jocata

It's good to have a healthy fear of our addictions. It keeps us on our toes.
I get those racing thoughts too. It does subside a little at a time.
Have you started the Rational Recovery book yet?
We do have to learn new tools to deal with our thoughts and cravings, especially in early recovery. I can tell your hesitant about AA, but a meeting really helps me to center my thoughts on recovery and getting through each day.
Do you have a good sober friend you can talk to when your mind starts berating you?
It's great to come here and read and post but some of us need to meet face to face or talk on the phone with other recovering people to get through rough times.

Hang in there stepping, it'll only get worse if you start drinking again.

God bless

stepping

I did start the Rational Recovery book and it helps me a lot to know the voice has nothing to do with me and that I own it. I find myself quieting it often with the knowledge from the book.

I admit I am hesitant about AA. When I went before I can guarantee you it is what got me sober. I went into my first meeting balling like a baby pleaing for help. They helped me. I was working six days a week and not having problems staying away from booze and did not think I needed AA as often as my fellow members thought I did. Once a week sometimes twice was good for me. I kinda got the cold shoulder from a woman who said in front of the whole class "this is just not somewhere you come when you feel like it, you have to put your whole time into it" and looked directly at me. She intimidated me. But that was a different state and a different group of people. I have not started yet and will not let that stop me. I have a friend coming from out of town next weekend and will be working long hours this week....just want to make sure I am available and dedicated to the program. And not start off on a bad note. This all sounds stupid and it feels good to get it out. I will attend AA. I am actually reading the Big Book for the first time now. It's helping.

I do have my mom and one friend I talk to about staying sober and they are a complete support system. I want to prove to them I can conquer this beast as well. Coming here and people like you help me tons! This place has kept me away from booze more than once!

Thanks for the post Jocata! It's things like this that help me stay strong. I am a tough cookie, I will get through this. I WILL create the life I want SOBER!

Scolova

Great to hear you are sticking with it, I agree with Jocata, use whatever you have around you now, if that happens to be AA go to some meetings. The voice has really torn me apart at times and around New Years (@3 months for me) was intense, I made myself stronger than the voice knowing what I've been through and how short lived the 'fix' would be. Each time I beat the voice I felt more power and more confidence to do the same again. I say "I will not drink today." in the morning and "I will not ruin my tomorrow, by drinking tonight." Try your best to divert your thoughts when it hits, the more I do the easier it gets. I am at 4 months, so I am by no means out of the woods, but I could've never imagined how enjoyable it is to not be drinking and the ease of walking right on by it without much concern. As I've said before, admitting absolute defeat against the drink in any form or amount, knowing that it will destroy every bit of my progress in a very short time keeps my head straight.
Best wishes.

stepping

Thanks Scolova for the words! Very true and helpful! Congrats on 4 months! That is awesome!

Cob

Drinking is a choice...I know that sounds too simple...but its true. You may feel that you don't have a choice and that you must obey your screaming nerves...but you don't have to drink. AA or any other 12 step program has never made anyone sober...they have helped people realize that they can be sober but these programs have never ever made a single soul sober...Only the decision to not drink and then "not" drinking makes a person sober. The choice is yours. I believe you are capable of not drinking and if you too believe it and then don't drink you will be sober in no time at all. Good for you that you've been able to make that choice not to drink for 24 hours...you can do it for another 24 as well.

BnDaNow

Hi Stepping,

I like the name you chose for your screen name, "stepping" (taking the 12 steps) as it's really the only remedy I've come to believe as the crow bar between my min that likes to convince itself that it will be different this time. I've been sober for a really long time now and in the beginning it was really ruff because I really didn't know if at my core I wanted to go through this 12 step process. But at some point it becomes clear that you have to make a choice of either moving forward and trusting that this thing will work for you or a drink will just make sense yet once again. I hope you have a sponsor who is guiding you in finding a "higher power" of your understanding that you can rely on just enough to get busy with the 4th and 5th step. The relief is there but more importantly the steps will facilitate change. I wish you luck and as we say don't leave before the miracle happens. All the best.

jocata

Hey stepping how are you doing today?

stepping

Hey COB, BNDANOW, and JOCATA!

Thank you for the words COB and BNDANOW. I agree each person has their own way of quitting but in my heart I do believe that it is just as simple as stopping (for me personally). Sometimes I will need to turn to crutches such as AA, excercise, and reading. Reading seems to help me more than anything. I am building back my relationship with God and know that without him NOTHING is possible. I am struggling in all honesty finding it as I did before when sober but that may just be that I am in early sobriety and nothing really makes sense now. I will not give up. I get closer every time I talk to him. I am still VERY new in sobriety. And things just are hard right now. But every day I do not drink things get easier. I have no desire to drink today. Fell to my knees first thing and asked to stay sober with a clear mind and so far so good He loves me and will keep me strong! I have faith and lots of it!

