husband to first AA mtg--how do I help?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3
husband to first AA mtg--how do I help?
I am brand new to this. My husband is an alcoholic who finally went to his first AA meeting last night. I really want/need him to stay sober for him, for us, for our kids, but I'm not sure how to help him be successful. I don't know if he plans to go to another meeting today or not. And, I'm worried that the intensity of his physical symptoms over the next few days might drive him back to drink. A friend recommended that he see a doctor, but how do I convince him of this? In general, I'm just not sure how to talk to him. I don't want to pester him too much, but I'm also afraid to say nothing. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks. SS
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: North FLA
Posts: 115
Although I cannot offer any advice, I can express my admiration for the support you want to offer your husband. He's lucky to be married to someone who understand the "in sickness or health" aspect of your vow.
Good luck.
Good luck.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
I would try Al Anon. Allow him to focus on him for now, you focus on you. It will all come together in time. I know first hand as a daughter & wife of an alcoholic (and eventually as an alcoholic) that alcoholism affects the whole family.
Give time time.
Hugs & Love,
Give time time.
Hugs & Love,
LIVING SOBER
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Cent MD
Posts: 104
My wife and I are both in recovery as alcoholics.
Therefore, we both live with a recovering alcoholic.
We cannot control one another’s path in recovery. (As you and your husband, probably would not have much success in doing)
However, we can share from our life’s experiences what has worked for us. (This is helpful to both of us as alcoholics, and as the partner of a recovering alcoholic.)
At best, we can only make suggestions, not demands, about the direction either one of us should take at this point in our recovery.( it is important for both of us to understand that one or the other may not be ready to take that step, or able, to understand its importance at this time.)
Although our judgment in dealing with reality was somewhat impaired at the time that we began recovery do to the turmoil and confusion in our lives, we found that a quiet discussion about all of the alternatives, with a good dose of common sense and honest humility, usually produced the most valuable, if not always the most desirable results.
There will be much for both of you to learn about this disease, and the effects that it has had, and is having on your lives.
Both of you will require a large degree of tolerance, honesty, and understanding.
You seem to have a firm grasp on the problem facing you, and your concerns about your husband visiting with a doctor for health reasons are very valid.
This is a topic you may want to discuss with him in a very calm and gentle manner.
You may suggest the benefits of having a doctor to help them through the physical discomfort during initial stages of quitting alcohol, to help him achieve his goal of regaining his life back.
Although it would not appear so, we as alcoholics suffered greatly from the knowledge about negative effects that our alcoholism have on our family members.
One thing was apparent to me as an alcoholic, from the very beginning, was that my relationship with others, and my desire to fit comfortably into their lives, could not be honestly changed until I made some changes in myself.
In the simplest form, I had to get better, before I could improve any of my relationships.
Trust from others was important in my recovery, but I had destroyed so much that my expectations were that it would take quite a while to rebuild any type of quality trust.
My opinion about successful recovery is that it takes an understanding about the complexities of this disease, a willingness to change, time for growth, and a large amount of faith.
Continued participation in recovery can mean a free and joyful life for everyone involved.
You will find many great suggestions here, so please keep reading, and searching the threads for the answers to your questions.
If you have a specific question to ask it, you may get a variety of answers, but if you’re honest with yourself you will know which suggested path to take.
Therefore, we both live with a recovering alcoholic.
We cannot control one another’s path in recovery. (As you and your husband, probably would not have much success in doing)
However, we can share from our life’s experiences what has worked for us. (This is helpful to both of us as alcoholics, and as the partner of a recovering alcoholic.)
At best, we can only make suggestions, not demands, about the direction either one of us should take at this point in our recovery.( it is important for both of us to understand that one or the other may not be ready to take that step, or able, to understand its importance at this time.)
Although our judgment in dealing with reality was somewhat impaired at the time that we began recovery do to the turmoil and confusion in our lives, we found that a quiet discussion about all of the alternatives, with a good dose of common sense and honest humility, usually produced the most valuable, if not always the most desirable results.
There will be much for both of you to learn about this disease, and the effects that it has had, and is having on your lives.
Both of you will require a large degree of tolerance, honesty, and understanding.
You seem to have a firm grasp on the problem facing you, and your concerns about your husband visiting with a doctor for health reasons are very valid.
