my ABF hates me for telling his parents about his problem and he won't talk to me
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: NY
Posts: 67
my ABF hates me for telling his parents about his problem and he won't talk to me
Hi,
I'm new to sober recovery and i'm glad to have found you here. I have a devastating story to tell you. I need to tell you this here because I no longer want to bother my few friends with constant heart-broken late night phone calls, and I'm also tired of putting the weight of this problem on my mother, but I still need to vent. I'm still very hurt. This is my story.
C and I met 2.5 years ago. We began playing music together and having great fun. He was in a relationship, as was I, but both of our relationships soon ended for different reasons and as our music project continued, we began dating. We used to go out drinking every day, but it seemed inoffensive at first because most people date by going out to bars anyway. Time went by, we fell in love, and about 6 months later a nasty cocaine-fueled accident happened to me and sent me to the hospital. That incident changed my life and I decided to get better, drink less and take more care of myself. i was 23 at the time and decided to stop being a stupid teenager and straighten up. C was 35... he was devastated by the accident (I took a kitchen knife to my arm and almost bled to death in his arms), we stopped seeing each other a bit, but then we got back together and supported each other. He was loving, he would even carry heavy bags for me saying I was the lady and he should do the tough work, he would buy me flowers after I told him that I liked that kind of stuff, he would always make sure I was safe and comfortable and happy and loved. he was really the most amazing gentleman I had ever met, we had so much in common: same taste in music, same mentality, same taste in art, etc...... He did tell me stories about his history of drugs and having been sent to rehab by his mother when he was 26, but all of this seemed so far away (1o years ago) that I didn't think it could possibly affect me.
Things kept going well and a few months later, he took me to his dad's place for the first time and the relationship became more official. I became really close with his dad, having dinner at his place once or twice a week. Months later, I changed houses and moved closer to his place. He had been living with his dad because his break-up was still recent and he hadn't gotten himself a home yet (he had been unemployed for 6 months because the company had gone bankrupt and had fired everyone, so he was pretty crushed).
When I had trouble with my roommates at the time, he helped me find an apartment and I ended up moving closer to his dad's. That same month he practically moved in with me. it was sort of an unspoken decision, he just kept bringing more and more things over and I was/am so in love with him that I never minded his being here and always tried to make him feel welcome. I was really happy and in love and felt that things were going reat for us. Our jobs are only 10 blocks from each other, so we would always meet after work and come to my place... every single day from january 2011 up to december 2011. Living with him everyday made me realize that he had a drinking problem and a temper problem, he sometimes inexplicably became very irritable and would get extremely angry over simple things. he would insult me and say that i did not love him, that he wanted to die, that one day he would disappear and we would all regret having treated him like ****. On his "good mood" days, he would always find a good reason to "celebrate" with a bottle of wine, or to "unwind" after work drinking 5 beers, etc. this became constant, and as I got more sober and he was still drunk, I became very worried and unhappy. I tried talking to him, as he not only was drinking almost daily, but also smoking marihuana daily. he would always threaten me with ending the relationship because he was a grown man and did not want to be controlled by me. he said he had enough of being controlled by his ex-girlfriend and he said he was free to decide what was best for him. I tried to understand that and let go....I tried to convince myself that I was exaggerated, tried to give him his freedom, tried to love him the way he was, but then time would go by and I would feel worried sick again.
One Saturday, I came home from work and he was here with his dad. It must have been 6 pm and he was pretty wasted. I didn't understand what was going on, he was wasted and trying to be funny and being stubborn. His dad seemed serious and angry... Finally his dad said he was taking off and C insisted that he take us to spend the evening at his house. Later, we realized that he wanted to go there because there were more beers in that fridge. He popped open another one (possibly his third or fourth 32 oz.er) and that's when his dad exploded. He asked him why he was drinking so much, C denied that it was too much, his dad insisted that 6 pm was not a normal time to be that drunk alone and for no reason... It got very messy very quickly and I left the room trying to be respectful. Hours later his father asked me to join the discussion and say what I felt and what I knew. I did just as I was asked and C began to appologize, in tears, saying that he would change and straighten up. He did straighten up for like a month, drinking NOTHING and only ONE BEER when we went out for dinner ocassionally. But as soon as I got relaxed about the situation, as soon as I stopped nagging and saying things like "maybe you should wait and buy that beer until tomorrow," he went back to his old ways.
