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Anyone Else Feeling Murderie?

Old 01-12-2012, 12:32 PM
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Anyone Else Feeling Murderie?

I've got five months sober as of yesterday. 151 days. And I'm glad, happy, grateful, etc etc.

But I've noticed that:

a) I get serious mood swings now. I go on emotional roller coasters from being an A-Ok-all-around-nice-guy to a viper-tongued schmuck full of anger and rage.

b) I've participated in the creation of some situations which are unacceptable and about which anger is acceptable to a degree...but I see red. I am full of hatred. And yes, I'm in the middle of a fourth step. I see my part, but I still want to murder a m-fer or two.

Is anyone else feeling this way? Anyone will REAL time sober who can give any input or advice? I'd never actually do ANYONE any physical harm unless I was physically attacked, but right now I'm fluctuating between calm and serenity and seeing red and wanting to burn everything around me to the ground.

Help?

Dave
is really not an a-hole. once you get to know him. provided he's in a good mood.
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Old 01-12-2012, 12:36 PM
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Pray a lot...Tell your higher power to take that crap out of your head. That's what you did a third step for.
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Old 01-12-2012, 12:37 PM
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How long have you been sober?
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Old 01-12-2012, 12:41 PM
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Hi Dave,

Congratulations on your 151 days

I felt a lot of rage early on & big mood swings too - but all that had pretty much had dissipated by 5 months though.

From what my AA mates tell me, a 4th step can be a bit traumatic though.

If this has been going on a while or continues past that 4th step process, maybe consider seeing a counsellor?

I'm not saying you're defective LOL...I've found sometimes it just helps to have that one on one dialogue with someone who knows what they're doing and has an outside perspective

D
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Old 01-12-2012, 12:47 PM
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OH! 151 Days, still early. I'm swingin all over the place and I do get really angry. I am REALLY trying to catch myself before it gets to that point and pull myself out of the situation that triggers me. Hell sometimes I don't but at least I'm working on it. Sometimes I think it's about my expectations too. I think something is going to go one way and it doesn't and off I go....

The mood swings are hell. I'm glad you are talking about it here.
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Old 01-12-2012, 12:48 PM
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Originally Posted by AnodyneShift View Post
I've got five months sober as of yesterday. 151 days. And I'm glad, happy, grateful, etc etc.

But I've noticed that:

a) I get serious mood swings now. I go on emotional roller coasters from being an A-Ok-all-around-nice-guy to a viper-tongued schmuck full of anger and rage.

b) I've participated in the creation of some situations which are unacceptable and about which anger is acceptable to a degree...but I see red. I am full of hatred. And yes, I'm in the middle of a fourth step. I see my part, but I still want to murder a m-fer or two.

Is anyone else feeling this way? Anyone will REAL time sober who can give any input or advice? I'd never actually do ANYONE any physical harm unless I was physically attacked, but right now I'm fluctuating between calm and serenity and seeing red and wanting to burn everything around me to the ground.

Help?

Dave
is really not an a-hole. once you get to know him. provided he's in a good mood.
I felt the way you do at 5 months, and at 1 year 6 months sober I still feel the same way, but not as much. Congratulations on the 5 months.
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Old 01-12-2012, 01:21 PM
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God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

We have no control over other people, places, or things that happened.
You can not change the past, but you can change how you react to things in the future.
Try not to let fear drive you to doing something that is unacceptable in your head and heart.
Examine how that fear is generating this resentment, and find the courage to change what you can so that this resentment does not live rent free in your head.
Dave congratulations on five months, Dave
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Old 01-12-2012, 02:15 PM
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Hi Anodyne. You didn't mention if you've felt this way on the entirety of your sobriety or just more recently. If you've felt extremely on edge/angry for the whole time I'd be thinking you maybe need to make some changes in your sobriety program. I think you should be feeling a bit more peaceful by now...

That said, I have over 9 months & I have been absolutely on edge/irritated/p*ssed off lately myself. (not the whole sober time of course) If you've just recently been more mad maybe it's just the time of year. I see you're from a milder area than me though. Winter f'n sucks here. Tons of bills, work, stress, life! On top of that I think I have always had a touch of SAD myself. And I am not forcing myself to exercise enough. It was 11* F here this morning.

Congratulations on your sober time! That's really good. Please keep us posted on how you're doing and if these feelings begin to subside.
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Old 01-12-2012, 02:38 PM
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Dave,

I will tell you what worked for me.

I had huge amounts of anger when I stopped drinking. It was not something that I was used to feeling so I had no idea what to do about it. I realized two things. One thing was that I was feeling the anger I had kept bottled up for my whole life. The second thing I realized, was that a lot of the anger was directed toward myself. I blamed myself for becoming an alcoholic, for hurting my family and for disappointing myself. I had to learn to begin to forgive myself and the people in my life. The forgiveness was not saying that things that had happened were okay, but it was to let go of the burden of all the negative emotions. I found that journalling was really helpful was in a rage. I would just sit and write in bold letters and let it all out.
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Old 01-12-2012, 02:38 PM
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Anyone Else Feeling Murderie?