This is a topic you may want to discuss with him in a very calm and gentle manner.
You may suggest the benefits of having a doctor to help them through the physical discomfort during initial stages of quitting alcohol, to help him achieve his goal of regaining his life back.
Although it would not appear so, we as alcoholics suffered greatly from the knowledge about negative effects that our alcoholism have on our family members.
One thing was apparent to me as an alcoholic, from the very beginning, was that my relationship with others, and my desire to fit comfortably into their lives, could not be honestly changed until I made some changes in myself.
In the simplest form, I had to get better, before I could improve any of my relationships.
Trust from others was important in my recovery, but I had destroyed so much that my expectations were that it would take quite a while to rebuild any type of quality trust.
My opinion about successful recovery is that it takes an understanding about the complexities of this disease, a willingness to change, time for growth, and a large amount of faith.
Continued participation in recovery can mean a free and joyful life for everyone involved.
You will find many great suggestions here, so please keep reading, and searching the threads for the answers to your questions.
If you have a specific question to ask it, you may get a variety of answers, but if you’re honest with yourself you will know which suggested path to take.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
I was going to respond to your questions line by line, but I think there's just a few key points to be made (in my humble opinion).
1. I think it's great that you're being thoughtful about this. Alcoholism affects more people than the alcoholic of course, one of many tragedies of this 'condition', for lack of a better word.
2. His recovery doesn't depend on your help. His recovery is none of your business. That's harsh, right? Let me explain.. None of us can do this with our whole beings if we're doing it from feeling guilted, pressured, ultimatum-ed, loved, supported, etc.. into recovery. It's an inside job. Nothing in this world but me could get me recovered, nothing in this world but me could keep me an alcoholic or make me drink.
3. You will never understand alcoholism. (that is a good thing!). But you can read a bit of the factoids behind it, Under the Influence is a pretty basic starting book, there was a follow up to that book called Beyond the Influence.
4. Help yourself, and your children. That's about all you do have control over. Hopefully the kiddos haven't suffered too many consequences of dad's drinking (yet, but they will. I was raised by 2 alcoholics. I don't recommend that environment for any child, ever). You, I'm sure, have suffered many of the consequences that come with loving an alcoholic. Please seek out an Alanon meeting (like AA is for alcoholics, Alanon is for people who love alcoholics), counseling, meditation, whatever it takes to make sure YOU stay WHOLE and not fragmented in this situation.
5. Detox. It's deadly sometimes. You can't help with that either, other than calling 911 if things go south. He really should be under the care of the doctor. Even if you had a medical degree it'd be inappropriate for you to care for him, ya know?
Thank you for being so thoughtful. I hope that nothing I said was rude or discouraging.. this is brutal life or death stuff, and destroys more than the person doing the drinking.. I know this.
1. I think it's great that you're being thoughtful about this. Alcoholism affects more people than the alcoholic of course, one of many tragedies of this 'condition', for lack of a better word.
2. His recovery doesn't depend on your help. His recovery is none of your business. That's harsh, right? Let me explain.. None of us can do this with our whole beings if we're doing it from feeling guilted, pressured, ultimatum-ed, loved, supported, etc.. into recovery. It's an inside job. Nothing in this world but me could get me recovered, nothing in this world but me could keep me an alcoholic or make me drink.
3. You will never understand alcoholism. (that is a good thing!). But you can read a bit of the factoids behind it, Under the Influence is a pretty basic starting book, there was a follow up to that book called Beyond the Influence.
4. Help yourself, and your children. That's about all you do have control over. Hopefully the kiddos haven't suffered too many consequences of dad's drinking (yet, but they will. I was raised by 2 alcoholics. I don't recommend that environment for any child, ever). You, I'm sure, have suffered many of the consequences that come with loving an alcoholic. Please seek out an Alanon meeting (like AA is for alcoholics, Alanon is for people who love alcoholics), counseling, meditation, whatever it takes to make sure YOU stay WHOLE and not fragmented in this situation.
5. Detox. It's deadly sometimes. You can't help with that either, other than calling 911 if things go south. He really should be under the care of the doctor. Even if you had a medical degree it'd be inappropriate for you to care for him, ya know?
Thank you for being so thoughtful. I hope that nothing I said was rude or discouraging.. this is brutal life or death stuff, and destroys more than the person doing the drinking.. I know this.
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