Time to vent
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Baton Rouge, LA
Posts: 6
Time to vent
First post, here goes nothing.
Today I am 72 days sober. I went to an inpatient recovery center, and although I signed a form that said I was there of my own free will, I most definitely was not. I work for my dad and his business partner and my job was threatened. Sure I could have refused, but I have an opportunity to inherit the business and I didn't want to throw it away over drinking.
Drinking has had some consequences for me as well as some benefits. I have not reached the point where drinking is no fun or I need it. However, I was arrested for DWI in July, and immediately before entering treatment I was in an accident the morning after drinking that was at least partially due to being hung over. I had never even tried quitting before leaving for rehab, and although I got some good counseling there on underlying issues, I can't shake the feeling that I easily could have done this without going. WOULD I have? I dunno.
I left rehab when my insurance cut me after 49 days, voluntarily moved into a halfway house and enrolled in an outpatient program. I did it because I wanted to follow my counsellors recommendations, after all he really did help me feel comfortable with myself as a person, and dad offered to foot the bill so... Why not?
I have not done jack as far as step work, and certainly have not turned my will over to any higher power other than complying with the demand that I check into palmetto and then following through with IOP. I go to 2-3 meetings a week but honestly don't feel I need them. I have not had anything like a drinking crisis, in fact it didn't even cross my mind at all until recently.
Here's where I am at now: since leaving palmetto I have been a happier person for sure. I have saved a lot of money not drinking, and several very good things have happened. Most notably my license suspension was thrown out because the arresting officers did not show for the appeal hearing. I am enjoying my "recovery" if you can call it that.
But deep down I don't think this is recovery. For one thing I started all this for other people and not myself. It bothers the crap out of me that I have been labelled an alcoholic and it will never be appropriate for me to have a glass of wine around my family. And if this is white knuckling, my knuckles aren't very white. I don't feel like drinking at all and am enjoying getting my life together.
I resent the way people have treated me like a child or a cancer patient ever since I agreed to go. I can't stand the text messages of how proud people are of me and how healthy I look now. I look at pictures of myself from October and I look exactly the same for gods sake. I have thrown away all of my old friends and they are definitely hurt by it. And after spending the better part of three months surrounded by alcoholics and drug addicts who are fighting for their lives every day, I can't shake the feeling that I don't belong here and am making a mockery of them by pretending to be a recovering alcoholic as well. I think I was just an irresponsible 26 year old child who needed a reality check, and I got it, but it is infuriating that I have been branded for life. People at the Christmas party were hiding the alcohol. Talk about insulting.
Bleh. There's my rant. I completed a substance abuse eval which has been faxed to the DA's office which recommends a year without drinking. I will do that. But every day that goes by without feeling any kind of urge without having worked any steps is building and reinforcing the idea that I can take it or leave it of my own will. And I feel like after this year is up I will give the finger to everyone looking over my shoulder and have a glass of wine if I feel like it, or not, whatever... It's my decision.
Thanks for reading all that. I'm open to any feedback you are willing to give and will answer any questions.
Today I am 72 days sober. I went to an inpatient recovery center, and although I signed a form that said I was there of my own free will, I most definitely was not. I work for my dad and his business partner and my job was threatened. Sure I could have refused, but I have an opportunity to inherit the business and I didn't want to throw it away over drinking.
Drinking has had some consequences for me as well as some benefits. I have not reached the point where drinking is no fun or I need it. However, I was arrested for DWI in July, and immediately before entering treatment I was in an accident the morning after drinking that was at least partially due to being hung over. I had never even tried quitting before leaving for rehab, and although I got some good counseling there on underlying issues, I can't shake the feeling that I easily could have done this without going. WOULD I have? I dunno.
I left rehab when my insurance cut me after 49 days, voluntarily moved into a halfway house and enrolled in an outpatient program. I did it because I wanted to follow my counsellors recommendations, after all he really did help me feel comfortable with myself as a person, and dad offered to foot the bill so... Why not?
I have not done jack as far as step work, and certainly have not turned my will over to any higher power other than complying with the demand that I check into palmetto and then following through with IOP. I go to 2-3 meetings a week but honestly don't feel I need them. I have not had anything like a drinking crisis, in fact it didn't even cross my mind at all until recently.
