foodie1

I'm flippin mad at my husband right now and I need a little input. We were minutes away from meeting up with some out of state friends for a post-Christmas hang out when I overheard the friend ask my husband on speakerphone if it would bug me if they drank. I asked husband about this and he said he'd told them I don't drink anymore. Sometime over the past month he thought it'd be appropriate to call our friends we see 2-3x/year and tell them I don't drink anymore...and didn't tell me, so I'm the only one in the dark on this. He says he didn't say the word alchoholic and he accused me of wanting to hide the fact. What really irks me is that we've had this conversation when he told his parents, and then two of his friends. I was really upset but eventually I understood, he needed some counsel, but please leave it to me to decide who knows this most intimate fact about me!!!! It was not unclear.

Am I overreacting? I'm working on my control issues. But this just seems so personal and private. I hate being talked about behind my back! And how many times do I have to ask him not to do it before he realizes I mean don't freaking do it!?!? Aaaaargh, apologies, I'm so fired up right now.

GirlFromCO

Maybe. I do think it was a breach of privacy. That doesn't mean you need to let it get you worked up. Your husband is probably dealing with a lot of issues related to your drinking in his own way. He will make mistakes along the way too.

IndaMiricale

Very well put girlfromCO.

"I dont care what other people think of me , cause its really none of my business."

Just keep tryiing to talk with your husband about it.

Congrats on stayin sober threw it .

Frankie12

foodie,
I don't think you are over-reacting at all. Your story is yours to tell, it is not your husband's "job" to tell it.
Your husband overstepped his boundaries, in my opinion.

My only suggestion would be to talk with him about this again. I am single now, so I am going this path of sobriety alone. But I can tell you from past experience that marital counseling can be helpful when you hit a rough patch as a couple, and I think that dealing with addiction issues can certainly qualify as a rough patch.

P.S. I agree with GirlFromCO that your husband is probably dealing with a lot of issues related to your drinking, but that does not give him permission to overstep his boundaries, imo.

oct11

IDK? What the right answer is. But I think I would feel a bit betrayed if my husband was having discussions about my alcoholism or sobriety behind my back. But maybe he is protecting you and making sure noone does anything to hurt you while you are in your early quitting days.

Reset

It's your story to tell but I do wonder: are you worried about them knowing?

I can see how at first you wouldn't want to tell many people, if anyone, but after a while...

After a few months I didn't care who knew it, I was just so happy about my decision.

EmeraldRose

It just sounds like he has alot bottled up, too -if you'll excuse the pun. The road to sobriety is full of dead ends, pot holes and uphill climbs. You are facing you're own and I'm sure have made mistakes that have affected him.
Your husband, obviously, has his own situations that he's trying to deal rationally with. The only way he can get it off his chest is to tell someone. Maybe he didn't approach it correctly but at least he didn't slander you and was trying to protect you with your best interest in mind.
Have another chat with him. Tell him this is your journey...no one needs to know the gory details. And if situations like this keep reoccuring your trust in him and honesty may be hindered.

My husband and I split before I sobered so I don't have the right answer...but I know that we all make mistakes.

choublak

Honestly...it's not that intimate, personal or private. It is what it is.

Ariesdch

Sounds to me like someone loves you and is trying to protect you by pre-screening an event that might have alcohol.

From a 2-time divorcee (me) TALK about it to him...I failed in 2 marriages due to lack of communication :-)

north

Since he's your husband, you have the advantage of being able to talk to him easier than if he were simply a friend or colleague.

Good intentions can sometimes go awry. I had a very well-intentioned friend who unilaterally decided to tell - basically broadcast it - to our common network almost immediately after the day I decided to quit. It sent out the wrong message and impression to some believing I had some amazing unspeakable rock-bottom episode - and needed to be handled with kid gloves.

Zebra1275

It's not all about you.

Your husband needs to recover from your alcoholism too. He's probably doing the best he can, and what he thinks is right, given the cards he's been dealt.

Vigo

I think you are overreacting a bit.

Virtually all of my friends/family know I don't drink anymore, and they know it is because I was a bad drunk/druggie. But who cares?

You mentioned you hate people talking about you behind your back. This is something you have very little control over. The only thing you can do is work on becoming a better person, and let the chips fall where they may.

MarylandRick

I understand your feelings but I tend to agree that you are overreacting. If they are good friends they won't care. If anything they will be proud of you.

You should be proud of the fact you have quit drinking. Most will view this as a very admirable decision.

