Blah Blah Blahhhhhh
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Sharpsburg, GA
Posts: 2
Blah Blah Blahhhhhh
Hello all. My name is Andrew. I've been lurking on this site for quite a while now but have ever actually started an account until tonight. I dunno know. Kind just sat down at the computer and said screw it I guess. Anyway I've been clean for a little over 9 months and am just having a hard time. Hell, maybe thats why I decided to start an account. Sometimes it gets hard to talk to my sponsor because i feel like I have the same problems over and over again and I feel like he gets tired of it. I dunno. But anyway. for the last about two or three weeks I just haven't felt that glow about recovery that I had for the first 3 months. Then it dropped off some and then picked back up again. But I'm just kinda blah. I've been having a lot of thoughts in my head about drinking/using but usually I just go to the kitchen and slug down a bottle of water or eat some junk food or something like that. I guess anything to fill that hole that I feel although I KNOW nothing really does fill it and it's an inside job but hell I guess it's just my nature to use things. Whatever. My recovery program has really slipped in the past weeks. I'm still on my 9th step and have been lingering there for quite some time. I made like 4 amends and then for some reason just stopped. I dont know why and now I just cant seem to find the willingness to pick it back up again. And now on top of that my meeting attendance has slipped. I dont really enjoy going to meetings like I used to. It suckkkksssss. It really does. Anyway. I havent used drugs today. And thats a big plus for me. I'm a ten year trash can addict. Whatever dope was in front of me was really what my drug of choise was. Towards the end mainly alcohol, pills, and meth. So for me to not pick up really is amazing. I know I still have hope. I just dont have the willingess. VERY frusturating!! But anyway I wanted to get all that out. i'm new here. I know this post is just one long ramble and it jumps from place to place but this is just where my head is at right now. Thanks to whoever reads and possibly any suggestions. Goodnight to all
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 343
Hi, Andrew! So glad you joined SR. If you've been lurking awhile you've probably already figured out there is lots of support here without judgement. We're all addicts and no one is any better than another.
That said, I hope you'll post often.
That said, I hope you'll post often.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,962
I stopped on my 9th a month ago (7th for me) and I heard someone say something like, "I used to sabotage my self and enjoyed sitting in my pain, too."
I finished mine within a week.
I have to stay ahead of my disease; it wants me dead.
Move forward!
I finished mine within a week.
I have to stay ahead of my disease; it wants me dead.
Move forward!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Newburgh
Posts: 868
Hey Andrew. Welcome.
Don't beat yourself up. We all go through ups and downs in sobriety. The main thing is that you haven't picked up again! That is a miracle. Don't downplay it.
The key is to keep on trudging.
Try some different meetings. Mix it up a little.
Renew your efforts on the amends. By all means keep on reading and posting here. It's been a life saver for me.
Just remember, this too shall pass.
God bless.
Don't beat yourself up. We all go through ups and downs in sobriety. The main thing is that you haven't picked up again! That is a miracle. Don't downplay it.
The key is to keep on trudging.
Try some different meetings. Mix it up a little.
Renew your efforts on the amends. By all means keep on reading and posting here. It's been a life saver for me.
Just remember, this too shall pass.
God bless.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Welcome...And congrats on 9 months...That is amazing. Something is blocking you with that step....I just wanted to get that one over with...Even though it is one I will be doing the rest of my life....Living amends. You have your list from your 8th step....Became willing....Did four of them and stopped.... Started going to less meetings....Thinking about using....Got to be something there.....I was told that if you are having a problem with a step...Go back to the one before it....Untill you find out the problem...I don't know...Maybe you just aren't "done" yet....Only you know the answer to this one. I was done...That kept me willing.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Florida US
Posts: 296
Hey Andrew, I hear ya. I relapsed after 6 1/2 years and just before I did I felt exactly the way you are feeling now. I tell you it's a lot easier to stay sober than to get sober. Trust me on this. Don't throw away the sober time you have, you will regret it. Sit with the feelings of restlessness and the thoughts of using, just sit with them and wait until they pass. They will pass. Cherish your nine months, thats a GREAT accomplishment.
Keep reading and posting here, it really helps, and don't stop the meetings if they work for you. Good luck.
Keep reading and posting here, it really helps, and don't stop the meetings if they work for you. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,126
When I don't want to go to a meeting and I force myself to, I find that I really glean something I needed to hear.
