Brainsoup

I realize I am an emotional manipulator. Spotting Emotional Manipulation I know my mom was an alcoholic and an addict. She scares me sometimes. She definitely is an emotional manipulator, I see it in her all the time. I do believe that thats where i learned these tendencies from. I do this emotional/mental ninja'ing to everyone of my friends, everyone i meet and everyone i have ever met (usually successfully... i am a smart guy). my big trick is that i constantly have an problem or a story so that i can stay in the spotlight. I take simple thoughts and complicate them to confuse people to seem smart. I made my problems with addiction seem way worse than they were because I wanted the attention and the people to care for me and be worried about me. I am so ashamed of myself having realized i do this but I cant stop. It's the only way i know how to deal with people. If anyone see's through it i just write them off and convince all my "emotional victims" to do the same. I hate that i do this but it's become subconscious in my life and i am just so sick and tired of having to front to get by. I want to be able to be genuine and i want to be able to be myself and have real feelings of love and fun but my life is just a big fasad and its gotten to the point that i am doing it subconsciously and since i am doing it all the time i am constantly on autopilot and basically asleep 90% of the time. sorry for the rant but I just want help. I hate myself for doing this but I am at a loss on what to do. I have lost touch with myself and my personality or perhaps i never really created one because i have been doing this forever. I just want a solution because if i keep living like this i am going to end up lonely, loveless and empty. Does anyone have any suggestions or hope to share. maybe someone knows of a person like me who turned over a new leaf. Right now i am pretty hopeless.

AA probably aint the place for me. I dont have a drinking problem... i have a life problem. I can drink like my fellows. I screwed up my sobriety this week because i had a 24oz a night the past 3 nights. guess what? it didnt lead me to more, it didnt lead to cravings... it lead me to a bag of funions, netflix and bed. I know that i can drink like most people because quite simply, I have. I drink a few, know when i have had enough, and stop. I have gotten wasted before but it wasnt this mysterious how the hell did this happen experience. I knew exactly what happened... i drank to much, too quickly. I do have a problem with drugs... thats another story. I smoked too much pot so i could isolate and not be bored. I escaped myself and my manipulative, ungenuine behaviours with MDMA / LSD. They gave me what i thought were true feelings. I know now that they werent. What i am getting at here is that my problems arent based around substances but around the way I live my life. I told my sponsor that i screwed up by drinking but learned that I do not have a drinking problem. I told him that I never honestly did the 1st step. I am sure as **** that my life has become unmanageable. I am pretty sure I am powerless against drugs. I am also pretty sure that I am NOT powerless against alcohol. I did the next 2 steps honestly and have seen improvements in my life having given myself to my higher power. I am more comfortable around people and beginning to accept life on lifes terms. I am able to face this huge character defect. My sponsor said that unless i admit that i am powerless against alcohol i will not get anything out of this program and I shouldnt even share my feelings at meetings because I am living in the problem and not solution. I think this is a little harsh. I am willing to stop drinking and do 90&90 but i cant honestly admit to myself that I am powerless against alcohol because from my personal experience... i am not. I am currently in the process of switching sponsors to a guy with more sobriety who i feel more comfortable with. I asked him about this problem (the one in this paragraph, not the first) of not being able to do the first step and he said its okay if i dont know if i am an alcoholic or not. He said that admitting that i am powerless against drugs, and that my life has become unmanageable is a good enough base to build on.

PHEW! Have fun with this one

Itchy

Been there, done that, been the authority figure. The problem with manipulators is when they can't get their way they change the players until they call the shots again. Why would you say "Have fun with this one?" You're living it and seem to say you are in control of alcohol and that your sponsor disagrees and wants you to work the first step and you said you haven't. Aren't you having fun with this one? Perhaps it would be a good idea if you learn to get over yourself a little, enough to actually change some behaviors for the better.

What do you want to do with this one?

Pigtails

Yeah, I often think I have an attitude/personality/thinking problem instead of a drinking problem. But really I've found that it's all related. I don't know if the chicken or egg came first. I would guess I had developed a personality that was well-suited to alcoholism because it was well-suited to manipulating, victim-playing, selfishness, blaming and finger-pointing, ego-stroking, attention-seeking, escapist... so "addicted" is just one negative "thing" on the list of "things" that my personality had become. But the good news is, we don't have to stay this way. I am pretty sure, though, that we need to face our problems, issues and personalities head on, without the escape/bad coping mechanisms of alcohol or any other addictions. I do not believe that emotional growth can come when we're mired down in alcohol. So please do stay sober and work your program, which to me includes addressing the addiction to alcohol and also the overall personality/pscychological issues.

Best wishes.

InParticular

I would recommend seeing a psychiatrist if you haven't already.