for 8 years then start not showing for work or calling in sick too much word goes around from the manager pretty fast that I started drinking when I was suppose to be at work. They know I go to AA and they don't judge me for it. Heck, there's even one person who struggled with alcohol and has been sober for 7 years. I didn't ask if he goes to AA because it's not my business. But when he heard my troubles he gave me advice and said he knows how it feels when alcohol starts taking you over over time.
My family were the ones who had me go to AA. I didn't want to but had to because of house rules. out of the 3 years i've gone I've only managed to stay sober at a few months a time. Never once have I stayed sober since I joined. But when I realized I had to do this for myself things got better. When I finally surrendered to my alcoholism and joined my higher power things have been going amazing.
The only person I haven't told yet and I'm waiting still until I see where things go is this girl I'm dating right now. She sees me for who I am when I'm not drinking and I've told her I'm not in drinking and she was fine with that. she doesn't really drink either but I think she can safely have 1 drink and not think of another like me. But we'll see where that goes. I was worried at first but as I started getting to know her better I can see shes very kind hearted and I believe she won't judge me, especially when she doesn't see me drink at all. But thats another story. In other words, I don't mind co workers knowing, they ask how I'm doing and give support and are happy that I am 5 months sober now. It feels great to know that I can have fun without drinking and realizing that I can do this once again... staying sober. One Day AT A Time is what I live by now. I use to glorify myself in thinking I'll be sober for the rest of my life for now on! But when I realized when I couldn't live that way or think that way it wasn't really working out. One day at a time is alot better now. I don't need to drink for today only
My family were the ones who had me go to AA. I didn't want to but had to because of house rules. out of the 3 years i've gone I've only managed to stay sober at a few months a time. Never once have I stayed sober since I joined. But when I realized I had to do this for myself things got better. When I finally surrendered to my alcoholism and joined my higher power things have been going amazing.
The only person I haven't told yet and I'm waiting still until I see where things go is this girl I'm dating right now. She sees me for who I am when I'm not drinking and I've told her I'm not in drinking and she was fine with that. she doesn't really drink either but I think she can safely have 1 drink and not think of another like me. But we'll see where that goes. I was worried at first but as I started getting to know her better I can see shes very kind hearted and I believe she won't judge me, especially when she doesn't see me drink at all. But thats another story. In other words, I don't mind co workers knowing, they ask how I'm doing and give support and are happy that I am 5 months sober now. It feels great to know that I can have fun without drinking and realizing that I can do this once again... staying sober. One Day AT A Time is what I live by now. I use to glorify myself in thinking I'll be sober for the rest of my life for now on! But when I realized when I couldn't live that way or think that way it wasn't really working out. One day at a time is alot better now. I don't need to drink for today only
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 120
Originally Posted by AndreTT 
How do you feel about it?
Did you tell your family, parents, spouse, kids, friends, coworkers? If you did, when you did?
In the last 2 months I've been to a few AA meetings. I never tell anyone, no-one knows that I'm going. I believe that telling others that I'm going would be detrimental to my recovery.
My mother asks where I'm going, I always lie, say that I'll do something with a friend or buy something or whatever. Sometimes I feel a little guilty about this lying.
What's your experience?
Did you tell your family, parents, spouse, kids, friends, coworkers? If you did, when you did?
In the last 2 months I've been to a few AA meetings. I never tell anyone, no-one knows that I'm going. I believe that telling others that I'm going would be detrimental to my recovery.
My mother asks where I'm going, I always lie, say that I'll do something with a friend or buy something or whatever. Sometimes I feel a little guilty about this lying.
What's your experience?
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
Originally Posted by bluoval
...I found creative ways to truthfully answer them (without disclosing all my personal details).
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 47
I've seen this debated recently in my favorite meeting.
First of all- you mentioned that you're lying about where you're going when you go to meetings. I know that for me, and from what my sponsor tells me, I'm supposed to be pursuing a life of rigorous honesty.
Primarily, I think your anonymity is your business-- I've told my parents and a few close friends. I don't volunteer that I'm an AA member- only that I've decided to quit drinking as of 5 months ago. I FULLY appreciate the aspect of anonymity being important to the program-- if I advertise the fact that I attend AA meetings and am working the program and then go out and drink, it will reflect poorly upon -and do a great disservice to- the program itself and everyone in it who is earnestly doing the deal.
I'm in my office right now. If someone walks in the door, I'll be minimizing this screen before it's in eyeshot. That said, I know our awesome and brilliant IT guys can likely see what websites are being visited, and I don't care.
Long story short: It's private, and it's a secret...but not a very closely guarded one. If someone scratches much of the surface away they're going to find out that I'm in recovery. And I'm fine with that.
