Character Defects
 

In a few months I'll be 85 and I haven't had a drink for 23 plus years. I think I've received a lot of benefit from AA and probably would not have been sober so long without it. But have my "character defects" really been "removed"? Just tonight I found myself being just as obsessive, compulsive and perfectionist as ever in trying to assemble some sound equipment for my wife's birthday. And I was so tired, hurting so much from arthritis and yet I felt that if I didn't get it "right" I would have trouble sleeping. My wife didn't seem concerned and suggested that I wait until tomorrow. But I wouldn't wait. I finally got it right but I guess this kind of thing could give me a stroke or heart attack some day if I kept doing it. Hasn't AA taught me anything? Would a "higher power" really be able to "remove" this from me? Well, to look on the bright side, what AA has taught me is that I have these weaknesses and I should focus on ways to cope with them, to take it easy, slow down, have patience, humility. I think it's taught me a lot about myself. But it's also led me to believe that it doesn't provide any magic solution, no sudden "removal" of "character defects". All it did was to put me in touch with my true self, stopped me from lying both to myself and to others, helped me recognize my weaknesses and helped me cope with them. And, above all, it helped me give up drinking. Maybe one of those weaknesses was that I didn't work the program perfectly, follow it right to the letter, the way it's written down in the Big Book. But I sometimes wonder whether, even if I had done that, would I have become an easy going, non compulsive, non perfectionist person. I'll never know. But I'll settle for what I can get. I'm reasonably happy and have absolutely no inclination to pick up a drink. Also, for what it may be worth, any person taking five different blood pressure medications a day ought to know that one good drink would probably put him on the floor, possibly for good! And many years ago a nurse told me that cirrhosis of the liver, as a way to die, is worse than cancer.

W.

P.S. I'd like to add one more thing. I respect myself now. I'm not bragging about it since I certainly didn't do all this alone and I tried to do it alone for more than thirty years and failed miserably. But still I respect myself, don't mind having myself around. I'm sorry for all the stuff that happened in the past, but I'm over the shame. I had an illness and failed to take the necessary steps to do something to get well. And maybe some of those who tried to help me may have been, for one reason or another, ineffective. If I had been in their shoes, knowing what I know today, I would have said, "Get yourself into some kind of a program, whether it's AA or something else, some program where you meet with other alcoholics, seek their help, advice and companionship. If you do that then I'll be at your side to do all I can to help you find long term sobriety. But that's what you have to do before I can help you."

W.

I don't know, W. That sounds about as close to getting your character deficits removed as we may be able to get in this life. I wouldn't count tonight as a failure. You learned something.

Congrats on 23 years....Amazing stuff. I think the answer to that for me would be yes...That doesn't mean that they don't pop back up now and then. You have to make a conscious effort to deal with them as they do...I had a guy in a meeting one day saying it was like that "Whack a mole" game...I think of that every time I see a charactor defect rear it's ugly head. You sound like you are doing great. Thanks for sharing.

Thanks folks. Actually I also sense that the "beast" the AVRT people talk about is still there: a childlike figure which craves getting just what it wants and it always wants it "right now". (like Claus Von Bulow said of his wife: "Whatever Sonny wants, Sonny gets!"). I have been told that there is considerable scientific evidence for this "beast", that it resides in the so called "lizard brain" and that no "higher power" can make it completely disappear. All that can be done is to chain it up in its little dungeon and ignore its moaning and groaning, trickery, etc. Interesting that the chip they hand out at AA meetings has inscribed on it (along with Polonius' admonition: "This above all, to thine own self be true") the inscription said to have been at Grecian Delphi where the oracle held forth, "Know thyself!" If AA does not "remove" character defects, it seems to help coping with them. And learning to "know" oneself seems to be a road to what AA calls a "spiritual awakening".

W.

For me a spiritual awakening is all about serenity...Something I never even knew existed or what it was for that matter...I've heard it said that serenity is being at peace with your Higher Power...I've had glimpses of it...And work on getting more of it every day. I comprehend the word serenity.

Hi William.

