IAmAbstinent

The more I think about it is the more I think so- as much as I (or my beast) would hate to admit it.

For quite a while I have used the old 'hedging my bets' rational of 'I'll quit now for a while but once my life is more in order where's the harm in dabbling now and then?'

That has been my reasoning for quite a while until I suddenly would see the 'once my life is in order' date getting rapidly pushed forward when I made some excuse for it.

Isn't any kind of adding something to change your consciousness a quiet admission of defeat that you couldnt- or rather were too mentally lazy to- handle what was going on without drugs?

This raises philosophical/practical questions as to when adding something really is necessary- like for medical reasons and such- of course.

I know one of my excuses in the past is that i want to kill myself (one which trimpey also points up as the beast) so it was 'medicinal' and of utmost importance for me to get high.

I've been thinking about how annoying it has been to be dependent on a drug to get a fix and how much easier it would be without having to rely on such things.

I only took quarterly but the effect was still insidious in my day to day life. In hindsight I think I didnt engage properly with the world cos I'd always have this 'bury my head in the sand' type of thinking where I'd think 'I dont have to try and make something of what Im doing now cos if its pissing me off I can just get high'. So certainly escapism in its standard sense.

I still feel quite an empty feeling inside though at the thought of NEVER taking another substance again.

IAmAbstinent

This is pretty crap... I thought this was an active forum but apart from everyone jumping in giving ra ra speech to my 1st post no1 replies now.

Again reinforcing the fact that you should never depend on others and if you want something done you have to take responsibility for doing it yourself.

I wasnt after a shoulder to cry on but the whole point of a forum is to have discussions with likeminded ppl.

Too bad.

Dee74

This is a big site Harambulus - it's very rare for posts to slip through the cracks and go unanswered but when times are busy, there's lots of desperate people wanting help, and post/thread turnover is so high, it can happen - try not to take it personally

As for myself, sometimes I have something to add, and sometimes not - again don't take it personally, but I'm really not a big one for philosophical questions....

I'm sure you'll get some takers tho

D

michelle01

There are many different forms of addiction. Gambling, gaming, overeating, sex, exercise, etc. Even things that are normally healthy can be taken to an extreme and be detrimental.

I think you have to recover on the inside to be rid of addiction in your life. I'm sorry people weren't responding but you sound quite depressed in your post, it can be difficult to guage just how serious it is in a forum context and what is the appropriate response. If you need help right now, I hope you have an awareness of local emergency services you can contact. I've suffered depression myself and sometimes had to use emergency services, at my lowest points - I just could no longer handle anything. They were very helpful and I'm feeling much better these days, after getting some things dealt with.

pangur

ok, I'll bite. I've never posted about my other drug use before, mainly because I stopped a long time ago. I used to love my weekend benders on speed and E, plenty of booze mixed in with that, perhaps some LSD, coke, ketamine, what the hell, the whole candy store. Back in the days of the early raves, blowing whistles, dancing like an idiot for hours on end, sniffing vicks vapo-rub for the tingles, and off back to a house party to smoke some maryjane, sometimes even opium or heroin for the comedown. About 20 of us would head off to the pub in the morning and do it again the next day.
3 days a week for about 3 or 4 years this crap went on for, but slowly but surely we all started to grow out of it. The one substance we all felt long term withdrawal from was speed, I'm not even talking about meth here, just run of the mill, what Grand-dad took for pep, speed. It took between 1 or 2 years before any of us were thinking straight after quitting. Before you ask, how did I know it was speed that did that and not the others, well, you know that little voice telling you it's ok to do speed 4 times a year? Welcome to the club!

augustwest

I don't know where you live, but you posted at midnight est on a Friday. prologue had something to do with the response you got.

Threshold

H, I wasn't ignoring your post, in fact it's a subject I find HUGELY important, but I'm not on 24/7 and when I am on, I don't have the chance to comb every forum. So I hope that you won't take offense and not share.

Your experience is valid and I for one am very hungry for more activity from recovering drug users, beyond sharing withdrawal stories (not putting that down, but I want more of what next)

Ok, apologies over.