There is something to be said about the rule of three -- if the month of sobriety you are at can be divided by three, things can go askew. That's the way it was for me at six months, nine months, 12 months....we'll see about 18 months.
Meth and benzos, I suspect, do a number on the brain unlike other drugs. They are the only drugs I know of that change brain chemistry to the point that it takes months and maybe even years to begin firing properly.
Do share with your sponsor what is going on. Remember, the success rate of AA (and I assume it's similar to NA) is about five percent after one year. So make that year! Become one of the five percent.
I also find that when I am just hopelessly mired in my own head that if I get out and try, just try to help another drunk or addict, I fee better. Lots.
There is something to be said about the rule of three -- if the month of sobriety you are at can be divided by three, things can go askew. That's the way it was for me at six months, nine months, 12 months....we'll see about 18 months.
Meth and benzos, I suspect, do a number on the brain unlike other drugs. They are the only drugs I know of that change brain chemistry to the point that it takes months and maybe even years to begin firing properly.
Do share with your sponsor what is going on. Remember, the success rate of AA (and I assume it's similar to NA) is about five percent after one year. So make that year! Become one of the five percent.
I also find that when I am just hopelessly mired in my own head that if I get out and try, just try to help another drunk or addict, I fee better. Lots.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Well, you said you're in AA and you're on step 9 - partway through. Now it seems like you've hit a wall. I can identify. Similar thing happened to me over my own unwillingness to continue moving forward.
Your story reminds me of the story of the boy on the bottom of p 151 - 152.
Since you're on 9 I assume you completed your 4th step. Remember where it said "selfishness, self-centeredness that we think is the root of our troubles....." It helped me to get back moving when I saw that it was my old ideas of never really doing much of anything that I didn't "want to do" or "understand" in advance.
I didn't feel like continuing with the steps.......I didn't see much benefit since I wasn't feeling good "now" so I stalled.
For me, I had to go back and restart from the beginning because I'd learned that it's always (well, 99.9% of the time) a reservation with the 1st step that lands me in trouble. When I've decided I can slow things down, skip a step, skip some amends......it has always centered around the belief that I now have some power over alcohol and that my life really isn't all that unmanageable.
Your story reminds me of the story of the boy on the bottom of p 151 - 152.
Since you're on 9 I assume you completed your 4th step. Remember where it said "selfishness, self-centeredness that we think is the root of our troubles....." It helped me to get back moving when I saw that it was my old ideas of never really doing much of anything that I didn't "want to do" or "understand" in advance.
I didn't feel like continuing with the steps.......I didn't see much benefit since I wasn't feeling good "now" so I stalled.
For me, I had to go back and restart from the beginning because I'd learned that it's always (well, 99.9% of the time) a reservation with the 1st step that lands me in trouble. When I've decided I can slow things down, skip a step, skip some amends......it has always centered around the belief that I now have some power over alcohol and that my life really isn't all that unmanageable.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
I got that feeling to. Not using is great, but it alone isn't something to build a life around.
I am not sure if this is what you are feeling, but about two months ago I got to a place where I was feeling "is this IT, is this all there is, NOT using?"
And I knew that wasn't right, that I got into recovery to have a life...so I started doing some other things. I work recovery into every day, as in doing my step work, reading and posting here, and LIVING the steps to the best of my ability in my life. Working them into my day, but not letting them BE my day.
I also have "stalled" on some steps, and had to take a closer look at what was happening. When I got hung up on six, I realized I had to go back and take a deeper look at three.
Nine is a "willingness" step too. We have to put ourselves out there into new territory, be willing to face some things we aren't comfortable with and DO something about them.
For me, it means making sure I am on board with three, that I believe that something can bring about change in my life. That by behaving and thinking differently, my life can be other than it was. It's sometimes hard to let go of that old shore, when we are not sure what the new one looks life.
Trying new things in other areas of my life does help me build trust and move forward.
I am not sure if this is what you are feeling, but about two months ago I got to a place where I was feeling "is this IT, is this all there is, NOT using?"
And I knew that wasn't right, that I got into recovery to have a life...so I started doing some other things. I work recovery into every day, as in doing my step work, reading and posting here, and LIVING the steps to the best of my ability in my life. Working them into my day, but not letting them BE my day.