The truth is, his father had asked me to keep in touch with him. His father would constantly text me asking me about him, asking me if we were doing ok, asking me if his drinking had gotten any better. I would always reply, always saying the truth, always saying when he was drinking less, or more, or nothing at all. Sometimes when I couldn't take it any longer I would call his father, and he would tell me that it would be ok, that we had to stay together and support him. So I kept doing that, but I also began to be very hurt and very bitter. C was still a sweetheart to me when he was drunk, but I stopped responding to his drunken I LOVE YOU's, every night feeling angry that I had to turn around so I would smell his alcoholic breath in my face. When he tried to be intimate I would be turned off, and the truth is that our sex life had dropped in the last month before "THE BIG FIGHT" happened.
This was recently, in December. His mom was visiting from a foreign country. She had been gone for 3 years and had finally come back to spend christmas with his husband, son and daughter. I met her (even woke up at 4:30 a.m. to go pick her up at the airport at 6:30 am) and got along with her instantly. She kept telling me how happy she was that her son had found someone like me and I came over for dinner once a week, on Fridays. This was in November..... We seemed to be getting along very well, all of us. But then he got wasted for Thanksgiving. He was the only one wasted at the table, even his sister's boyfriend was surprised. His mother got sad, his father kept looking at me, his father kept trying to tell me something. finally, when they drove us home that night, they asked me if he had gone back to drinking a lot and i said: YES. He's been drinking every day and there's nothing i can do to stop it. they asked me to try to be ok and they told me they would support me by talking to him. later i learned that they did talk to him two days later. he told them he was ok, but he didn't change.
My days became sad, thinking about him all day, wishing that today he wouldn't drink, or that he would maybe just have 2 beers instead of 6, trying to make plans where drinking could not be a possibility, trying to go to movies, or to a shopping mall............
to make a long story short, I had planned a trip to go visit my family for Christmas. I was leaving on the 23rd. And 3 days before my trip we had been fighting every single day, about stupid things, he kept having temper tantrums, he kept drinking at night, i kept getting sad and crying alone in my bed, he kept resenting me for crying and making him worried about me. Then we would make up the next day and tell each other how much we loved each other, and promised to make things work out for us. We had a huge piggy bank full of bills and coins saving up for our apartment together in February!!!!!! Then, the last night before I left, he bought a bottle of wine. He said to me: is it bad if i get some wine? And i said to him: it is your body, i do not agree with what you are doing to it, but it is your body and your mind and you are a grown man and you will know what you do.... to my surprise, he turned around and left to the liquor store. i went to the bathroom, kicked the walls and screamed WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? i cried for 2 minutes. I knew I had lost him. i wondered if i had ever had him. he drank his wine, we played some music, i pretended not to be mad, i tried to keep things calm so we could both have a happy christmas with our families. The next morning, he had to go to work and I had to catch my plane, so we said goodbye in the most loving beautiful way, kissing each other 20 times, he tried to walk out the door to go to work and he kept coming back to kiss me once, twice, three times, 8 times at least. it was so beautiful, i felt so in love......... i tried to forget our troubles and told myself i would solve them after getting back from my trip. He gave me his mother's number and asked me to call her from the airport to say goodbye and merry christmas.
I called her. I said merry christmas and goodbye and see you soon. and this is where it all got screwed up. she asked me: how's my son? how is he doing? is he calm? is he well? and i just COULDN'T LIE TO HER!!!! i said the truth.... i broke into tears and told her that C was not doing good, that he would not listen to me, that he just kept getting buzzed every night (not to mention the marihuana, which i NEVER told her about). i told her how much of what he was drinking. she asked me if he was violent and i said sometimes he slams his hand against the table as he screams, sometimes he locks himself up in the bathroom and won't come out for hours. sometimes he tells me he wants to die because nobody loves him. naturally, his mother broke up in tears and told me i had ruined her Xmas but that it was good that she knew this. she told me she was embarrassed of having raised such a son and that he would pay for this. I hung up with her and called C, told him something horrible had happened, I told him I had talked to his mother and told her all of that, he burst into tears, he said i would regret this. my plane left and I called him from my connecting flight. He said he had talked to his mother and she was devastated, she was crushed, I had ruined their christmas, he said yes he is sick, yes he is an alcoholic and yes he will seek help, but he said i am even sicker for not having been delicate with his mother, for not having cared to ruin their Xmas after 3 years of being apart. later that night, when I got home to my parents, I called him. he was wasted. his speech was slurred, he cried, he told me he would change, he told me he loved me, he appologized. i told him we would do this together. he agreed. everything was good on the 24th, we talked on the phone. everything was good on the 25th, again we talked on the phone. but on the 26th, when I was flying back, he told me nothing would be the same he told me i ruined everything, he said he could never trust me again, he said I had no idea the pain i had caused not only him but every family member, he told me his mother was in bed, depressed (she is a medicated person with clinical depression), i kept telling him that was all his fault, i said he had created that.... it just got really bad and i decided not to write back to him.
