bayliss

My sobriety didn't last too long...I relapsed tonight.

But something that my boyfriend said, well - it freaked me out...now I am contemplating on pouring an entire bottle of wine down the sink.

We used to be drinking buddies...he could stop whenever he wanted to though. He could go a month without drinking if he wanted to...he was just one of those people that weren't addicted...
I was the one that always brought the booze to the house though and since it was there, naturally he would drink some to unwind from the days stresses and such.

I am ashamed that I asked him to bring a bottle home...but we didn't drink much...and I feel guilty about it...
We just went to bed and he said to me "I don't want to do this anymore...I need to grow up."

This seriously struck a chord with me.
I technically am to blame...what if he is becoming addicted? I don't want him to suffer as I have. I want him to be healthy and so happy.
I - for whatever reason - began to panic. I thought he wasn't feeling well or something and my OCD goes into overdrive so I thought 'what if we had a bad batch of wine'...

I am seriously done.
He is way more important to me than booze.
And as much as I have sat there and let myself destroy myself and relapse time and time again....well, I can't watch him do that.
And in order to help him...and in order for him to help me - we need to support one another.
He didn't outright say anything....so I can't say that he thinks he has an alcohol problem or not...
But this is just not worth it.

I think I have finally hit rock bottom. I had a couple glasses of wine...I am scared and emotional and I have finally realized...it IS all or nothing...but that all or nothing approach can't be the booze. It HAS to be sobriety.
So as much as I had my sober time here and there, "relapsed" and thought to myself at times that I will start after NYE.
That isn't an option anymore. It's going to start now.

My alcoholism has really affected a lot of people around me.
And a lot of people were right -- I was selfish and egotistical.
I did think I was untouchable and "fine"...
And I never was.
I need to start taking care of myself - loving myself...and taking care of those that love me and loving them back as much as I can and them getting the love they deserve.

This is the first time I have felt like this.
That is why I think things will be different.

bayliss

Ps. I will be pouring that entire new bottle of wine down the sink - and giving away the Moet & Chandon I got for Christmas from a friend for NYE.

ovrock

With as partner like yours, I am sure you gonna be ok. Stay strong!!!

bayliss

Thank you Ovrock....I always thought he was against me. He does do some things that irk me, and might be considered tough love to some and just plain "meanness" to others.
But in the past he gave me ultimatums...and this time he made me realize that I don't want this, just as much as he doesn't.

ovrock

We all irk our partners from time to time. I am talented at that. But I view this as not only an opportunity at sobriety, but also an opportunity for you two to do something together, work at something together. He could only be more supportive and respectful to you... Atleast so I see it...

bayliss

Thanks, that means a lot. And it is true. I really think this time it is different. I want to care for him and see him healthy and happy. And I am more than sure that he wants the same for me. So it's a perfect opportunity to be there for one another and to get healthy together.

Dee74

Hi Bayliss

I really hope this can be a turning point for you - but I still think recovery is an internal thing....we have to do it for ourselves, not for anyone else.

what happens if your bf were to change his mind about not drinking - would you still be determined to stay sober regardless?

D

bayliss

Hello Dee,

I really do think it's a turning point...if my boyfriend decided that he didn't want to stop drinking, I really don't think it would change my mind. I would still want to try and help him as much as I can and than at that point say it isn't a good idea to start. I think it really will help me.
And as much as I do want to help him...it really resonated with me.
Maybe I kept drinking because he drank...who knows.

He made me realize tonight though that it really is an unhealthy and scary habit.
No one would say "I need to quit eating that cheesecake - I need to grow up" (lol)...so when I heard that...I can't really explain.
I got a bit frightened. I still am.

He just freaked me out -- I am still wondering if he isn't feeling well or something and I am staying up to just watch over him.

I know I wanted to do this for myself...and have for a while - just never did.
I now know that I HAVE to do this for myself -- if I don't, than I cannot help anyone else.
And if I keep only loving the booze - than I can't love myself or anyone else either.

As scary as it seems to me at the moment - I am optimistic.
I am happy that it has FINALLY HIT me. I was waiting for it...and it never happened in the past.

Dee74

good for you Bayliss!

D

Exploring

Oh bay. I am drawn to your posts. You are so young. I don't mean that as an insult. But bay? You have to want sobriety for yourself. Regardless of what your bf chooses. You aren't one bay. You are two distinct individuals. ((((bay))))

bayliss

I know Exploring - we aren't one - you're right.
But it is possible for someone to say something where some part of you finally "snaps"...or rather the lightbulb goes off?

I don't know, for some reason it feels different. In the past he gave me ultimatums and threatened to break it off and nothing ever phased me...for some reason this really did.