Jocata - Thanks for asking. You are always so supportive and caring! I am doing good. Have a plan to keep busy today so I should be OK. I worry about the work week upcoming and the fact that a friend that drinks heavily is coming to visit next weekend (I told him no drinking and he is very supportive so it shoudl be OK) I have to quiet those thoughts and just know I will not drink no matter that circumstance! I am determined this go around. I am sick to death of this stupid poison running me! SICK OF IT! It has to stop! I am actually more excited today than angry. It's recovery, it's a process. I just have to go through the motions..this is my body healing each heart beat it faces sober.

raindancer11

Good to see you posting, stepping. You are so on the right track. As you know, it will not always be this hard. It gets much, much easier. One thing that helps me and continues to help me is daily gratitude. I was a complete skeptic but that one thing made all the difference. I have a journal that I write in daily but I also post on SR. I really don't know why it works but it does.

Don't forget to post often. It helps to get back on track. Keep up the great work!

stepping

hey rain! thanks!!! I have kept a journal since i was 12....it has ALWAYS been something that helps me cope with life itself and something that helps me with my recovery as well. i have been doing a lot praying, reading and writing and awkwardly doing things to keep me busy; hey im learning lol.

stepping

Well today went good! Kept busy but also tried to realize I CAN relax too! Got a little ansey about thirty mins ago so went for a walk and that helped enormously. For some reason work always makes me nervous. I don't even have to be there until tomorrow but my mind starts running when I think about it.... it seems every time I get off track it's when there..... my mind starts running and it wont stop. The last few relapses something at work kicks my mind going and I can't seem to turn it off and i cave...even when I dont want to! Maybe it's a trigger for me. But since my job is a good one and I can't change it; I need to change my way of thinking about work. I can do this. I have no desire to drink. I won't drink! My body is soar and I have no energy but this too shall pass. I'm healing. Each pain is good showing me my body is ridding itself of poison. Just wanna fast forward 1 month. But no I need to feel this and know I never want to go through this again!

Hevyn

Stepping, it's wonderful to see you so positive. We're very proud of you.

I went through many phases as I healed - and I'm still improving after 4 yrs. sober. All kinds of good stuff is still ahead of you.

stepping

I just lost it. My friend that is coming to visit me this weekend is intoxicated and has been since he arrived on the strip at noon. He has been calling, texting nonstop as he does when he drinks. I did my best to not let it get to me and ignored most texts. At 5:30 I told him..... I'm heading to relax for the night. I will text you later this week. ttyl. Then he called again ten minutes later. I answered the phone with: I said I would talk to you later this week, I know I already told you about me being sober and I know you said you support me and will not drink but I need you to know how dead serious I am about my decision to not drink ever again. I told him I am early in recovery and still feel weak and if I feel that my sobriety is jeopardized in any way at all during your visit I will not hesitate to take you to a hotel or the airport no matter what time. I told him I know I am being harsh but I am setting boundaries and avoiding triggers. He said he understand and promises that it won't be an issue and that there will be no alcohol involved. I called my mom afterwards and just lost it and started crying just because I am so scared. I am menstraul (TMI sorry) and early in recovery so I know my emotions are a mess. It felt good to get it out though. I want this so bad and I do not care what I have to do or whose head I need to pound my seriousness into. This led me to make my next decision. I have another friend coming late Feb. he texted and I just let it out and told him I dont drink anymore and was wondering if that would be a problem for him when he visits Vegas for the first time on his birthday..his reply was not at all I need an IV time myself...been drinking way too much and that is a perfect time for me to start. Relief there!! My brother comes in March with an old Navy friend of his. There is no way to stop him from drinking and I know this. He is aware of my sobriety and supports me in every way but does not stop drinking around me and there is nothing I can do about that. I am going to have to learn this to and there has been plenty of times that he is drinking and I am on the wagon and things go fine. So I am hoping by then of 3 months sober I can just roll with it. Him and his friend are staying at a hotel on the strip so at least I have an escape. I mean come on it is Vegas and they are both heavy drinkers so I KNOW I WILL NEED TO ESCAPE. Plan, Plan, Plan. Me FIRST!