I guess if it is a defect that bothers you, just keep working at it. You are aware of it, want it to change, and to me , that is success in the making.

I have some of that, er, I like to call it determination, and I have always considered it a good thing. I don't give up easily, and like to have perfect results, on some things. It has be a good thing most of the time.

That perfectionism has probably saved you , in many ways. maybe being disappointed in yourself is the defect to lose? I think you are amazing. 85- I can't believe it-

take care. and I hope that I did not say anything dumb, since I am just beginning to learn boundaries and codependency.

:)

Hi William, I think a lot of men can relate to that feeling of cussing at instruction manuals etc, and refusing to give in. I'm not sure it's even a character flaw, we're all stubborn as hell when given a screwdriver and a diagram. A few months ago I was up until 2 a.m. dripping with sweat, trying to assemble a kitchen unit, it took two attempts! Like you, there wasn't a hope of rest until it got done :)

I spent most of the day wrestling with inanimate objects too - so no comment for me WP...:)

I've accepted myself as a whole now - sure there are things I can work on, but I know some stuff is never gonna change :)

Personally I find it good when I use my obsessiveness for good instead of evil (I was helping someone today)...

and at least I know when to quit now, lol :faint

interesting topic. thanks :)
you must let us know when your birthday is wpainter :)

D

Thanks for that post W. Reminds me that the program really does work for those that put in the effort. I'm a recovering perfectionist also. I think that trait has helped me in many instances, but it can also adversely affect my serenity if I'm not careful. Sometimes I need to settle for "good enough."

Congrats on your sobriety.

God bless.

Thanks for your insightful post, W. Your wisdom shines through it. We humans are a broken lot, arent' we? I am grateful to be a recovering alcoholic, and thereby be provided the opportunity to know myself in a way that many folks never take the time to do. It sure does give meaning to what would otherwise be an unending rat race through the maze of life. In sobriety, I understand that I'm in a maze, and can deal with the decisions to find the right path, with the help of God.

I admire your wisdom and sobriety, and am glad you are here on SR and willing to share it. Thanks.

Bill,
Thanks too for an inspiring post. In the clandestine and foreign services one learns not to look in the mirror or fails. That is to say they have to learn that the adversary does not think like they do with whatever altruism or evil they may see inside. In order to understand that admonishment we have to first look inside and look in all our corners, shocking though we might think we will find some. The old truism that "Nothing so needs changing as the habits of another" becomes for those seemingly obsessed with control issues that they have looked and run, or refused to look at all inside themselves. When all is said and done, more is said than done comes to mind. I liked the psychology of AA. It will work for many, but frighten away others. Many fear any God as either a possible reality or one they can't face living with or without. So they fight to remove themselves by immersing themselves in a repudiation of what they claim to be mere superstition. If there are indeed no monsters under the bed we don't try convince everybody 24/7 that there are no monsters under the bed. It is a given and we can let others discover that themselves as we know no one could convince us that there were none until we were ready to face that knowledge.

Drinking isn't the flaw. Drinking was the solution. It served as our blinders so we didn't have to look . . . inside. You are still looking. Being too much of a perfectionist when you look? Could that be the worse of the two? The frustration of not being able to completely overcome our nature? Or the frustration at a task that needs to be perfect? We can change the inanimate, because we are a dynamic? It is harder to change ourselves because we are dynamic, and a moving target.

The looking is the thing, only knowing a possibility of self forgiveness allows it. But until we really look we don't know if we can forgive ourselves. Quite a conundrum for some. Funny how the ones we feared facing the most are simple to fix with a simple acknowledgment, acceptance, and an "I won't do that again," followed by not doing that thing.

Quitting drinking first, then we at least have the "possibility" of "knowing ourselves." Knowing ourselves we have the possibility of forgiving ourselves. Then we can change ourselves. I also have a lot to thank AA for. They did show me what I had to work on, and what I had already done.

Early in life I had some startling awareness thrust upon me. It made my life a joy, and my careers wonderful. Alcohol was my way of dealing with ethics issues in business after retirement from the military. My honor code was just not successful in the civilian sector. I looked in the mirror. Found gentle honesty and assumed it in others. Oops!

