Creekryder

I believe I have descended to a low I have never been. My drinking has lead me to the point where I don't feel good unless I take a drink. I wake at the "devil's hour" and make the commitment that there will be no more alcohol, only to find myself with a bottle of brandy in my hand by noon. I no longer feel the high when I drink, and too often I go for a second round in the late afternoon. The quantity I can consume and still function is alarming. But when I am sober, I feel in despair. As I drink, I begin to feel better and forget what the alcohol is doing to me. I can't seem to raise the desire to really fight anymore.

The New Year is within 24 hours. I didn't want to be in the New Year's resolution syndrome but it is becoming blatantly clear if I don't, I will not be posting here this time next year. if I do not take immediate action, I believe it won't happen and I will join the others who lost the battle.

Feeling lonely, discouraged, and pissed at myself. I know what I should do, I have just chosen not to act.

Somewhere, I have to find the determination. I just felt like telling someone in hopes that writing it will bring it closer for me to see again.

Wishing all a sober and safe New Year.

Pádraic

GirlFromCO

Hi Creekryder. Thanks for posting that.

Are you sure you're really functioning? Just a thought.

Something else to consider... you're used to dealing with the pain alcohol brings. It is so clear from your writing. The pain of not drinking is nothing in comparison. It can't be any worse than what you are going through right now.

Also, I don't think it counts as a 'new years resolution' if you quit immediately. The thing about resolutions is that they never come.

Praying for you.

Itchy

You have just described my situation and feelings exactly a year and a quarter ago. I could not do it alone at all and drank from wake up to bed and never stumbled, slurred, or blacked out. I isolated and never had any run ins with the law. In fact everybody thought I was OK when I decided to get detox and rehab. "You just need to cut back a little that's all."

I needed a head start as I did the daily gotta stop and faced with it was always tomorrow. I swore if I could just make detox, past one morning, I would never take another drink again. I found a VA Hospital in patient 7 day detox that I arranged to be admitted to, and I went. I had horrible PAWS for three months and until six months it was no picnic but got better every week. I now have a year plus three months and am just now getting some perspective and final realization that I am recovered.

No I can't ever drink one drink again, nor smoke one cigarette. No problem, I am not deprived I survived. I used AA the first three months and here daily, as well as my Docs and counselors. Bubba, I couldn't make it on my own. I asked for little help and never looked back once i got that start.

You can too.

Happy New Year Padraic.

Dee74

Yeah, you know what to do P.
Wishing you the strength, courage and belief in yourself to do it.

may 2012 be the best year yet

D

neferkamichael

I'm praying for you Creekryder, I too have been tormented, but thanks to SR I,m 110 days off crack. If I can do it you can to. God bless

least

Your signature says it all. I hope you can get and stay sober in the new year.

Sapling

You sound just like me...Too many ass whippings for me...I'd had enough. Beaten down..Hopeless...I guess you just have to get to that point where you seek help or give up....I'm not much of a help seeker...But I knew what my only other option was. I wasn't ready to go there. I sought help...Supervised detox...Rehab...Got in a recovery program...And I put my life into it...Literally. It got me into some debt that will take me awhile to pay back...What is my life really worth?....I guess I had to answer that. Best of luck to you...Make 2012 your year.

Zebra1275

Is inpatient rehab an option for you?

If it's not an option, what can you do differently to beat this thing? What you've been doing isn't working and it sounds like you need to call in the cavalry.

keithj

Surrender was a very difficult thing for me, Padraic. It came only from a place of deep hopelessness and despair. Fighting the drink and staying vigilant against it never worked for me. I had to face the facts that despite my firm resolutions, despite my most sincere desire to never pick up a bottle again, I would still drink. It was maddening.

I recovered by admitting defeat and surrendering to the fact that, try as I might, I could not overcome booze on my own power. I had to have additional power in my life, and I had to take certain actions to get that power. Many other recovered alcoholics have found victory the same way.

Been almost 5 years that you've been on this site trying to beat this thing with your own toughness. Maybe something needs to change. Maybe it's worth considering something that's been successful for so many others.

