Cheated!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 26
Cheated!!!
It seems I was never sober at all. I thought a streak of 4 years without drinking was enough, but it never occurred to me that even though weed was not my problem drug, I could smoke it through my dry spell to alleviate anxiety and depression. I've now learned through reading through these forums, that you are not considered sober if that's the case.
Don't get me wrong, I want nothing more than to say "I'm clean and sober", but my anxiety and depression are really scary things to confront head on, with no insurance and no money for doctors. I'm afraid in no time, I'll be cutting myself again, and scariest, be on a ledge, ready to jump.
I was really trying to maintain some kind of moderation for my drinking, and I believe I was succeeding. The only reason I am looking to stop again is my boss caught wind of my recent "relapse" and I am frightened of losing my job.
I feel like I have the scarlet letter tattooed on my forehead. I have coworkers who make my drinking look like a Sunday afternoon picnic, but I'm the target.
So, since I cheated on my sobriety, and cheated myself out of a decent relapse, I'm trying again. I know it's my addictive voice screaming at me, but shutting it up this time will be impossible. I'm sure I'll be back, just not too sure when. Sorry all.
Don't get me wrong, I want nothing more than to say "I'm clean and sober", but my anxiety and depression are really scary things to confront head on, with no insurance and no money for doctors. I'm afraid in no time, I'll be cutting myself again, and scariest, be on a ledge, ready to jump.
I was really trying to maintain some kind of moderation for my drinking, and I believe I was succeeding. The only reason I am looking to stop again is my boss caught wind of my recent "relapse" and I am frightened of losing my job.
I feel like I have the scarlet letter tattooed on my forehead. I have coworkers who make my drinking look like a Sunday afternoon picnic, but I'm the target.
So, since I cheated on my sobriety, and cheated myself out of a decent relapse, I'm trying again. I know it's my addictive voice screaming at me, but shutting it up this time will be impossible. I'm sure I'll be back, just not too sure when. Sorry all.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
I hope no one here has made you feel like your clean time from alcohol has been a waste.
That would be a shame, and entirely wrong.
"Clean" is a relative term at best. There are a lot of "clean" people here who take medications for depression, anxiety, blood pressure, diabetes, bipolar disorder, fibromyalgia, and on and on. Some of these people are taking pain medications. Since alcohol has not been considered a "medication" for a long time (except in some small amount as a medication base), that would not be on the list. Many consider weed a illicit drug, and indeed it is in most jurisdictions. Others may consider it a plant or herb, and yes it is that, too.
I don't speak for everyone here, and I would prefer that one drug was not swapped out for the other, but your clean time off alcohol is signficant and substantial.
Don't let got of that just because of some prejudice here or elsewhere.
Where are you getting your information, and who is passing judgment on you?
FT
That would be a shame, and entirely wrong.
"Clean" is a relative term at best. There are a lot of "clean" people here who take medications for depression, anxiety, blood pressure, diabetes, bipolar disorder, fibromyalgia, and on and on. Some of these people are taking pain medications. Since alcohol has not been considered a "medication" for a long time (except in some small amount as a medication base), that would not be on the list. Many consider weed a illicit drug, and indeed it is in most jurisdictions. Others may consider it a plant or herb, and yes it is that, too.
I don't speak for everyone here, and I would prefer that one drug was not swapped out for the other, but your clean time off alcohol is signficant and substantial.
Don't let got of that just because of some prejudice here or elsewhere.
Where are you getting your information, and who is passing judgment on you?
FT
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
I found, luckily very early one, that it was important to my sobriety and my happiness to let go of all my crutches. I knew that, for me, my sobriety had to be one that didn't involve mood or mind altering chemicals. Let go and let God, right? Well....it was one thing to say it but it was scary as hell to do it.
For me, it meant no more antidepressants to plug the holes in my mind's dyke, no more coke, no more ecstasy, (pot never interested me), no more drugs/chemicals to make me happy, forget my troubles, etc.
What you do is really up to you.......but be true to yourself. That's what really matters. Some will say you've never gotten sober. Some will say you're doing GREAT, KEEP IT UP. Others will say .........whatever. Ya know? The thing is YOU know......deep down....what's right and wrong for you. Be true to that and you can't go wrong.
