Just when you think you have control,
 

..You realize you really dont!

I've made some mistakes these last few weeks. Been doing "good" but like others have mentioned, a glass of wine here, or a beer there never leads to good things. I have not had a binge... I have not blacked out... but any alcohol, for an alcoholic... is not a good thing.

I went a week... 7 days, without anything. Seems so short in general, but so long when you are dealing with an addiction issue. Then 5 days... then 3. Just wine... cause wine is good for you in small doses! right!?! And I'm young, and everyone my age drinks, right!

I don't think I am a moderate drinker. I think I am a moderate alcoholic. I dont drink a gallon of booze... I dont drink and drive... I dont do stupid things in public.

I've had no childhood trauma... have not lost any close relatives, I have multiple degrees, good health, parents still together, married to an AMAZING man, just a no-possible-other-explanation wonderful life!!

I have no excuse to drink and throw my life away!

So, although I am trying sooo hard to do this sober thing... I am scared I will never succeed. I am so EXTREAMLY happy when I am sober... Why would I still want to drink?? I go from KNOWING I can do this, to feeling like a lost little girl in just a day or two. Thinking "one or two" wont hurt... but it usually does, some way or another...

I think I struggle the most because I am not the "cookie cutter TV Drama" alcoholic. I use that as an out, and an excuse to have wine on weekends, or buy my husband beer, (which I usually finish)... But... Its not working anymore.

I want a healthy, happy life. And moderation... may not be an option for me...

ACTUALLY... I am starting to realize it is NOT an option for me.

I want to quit... completely.

Why can I quit so easily for breif amounts of time, just to return to the same freaking thing!?! I am scared to death, that at 27... I will have to fight this the rest of my life!!!

Feels like a never ending battle...

BUT....................................

I am worth the fight!! I want to better myself!! I want to be a fun fabulous woman!! I will beat this and although I know it will be a process, I will be successful!! It starts here and now... I'm 48 hours sober and will stay that way!!

Welcome back Cammlle
it's true...noone else is just like us :)

But we, sneaky devils that we are, can use that - 'my circumstances are different', 'I'm not as bad as that guy', 'if you lived my life you'd drink too'...

in the end, our drinking is destroying us, and we owe it to ourselves, if we want the kind of life we deserve, to stop that self destructive behaviour :)

congratulations on your 2 days :)

D

Sorry, there is no "moderate alcoholic". It's an all or nothing condition, like being pregnant or not.
It's good to find out which side you belong to.

I agree, once you know and decide to quit for good things are so much better.

Congrats on 2 days!

I was being somewhat sarcastic with that comment... But I kinda disagree with the pregnancy comparsion... Is there a stick I can pee on to confirm I am indeed addicted to alcohol?? I think addiction is something personal, something an individual needs to realize and accept on there own before conquering the issue. With Alcoholism, you do get "morning sickness", you do get a belly, you do get food cravings... So I guess its kinda similar... But I do think there is a bit more grey area in the alcoholic / non alcoholic area than the pregnant/ not pregnant area.. In my opinion.

But im more concerened with my own long term goals right now, and yea, alcohol doesnt fit in that path... Will do all I can to keep it that way!

I can relate to your situation very well as mine is the precise situation.

I am still on day 3 only hence not an authority to advise any thing .

Recently I read a book called " Easy way to control Alcohol " by Allen Carr. If you not read it, give it a try. I am getting a different perspective after reading that book.

Wishing you a very healthy life ...

Alcoholism is an illness that is progressive, I think that is what you're saying, and you're beginning to realize the track that you are on. It sounds as if you are getting closer to insight/clarity with this. It is very difficult at first, I sometimes freak out about the notion that I think I will have to be sober for the rest of my life. But I just take it a day at a time and most days, it's no longer really a struggle, I don't really miss it as I once did. And I know my thoughts are overall much clearer/healthier.

Having had a couple of relapses myself (this is my third time getting sober in a year), I can relate so well to what you've said. I'm realizing that my alcoholism is never going to "go away," that I will have to be vigilant for the rest of my life to avoid going back to it. It is a cunning, baffling, powerful disease, and it is patient too. It has been scary to me to hear stories of friends in AA who were sober 20+ years and then relapsed. It is always there, and we can't afford to be complacent about it.

I heard someone in AA the other day say that alcohol "has her number" and it can "call anytime." That made a lot of sense to me. I've noticed in early sobriety that I can be chugging along just fine and then out of the blue, I start thinking about a drink. Not that I am desperate to HAVE one, it just pops into my head. As time goes on, it gets less and less, but it's still there. Sobriety is work and it is work that will never stop. But the rewards are worth the work.

