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Old 01-19-2012, 05:31 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Angry

I Just Rememberd Why I Used To Not Be Sober


The initial good feelings I had about myself for quitting are fading and being replaced with old self hate. I drink and smoke because I want to kill myself but I'm too much of a coward to ever really do so. I don't even have the urge to drink or smoke, I just want to fill the void and take out my anger on myself. A decent looking funny 22 year old who's never had an actual girlfriend. With a manipulative family and no real friends. With no real direction in life. I've done everything I can - old bad habits gone, weight gone, misanthropic ways abandoned. And I'm still the same miserable piece of crap I always was.
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Old 01-19-2012, 05:34 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Dazed

The fact that you are here indicates you want to be saved and this is the right place to be because everyone here wants you to be saved too because YOU ARE WORTH IT ... you need to learn to love yourself again without alcohol and free from addicition .. the fact you have come this far I truely believe you can do it .. good luck I will keep you in my thoughts xxx
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Old 01-19-2012, 05:41 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Thank you isabella. The problem is atleast I had an outlet when I had my bad habits to fall back on. Now I'm just sitting here faced with how much I hate myself and nothing to do, it's like I'm in a straightjacket.
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Old 01-19-2012, 05:43 AM   #4 (permalink)
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change takes time my friend give it a little time it will get better we can see your worth so will you
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Old 01-19-2012, 05:46 AM   #5 (permalink)
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You still have an outlet Dazed - but it's a positive one...working on yourself and your recovery

Believe me I felt about myself the same way you seem to...I felt worthless and useless and I despised myself...noone hated me as much as I did.

But what I didn't realise was the extent to which alcohol was contributing to that - even for weeks after I quit.

Stick with it - maybe your perceptions will change a little.

Apart form that, you have the chance now - in recovery - to look at those things you don't like about yourself...and fix them.

You have the chance to not just fill that void but *heal* it.

I hope you'll take that chance
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Old 01-19-2012, 05:48 AM   #6 (permalink)
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there are tons of ups and downs going sober. sorry to hear you dont have he family or friend support. seeing a therapsit as well as a pcsychaitrist for a depression evaluation and possible medications couldnt hurt. JMO

keep up the great job
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Old 01-19-2012, 05:58 AM   #7 (permalink)
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good resource for your suicidal thoughts

USA NATIONAL Suicide & Crisis Hotlines - When You Feel You Can't Go On... Call a Suicide Hotline. / SuicideHotlines.com - Direction for immediate crisis intervention for the gravely suicidal & treatment for major clinical suicidal depression.
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Old 01-19-2012, 06:14 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I do try to distract myself with education and have tried and failed with therapy and medicine several times, it did not do it for me. I actually got a lot out by thinking out this thread, reading the responses and using the chat room. I've exhausted myself enough where I think I can sleep tonight off. The thought of suicide came and went, thankfully it left a lot quicker than it used to. If there are anymore responses I will check them out when I wake up. Thank you all for taking the time to respond, Im humbled and grateful.
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Old 01-19-2012, 06:24 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I am looking forward to being able to sleep this off also I always thought quitting smoking, 2 packs a day for 18 years was hard, but dang,,,this is more intense! Need to run and try to work..on the clock now. hoping for a quick day with no W/D symptoms..

sweet dreams dazedand
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Old 01-19-2012, 06:25 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DazedAnd View Post
The initial good feelings I had about myself for quitting are fading and being replaced with old self hate. I drink and smoke because I want to kill myself but I'm too much of a coward to ever really do so. I don't even have the urge to drink or smoke, I just want to fill the void and take out my anger on myself. A decent looking funny 22 year old who's never had an actual girlfriend. With a manipulative family and no real friends. With no real direction in life. I've done everything I can - old bad habits gone, weight gone, misanthropic ways abandoned. And I'm still the same miserable piece of crap I always was.
i doubt that you are a piece of crap. sobriety is difficult at best.. Especially for the very YOUNG people! if you continue to stay sober through this period of time. One day at a time.. i PROMISE you will be AMAZED in a another year or so and be glad you did!
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Old 01-19-2012, 06:29 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I'm glad to see that you're doing a bit better than you were when you started this thread. I really feel your pain, Dazed. I felt the same way at your age. Both parents were alcoholics, my dad was verbally abusive and nothing I did ever pleased him, I had no direction and no sense of what I wanted to do with my life ... oh yes, I can relate. Looking back (I'm 49 now), I can't ever imagine that I ever felt that way but I was young and had no one to guide me down this path of life. So, like you, I numbed the pain away. It wasn't a solution but it did make me feel better ... for awhile. Until it wore off, that is. Then I was right back where I was before I had that first drink, sometimes even feeling worse because I was disgusted with myself for drinking. Vicious circle.

I agree with the other advice, take this time to discover yourself and to discover what your passions are. There must be things that bring you enjoyment, whether they are hobbies, interests, passions ... this is a wonderful time for self discovery, and while you aren't liking what you're discovering at the moment, there is good stuff underneath it all if you take the time to find it. Early sobriety has a way of messing with our emotions, and it's a normal part of the process of healing. Some of those emotions are pretty icky. I've done a lot of soul searching (I'm on day 20) these past couple of weeks and in the beginning I was pretty disgusted with myself. I did, however, also learn that no matter how bad we're feeling, alcohol will only intensify it and make it feel worse. No going back to that poison for me.

