Hello... I dont know what my problem is, but I need help.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 9
Hello... I dont know what my problem is, but I need help.
Hello, let me just start introducing my self... I am a male, 31 years old, living in southamerica, pretty good shape, do lots of sports.
Will give a brief resume of my life, may be will help...
It all started back when I was 19, always like to drink a lot, at the same time, always been very much into sports... well, till I turned 24, I remember I used to drink from monday to friday, every day, I woudl go to college, get out, and go do something "fun"... till 3 or 4 in the morning, then would wake up at 6 and go to work, would sleep a couple of hours in the afternon just to do it all over again... That lasted till I turned 25th of something, started to go to they gym and caring about my looks (was full of liquids, never fat, but looked like a balloon full of beer) anywyas, that was a normal behaviur among my friends...
After I turned 25, going to clubs and stuff kind of got borring, also quited drink in week days, only when I went out on weekends. Then I have my first "love" experience, it was a little pill called extasis. And there was when all started. I loved it so much becaue it made me feel super man, looked a the mirrors and thought "damn bratt pit aint got **** on me". Up to that point, I didnt do drugs, although my best friends were pot heads, I just didint do it because I didnt like the efects, and coke was out of the question, hated that drug, saw so many friends get their lives ****** over that drug that I told to my self, never ******* ever will try that stuff.
Well, extaiss came in as a ittle pill, and looked pretty harmless, in fact I read a whole bunch of stuff about mdma (extasis) and it was like, ****, this is healthier than driking! it has no physical adiction propierties! I can even drive no problems (I used to drive so drunk that I almost killed my sefl a couple of times) this stuff is the ****! I can hit on girls, and for some reason, I do not get rejected (never really had problems with chicks though), it makes me love ppl, not try to fight them, and damn sex is better than anything, also it self regulates it self, I mean, I cannot get addicted to this stuff because it depleates my serotonies levels, wich will automatically made me cut off till its all back to the normal leves (wich are about 21 days), and there is more dead ppl in a year from lighting striking over their heads than for extasis.
Well I thought I discovered heaven (wich in fact, is what you feel like when you are high, at the beggining). The first year I took it like 3 to 4 times in a spam of 12 months, where I live is not really easy to get them, extremely hard was a that time. Then things turned around and pills were showing up in the country, I was, about fiucking time, and started to use it regulary, much more regulary than what I should have, everyweekend or every other weekend for about 1 whole year, I was having a blast, every single party was so fun, never wanted to end...at some point, things started to change, I was not looking forward to going rave, but I was looking forward to the after party, wich normally consisted with me and a female friend going to a motel and having wild sex for hours... Well, everything looked good, this went on for about a year, I have not been in a serius relationship for about 4 to 5 years about that time, neither I wanted to... Well, this went of for about a year, go pick up the girl, hit the motel, grab som pills and party on... That probably doesnt look that bad right? well, thing is, it started to affect my confidense, I no longer had desire to have sex without drugs, and to make it worst my sex life started to get wilder and wilder, we started to bring other girls, well, agian whats the problem with that right? you'll see...
After a dont know, 6 months, the effects of mdma werent the same, depression came along, I was a messed on week days, and on weekends, eventhough I could take a rest of 2 weekes, it was just not the same... I dont how, one day, I ended up taking coke, and that is when everything went down the drain... Eventhough I fight against it, and I dont have a daily coke habit, it just became part of my sexual life too... Sex parties were wilder and wilder, I started spending all my money on drugs, and whores, the fun was about going online and searching for prostitues, I had already swithced of female friend, now I had several different ones, but my fun it was calling for whores, I spent every single dolar I had on them...
Well, eventually I realized that I had a problem, started doing other sports, combat sports to be exactly, that helped me a lot, for a while... I did some yoga too, also helped me a lot, for a while... Thing is, my mind plays tricks on me, I analyze how my life is going and say, "dude, you can go 3 to 4 weeks with no drugs, you run normally (5k) you are in pretty good shape (brazilian jiu jitsu is very very demaning) you are not craving for drugs (I do not crave for drugs, I crave for partying) so you must not be an adicted? its just your lack of serotonine and dopamine what is making you feel that way... chill out, you are fine....