when i got back home, all of his things were gone, EVERYTHING. every single thing. he took it. i was crushed. i cried. it's been 7 days today. and i'm still crushed. i have tried to contact him and he wished me a happy new year's two days ago and told me that he loved me, so i got my hopes up. but i invited him to my music show next thursday (which we were supposed to play together, and now i will have to play solo), and he was so utterly angry, that he insulted me. he told me i have no heart, he said i am a liar, a fake person, he said the meanest thing to me. he told me that his family had told him everything, he found out i had been speaking behind his back......
i don't even know how to handle this, we had so many dreams together and now all of them seem gone. i thought that he would change, i was hoping for him to realize his drinking problem had caused all of this. but i see he is in denial, i see he is playing the blame game. i don't want to hurt. these 7 days i have been so hopeful that things might get better, but now i don't want to think about him. i love him. and OH GOD, HOW I LOVE HIM! all i was trying to do was help. but he left. he took everything. he hasn't even given me the chance to see him and tell him how it all was and why it all happened that way, and how i felt. he doesn't care anymore. he dissed me off on his e-mail saying that he can't believe he lived with someone so cold and heartless and cruel as me.
help! please!!!!! i need help......... i need to stop trying to contact him, i need to let go. i need to live my life, even if he was my life for 2 long and mostly beautiful years..... i miss him in bed when i wake up, i miss snuggling with him, i don't miss him drunk, though..... there's nothing i can do to change him, i have read about the 3 C's i didn't cause it, i can't control it, and i can't cure it..... but this still FREAKIN' HURTS SO MUCH!!!!! what can i do???? do you think eventually one day he will come around and talk?????? he texted me that on new year's..... at 4 a.m. with perfect spelling (indicating he wasn't drunk)...... he texted me: i wish you the best. we will talk soon, i promise. you know i love you like no other.
BUT THEN HE GETS MAD AT ME FOR INVITING HIM TO MY SHOW AND DISSES ME OFF????? what should i do guys???? please!!!! please!!!!! i feel so confused........i love him
I'm new to sober recovery and i'm glad to have found you here. I have a devastating story to tell you. I need to tell you this here because I no longer want to bother my few friends with constant heart-broken late night phone calls, and I'm also tired of putting the weight of this problem on my mother, but I still need to vent. I'm still very hurt. This is my story.
C and I met 2.5 years ago. We began playing music together and having great fun. He was in a relationship, as was I, but both of our relationships soon ended for different reasons and as our music project continued, we began dating. We used to go out drinking every day, but it seemed inoffensive at first because most people date by going out to bars anyway. Time went by, we fell in love, and about 6 months later a nasty cocaine-fueled accident happened to me and sent me to the hospital. That incident changed my life and I decided to get better, drink less and take more care of myself. i was 23 at the time and decided to stop being a stupid teenager and straighten up. C was 35... he was devastated by the accident (I took a kitchen knife to my arm and almost bled to death in his arms), we stopped seeing each other a bit, but then we got back together and supported each other. He was loving, he would even carry heavy bags for me saying I was the lady and he should do the tough work, he would buy me flowers after I told him that I liked that kind of stuff, he would always make sure I was safe and comfortable and happy and loved. he was really the most amazing gentleman I had ever met, we had so much in common: same taste in music, same mentality, same taste in art, etc...... He did tell me stories about his history of drugs and having been sent to rehab by his mother when he was 26, but all of this seemed so far away (1o years ago) that I didn't think it could possibly affect me.