When we get hooked on using rather than dealing with life, we need to address the fact that we aren't dealing with life. Even after we've gotten clean from a particular drug.

I mean, it was not just the drug I was hooked on, it was the escape. If I stop a particular substance, but just pick up another way to escape, I am still a slave to addiction.

Doing this didn't improve my life, it just landed me with multiple addictions, including the addition to suicidal ideology. Yeah, there are LOTS of people hooked on the idea that when the going gets tough, we can always snuff ourselves out.

One of my recovery books uses this definition of addiction "whenever we put something between ourselves and reality, that is addiction"

I have found that very useful in addressing addiction in my own life.

Taking actual medication for an actual health issue is not putting something between me and reality, it is recognizing reality and appropriately addressing it.

At one point, most of my addictions felt like self protection, I thought I WAS addressing reality, now I have to look more closely, because I know my tendency is to numb myself from reality.

I don't know about anyone else, and whether their particular recovery means they will NEVER be able to use a particular substance ever again. I can only determine that for myself through total personal honesty. Some people's brain chemistry simply will not allow them to ingest a certain substance without going haywire.

I find that if I start thinking about doing or not doing anything for the rest of my life, I feel overwhelmed. I can only address today, that is the extent, for now, of my ability to deal with reality.

There are some recovery programs that begin with a decision to never do a particular substance or action again no matter what for the rest of my life. I cannot honestly get on board with that, because I cannot make that committment today. Maybe that will change, but my personality doesn't operate that day. I feel trapped by an outside force, rather than doing something of my own free will if I take on that committment. Others find it freeing, and as if they are taking the reins. I find it just the opposite. For me, choosing moment by moment how I am going to deal with my life, is empowering. I believe that I can make healthy and purposeful choices, and not be bound by an earlier promise made in desperation.

that's been my recovery experience so far.

jocata

I have to know what my triggers are, including anything that can be legally prescribed. That includes benzos, narcotic pain meds, and adhd drugs. I have been legally prescribed these drugs in the past for legitimate reasons, but I abuse them everytime, therefore I have to find other ways to deal with pain, anxiety, whatever.

I do take meds for my depression, anxiety that do not trigger me to abuse and they work pretty well, as long as I'm not abusing some other type of drug.

God bless.

Terminally Unique

It depends on the purpose for the dependence. Many people are dependent on prescribed drugs to live a decent life, and this is not a bad thing. For your Beast, the primary purpose of drugs is getting high, with any medicinal use being just a side effect. For you, the primary purpose of drugs should be medicinal, not getting high.

You might want to reconsider, and realize that it is your Beast, and not you, that feels empty at the thought of never getting high again. This is not immediately intuitive, but it will be crucial for you to realize that the Beast will generate feelings as well as thoughts, and you have to learn to detach from such feelings. Otherwise, your experience with AVRT will likely be similar to a "white knuckle" ODAAT experience.

You are using AVRT concepts, which not everyone will be familiar with. There is an active AVRT thread in the Secular Connections forum, though.

doggonecarl

In regards to recovery, that's a fact. Follow your own advice and you might succeed. Good luck.

Anna

It sounds to me like you have a lot of anger to deal with.

You posted after midnight on a Friday night and expected numerous responses by 6:30 am on a Saturday. That's unrealistic.

pangur

It's the World Wide Web though, we're not all in the states. I agree with the anger though, we're all struggling through this together, nobody is trying to cut you off, the more people that engage, the better.

pinpoint

we all get angry when others don't/can't reply to a post that we are desperate for advice from but to stereotype everyone who you think didn't give a sh*t about your post is f*cked up. I wonder if you were high on anything or you were a hurt human being reaching out. I think most here would agree with the latter.

IAmAbstinent

Thanks for replies- though I feel guilty for coercing ppl into it.

I do easily get in tantrums when I don't get my own way.

Prob why dopamine based drugs were my drug of choice so I could control the rewards I got.

I guess stress management is my main issue.