Petewill

Creekrider,
I don't really know what to say, I am there mentally, just have not picked up.. try to hang in there man.. we know that this is not a way to live.

desertsong

Padraic, you can do this. You have realized that you have no power over alcohol and that it has made your life unmanageable. I did the same as you ... waking up every morning and making a promise that I wasn't going to drink anymore, but then experiencing all of the ghastly pain of NOT drinking ... the shakes, the dry heaves, the sweats ... and then giving in once again so I wouldn't feel those things. It was no way to live. Like you, I didn't even get drunk anymore - I just used alcohol so I could feel "normal." By the time evening rolled around, I was on my way to another blackout and then passing out in bed. Then I'd wake up in the morning and start all over again.

There is help and support out there for you, including all of us. Today is my Day 1 and I'd be happy to hold your hand through this and do it with you. We will get there ... we can do this. I'd suggest seeing your doctor too, and being very honest about your drinking so he/she can give you any medical support you need to get through detox. I did that and it helps immensely. I also started AA a few days ago and am doing the 90 meetings in 90 days thing to get me through the first three months. If you can find additional support like that in your area, that will also be very useful. Just keep coming back to SR in any event, and let us know how you're doing. I'll be praying for you.

Terminally Unique

I've been there, man, although I eventually got to the point where I was definitely not functional. Eventually, you're just fighting off the withdrawal, and little else. It may take you a 3-6 months of abstinence for the after-effects to subside. Do what you need to do to get there.

SSIL75

Pádraic

Anna

Padraic, it's wonderful to see you here, though I wish you were feeling much better.

Prayers for you to find the clarity to stop drinking, and all the best for 2012.

jocata

Friend, there are support groups you can learn about here that are of tremendous help. I go to AA meetings, talk with a sponser, read and post here daily, and pray. I'm at day 36 and am going through some pretty miserable post acute symptoms and depression. It is definately not easy, but the alcoho will kill you. Wishing you the best.
God bless.

Surlyredhead

Pádraic


I am glad you are here. You know that we are so much alike and through the last few years, I have come to consider you a friend. Please understand that I say this with only concern and love.....if you were closer to where I live, I would find you and give you a much needed kick in the a**, and a HARD one at that!! Then I wouyld give you a hug and tell you that you CAN change that stinking bahavior. You said that you can't seem to raise the desire to fight anymore.......

........Pádraic.....it is time to GIVE UP...STOP fighting and GIVE UP!! Alcohol won....we are powerless over it. Just admit you are powerless over alcohol, and that your life has become unmanageable. That is the first step.....don't fight with alcohol, let it go....it has more power over us that we can handle....walk away from the fight and walk towards recovery......after a few miserable days detoxing, your mind will start to clear up. You know what I am saying is ture....Pádraic, you are worth recovery and a good life. I have lost more people than I care to remember to this f'n disease. I don't want you to be in that group.

As always I am here, and so is everyone else....you CAN do this...

Cathy

tanja

Padraic,

We are all here to support you. Please fight for your life. Alcoholism is a truly terrible way to live. You are not alone.

CaiHong

Hi Padriac,
Welcome to the forum. The alcohol is making you miserable. When my best friend pointed out that I may have to give up drinking I panicked I thought that alcohol was the only thing keeping me together. What an illusion. Seven months on, I am in a much better head space than I can remember. You can get there as wel.

All the best
CaiHong

Hevyn

The good news is that you made your way back to us, Padraic. You've known for a long time what needs to happen - maybe now you are finally ready. Please hold on for dear life and fight back - you can make it out of hell.

I felt exactly the way you describe just before I admitted I had to give it up or lose my life. I was drinking round the clock, keeping one by my bed so I wouldn't shake if I woke up. I wasn't happy or high. Just terrifyingly numb and zombie-like. I was desperate to not let go of it, but why? It was nothing but misery to me in the end.

Let's try this again, Padraic. This can be the last time you ever feel this horrible. You can rise up out of this and never look back.

EmeraldRose

I was just thinking about you this week wondering how you were...I'm sorry you are struggling. Please stay and try again. That's all I can say, you know what the deal is.