For me, it meant no more antidepressants to plug the holes in my mind's dyke, no more coke, no more ecstasy, (pot never interested me), no more drugs/chemicals to make me happy, forget my troubles, etc.
What you do is really up to you.......but be true to yourself. That's what really matters. Some will say you've never gotten sober. Some will say you're doing GREAT, KEEP IT UP. Others will say .........whatever. Ya know? The thing is YOU know......deep down....what's right and wrong for you. Be true to that and you can't go wrong.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
I think he is talking about the past whole four years, not just this moment in time. In other words, someone seems to have suggested to him that his four years of alcohol abstinence doesn't count if he was using weed.
I disagree.
FT
I disagree.
FT
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 19
I disagree too, alcohol free is alcohol free. I don't smoke pot anymore, not for about 25 years, but as a kid and young adult I did. I don't condone it's use, but I'd have to say it is far different from alcohol use, health wise and psychologically. I think that if you have an alcohol issue and you quit using alcohol that you are still alcohol free. Just my 2 cents. I hope that Slackie realizes that and doesn't give up.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 26
I ran into an older thread that suggested if you are using any mind altering substance, you are not sober. It was something I was afraid to tell anyone who's in recovery, because I was afraid I would get the answer I found in the thread. It doesn't matter anyhow, because that sober time is gone, and I have to start over. Next time, I'll try and make it right. No crutches!
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
That would have been my truth too Slackie....
And there's no absolute here....there's no definitively right or wrong here. Iv'e maybe smoked a half dozen joints in my life. I've done coke a dozen or so times, and I've done other drugs......but I'm not a real addict. I can, with a little work on my part, control myself around drugs. I am, however, a real alcoholic. No power, no control over booze.... full blown alkie. If I smoked a joint tonight, I'd change my date too.
and so you know...... it's just a date. Ppl will take you for what you say and what you do. The time since our last drink/drug doesn't reeeeeally mean all that much. I know ppl with 20+ years of clean time who's lives are a MESS. Sure, they're not using but that's about all they're doing. And I know ppl with a month who are soooooo on fire with recovery that it's fun just to be around them.
And there's no absolute here....there's no definitively right or wrong here. Iv'e maybe smoked a half dozen joints in my life. I've done coke a dozen or so times, and I've done other drugs......but I'm not a real addict. I can, with a little work on my part, control myself around drugs. I am, however, a real alcoholic. No power, no control over booze.... full blown alkie. If I smoked a joint tonight, I'd change my date too.
and so you know...... it's just a date. Ppl will take you for what you say and what you do. The time since our last drink/drug doesn't reeeeeally mean all that much. I know ppl with 20+ years of clean time who's lives are a MESS. Sure, they're not using but that's about all they're doing. And I know ppl with a month who are soooooo on fire with recovery that it's fun just to be around them.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 26
Thank you everybody for your posts. I think most alcoholics on this forum know that once you have a relapse on the brain, it's tough to shake. I've given into my demons for this one last time. Tomorrow, I start anew. No more booze, no more weed. Just me and my recovery. I need to start fresh. Thanks again everyone. I start tomorrow on the road to hopefully 4 more years and beyond.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
For me, sober means completely sober. If I were to take any mind-altering substance it would be as a replacement for alcohol. Alcohol was my escape, my way of coping/dealing with things, and it kept me unhappy. In the past I did coke quite often, smoked weed very occasionally, and did ectasy on "special occasions," "once in a great while." I know that if I were to do any of those things, it would be to provide me with the escape that alcohol gave me, and I would be at risk for a new addiction. My therapist told me that people often substitute one drug for another, which is the worst kind of addiction. I am trying to check all areas of my life because often people can switch to addictions involving food, shopping, gambling... anything to take them outside of themselves. While to me these aren't as "bad" as purposefully altering my mind with chemicals, I want to live a life that's healthy and happy, and free from addiction of any kind.