I am sick of living the way I was and am so proud of myself for putting my foot down. My cry was a release. Fear isn't real. I can and will do this and I think I am starting the process outward tonight. GO ME! I'm rolling through the motions!!!! HEALING ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!!!!

raindancer11

I'm so proud of you too, stepping! I learned after many relapses just what you're talking about now. Planning is so critical. There were times that I just couldn't see some people for several months. It's wonderful that you have so much support. You will do this!

stepping

HEYA Rain!!!!! Thank you, that means a ton to me. )))) Yes, I will do this. I have gotten to the point where I am just discusted with my relapses and am going to do all I can to nip them in the butt before they start since I know what some of my triggers are NOW!

Today went pretty good. Same ole work day so nothing special. I woke up at my regular 4 am time ready to go to work....like in a good mood about it...which surprised me. I will say last night was the first night that I don't think I slept at all... My mind was going 999 miles an hour all night long. I think I am lucky if I got two hours of sleep. It got me to thinking. Since I am so used to not feeling anything from numbing it with booze. I wonder if all these thoughts come up when there is nothing numbing them any more. I mean dang I have numbed the last 7 years of my life...at a constant with one month in between sober. Every thing that I have supressed for so long creeping up and healing like it was supposed to a long time ago. I mean if you cant feel it you cant heal from it. Now I am actually clear minded where I can feel these thing. And that actually makes me happy cause it is just another part of the healing process. BLAHHHH im rambling. OK off to a warm bath and a good book! Another thing, I am getting back my relationship with God and it feels so good! I think when I was "clouded" I lost it...I couldnt find it although i wanted it so bad. During that one month sober I had such a strong relationship with him. When I started drinking again it wasnt the same. I lost it unknowingly. I SEE IT NOW!!!!! ITS ALL MAKING SENSE TO ME NOW!!!! Gosh I have wasted so much! But at least I am learning and changing after my mistakes!

jocata

Way to put that foot down! I love it!

The part in your thread where you said "fear isn't real" reminded me of an acronym:
FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real.

It's great you are getting that relationship back with God too. He loves us no matter how bad we've been. He is waiting to forgive us of it all if we turn to Him!

Keep it up!

God bless.

raindancer11

Glad it's is making sense. It's amazing isn't it? Sobriety has so much to offer. You've already come such a long way. Hope you get more sleep tonight.

stepping

Jocata - I did put my foot down. My motto is "speak your mind even when your voice shakes" BOOM lol. You are exactly right about God!! He is AWESOME!... and fear is just a lie Thanks for stopping by! Hope you are well!

Rain - I was so tired last night I turned off the lights at 8. Then tossed a bit and got my mind going.... pshhh.... turned on the TV and got stuck on some reality junk on MTV til after 10..i know it's an addiction lol... so regardless to say when the alarm went off at 4 I was so tired. But I will take tired over hunk over any day!!! THanks for stopping by, hope you are well too!

Not too much to write about tonight. Same ole work day. Got my Christmas bonus so thats kool! But other than that nothing worth writing about.....
Note - During the work week (Mon - Thur for me) I am worthless in writing in here. 1. Because I stare at a computer all day and 2. I am just so tired from getting up at 4 am. I will be around more during the weekend (minus this one since I will be entertaining) You all remain in my thoughts.......... HUGE HUGS. I will be on for a bit tomorrow night!

Cob

Stepping...you sound like you have a great outlook...especially the relationship with God. He is our source for the breath we take in...He is my source for everything. I like your quote about it being one day at a time also..."Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof." Today is enough without projecting about tomorrow...this of course isn't saying that we don't make plans, like buy insurance, etc...the things that we know if we are to live another day it will matter what we do today. Anyways...keep on rocking Brother...Really try to keep you mind focused on those things which are above...as well as this "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." I seriously believe that we have the ability to determine what resides in our thought. If I'm constantly talking about the drug of my choice (be it alcohol or some other substance) then I will constantly be reminded of that which I don't want to be bothered with. I strongly encourage people who are trying to remain abstinent to get their minds on other positive things and not to constantly dwell on thoughts of using. Some might say that hitting meetings all the time is good…perhaps for some it is what is necessary but I believe for a great number of individuals it’s counterproductive in that it keeps those people focused on their problems. The truth is that if they are remaining abstinent then drinking or using is no longer their problem. Perhaps their greatest problem is the focusing on the drinking or using and you get back what you give. Stay strong and steer clear of those dens that make you constantly think about using.
Cob

Sunny27

Hey stepping

Great to catch up with you on here. You are right to put yourself and your sobriety first. It is the only way.

Glad to read you have settled in with the new job and surroundings, too. Big hug to you stepping. Keep on truckin'

Sunny xx