flamingredhair

I hope so. Spent the last two days battling anxiety and yet managed to fight off a full blown panic attack. Lied in my Continuing Care group today and stuck with my previous sobriety date. Not proud of that.

I KNOW that I am POWERLESS against alcohol. It is what it is and that's POISON to me.

Wrecked that I have to start again at day 1. Disappointed in myself. I don't want to do this again. I HATE that alcoholic voice.

Off to join the January class.

Hevyn

Ok, be disappointed, but don't be wrecked. You're not off on a binge - you're trying again. I had a few false starts before I saw clearly what had to be done. You will get there, frh - I just know it.

flamingredhair

It's almost like I justify relapses just because they can happen. How twisted is that?

Hevyn

Not twisted. Sometimes, though, I wish that 'relapse is part of recovery' phrase wasn't mentioned so much. I remember feeling like I almost had permission to have one, since it was considered 'normal'.

flamingredhair

Exactly! I need to change that way of thinking.

Anna

I cringe when I read 'relapse is part of recovery', too.

Flaming, I'm sorry you relapsed but it's so good that you're back and working at recovery. I think you need to look at the relapse and learn something about what happened, and then you can move on, knowing you won't let that happen again.

flamingredhair

It happened because I did nothing to stop it. I'm going to re-read the book Living Sober and use the tools next time I think about drinking.

Terminally Unique

Contrary to what may be taught in treatment, "relapses" don't just happen. You can indeed quit for good and all.

Dee74

When I looked back at my drinking history that was the common element for me.

I drank to the point I was scared I wouldn't have another chance in me, so I worked really hard on my recovery - always reaching for support always doing whatever I could not to drink.

and...I recommend you be honest with your group too - secrets and lies can be really burdensome to carry. Sometimes the weight and the guilt can even lead to us drinking again.

I spent 20 years like that - lying, hiding, being secretive, feeling guilty, doing things I wasn't proud of - enough is enough

D

flamingredhair

I'll come clean with the group when we meet next week. It won't be easy. They are all doing so well that it makes me feel like a bit of a failure.

Threshold

FRH, clearly you are making headway because even with a relapse, here you are, determined, getting right back at it. Not using it as an excuse to give up, go on a lengthy bender etc.

I truly believe what is happening right here in this thread is the essence of this community in action, honesty, support, determination, etc.

Success stories aren't always linear, sometimes there are side steps, detours, bumps and potholes, but moving forward IS the key. And if people don't share their bumps and bruises, other newcomers might think that such things are signs of failure, and reasons to not come back. But when we share our whole stories, our whole healing, it helps us, and those lurking and learning.

Relapse may be part of active addiction, but saying "whoa!" and getting right back to sobriety is definitely recovery.

flamingredhair

Thanks, Threshold. I needed to hear that!

Dee74

yeah, I wish it wasn't human nature to look at things competitively or comparatively sometimes

Your journey is your own. Noone else will ever be able to walk your journey for you or you theirs.

My Journey is mine too.

You better believe I stumbled, I fell, I walked away from even trying - for years at a stretch....but all that, everything I went through, it all eventually bought me to where I am today - and that's no bad thing

Like Threshhold said, I like whole stories, because they're honest, they're real and they're the truth...

and they just might help someone else work out their own journey too

D

sugarbear1

Glad you will be honest with yourself & the group. It's hard to bs a group of bs'ers....they can see through ya. Get a phone number & pick up the phone before ya drink. Gotta put in the work!

You can stay stopped!

Sapling

I hope it's your last relapse...You can make that happen. It took guts to get on here and be honest about it. Honesty is KEY in recovery...Set things straight with your group next week...Like Dee said...You can't be carrying that load around..It will make you drink. You stumbled...Got up...Get going...You know what you have to do. You know what you can't do. Be good to yourself!

DayTrader

I haven't read that book cover to cover but I have skimmed through it a handful of times. Just my opinion, it's a great book if you have a drinking problem but aren't a real alcoholic. If you can "just say no" and incorporate some of the tips and tricks in that book....you're good to go. If you're not able to "just not drink" then you'll probably find that book interesting, but lacking.

I don't get how it made the "AA Approved Literature" list as a good amount of what I read is a complete 180 from what the AA program teaches.

Nirvana1

Maybe it's time to try something different?

The last I remember you were having a big debate on why you didn't like the big book, God, etc, and maybe this will help you realize that you should look into that with more of an open mind. It seems like you have tried everything else than what has worked for many people. Or you can dismiss all that again and keep doing it your own way...

flamingredhair

The counselor actually gave us all a copy too.

WakeUp

flamingredhair,
Honey, listen. I have to agree with Day Trader here, the book Living Sober is NOT a book for newcomers. It's just not. Read the Big Book and get a sponsor who can take you through the work. That will remove the compulsion to drink.

flamingredhair

I have been going to meetings and plan to branch out from my agnostics group and try a women's group because the agnostics group is really small and I'm often the only female so the chance of finding a sponsor there is next to nil.