Things kept going well and a few months later, he took me to his dad's place for the first time and the relationship became more official. I became really close with his dad, having dinner at his place once or twice a week. Months later, I changed houses and moved closer to his place. He had been living with his dad because his break-up was still recent and he hadn't gotten himself a home yet (he had been unemployed for 6 months because the company had gone bankrupt and had fired everyone, so he was pretty crushed).
When I had trouble with my roommates at the time, he helped me find an apartment and I ended up moving closer to his dad's. That same month he practically moved in with me. it was sort of an unspoken decision, he just kept bringing more and more things over and I was/am so in love with him that I never minded his being here and always tried to make him feel welcome. I was really happy and in love and felt that things were going reat for us. Our jobs are only 10 blocks from each other, so we would always meet after work and come to my place... every single day from january 2011 up to december 2011. Living with him everyday made me realize that he had a drinking problem and a temper problem, he sometimes inexplicably became very irritable and would get extremely angry over simple things. he would insult me and say that i did not love him, that he wanted to die, that one day he would disappear and we would all regret having treated him like ****. On his "good mood" days, he would always find a good reason to "celebrate" with a bottle of wine, or to "unwind" after work drinking 5 beers, etc. this became constant, and as I got more sober and he was still drunk, I became very worried and unhappy. I tried talking to him, as he not only was drinking almost daily, but also smoking marihuana daily. he would always threaten me with ending the relationship because he was a grown man and did not want to be controlled by me. he said he had enough of being controlled by his ex-girlfriend and he said he was free to decide what was best for him. I tried to understand that and let go....I tried to convince myself that I was exaggerated, tried to give him his freedom, tried to love him the way he was, but then time would go by and I would feel worried sick again.
One Saturday, I came home from work and he was here with his dad. It must have been 6 pm and he was pretty wasted. I didn't understand what was going on, he was wasted and trying to be funny and being stubborn. His dad seemed serious and angry... Finally his dad said he was taking off and C insisted that he take us to spend the evening at his house. Later, we realized that he wanted to go there because there were more beers in that fridge. He popped open another one (possibly his third or fourth 32 oz.er) and that's when his dad exploded. He asked him why he was drinking so much, C denied that it was too much, his dad insisted that 6 pm was not a normal time to be that drunk alone and for no reason... It got very messy very quickly and I left the room trying to be respectful. Hours later his father asked me to join the discussion and say what I felt and what I knew. I did just as I was asked and C began to appologize, in tears, saying that he would change and straighten up. He did straighten up for like a month, drinking NOTHING and only ONE BEER when we went out for dinner ocassionally. But as soon as I got relaxed about the situation, as soon as I stopped nagging and saying things like "maybe you should wait and buy that beer until tomorrow," he went back to his old ways.
The truth is, his father had asked me to keep in touch with him. His father would constantly text me asking me about him, asking me if we were doing ok, asking me if his drinking had gotten any better. I would always reply, always saying the truth, always saying when he was drinking less, or more, or nothing at all. Sometimes when I couldn't take it any longer I would call his father, and he would tell me that it would be ok, that we had to stay together and support him. So I kept doing that, but I also began to be very hurt and very bitter. C was still a sweetheart to me when he was drunk, but I stopped responding to his drunken I LOVE YOU's, every night feeling angry that I had to turn around so I would smell his alcoholic breath in my face. When he tried to be intimate I would be turned off, and the truth is that our sex life had dropped in the last month before "THE BIG FIGHT" happened.
This was recently, in December. His mom was visiting from a foreign country. She had been gone for 3 years and had finally come back to spend christmas with his husband, son and daughter. I met her (even woke up at 4:30 a.m. to go pick her up at the airport at 6:30 am) and got along with her instantly. She kept telling me how happy she was that her son had found someone like me and I came over for dinner once a week, on Fridays. This was in November..... We seemed to be getting along very well, all of us. But then he got wasted for Thanksgiving. He was the only one wasted at the table, even his sister's boyfriend was surprised. His mother got sad, his father kept looking at me, his father kept trying to tell me something. finally, when they drove us home that night, they asked me if he had gone back to drinking a lot and i said: YES. He's been drinking every day and there's nothing i can do to stop it. they asked me to try to be ok and they told me they would support me by talking to him. later i learned that they did talk to him two days later. he told them he was ok, but he didn't change.
