Totally Lost On This One
 

Hi-

Not even sure where to start with this one but I drank AGAIN after racking up about 30 days again. I think I know what it was this time...I stopped going to meetings and became complacent I guess you could say. It wasn't something that caught me off guard, it was a choice and one that I mulled over all day. In a 24 hour period I lost my car, keys, phone (found them all) but I just want to kick myself sometimes. I got through the holidays, very painful and difficult I'll add, and then I just throw it all away? I can already tell I'm back on the cycle again and need to stop it. I woke up today feeling like crap and wanting to get more but I know I just need to suffer for the next few days until I get out of the hangover and can get back on track.

Sorry if I seem so confused, I just don't understand why I keep putting myself through this. I KNOW what's going to happen, so why do I seem to think it's a good idea when it never ends up being a good idea. It's like there's this other person inside that's unmotivated, wants to take the easy way out, and is just all around awful! When I'm not drinking I get so much done, I actually like myself, and I feel like I'm progressing and going places. It feels like I'm dealing with the devil. Ugh, thanks for reading.

I did that many many times, Inca.

I had to make a decision whether I was going to drink again or not. I chose not - so I committed myself to doing all I could to make that happen.

I had to cease to see drinking as a viable option. I had to take that option off the table - for good.

It is a lot of work - and life can be especially tough when we're used to popping a bottle and not worrying about anything (we conveniently forget about the price we have to pay down the line....)

But the more I stayed sober, the more I deal with life sober, the easier it got, and the better I felt.

Changes happen when we make changes -I grew a heck of a lot in my first 6 months & I had a lot of wonderful things happen - I wouldn't have missed that for the world :)

You've done 30 days so you know you can do this - maybe you need to think about that you need to change or add to your programme?

D

Hi Inca, I fell off the bike a few times myself so to speak. Each time learning something new, what not to do, confirming my powerlessness over alcohol and more importantly how awful this poison really is in every way & knowing where it will lead me if I dont stop now.

I finally had to let go of that simple thought of ever drinking again, god what a relief it was to finally & completely accept that fact.

You can do this, we are all here with you :ring

Thanks D, you're absolutely right. I find I do great when I go to meetings everyday, come on here and post, read recovery memoirs, etc.

I did so well over the holidays because I threw myself into recovery and family. Now that I'm back to work, it all kind of fell apart and I need to work on "why" and get better at multitasking. I have a hard time making numerous things in life a priority. With my job, I let recovery and work on myself go to the wayside. I'll keep making adjustments and hopefully I can make it stick once and for all.

It's my belief that I didn't believe that I deserved a good life, so I kept going back to alcohol. When things started to get better, I became fearful and so I self-sabotaged because I actually felt more comfortable with failure.

Believe in yourself and that you deserve a good life. :)

New Beginnings- yes, that makes sense. Each time falling off the bike so to speak has been a learning experience. Thanks for the support. Helps me realize I'm not completely crazy for questioning this beast!

Good perspective Anna. The more I try to understand what's going on with me, the more I confuse myself. What you said makes total sense and this has happened before due to overconfidence. Thx

I as many have taken several stumbles in this road to recovery. :)

Each time I though I had a little more knowledge of what I did want and didnt not. Before it was just to drink and never feel .

Now just love to feel and not to drink. :)

Every slip is just a reason to get right back up and do try again. :)

Good love, Inda

We all make mistakes, Inca. The key is to learn what you can from them, and try to move on.

Look at me, I've been registered here for almost 3 years, but I have a sober date of 13 days ago! It happens...

Hi Inca,

You know what you need to do. Listen it will get easier, do meetings, this forum whatever it takes.

You know how much better life is sober you have experienced that
.
I know you can do it.

CaiHong

So what are you going to do different this time?

That's the key. You were sober for 30 days but couldn't sustain it. Change up what you are doing.

Hi,,,,

None of you guys know me but I'm an opoid addict and heavy drinker at best... I know I fit all the criteria of some to say that I'm an alcoholic... I am but not the kind that lose my mind if I don't have any or that have to drink the mouth wash to live,,, I want you guys to know how much you have just helped me... I drank too much the other night after my friends funeral service and whats worse I took an adderall which I wouldn't have done if I'd not been drinking.... I feel like crap about it but all I can do is start over... lord how many times have I went back and forth about all this,, and probably have a while to go.... I'm on methadone so I don't take pain pills anymore, but when I went in the other am,,, they aske for a drug screen and I'm probably in trouble bc of doing the adderall.... I'm praying they don't test for that but who knows.... and then I guess some of the alcohol could have been in my pee,,, I hope not,,,, It had beeen about 12 hrs since the last drink and I ate before I went to bed and when I got up. thankyou so much for sharing your experiences on here..... It really does help and I know you will do fine,, bc you are strong enough to be honest and that is saying alot..... good luck

Yes, CalHong, Zebra, Rinky... It seems to be all about changing what I (we) are currently doing. Something is missing. I know how good it can be because I've been there now. If you asked me 6 months ago I wouldn't have had a clue. So I know what I need to do, thanks for the reminders. Time to kill the beast ya know? :)

I'll tell you what's missing...The program....Meetings are great...The 12 steps are what make it happen...Put your energy into that and that should keep you busy enough to stay away from drinking...Do you have a sponsor?...Someone to guide you through the steps?....That is How It Works.

I did have a sponsor but now in transition. Yes, Sapling that is part of the problem. Wasn't really my choice though and threw me for a loop. That's the problem I have I think. Whenever life happens on life's terms I have a problem with it. I need to learn how to deal with these things without drinking. Right now I try to stay positive and go about life like nothing is wrong and then I drink and wonder why. Thanks so much for making me think about this. It helps a ton!

Try working the steps, as previously suggested. They changed my life!