Eliasson

I have a little over 5 months now. And in general I'm doing much better. EXCEPT, my husband and I have not been intimate since I quit drinking. This is kind of embarrassing to talk about, and I'm trying not to be inappropriate, but drinking and "intimacy" went hand in hand for me. I don't know how and am terrified to be intimate without alcohol. It doesn't help that he still drinks up a storm, as do all of our friends. I'm feeling dangerously close to convincing myself to "just have a couple glasses of wine" when I'm alone with my husband to help overcome this problem and help save my marriage. At this point I don't even know how to go out to dinner with my husband or be romantic without drinking. I just freeze, have nothing to say, stare into space. This is NOT how I was when I was drinking. Has anyone else been thru this? I could really use some suggestions and some help. I really don't want to throw away my sobriety, but i have lost a whole big part of myself without alcohol and I don't know how to get it back. Please help.

WantToHeal

This is an issue that can be addressed with marriage counseling. People seek help for exactly this type of problem every day, and counseling can provide a safe, supportive, constructive environment. If your husband won't go with you, then go yourself.

Please don't throw away five good, hard-earned months of sobriety when there is a better way! You've done great, keep it up! When you quit drinking, you really need to learn to live all over again.

laurie6781

Boy do I remember feeling that way. I was absolutely TERRIFIED.

I was ready to 'try' it at about 6 months, and to be honest, I found sexual intimacy much more enjoyable sober than I ever had drunk. My 'senses' were more alive.

I do not know how I would have felt if my partner had alcohol on his breath or was partly inebriated.

Don't fret, you will know when you are ready.

Just wanted to let you know that someone out here does understand. No need to throw away that hard earned sobriety.

Love and hugs,

keltie

I felt awkward too, but I think the best thing is to just jump in and DO IT! LOL- sometimes time goes by and you build it up in your mind to be more scary than it really is. Just do it, maybe it won't be the best time you've ever had, but you'll overcome that hurdle!

Is your husband supportive of your sobriety? Would he be open to not drinking to support you?

kiknit

I am experiencing the same thing. Its been once in almost four weeks. Unheard of for us. The difference with me is that my DH and I quit together.It's like starting all over again in that department. Obviously, alcohol takes away inhibitions. We need to relearn how to be intimate without alcohol. If your partner is not interested in joining you in your sobriety, I hope he is at least supportive. It's so important to have someone to be there for you. If not, keep up exactly what you're doing and remember that we are all here for you, cheering you on.

Cardinalfan

I am praying that you don't give up your 5 months of sobriety. Please know that it isn't the easy way, this thing called sobriety....you have to learn how to feel again, like a child learning new things. Be gentle with yourself and take small steps. Hugs to you!

1undone

Count me in on this! Just the other day we DID IT! LOL But it was weird. I don't know what other way to put it. Trust is a major issue for me and then there is the feeling that DH isn't interested in my body. He asked me the other day if I was interested in being intimate and I said yes. In a way I was not honest because I don't know if I trust him. Would I trust anyone anymore? Am I just damaged? I suppose we all go through this but it's only touched on in the BB of AA.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this like obviously so many of us. This sucks! But don't drink over it. If I can't you can't. LOLOLOL

Cob

One thing I would ask myself would be is why hasn’t my husband gone crazy and done everything including begged for some intimacy? But perhaps he has and that part of the story isn’t included. My problem was that my wife would never be intimate with me if she smelled alcohol so I had to make sure that if we were going to be intimate that it came first and then after that I could get my drink on. And that was a way of life for quite some time. But too many years of drinking will also take away the desire…believe it or not that is coming from a man. It may be age related as well but there came a time when it just wasn’t worth the work to have to do it anymore. I don’t mean to sound rough but if I’m going to have to work for it or beg quite honestly I can do without it. Don’t misunderstand, I’m not throwing off of my mate because she is great and I know that she loves being intimate as well as me but there have been those times when if I had to try to convince her it just wasn’t worth it. But as far as what you are talking about…it’s like riding a bike, you never forget how. I agree with what someone else said…just jump right in and before you know it you’ll be swimming again. And yes, it is better sober…for all parties involved. It would be a big struggle though if my mate smelled like a distillery. Not that, anything like that would stop me because being a man it wouldn’t but, I have to wonder if it would possibly trigger the desire to want to drink. Either way…I say just close your eyes and dive right in…I wouldn’t say anything…I would just enjoy the moment…I guarantee he is enjoying it or he wouldn’t be there. Oh yes…the most important thing…no, it’s not worth drinking over…it’s highly overrated to say the least and the toll that drinking takes on the person as well as the relationship is so much greater of a loss than the gain of a few moments of intimacy. I would stick with the celibate lifestyle before I reunited with the drink…we know what drinking does…I’m quite certain that being celibate for a while would not have the negative effects that drinking does.