Mark75

Yea, you are. It is reasonable, however, to ask your husband to talk to you before he tells anyone else... Let it go.

My wife told a couple friends... one I would have rather she didn't. But I think she loves me and was trying to help. So, now, we don't tell anyone anything. If they ask, I play it by ear according to who what and where...

foodie1

I really appreciate all the feedback. We talked right when it happened and I told him how I felt but then we had to go meet the friends, so we talked some more later when we got home. I know he didn't do it spitefully or maliciously. And no, Reset, I'm not worried about them knowing. The only people I really don't want to know are the people at work. I just felt like my trust was betrayed because this had already happened twice, and I'd specifically asked him to let me tell people if/when I'm ready. That's what made it so irritating.
Thanks again, I'll chill out!!

Threshold

I don't know if you are over reacting, I mean, we feel what we feel. but this is how I look at this issue in my own life.

My active addiction and it's many repurcussions had huge impact on the lives of people close to me. Many of them paid or suffered due to my selfish behavior. If now, that I am in recovery, they need to speak up, get support for themselves or act lovingly to support me, I feel that they deserve some understanding from me.

What I finally realized as the fog began to clear, is that this is not all about me. I am part of a system, my active addiction affected them and my recovery affects them. And, their choices affect me. Honesty is the best way to deal with it, and that means me listening to their feelings and experience as well as sharing my own.

In my case, one of the issues was ME being open and out about my own recovery. Most people had no idea I was an addict, and when I got into recovery and told people, he was ashamed and angry that our secret was out. I wanted him to be proud of me, but instead he was angry. He'd managed to keep my addiction a secret and now I was damaging his reputation through disclosing this.

It's great that you and your husband had that discussion. My husband and I were never able to talk it out. We are in the midst of a divorce now.

Sotiredofitall

As the wife of a RAH, I've told some folks that he has stopped drinking. Why? I don't have the answer to that. But the fact is he involved EVERYONE in his drinking, why not his abstinence as well?. Perhaps it is me still being co-dependent, I'll have to think on that a bit. Its pretty obvious when folks come to our home that the alcohol is absent.
Hubby is only 6 wks sober and I'm still protecting myself from the possibility of his relapse. Perhaps your husband is only protecting HIS interest in your sobriety. He has tons to lose if you don't stay sober. Perhaps that is the answer? I don't know at the moment.

Whatever, please don't use that as a wedge or reason to go sabatoge your sobriety! Do it for yourself!

foodie1

I searched this thread out this morning because last night at a dinner party with friends, one of the couples that my husband told of my alcoholism (without me knowing and against my wishes) was there. At the dinner table the wife asked me point blank in front of the other guests, "So how's it going not drinking?" grrrrr.... I really wish she hadn't done that.

I was very private with my drinking, and I've seen the eye roll when I said this at a meeting, but it's true that most people in my life did not know I have a drinking problem. Only because I was such a recluse drunk! Actually, I'm just a very private person period.

So to be called out like that at a dinner party, where nobody else knew (until then) and two of the people are clients...sucked. And I made the decision to lie. Because to me, my alcoholism is private. I just said it was going well, thank you. Immediately somebody asked why I wasn't drinking. I gave her a knowing smile, and said "everybody asks if we're trying for a baby, but, no, we're not. It's a dietary issue, and I've also cut out most carbs, sugar and dairy (this is actually true). So far I'm 10 lbs down! (also true)" And then I changed the subject faster than an alcoholic scarfs candy.

But I searched this thread out to remind myself not to overreact. That I am powerless over PEOPLE, places and things. That I AM in fact an alcoholic. It's kind of working, at least this time I'm not huffing and puffing!

zanzibar

I completely agree it should have been up to you who to tell and when. Your husband and friends obviously have no experience with alcoholism so in a way you can't fault him for not knowing how much this would bother you. But like you I wouldn't have been happy about it and I can feel your anger and embarrasment. Now that the cat is out of the bag so to speak maybe you can explain to them how you feel about them treating you like a delicate piece of porcelan. But at the same time be happy that you no longer need to pretend around them. Would your husband be open to going to Al Anon in order to learn more about alcoholism and how to better support you?

hypochondriac

Don't let it bother you Foodie. The thing is that those people who have the odd glass of wine once every blue moon just, annoyingly, cannot possibly imagine life without alcohol! I get it often if I am out and someone notices I'm not drinking. It's annoying for sure but don't think they are making judgements about your previous alcohol intake. I used to worry far too much about stuff like that. Now I am more likely to suspect their indignation is more a reflection of their drinking x