Living Situation...
 

I was wondering if anyone had to "remove" themselves from a place of living to get their sobriety?
I mean...I have read in many books that some people need to end relationships, their jobs, or where they live to be able to attain sobriety.

I guess what I am saying is that sometimes things happen where I live where all I want to do is grab my wallet and buy a glass of wine to forget the dramatics. My living situation is a bit unique...and I am obviously not thinking of myself too often -- always paranoid that I will upset someone or something...
I live with my boyfriend in his Mom's houses basement...things are getting a little out of hand lately with his family -- lots of arguments and such and I feel like I can't handle the stress of it...sometimes they will blame me for my boyfriend's decision or read into my comments too much...
Apparently we aren't able to move because if we do than she will have to move out of the house (she lives on our rent money).

I know I need to keep strong...I was just wondering if anyone was in this situation and what they did to keep going on being sober...there definitely are different ways of coping with stress and such - I realize...but I also hear a lot of times that people need to just GO and be away from that negative stuff...

Anything that got in the way of my sobriety had to go...People...Places...and things. That includes girlfriends and basements.

That's what I have been thinking about A LOT the last few days...
I know that the drama that they cause are not the reason why I drink...I drink because I am addicted...but I guess since a lot of my drinking...actually, ALL of my drinking took place in this basement that it's really hard sometimes to just get home and come down here....like...this is supposed to be HOME...
I don't know...
I am unsure if certain people triggered you as well Sapling...
Sometimes I just simply cannot deal with the drama. It seems crazy to me...
If there is some sort of argument I have a crazy urge to drink to forget about it....

It doesn't sound like a healthy environment for anyone and especially not while finding sobriety. Your home should be tranquil and a safe place for you, not one you want to escape. You are not responsible for another adult being able to continue living in their own home or elsewhere, either.

Hanna's right. If I move out, my landlord has to find new tenants.
Your bf's mother's home ownership is not your responsibility Bayliss :)

If the situation is stressful, and you really can't move out, I'd guess I'd be looking for all the support I could find bayliss - AA, SMART, counselling, whatever...

Hope you can work it out :)
D

Bayliss,

I do think you need to move, no question. You need to put distance between the person who is triggering you. Also the living situation doesn't seem ideal to me. When you come home you need to relax. Your boyfriend's mum could find some other tenants to help pay the rent.
I have a family member who triggers me, the other day I really felt like a drink after an encounter. I certainly could not live with him. I am now being more mindful of my boundaries and what I can cope with. Yesterday we all went out to lunch it was great but I am going to keep distance for awhile.


Bayliss your sobriety is paramount.

All the best
CaiHong

Dee -- I know it isn't my responsiblity -- it is nice to hear others say that as well...because no one else here says it (no family where I am -- or near me, I mean).
Is it possible for me to move out? Of course...there are two options. I move out and my boyfriend stays here...tricky to say who gets what...as we have been together for 5 years...moved out of my parents with nothing -- same with him and bought everything together....that's just a technicality...
or 2) he comes with me and we rent (as much as he doesn't want to) and than I feel the wrath of his Mom and other family members for "putting [his] Mom through this"....trust me...it happened before. We moved here for ONE year to save up money and have been here for 3...and once I said we were going to move out and I got reamed out by his siblings...can you imagine how I felt at the time? That was almost 2 years ago...I drank an entire bottle of red that night crying...bombarded with text messages from them...that's when it became worse...
A little long -- I am just trying to get you to understand my situation and to see if you have any advice on how I can go about this...

CaiHong -- thank you. I completely understand what you're saying. As I said before, this has been on my mind more and more...
I think I might just have a problem with boundaries...even though I can be tough - a "b*&ch" to some...I just can't stand up for myself when it comes to my bf's family because I want him to never think different or something of me. Does that make sense?
You are totally right though, my sobriety is paramount...
I can either move out and get better...or stay and live here for another 3 years or something and who knows.


You guys ultimately are all right...I just don't know how to go about it. I don't want to make anyone upset. But at the end of the day, I can't please everyone...and I gotta focus on myself...right?

One more thing...not sure if anyone has heard this before...
I always get into it with my Mom...and she always says to me after an argument:

"You can sit there and yell and b*%tch at me but you can never stand up for yourself when it comes to other people."

She is right...maybe because I know she will love me regardless...but I need to set boundaries...if I want to achieve total sobriety...I NEED to set boundaries in this house.

Right....

I'm in one of those situations in my relationship right now, bay.. I have a wife in denial about alcohol, and I've decided to embrace that I have a problem and stop.. it's a tough road ahead, but right now, it's life or death decision time.. I choose life, and sobriety above all else. I love my wife dearly but if she can't be supportive, and isn't ready to open up about her own issues, then I can't be there for her, it's too hard beating this problem to worry about everyone elses -- and don't get me wrong, if she would admit she had a problem, I would be with her every step of the way to her own recovery. What I can't do, is continue to hang out with her at bars and clubs.

Congrats for being here and staying strong. :)

You must be having quite the difficulty SoCalDude -- I know what it is like...when you love someone so much and try to protect them. But good for you in keeping to your sobriety.
Did the two of you begin drinking at the same time? Live together?

Very true, it is a helpless feeling when you can't protect the one you love. We live together yes.. we were both social drinkers when we met (alcoholics in disguise).. I would say I became the problem drinker first and I'm ready to quit first.. I know she will want to quit one day..

That's what I am thinking is what my issue is....or that is what our relationship is about...I don't know for sure though. I can't speak for him.
I really hope everything works out for the two of you. I wish you ALL the best. I hope me and my S/O work it out together as well. Would be amazing. :)
That and finally move out too!

Same to you bayliss, you're in my prayers, my friend. :)

Thank you SoCal.
You as well.
I shall be thinking of you.

The only thing I know Bay is that your sobriety should be top priority. I can tell you are a very compassionate person by the way you are thinking of others as well. But protect yourself, especially in early sobriety. Sending prayers your way.
God bless.

Bayliss...17 months ago my husband and I decided it was best that we 'officially' separated. I had drank all of my adult life, he knew I drank when we met...we still married. Nothing got better...and nothing changed. I found myself in the same cycles, the same thoughts, the same habits...it wasn't until we separated that I got it. It still took me 4 months after I was out on my own but it's been a year this month that I've been sober. It was the best move I ever made.