That's my two cents.
Dave
First of all- you mentioned that you're lying about where you're going when you go to meetings. I know that for me, and from what my sponsor tells me, I'm supposed to be pursuing a life of rigorous honesty.
Primarily, I think your anonymity is your business-- I've told my parents and a few close friends. I don't volunteer that I'm an AA member- only that I've decided to quit drinking as of 5 months ago. I FULLY appreciate the aspect of anonymity being important to the program-- if I advertise the fact that I attend AA meetings and am working the program and then go out and drink, it will reflect poorly upon -and do a great disservice to- the program itself and everyone in it who is earnestly doing the deal.
I'm in my office right now. If someone walks in the door, I'll be minimizing this screen before it's in eyeshot. That said, I know our awesome and brilliant IT guys can likely see what websites are being visited, and I don't care.
Long story short: It's private, and it's a secret...but not a very closely guarded one. If someone scratches much of the surface away they're going to find out that I'm in recovery. And I'm fine with that.
That's my two cents.
Dave
dopeless hope fiend
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Here. Now.
Posts: 1,021
i told my family and friends at the very beginning that i was going to be a part of a 12-step program and they were all like "Thank God!". these people needed to know, because they care about my well being and had suffered with me during the consequences of my addiction. i also needed them to understand that by joining a 12-step fellowship i was taking the first step. admitting that i am an addict and that means i cannot drink or use drugs. putting all of this right out front helped me greatly because the manipulation to be enabled by these people was OVER.
Otherwise i keep it to myself unless a situation arises where my breaking my anonymity could possibly help someone who is suffering from addiction.
Otherwise i keep it to myself unless a situation arises where my breaking my anonymity could possibly help someone who is suffering from addiction.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
I've only told my sister (aka my BFF) and my boyfriend (honestly, I'm not sure if I would have told him if I had a choice... but he obviously wonders where I go when I'm at meetings etc... he has a very negative view of AA and it was rather hard for me to tell him I was going, but he tries to his best to be supportive).
I don't plan to tell anyone else unless something changes... right now I feel like only those very close to me can know. I feel vulnerable for a bunch of different reasons... I have had close friends tell me I'm NOT an alcoholic, I hear ridicule about AA everywhere, I am afraid people will judge me. To be honest sometimes I wonder if a part of me wants to make sure I have an "out," so that not everyone has to know I have this problem and if I want to go back to drinking, it won't be so hard. In general I don't think about going back out to drink again... in fact, I think it would be horrible... but nor does the prospect of telling everyone "I'm in AA" sound great either. I don't want to feel "branded" as an alcoholic or even a recovering alcoholic. I really do think my identity is more than that. Sometimes it seems that we get so wrapped up in this, that it's all we are, and I don't think that's true.
I also wonder if it could harm my business reputation, although honestly I think it might help it/other people, so, who knows. I am pretty new to things and am going to just see how I feel later, but for now, it feels right that not many people know. In fact, not many people even know I stopped drinking or the "why" of it.
I told my family when I was on Christmas vacation that I stopped because of my sleep disorder/anxiety. I told my good friend who used to be my party buddy that I stopped because it was making me depressed... she understood and said she is doing the same thing, except drinking a bit occasionally and smoking weed to self-medicate her anxiety. When I first went to AA, before I decided to get serious about getting sober, I mentioned to my ex-fiance that I wasn't drinking anymore, and he asked if I'd been to AA (his parents are long-term members/recovering alcoholics) and I said yes and he asked me if I thought he had a drinking problem too, ha ha. I guess if I feel like someone can understand, or perhaps relate or need it to, I get closer to telling them the whole truth, but otherwise I stay mum.
My boyfriend told his best friend I'm in AA and I was rather bothered by that because I felt it was private and that only I should decide who, if anyone, I tell. He did it because his friend's girlfriend (now ex) was going to AA (but now she stopped and is on weekly blackout binges, apparently). I understand why he told him but I felt annoyed to be compared to this other girl... I am my own person with my own issues and to be honest my boyfriend was talking about it in a way that bugged me, like "[Friend's girlfriend] stopped going to AA and doesn't need it any more, because she was just dealing with the death of her high school friend and now she is normal, and now she and [friend] are going to be okay and she won't go out drinking and ignore him" (uh huh... this preceded the drinking incidents and her breaking up with him b/c she was too busying partying), and "Isn't it ironic that [friend] wants his girlfriend to stay in AA and go to meetings, and I want you to come have a drink with me?" Yeah, real ironic. (Rolling eyes).