Here's where I am at now: since leaving palmetto I have been a happier person for sure. I have saved a lot of money not drinking, and several very good things have happened. Most notably my license suspension was thrown out because the arresting officers did not show for the appeal hearing. I am enjoying my "recovery" if you can call it that.
But deep down I don't think this is recovery. For one thing I started all this for other people and not myself. It bothers the crap out of me that I have been labelled an alcoholic and it will never be appropriate for me to have a glass of wine around my family. And if this is white knuckling, my knuckles aren't very white. I don't feel like drinking at all and am enjoying getting my life together.
I resent the way people have treated me like a child or a cancer patient ever since I agreed to go. I can't stand the text messages of how proud people are of me and how healthy I look now. I look at pictures of myself from October and I look exactly the same for gods sake. I have thrown away all of my old friends and they are definitely hurt by it. And after spending the better part of three months surrounded by alcoholics and drug addicts who are fighting for their lives every day, I can't shake the feeling that I don't belong here and am making a mockery of them by pretending to be a recovering alcoholic as well. I think I was just an irresponsible 26 year old child who needed a reality check, and I got it, but it is infuriating that I have been branded for life. People at the Christmas party were hiding the alcohol. Talk about insulting.
Bleh. There's my rant. I completed a substance abuse eval which has been faxed to the DA's office which recommends a year without drinking. I will do that. But every day that goes by without feeling any kind of urge without having worked any steps is building and reinforcing the idea that I can take it or leave it of my own will. And I feel like after this year is up I will give the finger to everyone looking over my shoulder and have a glass of wine if I feel like it, or not, whatever... It's my decision.
Thanks for reading all that. I'm open to any feedback you are willing to give and will answer any questions.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,436
Welcome PinkClouded 
I wasn't branded for life - I was glad of the second chance I got, I made real changes in my life, and eventually people responded to the person I'd become, not the person I was.
Sounds to me like you're determined to stay the person you were?
D
I wasn't branded for life - I was glad of the second chance I got, I made real changes in my life, and eventually people responded to the person I'd become, not the person I was.
Sounds to me like you're determined to stay the person you were?
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Baton Rouge, LA
Posts: 6
Hey D. I guess you could say I'm not convinced that the person I was/am needed to be changed entirely. I definitely needed to grow up and have direction and purpose in my life, but I am not sold that my life was completely out of hand and requiring a massive overhaul... If that makes sense.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
I went to rehab to save my career... I sure as sh1t didn't want to be there.
My experience has been that denial is an easy place to go, I didn't lose everything... house, wife, kids, car, career.... still got that stuff...
Funny, though, in your introduction... Words like "Court" "DA" "DWI" ... And friends going out of their way to text you... how good you look now... Sounds like you were goin' down... no?
Welcome to SR!! Keep posting....
My experience has been that denial is an easy place to go, I didn't lose everything... house, wife, kids, car, career.... still got that stuff...
Funny, though, in your introduction... Words like "Court" "DA" "DWI" ... And friends going out of their way to text you... how good you look now... Sounds like you were goin' down... no?
Welcome to SR!! Keep posting....
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,436
Sounds to me tho that what you were 'made' to do helped you a lot?
I was pretty upset at people in my life who tried to help me too - I actually ran away from my help - I resented them a lot because I didn't think I needed much changing besides not drinking.
I'm glad I did eventually many years later make those changes tho cos my life is million times better for it.
I see now that people acted out of love and concern for me - I don't resent them anymore...reading your post I think maybe you have a lot of love and concern there too PinkClouded?
D
I was pretty upset at people in my life who tried to help me too - I actually ran away from my help - I resented them a lot because I didn't think I needed much changing besides not drinking.
I'm glad I did eventually many years later make those changes tho cos my life is million times better for it.
I see now that people acted out of love and concern for me - I don't resent them anymore...reading your post I think maybe you have a lot of love and concern there too PinkClouded?