I am beginning to get tired.
He doesn't seem sick like I initially thought. He is sleeping like a baby.

It might be time for me to hit the hay and start this journey once and for all with no excuses.

And don't worry Exploring - I did not take that as an insult at all. As a compliment more so.
I am beginning to feel old. :P

Exploring

Bay - I read your posts and understand. You are so young though and have your whole life ahead of you. Alcohol will rob you of your youth and your life ultimately. You are ahead of the game in trying to figure things out NOW. I know you love your bf and it is hard to picture a life without him. You must do what's best for you and let him do what is best for him. Co-dependency is tough... BUT someone must break the cycle. I am old enough to be your mom and I see such potential in you. It takes a huge leap of faith. I know you are scared. Feel the fear and do it anyway.* Let your family help you. Reach out beyond SR. Your future is bright bay.

bayliss

You are right. I know we have to do it for ourselves. I think I just find a bit of strength in seeing and knowing that the boyfriend KNOWS that he has to stop...he knows what the consequences will be if he continues and I chose to ignore them in the past.
Does it make sense when I say that I just found it inspiring? Found a little more courage in myself to look deeper and realize that it just can't go any further than it has (although it is possible that it may -- I obviously don't want it to happen as you said, I have my entire life ahead of me).

Thanks for such kind words and saying you see potential in me. It means a lot to me...it really does.
I am beginning to see the actual light at the end of the tunnel.

DarrenW

Seems like a codependent, toxic relationship to me. How you will get sober in the environment you have descibed will be a mystery to me. Having said that- what do I know other than I am pulling very much for you. U deserve some happiness!

bayliss

I don't agree with you Darren - it may be toxic at times but what relationship isn't...
I have admitted in the past that a lot of the times I say things and I take full responsibility for my actions - whilst blaming my bf.
I have been with this man for nearly five years, and as much as it may not be "perfect" whose relationship is?
Codependant? Possible.
Doesn't mean I don't love him. Because I really do.

But thank you for pulling for me & saying I deserve happiness, that is very sweet and I appreciate it.

I know the bf will help me.
Instead of making excuses as I have in the past...and realized after reading books like "under the influence" and such that I just make excuses all the time to him and there are those broken promises...well he is still there for me.
After all I have put him through with my alcoholism, he is still there for me.

Fandy

I hope you do what you are saying. but placing so much importance on the BF and your relationship is smothering for both of you.

you need to put yourself first. and I think he does that for himself....he said to you...HE doesn't want to do this anymore...putting himself front and center. I hope you can see that and do not build up expectations for something that is not there.

DayTrader

Maybe you're right......maybe this time you do have more willpower than before. Maybe this time you honestly really do want to stop and that desire will work out for you. We all need a reason to quit. I DO NOT believe one can ONLY quit for one's self. I didn't...not really anyway. While I knew it was best for me to stop, I already hated myself so much that I didn't really care what happened to me (to a degree). I was, however, VERY sick and tired of all the damage I was causing to everyone around me.....all the worrying I was the source of, all the bending-over-backward everyone had to do to try to make ME feel comfortable, etc. So, in a way, I suppose I did "quit for me" but a big motivator was so I'd no longer be responsible for hurting others.

Just understand.....for a real alcoholic, all the desire in the WORLD will have no lasting effect in avoiding the next "first drink" and, once those first couple drinks hit the lips, for an alcoholic, it's usually game on!

As you go through this current process of quitting, I'll challenge you to try to watch yourself, your actions, and your thoughts from an objective standpoint. Kinda.....study yourself as you go. The more you can objectively watch your actions the more insight you'll gain into just what it is you're fighting here - a drinking problem - which is simply solved by "not drinking," or alcoholism - which is solved by core recovery.

DayTrader

I've found and I've seen that RECOVERY has very little to do with one's environment. When I believed MY recovery was dependent upon what everyone else did, said, thought and how they treated me......I continued to get drunk.

Recovery, from what I've ever seen, is based upon the actions the person IN RECOVERY is taking, not what anyone else around them is doing.


--as a side note, I'm not here to give relationship advice. I don't believe I know the orig. poster, her boyfriend, or their situation well enough to do so......nor do I think I'm qualified to give relationship advice. What I am qualified to talk about is alcoholism and recovering from it.

langkah

Good deal, hope this new feeling about what you want to happen will make things work out better.

Why not post a little something after you carry through on your decision to pour the hooch down the drain. You mentioned a new feeling that you wanted to make that happen.

Fandy

question??? Is the wine down the sink and the other out the door? out of sight, out of mind (or at least out of reach)