I will say that nothing seems as hard to give up as alcohol. My boyfriend was addicted to painkillers after a bad accident, and he kicked that as on his own (both happened before I met him). He then developed, or perhaps had already had, an addiction to pot. I say "addiction" not because I think pot is some evil dangerous drug (in many ways I think it is less dangerous than alcohol), but because he needed it to cope... he was dependent on it, and he was so used to using it that it was his way of life. Now he does have anxiety/depression/mental health issues and at one time had a medical marijuana perscription for pain after his accident, and I understand that pot has medicinal affects and am not qualified to speak as to when it is prescribed by a doctor for pain or anxiety (just as I don't feel qualified to speak as to the same with anti-depressants... which to me have their own set of dangers but I am no doctor), but, it was clear to me, and him admittedly, that he was self-medicating with pot, until he became dependent on it, just as alcoholics do with alcohol. Then he got a DWI and stopped smoking pot because of court restrictions/his fear of it showing up on a drug test at some point in the future. It seems he has replaced the pot with alcohol, and drinks in much more frequency and intensity than he did when he was smoking pot. So to me it seems like a cycle of replacing one addiction with another and I wish that he could live completely sober and with clarity and facing his issues without the use of external substances (but I know this is his decision to make).
Anyway I am running on a lot but the long and short of it is that in my opinion being alcohol-free is a huge accomplishment that you should be proud of, while on the other hand it is good to look at what other things you partake in and whether you are dependent/addicted to those. I know that I often get strong cravings to use coke, and I know it is my mind's way of saying, okay fine, if you won't let me use alcohol, how about a bit of coke instead, since that's not off-limits? But for me anything that hinders my recovery, which involves looking at myself and working on myself with clarity and effort, instead of escaping into alcohol or any other chemical that takes me outside of myself. I am not trying to be preachy, just explaining my thoughts and approach. Good luck to you, and congrats on four years of sobriety from alcohol, that's amazing. :-)
I will say that nothing seems as hard to give up as alcohol. My boyfriend was addicted to painkillers after a bad accident, and he kicked that as on his own (both happened before I met him). He then developed, or perhaps had already had, an addiction to pot. I say "addiction" not because I think pot is some evil dangerous drug (in many ways I think it is less dangerous than alcohol), but because he needed it to cope... he was dependent on it, and he was so used to using it that it was his way of life. Now he does have anxiety/depression/mental health issues and at one time had a medical marijuana perscription for pain after his accident, and I understand that pot has medicinal affects and am not qualified to speak as to when it is prescribed by a doctor for pain or anxiety (just as I don't feel qualified to speak as to the same with anti-depressants... which to me have their own set of dangers but I am no doctor), but, it was clear to me, and him admittedly, that he was self-medicating with pot, until he became dependent on it, just as alcoholics do with alcohol. Then he got a DWI and stopped smoking pot because of court restrictions/his fear of it showing up on a drug test at some point in the future. It seems he has replaced the pot with alcohol, and drinks in much more frequency and intensity than he did when he was smoking pot. So to me it seems like a cycle of replacing one addiction with another and I wish that he could live completely sober and with clarity and facing his issues without the use of external substances (but I know this is his decision to make).
Anyway I am running on a lot but the long and short of it is that in my opinion being alcohol-free is a huge accomplishment that you should be proud of, while on the other hand it is good to look at what other things you partake in and whether you are dependent/addicted to those. I know that I often get strong cravings to use coke, and I know it is my mind's way of saying, okay fine, if you won't let me use alcohol, how about a bit of coke instead, since that's not off-limits? But for me anything that hinders my recovery, which involves looking at myself and working on myself with clarity and effort, instead of escaping into alcohol or any other chemical that takes me outside of myself. I am not trying to be preachy, just explaining my thoughts and approach. Good luck to you, and congrats on four years of sobriety from alcohol, that's amazing. :-)
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
I gave up smoking pot when I quit drinking....For the simple reason I was afraid it would lead me back to drinking...Did some dumb **** smoking that stuff. Tell you the truth....I don't miss either one of them. Hey...You went four years without drinking...Date or no date...That is major...Can't take that away. If it bothers you fix it...If it doesn't...Carry on.
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