Mammyof3boys

Thanksgiving I was pretty sober in my house, I actually developed a headache early in the day and drank very little. I remember all of it! I promised myself that I wouldn't ruin Christmas and the jolly month of December with alcohol, but some days I did. I got drunk on Christmas Eve and my sister and father both got really drunk, had a huge fight on my front lawn at 12 midnight. I was outside trying to prevent my sister from driving home drunk until 1 in the morning. This of course ruined the night, I barely remember my boys opening their presents early the next morning. And my new baby had his first Christmas while I nursed a headache back in bed at 9am. I wish I could have a do-over for Christmas 2011, it was not what I had planned. The guilt is really hurting me today. Makes me feel like drinking to forget about it and make me feel better.

doggonecarl

That you could describe the chaos caused by your alcohol use on Christmas and even think about drinking proves the insanity of alcoholism.

Since you can't change the past, the best way to move past the guilt is to stay sober and let your actions in recovery speak for themselves.

Mammyof3boys

I will "doggonecarl." The old me would justify the drinking. I won't. You are right, it is insanity.

sadsoul2011

(((Mammyof3boys))) Happy, Sober Tuesday So glad you're back posting with us!

Don't let your addictive voice get the better of you. You're doing so well staying sober - because you're sober, your AV is scared and is deserately trying to get you to drink.

*Do* *Not* *Listen* *to* *It*!!!!

You know that you don't want to drink anymore - I can "hear" it in your posts. You obviously have had a great deal of pain from drinking. I'm a mom, too - I understand not wanting to be drunk in front of your kids......

You can't change the past so you have to stop languishing in guilt. Rerunning the past in your mind can be a useful tool but too much does nothing to move you forward. The only thing we have complete control over is our mind. So exercise your control and change your train of thought.

Envision who you want to be as a sober person....how do you see yourself in a few months? Actually picture yourself in the happy, sober situations you want to have (a magical 2012 Christmas Eve, fun birthday parties, relaxing in the yard, playing games with your kids......). Imagine the look of love and happiness on your children's faces when you are living in the moment with them.... being someone they can count on - a good example for them....

You can quit drinking!! Once you quit drinking you only have to go through this early, hard stage once. Stay sober and in a short while you'll start feeling really good. I know it happens - I'm almost 90 days sober after almost 25 years of steadily heavier drinking. My life is so much more calm and serene. I'm finally a good example for my kids! I'm so much more able to deal with the good (and bad/insane haha ) days. Aaahhhh - what a happy, peaceful feeling!!!

What can you do today to change how you're feeling? Is there an activity or two that you can do to distract yourself? Read a book while the baby is sleeping, visit the library, go for a walk, watch a movie, paint your toenails, make something special for dinner, read and post some more on SR, bake cookies??? Let your imagination run wild.

Keep us posted !!

ShaeMint

You can't change the past so do something great with your future. Play on the lawn with your kids instead of drinking, rock your newest little bundle of joy instead of drinking, hug and kiss your girlfriend/wife instead of drinking. There's a whole world out there with so many possibilities to make each day better than the last.

ForReal

It's crazy to me still how powerful and non-logical that addictive voice is in our heads. You ruined Christmas by drinking, yet want to drink more and justify it by feeling bad about Christmas? It's insanity, but I totally get it.

I would use your kids for motivation. I'm also a Mom and remember Christmas Eve's where I was wasted putting together my son's gifts and hungover the next morning. What a crappy parent! I don't want that for him!! I much enjoyed this past Christmas, baking cookies for Santa, watching a movie with him and waking up feeling great the next morning.

You can do this, and it just gets easier the more sober time you have under your belt. What has helped me the most is understanding that desire to drink, that voice in my head is my addictive voice, and it's INSANE. Nothing good ever comes from my drinking, and plenty of bad. So when I start thinking maybe it would be ok just this time... I remind myself of some of the real doozies or embarassing times I've had because of drinking. I also think about my children, and the Mom they deserve.

Hang in there.