It's good that you are having these insights - they will keep you on track. It also helps me to remember, as Michelle said, that alcohol is a progressive disease. It never gets better. I think back to all the horrible things I did/said when I was drunk, and I never want to go back there again. Every time I relapsed, it was worse. If I go back to drinking, I might never recover again. That keeps me on the straight and narrow.

Wishing you all the best.

alcoholism is progressive. there's no such thing as a moderate alcoholic. the "moderate" alcoholic is just early in the progression, which is a great time to quit instead of wasting 15+ years like i did.

Right there with you lady. Multi degrees, great job, wonderful kids, nice house, marriage to a supportive partner etc etc. Only blacked out 2 times in my life, mostly drink at the house.

But things were getting worse. I was drinking more when I went out - was sneaking drinks, drinking when I did not want to etc.

I sometimes think I can just have a drink now and then - I WISH I could just have a drink now and then. BUT I just don't think that's an option for me or anyone who's really passed the line to addicted. I think if I start again I'll get worse. I think I'll go back little by little until I'm back to drinking when I don't want to.

I guess what I'm saying is I hear you and can totally relate - I don't have an horror story to reflect back on. No one telling me or even thinking I have any problem. In fact I have people telling me I don't have a problem - that they've seen me drink and I'm fine - but I know I'm not.

Many near misses - many where I could have made an ass of myself. I have drove while under the influence - I have taken care of my kids alone in the house drunk - I know I have a problem.

Do I "love" life sober. No - can't say I do - My life is still just that my life - with it's troubles, worries, stresses etc. - but I like it more than when I drank.

Good luck and welcome back - it was nice to see you posting again. I can say now coming up on 2 1/2 months sober that - well it's fine.

CB, Glad to see you back, and glad that you are still in the game. Not so glad that you have been drinking.

All those wonderful things you share about your life and why you have no "reason" to be an alcoholic..well, Alcoholism is more an inner issue than an outer one.

Like any illness, it is not dependent on how educated, happily married, or how nice your parents are. It is what it is.

Also we can have all the trappings of a traditionally happy life, but not have the happiness. Sometimes people who have those things, like yourself, beat themselves up if they have other issues. It can keep them from getting help or addressing the issues because it seems like they shouldn't have problems.

I hope you won't let any of those things fool you into not moving ahead in recovery.

Your comment about feeling like a little lost girl really stood out for me. That is me to a T. Sometimes life seems so big. In recovery, I am finally learning to face things, that little girl is feeling a little less lost. Hanging around here helps. My program helps.

Me three (except for the supportive partner thing - mine has a major drinking problem).

I think one of the problems with being labelled is that the old sterotypical alcoholic is sitting on the sidewalk clutching a bottle of Boones Farm wrapped in a paper bag, mumbling to himself. Except that that is, I am sure, the exception not the rule.

Are you stopping because you think you will feel bad when you drink? If so, this is fear-based quitting, and here is what usually happens. You feel bad after a bout of drinking, so you stop, telling yourself that you are stopping because it feels bad. However, there is another part of you that knows perfectly well that there was once a time when drinking felt really, really good, and that part of you may never go away.

So, you hold out with this fear-based strategy for a while, but eventually, you start to forget the pain, which was your reason for quitting. Unfortunately, since you won't easily forget the pleasure you once derived from drinking, a little voice in your head starts talking. It says something like "Come on, Camille, just a little won't hurt, if you're careful. Besides, how do you really know that things will be bad. It might be wonderful instead, just like the good old days."

Does any of this sound familiar? If so, try shifting your perspective. Instead of quitting simply because drinking will feel bad, presume that drinking will always feel absolutely marvelous, but that you will nevertheless forsake that particular synthetic pleasure. By doing it this way, in contrast to fear-based quitting, it won't matter if you forget all the bad stuff, which you probably will.

Camille, I disagree with your comment that you think you will have to fight this for the rest of your life. Yes, early sobriety is a fight and it takes a lot of motivation to stop drinking and focus on recovery. But, I'm not fighting 'not drinking' on a daily basis. It's not something I even think about in my daily life.

I am really glad that you're back and working on your recovery. :)

I agree with what Anna says. I quit smoking years and years ago (pack and a half a day) and I never, ever think about having a cigarette.

What I found true for me was that I had to be ready to quit drinking before I could actually do it. Really ready, not just feeling morning-after remorse.

They say in AA that you have to hit rock bottom before you will try to pull yourself up. I doubt that is literally true for everyone, but it was for me. They also say that rock bottom is defined by each individual.

I had the college degrees, great job, loving marriage, etc. etc. I still have most of that. For me rock bottom was losing my marriage. The moment I realized that this time she wasn't coming back, I had no problem quitting and have had no desire since to start drinking again. I knew then that I really had to make a serious change in my life or else the pain would be repeated. I had to do it for me, out of love for myself.

Congratulations on the 48 hours and good luck!