I've been telling me that for the past 6 months or year. Reality is, I have no possible way to start a serius relationship with anyone, becuase all I can think, **** sex must be borring one on one, also my social life is destroyed, And to make it worst, wichever drug I take, no matter how much time passes between my last sesion, will always end up on 36 hours of me having or trying to have sex locked up in a room with coke and whores around, its the only thing I can think of whenever I use any kind of drug... (drugs I have use, or regulary use, mdma, coke, some research chemicals stims)
So as you can see, my life is getting destroyed, my social life specially, and also, my economical life. Although I do make good money, If I keep going through this path, it will always be the same, as more money I make, more money will I spend, eventually it will get worse I guess, just as It did, I all started with a little pill, now im buying research chemicals onlin and getting drugs delived to my door (wich is actually legal)...
Bottom line, I am and addict, I just dont know addicted to what, but I wanna get a normal lilfe, I do not wanna spend anymore 3 weeks of the months thinking on my next fix, eventhough, and I meant it, my body doesnt crave for drugs, but my mind, kind of...
Sorry for the long post...
PS: My mother was an alcoholic for 15 years, she has been sober for 2 now for what is worth.
Thanks for your attention...
Will give a brief resume of my life, may be will help...
It all started back when I was 19, always like to drink a lot, at the same time, always been very much into sports... well, till I turned 24, I remember I used to drink from monday to friday, every day, I woudl go to college, get out, and go do something "fun"... till 3 or 4 in the morning, then would wake up at 6 and go to work, would sleep a couple of hours in the afternon just to do it all over again... That lasted till I turned 25th of something, started to go to they gym and caring about my looks (was full of liquids, never fat, but looked like a balloon full of beer) anywyas, that was a normal behaviur among my friends...
After I turned 25, going to clubs and stuff kind of got borring, also quited drink in week days, only when I went out on weekends. Then I have my first "love" experience, it was a little pill called extasis. And there was when all started. I loved it so much becaue it made me feel super man, looked a the mirrors and thought "damn bratt pit aint got **** on me". Up to that point, I didnt do drugs, although my best friends were pot heads, I just didint do it because I didnt like the efects, and coke was out of the question, hated that drug, saw so many friends get their lives ****** over that drug that I told to my self, never ******* ever will try that stuff.
Well, extaiss came in as a ittle pill, and looked pretty harmless, in fact I read a whole bunch of stuff about mdma (extasis) and it was like, ****, this is healthier than driking! it has no physical adiction propierties! I can even drive no problems (I used to drive so drunk that I almost killed my sefl a couple of times) this stuff is the ****! I can hit on girls, and for some reason, I do not get rejected (never really had problems with chicks though), it makes me love ppl, not try to fight them, and damn sex is better than anything, also it self regulates it self, I mean, I cannot get addicted to this stuff because it depleates my serotonies levels, wich will automatically made me cut off till its all back to the normal leves (wich are about 21 days), and there is more dead ppl in a year from lighting striking over their heads than for extasis.
Well I thought I discovered heaven (wich in fact, is what you feel like when you are high, at the beggining). The first year I took it like 3 to 4 times in a spam of 12 months, where I live is not really easy to get them, extremely hard was a that time. Then things turned around and pills were showing up in the country, I was, about fiucking time, and started to use it regulary, much more regulary than what I should have, everyweekend or every other weekend for about 1 whole year, I was having a blast, every single party was so fun, never wanted to end...at some point, things started to change, I was not looking forward to going rave, but I was looking forward to the after party, wich normally consisted with me and a female friend going to a motel and having wild sex for hours... Well, everything looked good, this went on for about a year, I have not been in a serius relationship for about 4 to 5 years about that time, neither I wanted to... Well, this went of for about a year, go pick up the girl, hit the motel, grab som pills and party on... That probably doesnt look that bad right? well, thing is, it started to affect my confidense, I no longer had desire to have sex without drugs, and to make it worst my sex life started to get wilder and wilder, we started to bring other girls, well, agian whats the problem with that right? you'll see...
