Brainsoup

So its day 17 now and i honestly dont know what to do or think anymore. I dont know how to be myself because when i am myself i put people off. I am manic depressive. not sure if its just because im withdrawing (does that still happen after 17 days of sobriety) or if im just a broken soul. My life has gotten better because i can actually feel now but my highs are freaking high and my lows are hella low. right now im low. I have been praying for mainly 1 thing so far. That god helps me relate to people because honestly i feel so alone all the time... even when im with people. its like people are wierded out by me. I feel like i bring everyone around me down and i dont know what to do about it. People in the rooms keep telling me god will know what to do about it. I pray every night and moring and always add a prayer to be able to enjoy time with people. i know its not gunna happen overnight but im terrified it will never happen. Im scared im just a lone soul. I have seen improvements in the past few days in that i dont feel like im going to have a panic attack around people but thats only when im feeling good. When im feeling depressed i feel a complete idiot and have nothing to add to social situations. I cant even walk up to a person in that state. also, Sometimes im sure im an alcoholic and other times i feel like i dont belong in the rooms. I got a job so this whole manic depressive thing is going to be a bitch to deal with at work. I really hope I will get better with time.

Frankie12

Hi brainsoup,

Congrats with day 17!!

Question: How do you think you put people off by being yourself?

Brainsoup

Cause i cant match their emotions if that makes any sense. And when i see them being all normal it pisses me off cause i cant do that. JEALOUSY IS MY WORST ENEMY! Im jealous of almost everyone i meet...

PS. Currently going insane in my room blasting dubstep into my face

GirlFromCO

Hi BrainSoup,

I'm sorry you are going through a rough patch right now. Are you in treatment for your bipolar symptoms? Medicines and therapy can help you learn how to cope and overcome your problems. If you're already in treatment, it might be a good idea to talk to your Dr. about what's going on. Hang in there.

Frankie12

I love your Av. I am a big admirer of Mohandas Gandhi, you know.

Been to Hilton Head too, once or twice,...ok. twice. Beautiful place!

Went sea-kayaking in the inter coastal waterway... saw sea turtles and baby dolphins...I will never forget that.

Tigger41

Hey there. I remember between days 16-23 or so my emotions were all over the place and even I didn't know who I was. It calmed down by day 28 or so and has gotten steadily better (I'm at day 55).

Hang in there it gets better.

RobbyRobot

Hi Brainsoup,

Good to hear your life has gotten better even though more intense. Seventeen days is still early enough to yet be coming to emotional and mental terms with your new sobriety. Have patience. I was three months sober and I was still coming to major understandings of my new life both with myself and with other people. We learn by experience and so that takes time of course.

Manic depression is a mental illness all of its own and so are you being helped professionally with that? We do have some depression while getting sober and that alcoholic depression should pass as you progress through your early sobriety.

I'm glad to hear you've seen improvements and not having panic attacks when around people. I would not be too worried that things wont keep getting better, I'm sure they will continue to improve for you progressively as you become more adjusted to living without alcohol.

Prayer works well and did for me too. I often felt as what you have described as a broken soul. Very lonely even when around people, yes I relate to thaty in my early sobriety.

Don't worry. Things will improve as you continue with your sobery journey. Being in the rooms can bring a range of weird experiences ranging from good to bad and yet at the end of the day very helpful in understanding your sobriety so stick with that through the ups and downs of working the steps and being with the fellowship.

Hope things continue to improve for you Brainsoup and congratulations on your sobriety!

RobbyRobot

Maybe personally exactly matching their emotions is not the needed thing to do for you right now, you know? If your manic depression is eventually managed properly you should be able to feel satisfied and happy enough in social or other situtions and ocassions.

Brainsoup

Thanks ya'll. I went to a meeting and feel a lot better now. They keep telling me that manic depression is a symptom of early sobriety and that they have been there. I dunno if i got a serious mental illness or if its just the early sobriety thats got me acting crazy.
Ive said this before but i dont want to rely on a substance (legal or not) to feel happy or "normal". Isnt that the definition of addiction?
Regardless I do not have a doc yet but im going on Jan 4 to see a doc that specializes in addictions and a whole mess of mental disorders from ADHD to Bipolar to Schizophrenia. Im worried im going to misdiagnosed but imma try to be as honest with him as possible to prevent that.

jocata

I am at day 32 and my emotions are all over the place. I've heard people in meetings say that they were like this for their first year or so. I have also read that we can suffer from the post acute withdrawal symptoms for up to two years. It's our brains returning to normal. Although that may not make it any easier when we are in the middle of it, at least we know it will get better as time goes on. At 32 days sober i'm definately better than I was the first two weeks or so.
God bless.

Dee74

I think it's definitely best to get a diagnosis, brainsoup.

I've seen a lot of people not do themselves any favours by self diagnosing themselves with bipolar (what we used to call manic depression) when it's not that all...or vice versa.

If you disagree with the Dr's diagnosis, it's probably best to cross that bridge when you come to it - you can always get a second opinion

D

Dee74

I rely on several medications to enable me to have the best quality of life I can.

