allenm

Hey all,
Just needed to get some advice, as my new wife of 2 yrs. can't trust me anymore. This is due to my inability to handle alcohol when I drink. You see, I become verbally abusive (Jerk)when I drink too much, and my off button doesn't seem to work. I told her that I would stop drinking but have stupidly gone behind her back and she caught me more than once in the last couple of yrs. I don't know how to repair this, or if I can. I truly love her, but she can't trust me. Do I need alcohol counseling or marriage counseling, or both? I am now sleeping in the guest room starting tonight. This really sucks. She just came down stairs and stated that she is tired of being the adult in our relationship and suggested that if I wanted to drink, please do it in the guest room so that she doesn't have to deal with me being a jerk. She said that I got what I want, the alcohol. Please help me with some advice, I don't want to lose her!!!

camedown

How many times in the past have you made the drink a priority over your wife? How many other things important in your life have you pushed aside to make room for a bottle? Focusing on questions like these isn't easy, but these are the hard questions that will help you decide if you are an alcoholic and need to commit to quitting. I think the fact that you posting from a guest room that you might need some help, and maybe a deep introspective look into what are truly your priorities. There is an AA saying that "if I don't put my sobriety first, I must prepare myself to lose everything." Think about whether this is a point in your life that the bottle must be put aside for good in favor of the woman you love. I wish you all the best.


camedown

Sapling

Let me see if I get this...Your wife doesn't trust you...You can't handle alcohol and become a jerk when you drink....You told her you quit and drink behind her back and lie about it for two years. You got caught...More than once and ended up in the guest room. You don't know how to repair this...Or if you can.
You don't know how to repair this?....Or you don't want to repair this...My advice to you would be to quit for good or pack your bags...Because the street comes right after the guest room. How do I know this? I chose alcohol over my Ex-Wife of 17 years. You need to get some help and you need to stop for good. Gain her trust back and get your life back...AA worked for me because I got to the point I had to worry about losing my life...The wife was already gone. I don't know if it will work for you...But I'd at least try it....Or anything else for that matter. This is a nasty disease...The fact you even have to consider needing advice proves that. Good luck to you.

artsoul

Hi allenm and welcome!

That's a tough situation, but you're not alone. Most of us have had to suffer some consequences before we were willing to take a look at our drinking.

Just from what you've said, I think you're in the right place..... Have you ever tried to stop drinking? It's a scary proposition for most of us, but once you get used to it, living sober is amazing.

Keep reading and posting - this is a great community!

ttbp

Hi and welcome

xx

jocata

Hi Allen and welcome. I have broken my wife's trust many times over the years. I don't know why she has stayed with me. When her and I met over ten years ago I had a very solid foundation in sobriety. Since then I have I have struggled to maintain sobriety because I stopped doing the things that kept me sober, such as praying, going to AA meetings, talking to a sponser, and working the twelve steps of AA. Now I am back in the program and trying to get my life back. It's not easy, and there are days when I don't know if her and I will make it, but I want to stay sober no matter what.
If you think you are alcoholic, you will need some help other than your will power. That alone did not keep me from using alcohol or drugs. A program like AA is vital in recovery. This online community has been a huge help for me also. Tons of great support here.
Best wishes and
God bless.

Jitterbugg

My relationship of six years ended due to my drinking. My GF said the same things about me becoming a mean and belligerent person. I started lying and hiding bottles. She lost all trust in me and the relationship imploded. Your marriage will end if you don't address your drinking. That I can say with certainty.

soberwingz

Allenm..thanks for sharing.

It sounds to me that you have some decisions to make. I think you can either decide to continue your relationship with alcohol or be divorced. It will be that simple.

I too was very verbally abusive when I drank. My wife didn't want to be any where near me when I drank. Sometimes I would get so mean she would leave and get a hotel. My relationship with alcohol was an atomic bomb over what was otherwise a pretty damn good marriage.