MentalLoop

Let me preface my comment with the disclosure that i am not schooled in alcoholism faux-pas, so hopefully i won't be killed for what i am about to say. The greatest gift that god gives us is the redo button on high holidays and rituals. You have the rest of your life to keep redoing Christmas Sober! The great news is you remember how horrible you feel, and you know how horrible a drunk Christmas is. Now re-do Christmas this year, but change the facts. Eliminate the alcohol, don't fight on the lawn, and hug all three 3 kids for half the night!

God is forgiving, and gives us an entire year of chances to undo the wrongs of our prior year. Do him proud! Now in case god is not your fancy - then do your kids proud. Guess what your 1 year old is going to remember of this past christmas? Guess what he will remember of all the future ones. So you used your mulligan a little early....

DayTrader

Sorry to hear about your holidays. Been there done that myself, plenty of times.

I wasn't able to think myself sober. I wasn't able, all the time, to remember how bad "that last time" was, how much shame I felt, the damage I caused. I could keep it together for a while but, sooner or later, I'd end up losing it and would be right back where I started.....back doing all that crap I SWORE I'd never do again.

Alcoholism effects us differently (or, it could be argued, there are different stages or levels of alcoholism). Anyway, your experience will show you whether you have the ability to think yourself straight or not. If you can, that's awesome. Figure out what you need to do, get lots of advice and support and patch things up. If you're not able to pull that off.......or if it's taking longer than you're willing to wait (that was my case.....all that "time to slow down/moderate" crap was killing me.....), then you owe it to yourself to find out what really happens in AA and why it is that someone like me who's completely unable to keep myself sober and happy has managed to rack up just under 5 yrs since my last drink......and has enjoyed the vast majority of my life since.

**edit..... and just something to consider.....to think about... IF you had good plans for December, and IF you didn't plan on drinking and all the insanity that came after.......what makes you think that taking another shot at it would necessarily lead to a different outcome? That was a tough concept for me to wrap my head around - that until I changed, drastically, I would continue to do things I didn't want to do, hurt ppl I didn't want to hurt, and tear my life up over and over....even though I'd plan NOT to and even though I didn't want to. Why? -- because I'm an alcoholic, I suffer from alcoholism, and that's the way one's life rolls when you're suffering from untreated alcoholism and/or not recovered.

sissy1980m

Its ok to feel the way you do, its normal. I kno that feeling of hopelessness and guilt. Just get on track for Today, only stay sober for today! Then when you wake up it will be a new day, and you can make that decision again

david23

see where guilt takes you! already you want to use. guilt is useless for recovery. facing the consequences is useful. Christmas never has to be that way again. i saw my kids for 2 hours that morning, sober, then i went to an alcathon till midnight. that's where i needed to be. you drink, you lose. you lose, family loses. your chioce. its a cunning baffling insideous thing, this drinking business. be strong, continue to say "NO!" it will get better, easier. stay connected.

david23

remember all the Love you have in your life. It's still one day at a time!!! don't drink today. tell yourself "tomorrow", one day at a time, don't drink. today.

aasharon90

Action was something I needed to do when I
returned home from a 28 day rehab stay after
my family stepped in to get me help I so desperately
needed during that time of my life.

It was them doing for me what I surely couldnt
do for myself.

In rehab while allowing the fog to clear from my
brain, i was fed valuable information about my
alcoholism and was given the tools of steps and
principles to apply in my everyday life.

Just because I stopped drinking didnt mean I
was cured from alcoholism. In order to stay sober
a day at a time I needed to change things in my
life. The first change was not be in contact with
people, places or things dealing with alcohol.

While in rehab, my husband removed all the alcohol
in our house so when I returned i wouldnt be tempted
to drink or reach for it if the desire, urge, or cravings
for it would flare up. Since i was the only drinker in
the family, alcohol didnt need to be there period.

Action would be to continue with my recovery by attending
the 6 week aftercare program set up for me while in rehab
so I wouldnt have to be sent away to a halfway house out
of state away from my little family.

Action meant for me to go to any lengths to stay sober
even if it meant attending an AA meeting everyday if I
needed to. And believe me, i needed to because i couldnt
relate to my normal family what i was feeling in early
recovery.

They didnt understand why I said or did the things i did
while drinking or why i needed to drink. Why was drinking
that important to me. Unless my little family sought help
with Alanon or Alateen or some recovery program for
family members of an alcoholic, then we couldnt communicate
successfully.