Sober I now can live a life, instead of living a lie. I am content. I let go of the world and surprise surprise, it still spins on its axis and the day still comes. I have the time to find what I want, instead of what I want of others.

I am way way way at the beginning of all this so I am not presuming to tell people with more experience how they should do it, only adding how I am working at this, since I am working my 6th step.

I am currently examining my list of character defects, how they play out in my life, what my life might be like without them and which spiritual principles I might apply instead.

Sometimes all I can do is NOT act on a character defect impulse. That's a start, to put it down.

If nothing else, I get the experience of doing something differently, a small taste of what life might be like if I no longer reacted to a situation the same way I have before.

I get a chance to see how it feels to do something differently. The initial impulse is still there, but if my new response, generates a result that I like, I think I am more apt to choose it next time. Positive conditioning.

Sometimes it's just a case of "at least do no harm" that's a big step forward for me.

At this point, my character defects have not been removed but my seeming NEED to act on them has been lessened. I am willing to NOT act on them (at least some of the time) and see how that works out. A degree of compulsion has been lifted.

It is hard to control ones' self actually from such character defects - but that should not become another hindrance on your life. Everyone of us in here got to pass and recover from alcoholism, and probably the next big step for such people who are suffering from this.

What a wonderful lot of replies from all of you! Thank you so much! Such nice folks you all are! I always told myself that the nicest people I ever met were alcoholics.
And I sure got a laugh about some of you sharing my frustrations with putting stuff together from instruction manuals. And I remember, many years ago, on a hot day outside of Kansas City when my wife and I were trying to assemble a "teeter totter" for the kids, how insanely frustrated we both got, since the whole thing seemed to have to be screwed together under terrific tension, so that the metal parts were held under terrible strain. That put our marriage to the test you can be sure!
As far as I am concerned, the great icon of alcoholism suffering from the tyranny of inanimate objects was W.C. Fields. Just witness his unforgettable performance in "The Golf Specialist", where he vainly attempted to tee off while struggling to disentangle his club from a bunch of newspapers and an apple pie. They say that he would take a break off the set and have a few sips, remarking, "Who put grapefruit juice in my "grapefruit juice"???

W.

There is so much truth to that.

My husband isn't an alcoholic but I can assure you, he'd be no different than you when putting something together with directions. I just WALK AWAY.

This is a most thoughtful thread!!! ;)

Hi wpainterw. I am just starting out on my journey to recovery and I can already relate to so many of the things you said. I already feel like AA has helped me become more honest with myself and has allowed me to feel like I'm moving forward with my life and taking action, rather than being stuck in the past and escaping my issues. I don't think AA or the higher power concept is an instant cure-all but rather it's a way of living that helps us cope with life without alcohol, and better than we did before. I often wonder how it all works or how it could end up working out but I just having faith. My higher power is my own inner conscience, the new and improved version of me that I know is in there and that is let out more and more as I focus on her as a sober person. (I am new to this and use the group and the connection with all human beings and the world as a whole in my concept of the higher power.) I suppose I pray to "myself" or to "whatever/whoever may be out there." But what better way of life is there than to honestly examine our actions and motivations, to ask ourselves/the group/the universe for guidance and strength? I struggle with "turning my will over" to some unknown force but right now for me it's more about realizing I can't always get instant gratification, that not everything is about me, that I have a purpose in my life and I have to live accordingly. Of course that purpose doesn't include being a miserable, depressed drunk. So right now that is what I think and do and it is working out and I hope it keeps working out for me as it has done for you. I don't think anybody is perfect, nor should we demand or expect perfection from ourselves. We just make an honest effort and be patient and loving with ourselves and that should be good enough. Thank you for sharing, because it helped me. :)

Thanks again, W, for the thread.

Thanks also, Itchy, for your eloquent post. I hope you have considered publishing some of your thoughts (outside of SR). You have quite a gift of insight and expression!

Thanks Pigtails. I'm so glad I might have been some help to you! Every good wish on your journey. May you walk in the sunlight....

W.