I feel like you all must be annoyed at me
 

Since I have no idea what is going on with my life. It seemed like every since last Tuesday and my therapist strongly suggested I look into a recovery program I am worse. I didn't think I was bacd before. Drank 2x/week, took 1-2 hydro a day...now I am taking 5 hydro a day, friends gave me 5 ativans at work, and I did shots of vodka at my waitressing job yesterday. It's like I want to see just how close I can come to the edge before anyone finds out and then get all better. It's crazy thinking. I have children, I'm a teacher, have a great husband. Why am I pushing it?

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Not here!!
 

I am not annoyed at you.

I know exactly where you're at.

Once I realized I had a drinking problem, and tried to start controlling it, it went out of control more than ever. I was a crazy person, bent on being as crazy as possible. It was like the alcoholic part of my brain was rebelling against me, and saying, you can't control me!!!!

Well, I am finding I can prove it wrong... I'm able to control it, but only by never drinking or drugging again. Once I take a drink, I've lost to that part of my brain. But if I don't take a drink, I've won. This is how I've stayed sober for 64 days, which feels like a lifetime to me compared to where I was at! You can do it too. Best wishes.

I doubt anyone is annoyed with you - we have all been there in one form or another. We all had to reach a terrible place before we could realize and accept that alcohol/drugs had taken over our lives, made them unmanageable, and that we were powerless. The question is ... do you WANT to be sober? Are you perhaps hoping that you will push it so far that people will find out and force you to get help so you don't have to make the decision on your own? Did you look into a recovery program?

I drank to blackouts every night and every night did something either stupid, self-injurious, or abusive to my family. Each time I started to drink, I knew it would end up badly but I did it anyway. That's the insanity of addiction .... knowing that what you're doing is only going to get you into trouble but doing it anyway.

Once you decide that you want to NOT use more than you want TO use, you will be on your way. I wish you the best of luck and hope you get the help you need. :)

Not annoyed at you - but scared for you - that's for sure.

Are you freaking because you see this as the beginning of "never being able to drink again?" and you're trying to get your best high on?

If so - just stop thinking of it that way. For now just commit to stop for a month ok? I got freaked in the beginning also and then just came to terms with it. I still can't think of never so right now I'm going to drink again once I turn 75 (I'm 49 now). For some reason I can deal with it knowing that when I'm 75 I'll let myself again. Now when I get close will I? - who the he** knows but for now it's keeping me sane. And as time goes on it is getting easier and easier. I go for hours now without thinking about alcohol or pills (I also liked hydros and had been hooked on xanax for a few years).

Keep posting - we're here - we're support - we all want you to succeed. Not because we want more miserable sober people LOL it's actually because life is better.

This happened in my teen years with my eating disorder. It the week leading up to my parents getting me help I went off the deepend with starving, binging/purging big time. Figured if I was going to end it I was going to end it in style- so to speak.

This made sense to me. I have had trouble making my husband understand I have a problem and no on else in my life knows anything is going on. I almost want to force him to see I am NOT OK in my life.

That's what I thought - and been there also with the ED.

So - take a breath (no really - right now take a really deep breath)


Now take 2 more.

And now - just stop for a month. No pressure past that right now. No need to drinking every bit of liquid in the state because it will all still be there in a month.

Okay - say it with me "Just one month" and if that gets to be too much say "Just one week" and increase it from there.

What do you think?

You have made me cry..this post was so tender and so simple. It is something I can do. Thank you.

Wise words, Tigger, Wise words. Thank you for that - it helps me too. :)

You sounds a lot like me - that's all.

Wish I could give you a hug.

I also reacted to knowing I needed to stop drinking by drinking more. I think the anxiety level increased and so did the self-medicating. Another thing I realized was that I sabotaged myself. When I got close to the idea that I could live a sober life and be the person I wanted to be, I had no idea what to do with that.

I don't think anyone here is annoyed with you, I think everyone starts their journey differently, you know? Have you been honest with your therapist? Maybe you need more supports? Just going to therapy didn't help me as I am on day 3 again once again. I'm still too new to give you much advice except say that every day is a new beginning. Best of luck to you ((hugs))

I can relate to this because I was so used to fooling everyone, including myself. I managed to look like I had it all together but on the inside I was falling apart. Right now I am just trying to be honest with myself and others and say, hey, I am not okay and I want to stop pretending. It's not like I go out and share my issues with everyone but I am refusing to be fake in my affairs. I may not telling every detail of my story or even say I'm an alcoholic or I've been depressed, etc., but neither do I act like I am some superwoman who has it all together. I am re-examing every area of my life and making sure I am being true to myself. I am trying hard not to be afraid to speak my truth, and examining my motives. Good luck. You can do this.

Also - maybe you should join the January class. I joined November and it's one of the best things. You get to know each other and are all at the same stage of recovery and can relate to each other.

Might help. And Capricorns always do what they set their mind to - you should know that!:supernan

I guess I never joined November. (Probably because I first started here in June... then gave it another try in October, then finally stuck with it so far since November). Is it too late??

Hang in there OP! You can do it!!!

Never too late - I wondered why you weren't there. I'm on day 69 - Nov 2 or 3rd - heck I can't remember.

Love your thinking Tigger but I think I'll have a drink at 72 ;) It really does help when you commit to time frames though..I'm only on day 3 so sometimes it's hour by hour (after work anyway because when Im there i don't have the urge to drink. This was a very helpful thread :)

My mom and aunt always said they were going to start smoking again at age 75:)

STOP IT!!! We in this together...:herewego