My days became sad, thinking about him all day, wishing that today he wouldn't drink, or that he would maybe just have 2 beers instead of 6, trying to make plans where drinking could not be a possibility, trying to go to movies, or to a shopping mall............
to make a long story short, I had planned a trip to go visit my family for Christmas. I was leaving on the 23rd. And 3 days before my trip we had been fighting every single day, about stupid things, he kept having temper tantrums, he kept drinking at night, i kept getting sad and crying alone in my bed, he kept resenting me for crying and making him worried about me. Then we would make up the next day and tell each other how much we loved each other, and promised to make things work out for us. We had a huge piggy bank full of bills and coins saving up for our apartment together in February!!!!!! Then, the last night before I left, he bought a bottle of wine. He said to me: is it bad if i get some wine? And i said to him: it is your body, i do not agree with what you are doing to it, but it is your body and your mind and you are a grown man and you will know what you do.... to my surprise, he turned around and left to the liquor store. i went to the bathroom, kicked the walls and screamed WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? i cried for 2 minutes. I knew I had lost him. i wondered if i had ever had him. he drank his wine, we played some music, i pretended not to be mad, i tried to keep things calm so we could both have a happy christmas with our families. The next morning, he had to go to work and I had to catch my plane, so we said goodbye in the most loving beautiful way, kissing each other 20 times, he tried to walk out the door to go to work and he kept coming back to kiss me once, twice, three times, 8 times at least. it was so beautiful, i felt so in love......... i tried to forget our troubles and told myself i would solve them after getting back from my trip. He gave me his mother's number and asked me to call her from the airport to say goodbye and merry christmas.
I called her. I said merry christmas and goodbye and see you soon. and this is where it all got screwed up. she asked me: how's my son? how is he doing? is he calm? is he well? and i just COULDN'T LIE TO HER!!!! i said the truth.... i broke into tears and told her that C was not doing good, that he would not listen to me, that he just kept getting buzzed every night (not to mention the marihuana, which i NEVER told her about). i told her how much of what he was drinking. she asked me if he was violent and i said sometimes he slams his hand against the table as he screams, sometimes he locks himself up in the bathroom and won't come out for hours. sometimes he tells me he wants to die because nobody loves him. naturally, his mother broke up in tears and told me i had ruined her Xmas but that it was good that she knew this. she told me she was embarrassed of having raised such a son and that he would pay for this. I hung up with her and called C, told him something horrible had happened, I told him I had talked to his mother and told her all of that, he burst into tears, he said i would regret this. my plane left and I called him from my connecting flight. He said he had talked to his mother and she was devastated, she was crushed, I had ruined their christmas, he said yes he is sick, yes he is an alcoholic and yes he will seek help, but he said i am even sicker for not having been delicate with his mother, for not having cared to ruin their Xmas after 3 years of being apart. later that night, when I got home to my parents, I called him. he was wasted. his speech was slurred, he cried, he told me he would change, he told me he loved me, he appologized. i told him we would do this together. he agreed. everything was good on the 24th, we talked on the phone. everything was good on the 25th, again we talked on the phone. but on the 26th, when I was flying back, he told me nothing would be the same he told me i ruined everything, he said he could never trust me again, he said I had no idea the pain i had caused not only him but every family member, he told me his mother was in bed, depressed (she is a medicated person with clinical depression), i kept telling him that was all his fault, i said he had created that.... it just got really bad and i decided not to write back to him.
when i got back home, all of his things were gone, EVERYTHING. every single thing. he took it. i was crushed. i cried. it's been 7 days today. and i'm still crushed. i have tried to contact him and he wished me a happy new year's two days ago and told me that he loved me, so i got my hopes up. but i invited him to my music show next thursday (which we were supposed to play together, and now i will have to play solo), and he was so utterly angry, that he insulted me. he told me i have no heart, he said i am a liar, a fake person, he said the meanest thing to me. he told me that his family had told him everything, he found out i had been speaking behind his back......