And the sad thing was, we never did over the next yrs so come
which eventually ended in our 25 yr marriage.

I continued on with AA Action in my recovery growing and
changing leaving my little family scratching their head as
to what happened to our little family unit.

Today, im happily, soberly, honestly, joyfully, remarried
still on my recovery journey sharing my own ESH, experiences,
strengths and hopes of what it was like before during and
after my drinking. Helping others who are still struggling
with their addictions.

Im not sober today by a miracle even tho I have Faith that
the Man upstairs certainly was a Strong Force in my sobriety,
but because I put my recovery into action each day for the
past 21 yrs.

That I can honestly say that i am truely grateful for.

lookinforward

Mammy It is moments just like you described that keep me from drinking. I never understood the play it through thing when I first got to SR, but over time I did. Here is the readers digest version. When you get that urge to drink...think past the first few drinks...the feel good thoughts...think about the misery and pain it will cause in the long run.The arguments and bad situations that are easily avoided in sobriety. The horrible hangovers. The neglecting of family members, yourself included. Think about the moments that you described in your post and use them to empower your sobriety.
You can do this!
Dave

Mammyof3boys

I appreciate everyone's advice. And I plan for better tomorrows I am just filled with a lot of regret today and I'm angry with myself for letting it happen. Guilt is killing me, I'm on day 10 and I don't want to restart at day 1.

TheOjibway84

Thats too bad But the thing is. Do you really wan tto quit drinking? You said you moderated for a bit curing this time period. Are you justw anting to slow it down or quit for good? If you really want to quit for good drinking in moderation is not a solution. It's an illusion to your brain to make you believe that you are okay with drinking a small amount. But then you mentioned on Christmas Eve you got so drunk , thats because your mind overtook the sensation and went back to the way it was before because it was fooling itself in believing that you could have more, and you probably never took a second to re think about drinking it just came like drinking water.

In the summer of 2011 I was living on my own for the very first time and I abused that freedom by picking up again, believing I could drink in moderation. It worked. It wokred too good because then every other day I'd have 2 drinks and be fine until one day it overwhelmed me when a friend came over and I wanted to celebrate. It took so little time to buy bottles of vodka, beer, gin, whiskey and rum that I bought for a small party of 4! And there was only 2 of us for that amount. And of course I promised myself the next day while suffering a bad hangover that I'd never drink again. Of course I was back to it again and calling on my friend. I've been in a bad fight with that friend once. It was horrible, I was so intoxicated that I couldn't fight back or defend, he beat my face in and I was sent to the hospital and luckily not the drunk tank.... pretty sure if it was the other way around and I beat him to a pulp the drunk tank was probably where I could have gone to seeing I was on his property.

Point is.... I know your beating yourself down from Christmas Eve and Day but the thing is, you have to move on even though your family may remember that incident. If you really want to quit drinking you need to live for today and see that your sober today. Try doing that and if your thinking about another drink. Call someone, anyone. Friends, extended family, or if you have a therapist call them and get in a session. Or try AA. Even if you call the number there will be someone to pick up and help you through. I did that and I'm here now at this site and in AA. I almost gave up everything just to drink and I was very happy I never told my parents off to leave me alone because if I did... I wouldn't be here at a safe home, sober and grateful.

I am 4 months sober now and no urges to drink because I remind myself every night and day (not to the point of beating myself down) what happens when I pick up that first drink. And I focus on today only. It works, really does even if you have very little hope in staying sober. I did it, we did it. You can too if you work hard and really want it!

sadsoul2011

You don't have to start over at Day 1. You're already on Day 10 - it is your decision to make it to Day 11. You have a choice to make!

What do you gain if you drink today?

Follow through the first glass of wine.....where do you end up tonight or tomorrow morning? Did it solve anything? Or did it just compound the guilt you already have with feelings of even more guilt and failure? Re-read your earlier posts and remind yourself why you're here.

****** Drinking is hard. Getting sober is hard. Choose your hard! ******

Getting sober *is* hard - thankfully, it has rewards at the end. Drinking ... well, we all know how that turns out....life just gets harder and sadder and we continue to hurt the ones we love and ourselves.....