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Baton Rouge, LA
Posts: 6
Yes, the legal consequences make a strong case that the drinking was becoming a problem. The drinking and driving was glaringly irresponsible and I have to live with the consequences of that. I am very thankful I didn't hurt anyone. But I am seriously grappling with the stigma and the idea that I just can't drink ever. It feels great to be having fun without drinking, having new friends to do those fun things with... But not being able to toast champagne at a wedding? Meh.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Baton Rouge, LA
Posts: 6
Yes D there were are a lot of people who love me and were very concerned when I had a DWI and an accident a few months apart. I don't resent them trying to help as much as them deciding whether or not I was an alcoholic FOR me before I even left... and not accepting any other possibility. It's not black or white with them, it's just black or black.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by PinkClouded03 
But I am seriously grappling with the stigma and the idea that I just can't drink ever.
The other, well, just don't drink just for today. I have done that everyday for over three years. I don't worry about tomorrow, but when it comes I'll just do it again.
Hey, I saw a WHOLE LOT in your post I identified with. Live in the day and don't worry about others and tomorrow... you have enough to do today.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,503
Hi PinkCloud,
It IS possible that the people who love you see something that you don't see. They have great concerns about your health and well-being. It could be that they are right.
It IS possible that the people who love you see something that you don't see. They have great concerns about your health and well-being. It could be that they are right.
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
Hi PinkClouded! I know how you feel as far as being treated with kid gloves. My mom was especially bad and always looks terrified if the family has drinks with dinner. I finally told her that I was uncomfortable with her behavior and that she was making me feel isolated and like a burden. It made me feel like she only saw her alcoholic daughter, not her daughter. After having a calm and frank talk with her, she backed off. My husband learned to do the same over the years. Being honest with your feelings with the people who know about your issues has worked well for me. Maybe it'll help you as well.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome, PinkClouded!
I can understand your feelings. I think it's great, though, that you have 72 days sober and things are going well. You're the one who has to come to terms with whether you an alcoholic or have that potential.
I started drinking at about 18 but it wasn't until I was in my early to mid 30's before I started noticing a change, something different in my relationship with alcohol. Before that, I would go out a couple weekends a month and not think anything of it the rest of the time. I was just doing what my friends did.
Looking back now, I see that there were differences - a lot of my friends were ready to go home after one or two or maybe three drinks, while I usually wanted to close the place down - I didn't have a built-in "I've had enough" response. It was hard to miss out on a party, even when I had other, more important things to do. I did and said things I wouldn't have if I were sober. I should have gotten a DUI at some point, too - I think I was just lucky. And the list goes on.............
Maybe I'm off base, but if you can "take it or leave it," would it be important what you had in your glass at a wedding toast? Just something to think about.......
This is a great community - I'm glad you're here!
I can understand your feelings. I think it's great, though, that you have 72 days sober and things are going well. You're the one who has to come to terms with whether you an alcoholic or have that potential.
I started drinking at about 18 but it wasn't until I was in my early to mid 30's before I started noticing a change, something different in my relationship with alcohol. Before that, I would go out a couple weekends a month and not think anything of it the rest of the time. I was just doing what my friends did.
Looking back now, I see that there were differences - a lot of my friends were ready to go home after one or two or maybe three drinks, while I usually wanted to close the place down - I didn't have a built-in "I've had enough" response. It was hard to miss out on a party, even when I had other, more important things to do. I did and said things I wouldn't have if I were sober. I should have gotten a DUI at some point, too - I think I was just lucky. And the list goes on.............
It feels great to be having fun without drinking, having new friends to do those fun things with... But not being able to toast champagne at a wedding? Meh.
This is a great community - I'm glad you're here!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Baton Rouge, LA
Posts: 6
Yes I had a long talk with my mom about all this tonight. She seemed upset and disappointed that I'm having issues with this. A lot of "oh... I thought you were past all this."
I love my mom very much but she is very cut and dry about this and has had her mind made up since I was a kid that I should never touch alcohol. It's hard to have a level discussion with her because she see no reason to drink. For anyone, ever.
I love my mom very much but she is very cut and dry about this and has had her mind made up since I was a kid that I should never touch alcohol. It's hard to have a level discussion with her because she see no reason to drink. For anyone, ever.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 56
Hi PinkClouded03,
You appear literate, articulate, intelligent and frustrated...
Hang around to see whether anything pops up which is useful. For example, perhaps some of the mothers on this board have a perspective which may help?
Best of luck.
You appear literate, articulate, intelligent and frustrated...
Hang around to see whether anything pops up which is useful. For example, perhaps some of the mothers on this board have a perspective which may help?
Best of luck.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