Yep.
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Old 01-12-2012, 04:47 PM
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Counselling helped me, I had a lot of anger too and found it helpful to talk it out with the counsellor - just being able to vent with someone calm and objective, they'd listen to me no matter how silly I sounded, I often knew myself that I wasn't being rational, but it still helped to get it off my chest sometimes.

It took me a long time to stabilize, after about a year trying to get sober I finally asked for a psychiatric assessment etc and got my meds adjusted. The first year I felt very up and down in my mood, sometimes I'd feel fine for awhile, then go back to feeling very irritable and angry, overreacting to small things again. Eventually it did stabilize, but I had some help and yep if you're still feeling this way at 5 months maybe ask for an assessment to rule out anything else.
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Old 01-12-2012, 05:16 PM
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Are you working through the steps with a sponsor? Steps 4-7 were cathartic and I felt extreme relief! Do not stop workng on the steps...
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Old 01-12-2012, 05:19 PM
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Thank you all!

It hasn't been this way the whole way through sobriety, but for a little while now.

Some of it is the result of the wreckage I've created. For those who mentioned, there are days when I say the serenity and/or third step prayer every 30 minutes.

And I'm definitely included on my 4th step list. I have PLENTY of self-resentment.

I see the potential for a lot of this lifting after my 4th and 5th are done. Simultaneously, my father was a rage-a-holic and I want to make darn well sure I don't turn into him.
I'll see a councilor if need be. In the meantime, I've started taking out books from the library on dealing with anger, including one by Thich Nhat Hanh, who I really like.

I'm glad these up and down feelings aren't TOO abnormal. I'm taking a lot of these new emotions in stride and remembering that a lot of the pains I'm feeling are GROWING pains as I become a more whole and complete man.

Thanks again all. Serenity and sobriety to everyone.

Dave
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Old 01-12-2012, 05:19 PM
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And yes, SugarBear, I've got a pretty rad sponsor.
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Old 01-12-2012, 06:23 PM
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Originally Posted by AnodyneShift View Post
I see the potential for a lot of this lifting after my 4th and 5th are done.
Wait till you have worked your 9th....Good things start to happen...You will be amazed before you are halfway through. Read the promises...They call them promises for a reason. You're on a good road...Enjoy it. And I'm glad you found a good sponsor...That makes a big difference.
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Old 01-12-2012, 06:30 PM
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In case you don't want to wait that long...Here are the 5th step promises.

• Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted.
• We can look the world in the eye.
• We can be alone at perfect peace and ease.
• Our fears fall from us.
• We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator.
• We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience.
• The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly.
• We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe.

Pg 75 bb
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Old 01-12-2012, 06:45 PM
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Yes, I wanted to murder my co-worker today or at least punch her in the face. I am a 115 lb. 5'7" female - so basically a little wimp. Not usually reactive physically, but it was nice to fantasize. Funny thing is, this has nothing to do with my recovery. I think everyone in the building wants to take her out.

Anyhoo, enough about me. Anoydyne....I think this feeling shall pass. I've gone through so many different phases in my recovery. Most have been mentioned here as phases others are going through or have gone through. It's part of the journey I truly believe.
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Old 01-12-2012, 08:50 PM
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Nine months and I have a lot of mood swings and sudden boiling rages, sometimes seemingly over nothing...then I analyze it and I realize that most of the time it's over a sense of powerlessness.

I HATE that I can't control things. I second guess my decision to let go and let something new operate in my life. I want to pick up all my character defects and build a fortress up around me again and keep all the dillholes out of my life!

When I remember that I've tried that, and wasn't crazy about the results, I get a little more accepting, believing this is a stage I must pass through. Not that I will never feel anger again, but that this particular rutted road I am in, will smooth out some if I KEEP ON MOVING AHEAD. I already know where turning back will land me.

I find spending time with my HP helps, and fortunately my idea of HP allows me to do so in a concrete way.

The website Livestrong.com has many good ideas about working through some of these sorts of issues, and I often turn to it for some ideas.

I've learned that stuffing anger or beating myself up for feeling it hasn't done me much good. Allowing myself to feel it, without running to feed it OR numb myself from it...is helpful in truly getting past it.

I think it is very important to NOT feed it. Saying that fourth step prayer about those people being sick, like me and hoping they find the serenity I seek for myself, helps me put it in perspective.
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Old 01-12-2012, 08:56 PM
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Hey Dave! I remember being on the receiving end of one of your murderous moods, eons ago.

I'm glad you're back, we also mended ways a long time ago too.
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Old 01-13-2012, 12:18 PM
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Hi Dave. I know EXACTLY how you feel. When you said that you see red(hey, that rhymes) I identified immediately.

I am number one on my 4th step this time. I haven't realized how much of my anger was directed at me until recently. My sponser is alwasy telling me to stop being so hard on myself. Wife says the same thing. All this anger is directed at other people and sometimes inanimate objects.

Exercise helps me with this.

Hang in there.

God bless.
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