I also have "stalled" on some steps, and had to take a closer look at what was happening. When I got hung up on six, I realized I had to go back and take a deeper look at three.
Nine is a "willingness" step too. We have to put ourselves out there into new territory, be willing to face some things we aren't comfortable with and DO something about them.
For me, it means making sure I am on board with three, that I believe that something can bring about change in my life. That by behaving and thinking differently, my life can be other than it was. It's sometimes hard to let go of that old shore, when we are not sure what the new one looks life.
Trying new things in other areas of my life does help me build trust and move forward.
Re-Tread
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Meditation
Posts: 1,300
Wow lots of great advice in this thread. Thanks all. I didnt make it anywhere near 9 steps or months but I will say that going back out is much more difficult than staying in in the first place. What you said just resonates with me because when I hit that wall and stopped going to as many meetings my sponsor was constantly on my case about not having willingness. Then just as quick as sand I was drunk. That was 5 months ago.
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
This is exactly how I began feeling at right about the same time--9 months--and that's when I started working with a therapist.
Therapy helped me a great deal. I don't know that I'd be where I am today without it.
Therapy helped me a great deal. I don't know that I'd be where I am today without it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 17
Andrew,
I have 7 months of sobriety and in the exact same place as you. Meetings have gotten rather blah and life is pretty boring other than work. Every person is different but I go to about 1 meeting a week. Sometimes I wonder if the advice I get from AA meetings is the right thing.
Either way, I wish you success on your path in Sobriety. Nine months is great!
I have 7 months of sobriety and in the exact same place as you. Meetings have gotten rather blah and life is pretty boring other than work. Every person is different but I go to about 1 meeting a week. Sometimes I wonder if the advice I get from AA meetings is the right thing.
Either way, I wish you success on your path in Sobriety. Nine months is great!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by FlyingRight 
Andrew,
I have 7 months of sobriety and in the exact same place as you. Meetings have gotten rather blah and life is pretty boring other than work. Every person is different but I go to about 1 meeting a week. Sometimes I wonder if the advice I get from AA meetings is the right thing.
Either way, I wish you success on your path in Sobriety. Nine months is great!
I have 7 months of sobriety and in the exact same place as you. Meetings have gotten rather blah and life is pretty boring other than work. Every person is different but I go to about 1 meeting a week. Sometimes I wonder if the advice I get from AA meetings is the right thing.
Either way, I wish you success on your path in Sobriety. Nine months is great!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 567
Welcome Andrew,
sometimes I think if it's just me and my head will tell me all sorts of things to.
I know I cannot go back "out there", I just can't and at times I feel exactly what you posted. By posting this honesty is what helps all of us because it reminds us this disease can lurk inside. Thanks for finding the courage to join.
I up my meeting rate, talk to new people at meetings or here in SR, service can mean go in to a meeting early to help with the chairs etc. and talk to a new member, clean house ( domestics ) and so forth.
It can only get better and I can honestly say it has and still is.
Step 11 is one of those steps I find where it's to go to when things get me really down and the disease of alcoholism is really trying to "break out". Without fail the HP as I understand it reveals directions and thoughts, even if it's simply the Serenity Prayer, it's does calm things and willingness returns, all one then needs is faith.
sometimes I think if it's just me and my head will tell me all sorts of things to.
I know I cannot go back "out there", I just can't and at times I feel exactly what you posted. By posting this honesty is what helps all of us because it reminds us this disease can lurk inside. Thanks for finding the courage to join.
I up my meeting rate, talk to new people at meetings or here in SR, service can mean go in to a meeting early to help with the chairs etc. and talk to a new member, clean house ( domestics ) and so forth.
It can only get better and I can honestly say it has and still is.
Step 11 is one of those steps I find where it's to go to when things get me really down and the disease of alcoholism is really trying to "break out". Without fail the HP as I understand it reveals directions and thoughts, even if it's simply the Serenity Prayer, it's does calm things and willingness returns, all one then needs is faith.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Good for you Pete....I think step 11 is my favorite step. I think it is better for me to just get out of my Higher Power's way and take things as they come. There is a reason for everything...Including the wreckage of my past...Which I have dealt with, to get me where I am right now. Living.....With faith. I do service work...Maybe step 12 will become my favorite step. I haven't sponsored anyone yet...But I think I can and when the time comes...I will know it....And do my best at it.
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