i don't even know how to handle this, we had so many dreams together and now all of them seem gone. i thought that he would change, i was hoping for him to realize his drinking problem had caused all of this. but i see he is in denial, i see he is playing the blame game. i don't want to hurt. these 7 days i have been so hopeful that things might get better, but now i don't want to think about him. i love him. and OH GOD, HOW I LOVE HIM! all i was trying to do was help. but he left. he took everything. he hasn't even given me the chance to see him and tell him how it all was and why it all happened that way, and how i felt. he doesn't care anymore. he dissed me off on his e-mail saying that he can't believe he lived with someone so cold and heartless and cruel as me.
help! please!!!!! i need help......... i need to stop trying to contact him, i need to let go. i need to live my life, even if he was my life for 2 long and mostly beautiful years..... i miss him in bed when i wake up, i miss snuggling with him, i don't miss him drunk, though..... there's nothing i can do to change him, i have read about the 3 C's i didn't cause it, i can't control it, and i can't cure it..... but this still FREAKIN' HURTS SO MUCH!!!!! what can i do???? do you think eventually one day he will come around and talk?????? he texted me that on new year's..... at 4 a.m. with perfect spelling (indicating he wasn't drunk)...... he texted me: i wish you the best. we will talk soon, i promise. you know i love you like no other.
BUT THEN HE GETS MAD AT ME FOR INVITING HIM TO MY SHOW AND DISSES ME OFF????? what should i do guys???? please!!!! please!!!!! i feel so confused........i love him
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Hi and Welcome,
I know I would have been furious if my husband had talked to my family about my drinking. That's just my personal feeling. It sounds like he doesn't want any contact with you, so all you can do is to accept that. Hopefully he will make a choice to stop drinking.
I hope you seek help for yourself at AlAnon, and we do have a forum for Friends & Families on this board.
I know I would have been furious if my husband had talked to my family about my drinking. That's just my personal feeling. It sounds like he doesn't want any contact with you, so all you can do is to accept that. Hopefully he will make a choice to stop drinking.
I hope you seek help for yourself at AlAnon, and we do have a forum for Friends & Families on this board.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Texas, a state of mind
Posts: 380
I may not have gotten all the details of that because I read it in a hurry.
However it is clear that your friend has a serious problem and that nothing you can do will change that.
It is not about you at this point. You could jump the moon, or become a serial killer; this would not significantly affect his issue, which can only be changed by his own decision and commitment.
I do not think you did anything wrong by answering his mother's direct question truthfully. Anything else would have been involving yourself in deception, and that would have been wrong.
The only thing you can do now is avoid enabling. Don't say "There there" when he's loaded, don't offer him money or a place to crash, don't bail him out of jail, don't drive him to the liquor store. Just don't.
If he sobers up and straightens out, then maybe you can rebuild a relationship. But for now, it's the pot and booze talking and not the man you love.
However it is clear that your friend has a serious problem and that nothing you can do will change that.
It is not about you at this point. You could jump the moon, or become a serial killer; this would not significantly affect his issue, which can only be changed by his own decision and commitment.
I do not think you did anything wrong by answering his mother's direct question truthfully. Anything else would have been involving yourself in deception, and that would have been wrong.
The only thing you can do now is avoid enabling. Don't say "There there" when he's loaded, don't offer him money or a place to crash, don't bail him out of jail, don't drive him to the liquor store. Just don't.
If he sobers up and straightens out, then maybe you can rebuild a relationship. But for now, it's the pot and booze talking and not the man you love.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Welcome to SR lovingenabler.
It sounds like there were 3 figures in your relationship - you, him and booze.
I know it hurts - but do you think you deserve the cruelty and the temper and the drunken arguments?
maybe the best thing to do is get on with your life and let your bf find his own way to wherever he's going, hopefully to recovery?
I know you'll find a lot of support here.
I also hope you'll check out our Family and Friends forums too
It sounds like there were 3 figures in your relationship - you, him and booze.
I know it hurts - but do you think you deserve the cruelty and the temper and the drunken arguments?
maybe the best thing to do is get on with your life and let your bf find his own way to wherever he's going, hopefully to recovery?
I know you'll find a lot of support here.
I also hope you'll check out our Family and Friends forums too
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 43
As hard as it is, you have to consciously step away from it. You don't have to say goodbye forever, but you do have to say goodbye for now.
One of two things will happen. Either he will hit rock bottom and realize what he's lost and seek help for real, or he won't. In the first case, there's nothing you can do to help him. He has to come to that realization on his own. And in the second case, you're too valuable to be in that dangerous situation, and you deserve better. Living with an active alcoholic is hell on earth (trust me.)
