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gds 01-14-2012 04:14 PM

My wife is not supportive
 
I'm frustrated and looking for advice, support, and encouragement. I told my wife that I am going to go to AA. She reacted by saying, "you don't have a problem. I've been through this (with her ex) and you don't have a problem. I didn't sign up for this when I married you."

She was attacking me! It seems like she's embarrassed to be married to a guy who goes to AA.

It seems so backwards. In many instances of which I'm aware, the wife forces the husband to go to AA (or some other type of help depending on the problem) or else.

I have a problem with alcohol. She says, "Nobody thinks you have a problem.". I say, "I say I have a problem and I dot want it to get worse and cause more problems than what it already causes."

Please help me understand how to deal. Do I just put my foot down and go anyway? Do I search for some other form of help?

Any input is appreciated. Thank you.

Dee74 01-14-2012 04:22 PM

Hi gds
welcome to SR :)

Altho I was single when I started recovery, many of my loved ones were not supportive either....if change is scary for us, it must be doubly so for them - cos without being in our heads they only have half the story....

It all worked out tho - eventually even they couldn't argue recovery/not drinking was really doing wonders for me :)

I hope it will be the same for you and your wife :)
In the meantime, you'll always find support here - 24/7 :)

D

steelmagnolia 01-14-2012 04:37 PM

honey, you don't need her approval to get help for yourself! whether or not she approves is irrelevant...you know there's something awry. do it for you...she will learn as you go. good luck to you...mags

Zebra1275 01-14-2012 06:46 PM

I didn't sign up for this when I married you."

It's marriage, not contract negotiations. You don't need her permission.

Your wife sounds pretty dang defensive, does she drink?

GirlFromCO 01-14-2012 07:18 PM

Hi gds. Welcome to SR :)

Maybe your wife is in denial a bit about your problem... She might be afraid she's going to have to repeat the past all over again with her current husband. With time, I bet she'll relax a bit. It might be a bit frightening for her, I imagine.

Regardless, if you think you have a problem with alcohol you are taking a good step by coming here and attending meetings or whatever is going to work for you to get sober. AA works for many, but there are as many ways to recover from alcohol as there are alcoholics. Figure out what works for you and stick with it. Eventually your wife will realize that you're not her ex and it's not going to blow up in her face - Only if you stick with it, though.

Anyway, that's just my sense of it as an outsider with very little information.

Best wishes :)

jocata 01-14-2012 07:18 PM

Gotta do what you know in your heart that you need. If you don't get that help, your marriage will likely not survive in the first place.

I wish you the best.

God bless.

desertsong 01-14-2012 07:29 PM

Your spouse may be in denial about your alcoholism. It happens. She doesn't want to be "associated" with someone who is an alcoholic and your going to AA reinforces that for her. She may see it as a reflection on her and isn't comfortable with that. I'll bet she's thinking about her past marriage and not wanting to go through the same thing again with you. I'm sure it's scary for her, as GirlFromGo said.

The priority right now is YOU. YOU know you have a problem and you are taking steps to get better. That's all that matters. If you don't get sober, your marriage is not going to be healthy anyway, so do what you have to do to prevent things from going that route. The only person who can decide that you are an alcoholic is YOU. And if you have decided that that's what you are, then you have the responsibility to do something about it. Thankfully, you are. My prayer is that your wife will see it too and be grateful that you are taking steps to preserve your life, your life with her, and your marriage.

Follow your heart, my friend. You are doing what you need to do for yourself, which in turn will be a huge positive for your marriage and all of your other relationships. Give her time to let it all sink in and for her to see the positive changes in you that are going to happen. Hopefully, in time, she will see that you knew what you were doing. Best of luck to you.

Threshold 01-14-2012 07:30 PM

Wow! I experienced the exact same thing with my husband when I got into NA, down to the same words "I didn't sign up for this when I married you"

He was definitely embarrassed that I was in NA, and mortified that I spoke about it with some of our friends. He was not supportive, but you know what? He wasn't supportive of my using either, and I managed to do that, so I decided I could recover without his support too!

Do what you need to do. She will either come around or not, but at least YOU will have progressed and saved your life.

Hevyn 01-14-2012 07:39 PM

gds - Welcome to the family. We're so glad you're here with us.

I agree that you must do what it takes to get well, whether others approve or not. Only we can know what it's like in our own heads, and how difficult life can be due to our drinking. Many of my family members & friends refused to acknowledge how dependent I'd become on alcohol. I could've used support & encouragement from them, but instead I found it here. I hope you'll do whatever is necessary to get yourself healthy and well again. Keep talking to us - we care about you.


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