I follow my physicians instructions to the letter, I never take over the prescribed dose, and I only take the medication for the purpose it was prescribed.

I've taken drugs 'recreationally' before - for years.
I know the difference between that drug use and what I do now

D

DanielR9

Hi Brainsoup, Have you tried listening to relaxation music or bodyscanning. I was a sceptic but it workked because i stopped thinking about me. I am only 13 days sober after 2 yrs sobriety. The only way i could convince myself that i was an alcoholic is That i could not garantee my behaviour after 1 drink. I hope this helps a little and be positive that you are 17 dats sober,what a miracle

sugarbear1

early recovery mimics bipolar disorder. keep staying sober. give time a bit more time & see if you feel the same, maybe

1undone

Hi there Brain!

For me, I was self medicating my bi-polar disorder with alcohol. Sometimes it's hard to know what came first. I too like Dee rely on medications to have a good quality of life. This for me isn't about addiction, it's about not feeling Tortured everday by my emotional shifts.

Only a doctor can discern what's real mental illness and what is withdrawal related and could dissipate with time. It's all about past behavior, family history, etc. These are things that need to be sorted through by a doctor.

I do know that no matter what medication, etc. I was on, when I drank with it, it made the black outs worse and the medications didn't work.

I hope you start feeling more comfortable in your skin. I am still working on that and I've been here and in AA since May. Try not to be impatient with yourself. I know some people in the rooms who are still learning a lot and have 20+ yrs under their belt. I guess we learn all our lives.

There is no magic words or pills to make you socialize or feel better. You will have to practice. And maybe most of what you can do right now with others is just be a good listener. I spend a lot of time in my study these days because frankly I don't want to be around people very much. I have learned that I am an introvert but I tried to cover that up with alcohol. There is nothing wrong with being this type of person. Bottom line is don't compare yourself to others and appreciate who you are.

Take care!

soberlicious

You are right brainsoup...there are many, many things that you have mentioned that can interfere with the ability to have succesful social interactions. Beyond what you noted, I have worked with many with Asperger's Syndrome who also experience confusion/frustration in social situations. I am glad that you are going to the doc and agree with others that a diagnosis is helpful to begin treating these issues. That said, I am personally careful about allowing a diagnosis to become too much of my self-identity (ie I am this or I am that) The important think for me is addressing the behaviors that are problematic for me. It is not really the "disorder" that needs to be treated per se it's the related behaviors that are interefering with quality of life that can be successfully modified.
YAY on your sober time!

wheresthefun

Especially when you are SELF diagnosing!!!!!!!!!!! HUGE mistake.

That said, congrats on the 18 days!

Itchy

Good for you! You do want to rule out any issues there as well as get yourself sober. I too felt all over the place for my first three months, lacking patience and being testy one minute and putting off a stranger in a store then in the next wondering why I did that? My emotions were also all over the place.

It turned out to be withdrawal for me, but I had two or three Docs in on my detox and withdrawals. As Dee and several others said the drinking could have been masking a problem, or creating it. You will be glad you went.

comanche

I also suffer from some pretty severe mood swings, which can happen very rapidly and can be triggered by a thought, a song, or something else. I beat myself up a lot because often when I'm in the "high" state, I feel like I have life all figured out, and everything is just going to be great from now on. And then it's not, and I come back down, first to normal, and then usually to depression which can go on for days.

I'm trying to not beat myself up so much and just be gentle, if I'm manic, enjoy the feelings of energy and adrenalin, but don't make any big decisions or spend a lot of money. And depression is tougher, because sometimes when I'm depressed everything just seems so futile and meaningless, and that perception can feel so real. So I'm trying to also just learn to ride those out without doing something destructive to myself or others. One benefit of being sober over the past 9 months is getting a much better grasp of the biological rhythms of my own body, without interference from chemicals.

CaiHong

Hi Brainsoup,

I just want to say thanks Dee for pointing out that Bi-Polar was once termed manic depressive. I never new that and I thought I knew everything. Many years ago I described my mood swings to a shrink informally at a mediatation course I was attending she told me offhandedly that I was manic depressive. Now as I sit here a lot of things are falling into place.
This thread is a bit of a revelation to me. The last week or so my moods would be best described as flat. My mood swings have levelled out. The alcohol really enhanced the highs and the lows. I have been thinking for the last week what is going on. I am coming out of a low into a high I feel something shifting changing. This is good it, is not manic it is more subtle I am in control it feels "good" even the low is OK.

Brainsoup I don't mean to highjack this thread but you have really triggered something important for me and I need to put down the feelings immediately, to understand them and not lose them. I have been wanting to start a new thread to talk about my feelings but I didn't know what I was feeling or how to begin to express it up until now.

Brainsoup I am much better at meetings than I was before, I think I would come across as crazy effusive to well meaning distracted. I certainly belong in the rooms, the people in the rooms are my mirrors. You are OK, the moods will settle down, you have to be patient. What is dubstep? is it an acne cream?

From the bottom of my heart you really helped me,I have been reading posts half heartedly for a while and nothing stuck with me or felt relevent to me at this time in my sobriety this one has opened a gate of emotion.

CaiHong