soberred

I had a very dear friend for 7 years. I loved her with all my soul. I started dated my current bf. She hated him. Needless to say, I lost her. The drinking started not too long after that. At first it was for fun. Then I got to the point were I was numbing myself to avoid the pain. Always term-oil with him. Always fights. I sent a message to this dear friend a couple of months ago. She said some very mean, cruel things. For the longest time, I felt like she deserted me because of my boyfriend. I found out in the series of these messages back and forth that I really hurt her. She had tried to help me several times. Apparently one day we were suppose to meet at her work. She said she waited for 4 hours and I never showed. Guess what? I don't ever remember the conversation at all. My heart hurts at the pain I caused. I lost a dear friend. She doesn't know my struggles with alcohol. She doesn't know what I have been through these last 4 years. I told her I was very sorry causing her pain but that is not enough. Should I tell her what I have been going through so maybe she understands? I am afraid it would sound like a bunch of excuses for the way I treated her. I just want her to know that it wasn't her fault for my horrible behavior. Any thoughts?

whitehorses

Tell her, she needs to know why you dont remember things, but if she was so close, and dear to you, she would know anyway would'nt she?, maybe she is angry because you wont open up to her,? it' s a New Year time for openness, and honesty, dont let this carry on, good luck.

soberred

I haven't seen her in 5 years. But from her messages, she still cares very deeply. I am unsure if she knows.

ovrock

This is what I've been doing for the past couple weeks. Telling my loved ones about my issues. I must say, It feels gooooooood!!! The most you could do is your part. It's up to her to believe you, sympathize, reject you etc etc. You know where your heart is, you know what you've been going through. I think right now, you are the most important person in your life...

Go for it!!!

Mark75

An open discussion, if done with love and tolerance, will probably help her as much, or more, as it will you.

Be honest. Accept any reaction or comments she makes. She does not need all the gory details of your active alcoholism. The only detail she needs is that you are working on a new way of living.

DayTrader

As I'm sure you know, one of the big steps in AA's program is making of amends....to fix the damage we've done......to make things right.

Generally speaking, saying I'm sorry (one more time) doesn't really balance the scales out. It usually requires more on our part. That said, if you're not using AA, haven't worked the previous 8 steps and don't have a sponsor to help advise you.....making amends can be tricky.

For me, I've found that EVERY thing I'm aware of that damaged someONE or someTHING (ie, money owed to credit card company), before long, started to weigh on me. Like everyone, alkies have consciences and we're generally pretty sensitive people. Over time, the guilt of what I'd done got bigger and bigger......and if you're an alkie of my type, that type of stuff will get you drinking again sooner or later.

Anna

I think making amends is a healing part of recovery. But, always keep in mind that you are not making amends so that YOU feel less guilty. You are making amends in order to let the other person know you are aware you hurt him/her. Do not have any expectations for the outcome because the outcome is not about you, it's about the other person.

I have found that journalling is very helpful when you're trying to deal with issues of guilt and shame. It helps to write things out and to begin to forgive yourself.

soberred

I am not caring about myself. I just want her to know it wasn't her fault. But how much is it going to make a difference? I really hurt her. I didn't realize until today either.

desertsong

I agree with the others. Part of AA is making amends with the people you have hurt. I used to think I would be utterly humiliated having to admit to people - ANY people, but especially the ones closest to me - that I am an alcoholic. Some of the people I told had already figured that out because they had seen my drunken antics, but others were very surprised. And yet at the same time, they were like, "Ooooooh, NOW I get it!" It explained a lot about me that they couldn't understand before. Honesty is tough but it is also very freeing. And being able to make amends to someone you have hurt is very healing for both you and for them. If you truly value this friendship (and it sounds like both of you do), then be honest with her and ask for her forgiveness for everything you have done to hurt her. Tell her you never meant to hurt her but that the alcohol made you into someone you never wanted to be. She may forgive you and she may not, but at least getting things out into the open will allow both of you to move on, whether you do it together or not.

Fubarcdn

I agree that you should try to tell her and explain the best you can the reasons for your behavior. If she is as good a person as you think she is she will absorb it with understanding and compassion and maybe a little bit of empathy and pity.
Good friends are hard to find so I wish you all the best of luck with this.
Think hard about this and follow your heart.

Dee74

I'm not sure it's about making a difference soberred - that might be nice...but to me amends are about, like Anna said, letting the other person know you know you hurt him/her and you regret that.

It's about putting it out there, allowing some healing, and moving on, forgiving yourself.

Maybe your relationship will begin anew, maybe not.

That's your friends decision and we don't get to make that decision for others.

D