I am lucky though...I quit and found recovery. I am living a life I one time thought was impossible. Free of the fighting, resentment, self loathing.There was a time in my drinking career when I could never imagine a life without drinking..I thought it defined me and gave me courage. That turned out to be total BS and a lie factory compliments of the booze.

Be fair to your wife. If you intend to continue drinking, let her know so that she can move on and live the life she has imagined.

Thanks again for sharing. Read the posts here and do know that we all struggle with this thing. Keep us posted.

MarylandRick

Hi allen and welcome.

Your situation sounds a lot like many of ours. On more than one occasion I heard my wife ask me to choose her or alcohol. I would sober up just long enough to keep her around and then go back to drinking. Fortunately I quit before our marriage fell apart but I believe it was closer to being over than I could have ever imagined. I have been sober for 5 months and if nothing else, I can be honest with her about my whereabouts and what I am doing and whether or not I have been drinking. It is a huge relief.

You asked for advice. I think you already know what to do, you just need to really want to do it.

Congratulations on recognizing you need adiction counseling or another form of support. So what are you going to do about it now?

munchkin05

Hi Allen,
You've gotten a lot of good answers here so I don't have much to say other than welcome.
And, yes. You will have to choose at this point.

1. Divorce yourself from your relationship with your wife.
   OR
2. Divorce yourself from your relation with alcohol.

I've learned over time that if I choose to even consume the slightest amount then I'm fully choosing that path. So I've had to make the decision, which seems so simple and yet the nature of the addiction makes it so dang tough, to choose my husband, my son, my life over my old pal alcohol which, when I'm 60 years old will leave me with nothing but a used up old body, sickened by abuse. It's completely up to you. Which is more important?

I know it's easier said then done. WE ALL KNOW THAT HERE. We've all been there.:ghug3

Zebra1275

Welcome!

You have been cheating on your wife with another lover. That lover is alcohol. You don't need marriage counseling, you need AA.

Deserto

Hi Allen, and welcome!

Sorry to hear about your troubles. I noticed that in your post you didn't mention that you wanted to quit drinking -- only that you'd told your wife you'd do so. So my question for you is, do you want to quit drinking? Or do you just want things to be smoothed over with the wife? There's a big difference.

You'll find lots of good support here on SR, either way. Keep posting and let us know how it goes!

FT

My guess is that part of you is as happy as a teenager who just got grounded. There is a certain satisfaction to having gotten away with "stuff" for a long time, and it is almost "worth" the punishment.

But you are a big boy now.

Ditch the childish behavior and either drink deliberately like an adult, or make the decision to be a non-drinker and really mean it. If you don't, you're just prolonging the inevitable and torturing both yourself and your wife. I hope there aren't kids around yet to see this.

FT

newby1961

Now this post says it all. In my experience when I tried to quit for another person it may have worked for a few weeks, but I never stayed stopped.
I only quit when every fiber of my being cryed out for help and I could no longer stand life with or without alcohol. I was at my bottom and only then did I surrender and seek help. Do your wife a favor if you are not ready to quit pack your bags, because it is not fair to her or you to keep living in a marriage that is based on a lie. She will eventually resent you beyond repair if this keeps up. I am talking from experience and from listening to other members of AA for the last 8 years. Try to remember we are sick people trying to get better, not bad people trying to get good. Come join us, it is a beautiful life.

choublak

How have you responded to her when she would address your excessive drinking?

DisplacedGRITS

Seek professional help. Suggest she check out Alanon. Individual counseling for you and couples counseling for both of you can only help. Making that first step will help prove to you and her that you want to quit. Don't just quit for her. Quit for yourself. For your life. You are worthy of sobriety.

Dee74

Hi allen

I think the bottom line here is you need to choose between alcohol and your marriage.
I chose alcohol over my relationships - and more than once.

I really suggest you don't do that.

I really hope you make better choices than I did

D