Brother "in recovery" - I think he's faking
 

My brother (we'll call him "Bubba") is 54 yrs old and lives in a different city. He recently went to a detox facility after a particularly ugly crash and burn. He had no job, no money and no drugs. Whines to our mom that he can't pay his phone. She sends money. Can't pay his utilities. She sends money. His credit cards are maxed. Mom sent him almost $13,000 to pay one off. Did he pay it off? Guess.

Mom say's i'm not being supportive. She and my other brother say he's going to AA meeting "once or twice every day". They get their information only from Bubba. When I suggest that "since he's pathologically lied in the past, don't you think its not wise to automatically believe anything Bubba tells you?" I'm told I need to be more supportive. I'm the ass, you see.

By the way, they wouldn't believe me about Bubba, even with the glassy eyes, the constant sniffles, the wrecked life, the 2 divorces, the kids saying he passes out, -- until I took photographs of the paraphenalia during a recent visit. He just came to town and has the sniffles. He say's he has a little cold. (echo: last time we saw him and I took the pix). His son, who lives with him, thinks he's using. But Mom and other brother choose not to listen to what Bubba's son says.

I say the only real supportive method is to get proof if he's telling the truth. If he's telling the truth, then he's headed down a good road. If he's lieing, (and it sounds exactly like he's telling the truth) then he's headed down a bad road. Why can't they see that the only real support should lead him down the right path? What they're doing is not support. They're fooling themselves. But he's manipulating like crazy. Mom sends money. Why work?

I say he has to man up. Get a job. Take care of himself. Rebuild his self respect and self esteem. He doesn't care about anyone. After 30 years of calling my mom a controling b*tch, now he calls her regularly just to say I love you. He's only been out of detox for 1 month. I guess that means he's been to as many as 60 AA meetings, if you believe that.

What should I do? He's got them all fooled, again. They are such suckers.

I suggesting pasting this post on "Friends and Family of Alcoholics", where you should get lots of great advice. It's a painful place to be in, I know.

Thanks NYCDoglvr. Will do.

You cant 'fix' him, but the family can stop enabling him.

Hi Martin

I'm sorry for your situation.

as hard as it is to accept, we can't make decisions for other people - whether it's your brother or your mother.

I think you've gotten some good advice here and in the FFSA forum tho - I hope you'll consider something like AlAnon or NarAnon for yourself :)

Welcome to SR :)

D

What a bummer to have to sit and watch from the sidelines while two people you care about do the most stupid predictable things. Sorry about that. :(

My prediction for 2012 is that you're going to become very familiar with a particular word: "detachment"

Best of luck to you.