yet again...
 

Well, I didn't even make it 24 hours. I really wish I could understand what's wrong with me. I drank. (Not minimalizing) not so much that i'm blasted but enough. Even one drink is enough to **** me off. I really deserve more. I feel like i'm punishing myself but I don't know why. In group settings i'm a font of helpful advice and insightful information but I never focus it inwards. I think I hold some amount of disdain for myself. It may be due to the stress of coming back to Wisconsin (my eye tick came back even before drinking). I go to my therapist tomorrow and plan on speaking with her about all this crud. I'm sorry. I feel like i've failed the community and everyone i've tried to help. Posting here right now is hard. I feel like such a failure. Am I only ok when i'm in a controlled environment? I hate having my freedom taken from me but I think I want my husband to take my money and my debit card away again. I don't want him to be my keeper but i'm afraid I need his help. I'm so scared. He loves me but how much more can he take? I feel like such a loser...

DisplacedGrits,

You are not a loser! Please don't think that way. Alcoholism is a tricky thing. You just don't know HOW to quit. Rational Recovery and AVRT really helped me. AA is a good program and it helped me straighten out other areas of my life. Check out the Addictive Vioce Recognition thread in Secular Connections. Lots of good stuff there.

Don't give up. You can get sober, stay sober and be content.

Love from Lenina

You aren't a loser or a failure. It has taken many tries for most of us here. Keep trying! You can do this!

Thanks y'all. I'm trying to feel worthy of sobriety but this self deprecating mindset is so ingrained. More to chat about with my therapist tomorrow. Many thanks to my SR friends. I would have drunk myself into oblivion in the past. Tomorrow, I'll do my all to wake up somewhat refreshed and resolved to share so I can heal. It sure beats the alternative.

Hey DG. Sorry you're having a hard time right now. I hope you are getting ready for bed instead of staying up and drinking. I felt a lot of self-hatred when I was still drinking. I grew up thinking there was something wrong with me, and the things I did when I was drunk just proved how awful I was (or so I thought). I actually never made a decision to stop drinking - I made a decision to stop punishing myself and once I did drinking alcohol was out of the question.

You arent a loser Displaced, focus on the here and now :) is there an activity you enjoy that makes you feel in control?? something you can do instead next time you think about having a drink?

I agree DG - you're not a loser. You're just right where all of us have been at some time.

I wanted to quit for 15 years - but I still drank.

Part of that was stubborness - I didn't want to change my life, I just wanted to control my drinking...part of it was fear (who would I be sober/what would my life be like?) and part of it was I had no coping skills for anything, besides reaching for a bottle.

When trouble came - and it always did - I responded in my usual way.

I don't know the ins and outs of what you've been doing to stay sober, but if we drink again, I think it's a clear sign that we need to add more 'stuff' to our recovery programme.

what else can you do DG?

D

I really wish I could understand what's wrong with me. I drank.

Maybe you are an alcoholic?

Please don't call yourself a loser. We've all been there. This is my third attempt at sobriety, and like you, I would beat myself up after every relapse. Just remember that alcohol is a demon that wants to hold onto you at all costs. The really nasty thing is that the more you beat yourself up, the worse you feel about yourself, and because you feel so bad you want to drink all that much more. Don't listen to that ugly voice - that's the alcohol talking, not you. You are a human being and you have so much worth. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and tell yourself this is a new day and a new start. You will get there, and we will help you all we can. :)

I can't even guess how many times I "quit" before I was actually DONE. Keep trying, keep looking at the reasons you drank, keep learning and most of all don't give up. It's not easy but nothing worth doing ever is.

I can't tell you how many times the meanie in my head called me a loser, weak, stupid, apathetic, and on and on....... All because of alcohol. I still fight! I've fought all my life to save me from me! Why do some of us have a distructive personality? I would think self preservation even when it comes to being healthy would over-ride getting drunk but it doesn't! I always wonder if I'm missing a gene or something!

Don't feel so bad there are so many of us out there like you. We can't all be losers! LOL Just keep coming back and keep trying. I have to say that to myself so many times during the day.