One of two things will happen. Either he will hit rock bottom and realize what he's lost and seek help for real, or he won't. In the first case, there's nothing you can do to help him. He has to come to that realization on his own. And in the second case, you're too valuable to be in that dangerous situation, and you deserve better. Living with an active alcoholic is hell on earth (trust me.)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: NY
Posts: 67
Thanks so much for your help. Thanks for reading and replying, you kind kind people are what I need in this moment in my life. He has just contacted me saying that he is not mad at me anymore, just hurt and very sad. i just need to give him time and carry on.... this is SOOOOOOOO hard!!!
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
Originally Posted by lovingenabler 
Thanks so much for your help. Thanks for reading and replying, you kind kind people are what I need in this moment in my life. He has just contacted me saying that he is not mad at me anymore, just hurt and very sad. i just need to give him time and carry on.... this is SOOOOOOOO hard!!!
And please, do not let his expressions of hurt and sadness blind you to the fact that the real issue here is his drinking. His mother was upset, and Christmas was ruined because you told the truth about HIS DRINKING. The problem is his drinking, not your failure to lie for him.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
Welcome!
try reading Codependent No More and get to AlAnon. Did you use any program when you stayed stopped or did you just cut out drugs & kept drinking? You may have switched coke for a bf as your "drug of choice." I've been in your situation. Stay strong!
try reading Codependent No More and get to AlAnon. Did you use any program when you stayed stopped or did you just cut out drugs & kept drinking? You may have switched coke for a bf as your "drug of choice." I've been in your situation. Stay strong!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: NY
Posts: 67
Hello onlythetruth. Thank you. I am well aware of this fact. The problem is HIS DRINKING. If he had never had a drinking problem, then I would have never told his mother about his drinking problem. It's that simple. Now he's trying to make me feel that I crushed our dreams of a future together by talking behind his back. I don't want to reply to that e-mail that he sent me, I will just give him silence. Until he is willing to talk face to face. This isn't fair for me. He took all of his things and left the house! Why should I have to go begging after him? So he can just come back and continue drinking???? I have faith in God that he will change, but I need to carry on. These 7 days have been the most painful I can remember.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: NY
Posts: 67
sugarbear, I only did coke ocassionally at that point, maybe 15 times in my whole life. I am 25. I don't think this is a lot. I did crave it sometimes when drinking, but I decided to stop because it was making me depressive. never went back to using it, though..... I know what you mean about my bf being my drug of choice. i did feel a big deal of codependency going on, as I would miss him terribly when he was not around. I did not go to a program. I also stopped abusive drinking to try to stop his drinking, but I will still occassionally grab a beer or two, but i have no problem stopping for a week or however long. I need to get help.... most definitly need it!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Wow, okay. I'm sorry you are living all this mess.
A couple of things came to mind:
Everybody in this story has their own issues, so nobody "ruined" anybody's anything.
The mother is clinically depressed. ABF probably is as well, and the drinking is making it worse. Hence the statements like "I want to die" and such.
Don't beat yourself up too much over telling his parents; the father was already on to him anyway, and the mother would have figured it out anyway.
It sounds like he needs to do some "soul-searching" (rehab, jailtime, whatever) before he is able to think clearly again. What you do yourself is entirely up to you.
A couple of things came to mind:
Everybody in this story has their own issues, so nobody "ruined" anybody's anything.
The mother is clinically depressed. ABF probably is as well, and the drinking is making it worse. Hence the statements like "I want to die" and such.
Don't beat yourself up too much over telling his parents; the father was already on to him anyway, and the mother would have figured it out anyway.
It sounds like he needs to do some "soul-searching" (rehab, jailtime, whatever) before he is able to think clearly again. What you do yourself is entirely up to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: NY
Posts: 67
Originally Posted by sugarbear1
You sound like you just need time away from him. Work on you for now. You'll figure it out. Just know he's 12 years older & always will be......
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,711
I am sorry to hear you are going thru this. I have been there myself with my ex. Unfortunately, he won't change no matter what you do. He only will when he is ready. You will have to go thru the grief process and take care of yourself. You never know what will happen in the future but if you focus on yourself, at least you will be happy. ((hugs))
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