After a dont know, 6 months, the effects of mdma werent the same, depression came along, I was a messed on week days, and on weekends, eventhough I could take a rest of 2 weekes, it was just not the same... I dont how, one day, I ended up taking coke, and that is when everything went down the drain... Eventhough I fight against it, and I dont have a daily coke habit, it just became part of my sexual life too... Sex parties were wilder and wilder, I started spending all my money on drugs, and whores, the fun was about going online and searching for prostitues, I had already swithced of female friend, now I had several different ones, but my fun it was calling for whores, I spent every single dolar I had on them...
Well, eventually I realized that I had a problem, started doing other sports, combat sports to be exactly, that helped me a lot, for a while... I did some yoga too, also helped me a lot, for a while... Thing is, my mind plays tricks on me, I analyze how my life is going and say, "dude, you can go 3 to 4 weeks with no drugs, you run normally (5k) you are in pretty good shape (brazilian jiu jitsu is very very demaning) you are not craving for drugs (I do not crave for drugs, I crave for partying) so you must not be an adicted? its just your lack of serotonine and dopamine what is making you feel that way... chill out, you are fine....
I've been telling me that for the past 6 months or year. Reality is, I have no possible way to start a serius relationship with anyone, becuase all I can think, **** sex must be borring one on one, also my social life is destroyed, And to make it worst, wichever drug I take, no matter how much time passes between my last sesion, will always end up on 36 hours of me having or trying to have sex locked up in a room with coke and whores around, its the only thing I can think of whenever I use any kind of drug... (drugs I have use, or regulary use, mdma, coke, some research chemicals stims)
So as you can see, my life is getting destroyed, my social life specially, and also, my economical life. Although I do make good money, If I keep going through this path, it will always be the same, as more money I make, more money will I spend, eventually it will get worse I guess, just as It did, I all started with a little pill, now im buying research chemicals onlin and getting drugs delived to my door (wich is actually legal)...
Bottom line, I am and addict, I just dont know addicted to what, but I wanna get a normal lilfe, I do not wanna spend anymore 3 weeks of the months thinking on my next fix, eventhough, and I meant it, my body doesnt crave for drugs, but my mind, kind of...
Sorry for the long post...
PS: My mother was an alcoholic for 15 years, she has been sober for 2 now for what is worth.
Thanks for your attention...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: midwest
Posts: 12
No need to apologize for the "long story" as you said. It was interesting getting to know you. As I'm only 8 days into sobriety from alcohol, don't really know what kind of advice to give. Just wanted to say that coming to this site has helped me in more ways I could ever say or ever expected so you're on the right track so far. I wish you well as you try ... and please keep trying. There are many people who need you well and sober (even if these people aren't known to you yet). you can do it and I'm praying for you!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((marcelo))) - Welcome to SR! My DOC (drug of choice) was crack, but I found out I got as addicted to the lifestyle that went with using it, as I ever was to the drug. My life seemed boring as hell when I first got into recovery. I've also always been the "adrenaline junky" - used to be a nurse in the high-stress areas (lost that career to addiction) because I LOVED it!
I've been in recovery for almost 5 years, and I never thought I'd be comfortable with being calm. I am though, and am actually pretty protective of that feeling. It didn't happen quickly, and I spent time feeling totally frustrated and irritable, but it passed.
Trust me, you keep going this path and it will get worse. I'm still dealing with financial/career/legal consequences and I can tell you - it wasn't worth it.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I've been in recovery for almost 5 years, and I never thought I'd be comfortable with being calm. I am though, and am actually pretty protective of that feeling. It didn't happen quickly, and I spent time feeling totally frustrated and irritable, but it passed.
Trust me, you keep going this path and it will get worse. I'm still dealing with financial/career/legal consequences and I can tell you - it wasn't worth it.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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