LoftyIdeals

Don't give up on sobriety, Eliasson. We were 4 days from each other in our sobriety dates. I'm still having adjustment issues, as well. Truthfully, when I went on antidepressants for my SAD in October, I started to get my sex appetite back. My marital relationship has a lot of unraveling to do in sobriety, including sexual issues. And, I don't like smelling my wife's wine in the room, much less on her breath. If she's at all tipsy, I am not at all attracted. Despite my drunken displays being 1000 times worse than her being tipsy, I can't bring myself to it. They say ex-smokers are the worst non-smokers there are; maybe the same is for ex-drinkers. Give it time, you'll get over it. You've had a lot going on in your life over the last year. Don't let yourself believe this is the norm, or that it's forever.

Peace,

SSIL75

Eli - I think you know the problems with your marriage extend far beyond the very common sober sex struggles.

Is this really the issue here?

sugarbear1

Congratulations on 5 months!

Give time more time, things will change. Are you working a program of recovery or just not drinking?

Peace,

Eliasson

Thank you to everyone. Yes, I'm working a program of recovery, and yes, the problems with my marriage are far more than just intimacy issues. I guess I was feeling like if I could just fix that one issue other things might fall into place? Maybe it's not just sober sex I'm scared of, but sex with HIM. I've tried to tell him it's really hard for me to be "in the mood" at night if all day he has been emotionally abusive to me. He just doesn't get it. He has said he won't stop drinking or even be supportive of my not drinking because he "just won't do one more thing" for me. I burst into tears. This is all so painful to me. I'm not used to feeling all these feelings. He was much nicer to me when I was drinking. Or maybe it was just easier to stay in denial. I know if I started drinking again, as weird as it sounds, I could save my marriage. But I would lose myself again. I'm so scared of being alone and of taking care of my son with cancer alone. So scared of how I can make it financially. So I'm afraid I'll go back to drinking just to keep that from happening. If I could only learn how to have sober sex with him, maybe that would make everything better? Anyway, thank you all for your words of encouragement and support. It helps a lot to have somewhere to turn.

Threshold

E,

Have you hung around the Friends and Families of alcoholics forum here? I'd suggest you take a look. From what I've read of your posts over the past few months, you might be like me, and find yourself very much on both sides of this....the addict and the enabler.

Hugs, and by all means DO NOT DRINK.

you've tried drinking one thousand times before hoping it would make things better...did it ever truly make things better?

bcboy

Good job on the 5 months Eliasson

Your situation sounds much like mine. I hope for both of us this changes in the future.

It has been 1 1/2 years for me now sober and no intimacy of any kind.

MsJax

Elliason, I'm so sorry you are feeling like that & going through crap with your husband. In 2009 my 15 year relationship came to an end & we had had almost zero intimacy, drunk or sober, for years. I thought something was wrong with me! I even saw my doctor regarding my lack of desire . I was so used to blaming myself for every single things in the world, of course I took the blame for that too. I am single still, I do date & I have no problems at all in the sex department. I also will not have sex with someone who is drinking. Sober sex rocks.

Maybe you're right, as you said above. Maybe it's not sex that's the problem, maybe it's sex with Him. That's how it was for me. You have done so well with your sobriety! Please don't jeopardize your hard work with this issue. If he won't work with you, it's not your fault! I feel you are taking blame for things that aren't yours! From what you've said about emotional, verbal abuse, he sounds like a first class @ss*ole. I hate it when people get treated like that.

soberlicious

This is his idea of foreplay I'm guessing? Geez, can't imagine why you're not feeling like jumping his bones at every opportunity.
Could it be that this is not about intimacy issues drinking vs. sober, but rather about intimacy issues involving your self-esteem that has quite possibly "taken a beating" in the form of verbal abuse? Do not start drinking again. Do not lose yourself. Your son needs you sober.

NewBeginning010

Hi Eliasson, Dont throw in the towel, get some help from someone outside of your situation (councilor etc..). I think you were clear on what was happening when you sobered up last year & now its time to get some help dealing with it. You have done a great job of quitting, keep up the great work & get some help to solve some of your problems. Here is one of your posts from last year as a reminder, take care ~ NB

P.S. It doesnt sound like you will be saving a marriage but losing yourself in an ongoing unhappy relationship under the influence of alcohol.

Dee74

I think there's some awesome advice here Eliasson.

Worry about the future was what kept me down, and kept me drinking....eventually I had to make the leap of faith and do waht I knew was right for me - and everything that happened to me from that point on - all the changes - all of them may have not worked out like I thought they might, but they did all work out for me.

I never regret getting sober and staying that way. The alternative is too horrible to contemplate.

D