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what do I do..can anyone relate?

Old 01-13-2012, 06:09 PM
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Unhappy what do I do..can anyone relate?

All I can say is thank god this forum is here!!.. here I am again...unable to STAY stopped, have trouble accepting my variety of alcoholism as can manage to have only 1 drink on occasion but yesterday had 3 and was plunged into the most awful depression and despair, disconnection and feeling like I was just nothing..so frightening. Have moved to a new area, feeling very lonely, and have tried AA again but felt didnt fit it as I am more of a occasional drinker now, never round the clock etc,etc, now if I succumb to this poison it takes days to regain some balance as I go back to square one. Trying not to go back onto antidepressant as felt it made alcohol cravings worse. i have suffered low grade depression all my life, and you would think I would know better as I am a health worker working in an area where people have died with etoh related brain damage!! But I wantonly drink forgetting the risks of an acute episode of mood disorder,my "friends" who I drink with, drink more than me but dont seem to have the horrible side effects. Omg I am so desperate to get off the merry go around for good as it really never gets better. I suppose the question I am asking is .. has anyone here suffered acute depression whilst and after drinking a relatively small ammount (3 drinks)??? Do I qualify for AA if I can on OCCASION stop at 1 drink now? PS i am in my 50's now, I wonder if my liver is just unable to process it so it just goes straight to my brain? How do I stay stopped? I am a christian and pray, but that is just not enough ..alcohol has a mind of its own.
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Old 01-13-2012, 06:27 PM
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Welcome back FR

Like I've said before I think it's easy to wrap ourselves in labels...sometimes I did 'well' by not drinking heavily (by my standards), other times I was out of control...but I still had the problem.

I really don't think it's how much we drink or how often as much as it is what happens to us when do.

Drinking caused all kinds of problems in my life, for years - but I still *desperately* wanted to be that occasional drinker...


No matter if I was in a 'good' phase or a 'bad' one I still wanted/needed alcohol in my life - and that's the insanity.

I fought so hard to keep alcohol is my life, when the solution was to just...let it go...

I'm not in AA but as far as I know the only requirement is a desire to stop drinking? (someone will set us both right if I'm wrong there LOL)

as for your depression - please do see your Dr - noone needs to live with being depressed.

There's all manner of treatments - sometimes it can take a while to find the one that's right med for you for example, the one that will deal with depression and not bump up your cravings.

Don't give up - and it's good to see you back

D
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Old 01-13-2012, 06:45 PM
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Yes dee is right about the different ways mood issues can be resolved. I was on an antidepressant and I think it increased my cravings so I went the route of a mood stabilizer. It has helped BUT not if I drink. No matter what I take if I drink while on it it won't work or makes me worse mixing these drugs with alcohol.

I don't think it matters how much knowledge you have of alcohol or medicine in general in decisions we make to drink. I mean there are doctors that attend my AA meetings. And many nurses. So to think that because you should know better you make the right choices means nothing when it comes to addition. jMHO

I've had to go to all sorts of doctors to figure out my mood issues and why alcohol was such good medicine for me for years. Now it's not, dumb stuff doesn't work anymore, I have one glass of wine and I'm drunk! It's crazy. And of course I have more and black out. Fun huh?

Maybe the stuff does go right to our heads now. I've tried to read about this but don't get direct information. Oh well, we know ourselves and that's half the battle.
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Old 01-13-2012, 07:31 PM
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I feel for you fragrantrose. If I even had one drink I would feel anxious and down the next day...many people don't but we are all unique so sometimes there's no rhyme or reason. Personally I think I used alcohol to ease my anxiety which of course was 100 times worse when I came down. And when I would binge, I would be so depressed it would take days to get over. I am just about to hit a week tomorrow and I can tell you that I already feel so much better without alcohol. Not perfect. But improved and improving everyday. I hope you find the tools you need to feel better and I am in a new area too with little support but SR helps tremendously. We are all here for you and usually someone is there to respond no matter what time of day.
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Old 01-13-2012, 07:53 PM
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Alcohol doesn't really help depression and anxiety, or mood disorders. It may have a short term relief effect... but you pay for it double after. Alcohol can be the biggest trickster of them all. Drinking created anxiety for me not only chemically, it was the things I did when I was drinking and dealing with the fallout, all the horrible feelings and self recriminations afterwards.

I too could contain my drinking sometimes. And that would mess with my mind even more. The point for me was that I could never predict it. Sometimes I'd control it, but I never knew when I might have an enormous binge.

I have no regrets about stopping for good. But for quite awhile I struggled with the thoughts of 'Okay I've been sober for one/two months now, a bit isn't going to hurt is it?' Very unhealthy cycle.

I think we can get too caught up in the labels of this disease. In some ways I fit the profile of a 'typical' alcoholic, in some ways I don't. I've made a lot of personal growth since I quit drinking altogether, which I was held back from otherwise, and I enjoy not having the obsession anymore, that is great freedom. It sounds like you have a lot in your life not worth risking FR. And your current pattern doesn't really sound like it's making you happy does it?
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Old 01-13-2012, 08:00 PM
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I suffer from depression and have for as long as I remember. Without anti-depressants I cannot survive. I was a weekend drinker and half the time could control the amount and the other times...watch out. My depression after drinking was HORRIBLE. It would get so bad I didn't want to get out of bed. I am hoping that now that the alcohol is gone so will those feelings.
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Old 01-13-2012, 08:06 PM
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Fragrantrose

Everything you described lines up exactly with what the AA book describes as untreated alcoholism. And bear in mind, alcoholism has nothing to do with how much or how often you drink. My sponsor is and out-and-out real alcoholic and he only drank 4-6 weekends per year his last couple years.

Dee was right - a desire (preferably a sincere desire) is all that's "required" to attend closed AA meetings (anyone at all can go to open meetings).

Many ppl come to AA, work some of the steps and decide it's not working or not for them. Sadly, this is a big and vocal group. On the other hand, there are many ppl who've gone, worked the whole program, embraced the principles and for them, I've yet to see one person not get past everything you posted. .......including the drinking problem.

(interestingly, you won't find a page in the AA Book that tells you to stop drinking or how to stop drinking........because if you're suffering from untreated alcoholism, drinking is only an outward symptom of an internal condition - it's A problem, not THE problem).

Put some posts up in the 12-Step section and you'll get some more hits from AA regulars if you're so inclined.
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Old 01-13-2012, 10:18 PM
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search xa-speakers.com and listen to some AA speakers
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