Choices, choices....... You can be sober if you choose to !

sadsoul2011

Oh - and here is a link that Dee often recommends on urge surfing. I've found it most helpful:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-surfing.html

Definitely worth reading!!!

Many hugs and good wishes - let us know how you are

wellwisher

I grew up in an alcoholic home with alcoholic parents. I am number five in the pecking order of seven children that grew up in that home.

I remember all too well the special occassions that were absolutely decimated by my parents drunken spats - sometimes exacebated by other drunken members of my extended family - all too well. I have too many memories of Christmas Past that included rumbles on the front lawn between my uncles with their wives screaming from the sidelines, and which ultimately led to years of stony silence between my uncles and parents and in which I never got to see my cousins.

I remember my tenth birthday vividly. My family was (and still is) big on birthdays. My father came home drunk and WWIII broke out between my parents. My older siblings did their usual jobs (inserting themselves in the middle) and I was out, in the dark, swinging on the backyard swing with tears streaming down my face. I was scared, angry and remember thinking that this argument would never have happened if it wasn't my birthday. (Mind you, the argument was over my father going to do laundry at the laundromat and pick up a cake at the bakery and taking a five hour stop at the local gin mill).

On that particular day, after my older brothers seperated my parents, we had my birthday cake. I still recall seven pairs of tear-stained cheeks and red eyes as everyone sang Happy Birthday to me. It was SICK and INSANE!

I never understood it until I became what I hated the most. I became an alcoholic. So did my younger brother. We both found recovery, but my younger brother developed cirrhosis of the liver at 18, drank until he was 27, got seven years of solid sobriety together, and then succumbed to liver cancer. He was 34.

I always justified my drinking by saying, "Well, at least I don't do xxxx" and then drew a line in the sand where I believed my drinking was not nearly as bad as my parents. I didn't have a problem, you see. It wasn't until I crossed that invisible line (which incidentally, kept moving further away as I kept approaching the line) that I found sobriety.

I guess the object lesson is that we, as alcoholics, don't operate in a vaccuum. We impact others in so many ways we may never know.

I'm not saying it is my parents fault that I am alcoholic. I can, however, see how my decision to recover was stalled by comparing their alcoholism to mine. I had a very strange perception of what "normal" was. It was this perception that stalled my recovery for years.

Be disturbed. Be very disturbed. Change it now. Take action now. Don't let that invisible line in the sand have a high bar that may impact your children in the future. Break the cycle. Do it for yourself. There is absolutely NOTHING that substance abuse makes better.

I didn't change because I saw the light; I changed because I felt the heat. It's what worked for me.

Get angry, get disturbed and get sober! You have many options for recovery in front of you to get you through the worst, and drinking more booze is not one of them. Use all the emotions you feel right now as a jumping board to sobriety, and eventually, the pain of them will diminish and be replaced by something bigger and much better.

Do this, and I promise you you will never experience another Christmas like that again.

SSIL75

Have you been sober since then? I see you had a week sober a few days ago and that is wonderful!

I also have 3 kids including a baby who celebrated her first Christmas! It was my second sober Christmas.

I know well the crushing guilt. I got sober when my oldest was 4. So that was 4 years of telling myself what a great mother I was in spite of my drinking. Of course, it was a lie. So untangling all that was so very painful. I have my own post about Christmas memories and I for many reasons didn't type out the most painful things. Holiday blackouts and hangovers. Short fuses with small, excited children. What a miserable bitch I was.

Every child deserves better than a hungover, disengaged parent on Christmas day. The sound of drunken fighting adults where imagined sounds of the reindeer crew should be.

You won't believe the difference in your life, sober. I thought I would be giving up so much by quitting alcohol. It seems so ridiculous now. The gains are truly immeasurable. I can't even say that I have my life 'back' because honestly I don't know that I ever had one as an adult.

Anyway please stick around. And I can say from my own experience anyway that the good memories and experiences really displace the bad. Not 100% obviously. But every day you celebrate recovery you should feel a little less raw.

So do something nice today with your boys. Take them for a walk.. go for icecream.... play a board game. Just do ONE nice, sober things and be proud of your journey.

david23

i used to have a shirt:" a friend with weed is a friend indeed."
not 14 anymore. switch those digits. friends are better than weed, thank you all for being here.