You are so young and have so much promise of a good, full, sober life ahead of you. I wish I'd been as reflective and introspective as you are at that age. I really believe you want a better life, not the end of your life. We're here for you and will help all we can. Wishing you all the best.
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Old 01-19-2012, 08:42 AM   #12 (permalink)
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You aren't alone. I felt the same. I work the AA program. The steps saved my life.
Welcome to SR!
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Old 01-19-2012, 08:49 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DazedAnd View Post
The initial good feelings I had about myself for quitting are fading and being replaced with old self hate. I drink and smoke because I want to kill myself but I'm too much of a coward to ever really do so. I don't even have the urge to drink or smoke, I just want to fill the void and take out my anger on myself. A decent looking funny 22 year old who's never had an actual girlfriend. With a manipulative family and no real friends. With no real direction in life. I've done everything I can - old bad habits gone, weight gone, misanthropic ways abandoned. And I'm still the same miserable piece of crap I always was.
I relate to this DazedAnd, I'm 24...those suicidal thoughts come from our use, I think. And the rest of your perception might be twisted from using and drinking. With this thinking, you'll dig yourself deeper and maybe relapse. I know it seems like fairy dust, but try to stay positive! If you want friends, remember that people are attracted to positiveness. You said it yourself, you're "decent" looking...so breathe, go out there and better yourself. Stop thinking these thoughts, they're a time sink and will only hurt you.
And you're not a piece of crap. When you think of how glorious life and conception is, you realize you're a miracle!
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Old 01-19-2012, 08:53 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Dazed:

Glad to hear that this thread is providing an outlet. I'm new and just learning so I can at least tell you that you are not alone. I'm on day 2 right now and have found lots of support on this forum. Your description of your feelings is saddening and I hope that you find some relief soon.
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Old 01-19-2012, 09:34 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Dazed, it sounds like you're doing things really well to get your life on track.

I wonder if you have considered that you might be depressed?
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Old 01-19-2012, 09:37 AM   #16 (permalink)
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I don't even have the urge to drink or smoke, I just want to fill the void and take out my anger on myself.
Interesting you're noticing a void. Do you think everyone has a void? If so, is your void the same as nonalcoholics' voids, or the voids of other alcoholics? What about the alcoholics who don't drink at all...what happens to their voids?

Would anything other than drinking fill your void, or at least make it smaller and thus reducing the pressure of your need to fill it?
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Old 01-19-2012, 10:04 AM   #17 (permalink)
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I had thoughts of suicide two nights ago dazed. I don't think I would ever act on it, but to me it's scary. Your not alone. Early recovery is very hard, especially when those emotions that we numbed start to come back. It's definately been a roller coaster for me. Maybe talk to a therapist or consider some AA meetings so you can get this stuff out. Two nights ago, when i was feeling so bad, I got a notebook and wrote exactly what I was feeling and thinking and what I was mad at. That took the angst away almost immediately and I had a decent nights sleep. Give something a try and don't give up.

God bless.
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Old 01-19-2012, 10:19 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Congrats on taking this problem on at 22, it doesn't get any easier when your older. My drinking problem was getting in to full swing at your age and I chose to embrace it rather than deal with it. Today at 36 I am worse off because of it. I've had similar feelings as you and they kept me in the bottle for 17 years. In the end it doesn't make those feelings go away and it keeps you in a rut preventing you from living and growing. I'm 36 single with no kids because in large part I hid from lifes challenges and tried to drink away everything I didn't like about myself.
You have started a path to recovery and a new life. Your whole life can change for the better in a single day. You never know when that day will come. You're young and ahead of the game compared to where many of us were at 22. Give your sober self a chance.
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Old 01-19-2012, 10:26 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Hey Dazed,

Three years ago I discovered a secret in fitness that has been paying me back in spades. Most people think that I run because it keeps me fit, which it does, but I run because it clears my mind, brightens my outlook, and releases enough endorphins to level my outlook on life. I know this advice is a little difficult to follow if you haven't run in the past, but maybe give it a shot:

- Just get outside and start the slowest jog you can muster (a notch above walking - and I apologize if you are a world class athlete and this comes off as condescending). Over time you will speed up - again sorry if you are a major runner.
- Don't stop after 1 mile or 5, stop when you really just can't go any further. If you have been going for more than 90mins, you probably have what you need.
- Do this when you feel the most despair, for me, I need to do it the very first thing in the morning. You may say right before bed.
- When through, just slow down your thought, take a shower, and go about whatever is next on your agenda.....

Really works miracles for me. All that was left was getting sober. Once i kicked the bottle in the last couple of months, I'd say my anxiety has basically died, I generally tend to see the glass half full, and when presented with an obstacle, I'm much better armed to deal with it. Here are a few obstacles that i sailed through in the last 50 days:

1. 93 year old grandfather with broken hip, and basically on his last legs (pun intended)
2. Loss of heat in the dead of winter
3. Lost wallet and phone
4. Broken iPad

Here are a few gifts:

1. Sober
2. See # 1
3. Family upgrade on flight home from San Diego, when there was no reason to get it but a smile on our face
4. Excellent Board meeting, with no anxiousness
5. Son made it to local Olympic swim finals

Most of what i shared about my highlights and challenges are no great shakes. Hell even mundane. My point is that FOR ME, my running and my sobriety have made even the most mundane of things a high note in my life.
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Old 01-19-2012, 10:32 AM   #20 (permalink)
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DazedAnd,

Don't ever give up on trying sobriety, whether you are sober or not when you try. I once knew a guy who was drunk at nearly every meeting he went to for the first two years. Most people had written him off and/or gave up on him. He died a few years ago with over 20yrs sobriety. Why? Because he refused to give up trying sobriety (no matter what).

The comment "Believe me I felt about myself the same way you seem to...I felt worthless and useless and I despised myself...noone hated me as much as I did" is a huge statement. I was my own worst enemy and continued to beat my own self-worth up until it was black, blue and bleeding!
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