Desperately seeking sound advice and support
 

Hi there,

I am new to this site and actually stumbled upon it while trying to do some internet research on coping with alcoholic denial and blame. Here is my story:
Fifteen months ago I met a fantastic guy, he was vibrant, fun-loving and very attentive and giving. It did not take me long to realize that he drank too much. He told me that he had a recent DUI, and I did nto want to be quick to judge, but after a couple of months I realized that he had a serious drinking problem. I confronted him after dating for a couple of months and he agreed to try to get some help. I even found out that he had multiple DUI's and a long history of alcohol abuse.

In April of 2011 he came to my home un announced and began to drink and became violent ( which was the only time I had seen him like this) so I called 911 for help. He got in his car and was subsequently pulled over for a felony DUI ( because of the number of DUI's). SO for almost nine months he has been fighting legally the Felony charge and possible prison time.

During this time, he has been on an alcohol monitoring device so he has been forced to be sober.

He originally admitted to being an alcoholic and said he wanted a better life, realizing he may have lost everything. I have been supportive and been there for him. However, he recently admitted that he plans on drinking when all of this is over.

I am standing up to him and letting him know that I love him and pray for him, but that we have no future unless he realizes his problem and remains sober. he says that he likes who he is, regardless of his past, and that alcohol is a part of who he is. He now blames me for not loving him unconditionally. He blames me for his last DUI, because I called 911.

He is in denial, is this because he is having a relapse moment, and is not allowed to drink, or is he just someone that has not yet, or may never hit rock bottom?

Thanks to any of you who take the time to hear my story!

An alcohol monitoring device is not recovery, it is just a means to keep him abstinent. If he says he is going to drink, I'd take him at his word.

You knew in the first months he was a problem drinker. You've been dealing with this over a year. How much longer?

You can't control his recovery. It's time, maybe, to work on yours.

(((Cincy))) - Welcome to SR! I've been on both sides of the alcoholism/addict fence - was in 3 relationships with alcoholics/addicts, developed my own addiction, and now am in recovery from both (including codependency).

I agree with ((Carl)) - staying clean/sober because we're being monitored is not recovery. It usually leaves the A (alcoholic/addict) angry and lashing out or blaming others, as he is blaming you for his DUI.

We have a forum filled with people in your situation:

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

You're not alone and reading how others have dealt with it helped me a lot.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Ah, the primal attractiveness of the alcoholic...the Rebel, the Dangerous Man, the Man Balanced on the Razor's Edge...He's unpredictable in word and action, he's a man capable of extremes of behavior-both good and bad, the most challenging wild thing ever to try to domesticate and keep inside on your couch forever.

But, maybe best left to run free.

I'm sorry to hear what you are going thru. The best thing for the both of you at this point is for you to walk away. Good job on calling the police. Who knows he may have hit a family while driving and took them out.
Wishing you the best.
God bless.

Never wanted to domesticate, but you are right, probably best to run free!

Hi and welcome Cincy :)

You'll find a lot of support here - do click the link Impurrfect gave you as well :)

I think anytime someones been violent towards you, blaming you for calling the cops, and not looking at their own actions - and plans to drink again....it's time to have a serious think about whether this relationship is the right one for you.

I think you're making the right choice to detach - I wish you the best :)

D

His drinking has already had severe consequences. Losing you is yet another. Either it's the one that finally causes him to realize he's out of control or you're just another casualty of his addiction. Good on ya for not falling into codependency. Until he choses sobriety for himself and isn't forced into it, he will not recover.

Just my opinion, but if you were my daughter asking for advice I would tell you to leave.

Yes, I am another casualty. As for the co-depency thing, I am trying to get out before it gets worse for me, I am already heart broken. I even told him, I am an acceptable loss.

If I were my own daughter I would tell myself the same thing. Thanks!

I have a daughter, and I did tell her the same thing!

Cincy, it's pretty clear that you are sitting on the tracks, and there's a train coming. I think you should get off the tracks.

Cincy, consider it a break up. It's sad that he's leaving you for alcohol but he's basically telling you that it's not working out and that it's not you, it's him.

You may have stopped him from hurting anoter person! I wish you a wonderful life!

I hope you find some peace in your life. :)

Hi cindy. I was in a simular position and i was given this bit of advice which has saved my life.
Save yourself