Anyway, I don't know, I have mixed feelings on this whole topic because I am trying to live an authentic and honest life so I don't like not telling people I'm an alcoholic/in AA... I even tell my good friend that I'm at writing group when I'm in AA sometimes (but she's the one who's convinced I'm not an alcoholic and won't let it go with me, often offering me a taste of her drink, or telling me I just need to "control" my drinking to have one or two at a time... with her I've just decided that there's no way she can understand what I'm going through because I'm me and she's her and she refuses to see that I'm not her, so, I need to do what it takes to stay sober, including not telling her where I'm going since she'll just give me a hard time about it and make things more difficulty). But although I'd like to be honest, I feel like people have such outspoken and vitriolic opinions about alcoholism and AA, which I am not ready to deal with right now. I feel vulnerable in my sobriety and need to insulate myself in order to protect it, if that makes sense.
I guess this topic brought out a bunch of rants in me, and a bunch of mixed/conflicted feelings that I have.
I don't plan to tell anyone else unless something changes... right now I feel like only those very close to me can know. I feel vulnerable for a bunch of different reasons... I have had close friends tell me I'm NOT an alcoholic, I hear ridicule about AA everywhere, I am afraid people will judge me. To be honest sometimes I wonder if a part of me wants to make sure I have an "out," so that not everyone has to know I have this problem and if I want to go back to drinking, it won't be so hard. In general I don't think about going back out to drink again... in fact, I think it would be horrible... but nor does the prospect of telling everyone "I'm in AA" sound great either. I don't want to feel "branded" as an alcoholic or even a recovering alcoholic. I really do think my identity is more than that. Sometimes it seems that we get so wrapped up in this, that it's all we are, and I don't think that's true.
I also wonder if it could harm my business reputation, although honestly I think it might help it/other people, so, who knows. I am pretty new to things and am going to just see how I feel later, but for now, it feels right that not many people know. In fact, not many people even know I stopped drinking or the "why" of it.
I told my family when I was on Christmas vacation that I stopped because of my sleep disorder/anxiety. I told my good friend who used to be my party buddy that I stopped because it was making me depressed... she understood and said she is doing the same thing, except drinking a bit occasionally and smoking weed to self-medicate her anxiety. When I first went to AA, before I decided to get serious about getting sober, I mentioned to my ex-fiance that I wasn't drinking anymore, and he asked if I'd been to AA (his parents are long-term members/recovering alcoholics) and I said yes and he asked me if I thought he had a drinking problem too, ha ha. I guess if I feel like someone can understand, or perhaps relate or need it to, I get closer to telling them the whole truth, but otherwise I stay mum.
My boyfriend told his best friend I'm in AA and I was rather bothered by that because I felt it was private and that only I should decide who, if anyone, I tell. He did it because his friend's girlfriend (now ex) was going to AA (but now she stopped and is on weekly blackout binges, apparently). I understand why he told him but I felt annoyed to be compared to this other girl... I am my own person with my own issues and to be honest my boyfriend was talking about it in a way that bugged me, like "[Friend's girlfriend] stopped going to AA and doesn't need it any more, because she was just dealing with the death of her high school friend and now she is normal, and now she and [friend] are going to be okay and she won't go out drinking and ignore him" (uh huh... this preceded the drinking incidents and her breaking up with him b/c she was too busying partying), and "Isn't it ironic that [friend] wants his girlfriend to stay in AA and go to meetings, and I want you to come have a drink with me?" Yeah, real ironic. (Rolling eyes).
Anyway, I don't know, I have mixed feelings on this whole topic because I am trying to live an authentic and honest life so I don't like not telling people I'm an alcoholic/in AA... I even tell my good friend that I'm at writing group when I'm in AA sometimes (but she's the one who's convinced I'm not an alcoholic and won't let it go with me, often offering me a taste of her drink, or telling me I just need to "control" my drinking to have one or two at a time... with her I've just decided that there's no way she can understand what I'm going through because I'm me and she's her and she refuses to see that I'm not her, so, I need to do what it takes to stay sober, including not telling her where I'm going since she'll just give me a hard time about it and make things more difficulty). But although I'd like to be honest, I feel like people have such outspoken and vitriolic opinions about alcoholism and AA, which I am not ready to deal with right now. I feel vulnerable in my sobriety and need to insulate myself in order to protect it, if that makes sense.
I guess this topic brought out a bunch of rants in me, and a bunch of mixed/conflicted feelings that I have.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
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Originally Posted by augustwest
i told my family and friends at the very beginning that i was going to be a part of a 12-step program and they were all like "Thank God!". these people needed to know, because they care about my well being and had suffered with me during the consequences of my addiction. i also needed them to understand that by joining a 12-step fellowship i was taking the first step. admitting that i am an addict and that means i cannot drink or use drugs. putting all of this right out front helped me greatly because the manipulation to be enabled by these people was OVER.
Otherwise i keep it to myself unless a situation arises where my breaking my anonymity could possibly help someone who is suffering from addiction.
Otherwise i keep it to myself unless a situation arises where my breaking my anonymity could possibly help someone who is suffering from addiction.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
I don't tell anyone in my life because it's a far too personal thing for me. I don't go to meetings, but I do work on my recovery in my own way and that's what works for me. Honestly, I think there is a lot of negativity attached to the word 'alcoholic'. And, after all, I am SO much more than that.
*Grateful*
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 2,619
Great topic, I honestly think I told waaaaay too many people in the beginning over 20 yrs ago. 10 yrs ago I relocated and I chose to not tell people. I mean my husband of course knows, but even my church peeps don't know. Noone ever has drinking parties that I attend so that is never an issue either.
I think the fewer people the better. I am also in another program Overeaters anonymous and I do not eat sugar or flour. When anyone asks why I am eating rice cakes over bread I just tell them I am allergic to wheat...(I really am 2/4, so while not severely, I am to a point) then they go on to the next topic.
I don't think people really care as much as we think they do.
I think it would be a little hard to have my mom ask me where I was going all the time though... hope something there changes.
Lily
I think the fewer people the better. I am also in another program Overeaters anonymous and I do not eat sugar or flour. When anyone asks why I am eating rice cakes over bread I just tell them I am allergic to wheat...(I really am 2/4, so while not severely, I am to a point) then they go on to the next topic.
I don't think people really care as much as we think they do.
I think it would be a little hard to have my mom ask me where I was going all the time though... hope something there changes.
Lily
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,146
I tell others when there's a reason to do so, and that comes up rarely.
If I was hiding it from people who reasonably should be told in order to keep a door open for myself to drink again, that would be an entirely different matter.
What I found out before getting sober in AA is that once that horse is out of the barn, then it becomes really hard later on to get a drink from some people.
If I was hiding it from people who reasonably should be told in order to keep a door open for myself to drink again, that would be an entirely different matter.
What I found out before getting sober in AA is that once that horse is out of the barn, then it becomes really hard later on to get a drink from some people.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by Anna
I don't tell anyone in my life because it's a far too personal thing for me. I don't go to meetings, but I do work on my recovery in my own way and that's what works for me. Honestly, I think there is a lot of negativity attached to the word 'alcohol'. And, after all, I am SO much more than that.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: North America
Posts: 1,628
I think most everybody already knows I've got an issue. I decided when push came to shove to declair my intention to change this habit. My life is too important for me to be ashamed of this; I instead want to show strengh and charicter in facing it honestly and openly, dealing with reality, and overcoming it.
The details about how I do this, I intend to keep to these pages. This site has already been of help to me.
Most folks aren't interested in me me me and my "treatments." They are, however, probably placing bets on me winning or losing this fight. I intend to win, to look them in the eye and set a good example about how to deal with a very human problem. I intend to prove all betting against me wrong, and to show all betting in my favor that they had faith in a good man.
The details about how I do this, I intend to keep to these pages. This site has already been of help to me.
Most folks aren't interested in me me me and my "treatments." They are, however, probably placing bets on me winning or losing this fight. I intend to win, to look them in the eye and set a good example about how to deal with a very human problem. I intend to prove all betting against me wrong, and to show all betting in my favor that they had faith in a good man.
dopeless hope fiend
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Here. Now.
Posts: 1,021
People in general don't really care about the minutiae of our lives, but theres a 99% chance that almost everyone we know is aware that we have a problem.
My identity is bigger than this disease but it's also a part of who i am, and it defines certain aspects of my self. By volunteering my 12-step participation to those who are closest to me i shut the door on the delusion that i could continue 'getting away with' all the crap i was doing to myself.
My identity is bigger than this disease but it's also a part of who i am, and it defines certain aspects of my self. By volunteering my 12-step participation to those who are closest to me i shut the door on the delusion that i could continue 'getting away with' all the crap i was doing to myself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 84
I have zero shame about going to AA. I'm proud of it. All my family and good friends know. But I don't go around blabbing to everyone that will listen or put it on Facebook or anything because I think that it would make some people uncomfortable. However, if somone is having a hard time with drugs or alcohol or has a family member that is, I might offer a little advice or share my experience.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
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Originally Posted by Sapling
There really wasn't much of a way for me to hide it Anna....Everybody that knew me...Knew me drunk....And knew I couldn't stop on my own...As I started getting a little sober time...It's still pretty new...7 months...The secret was kind of out of the bag.
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