Do I really want this or what? What's holding me back?
The Little Alcoholic Monstress That Could
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Northern California
Posts: 1,159
Do I really want this or what? What's holding me back?
Hello SR. Gosh I haven't logged in here in soo long.
I've found myself being a dry drunk over the last 8 months, with a relapse in august, then I found out I was pregnant, so now I'm 5 months pregnant and trying to really hone in on where I want my life to go.
I don't want this baby to grow up with the guilt and general mind-f*ckedness of being a child of an alcoholic. Yet, I longingly envision the first night out at the club with the girls when I have my pre-baby body back.
I can't understand what's holding me back. It's like 80% of me knows that I love the movement of AA and I want to be completely and utterly involved. But 20% of me is still searching in the dark for another way to lead a balanced, yet delusional-ly "fun" life.
Please shower me with your wisdom, SR, and Merry Christmas
I've found myself being a dry drunk over the last 8 months, with a relapse in august, then I found out I was pregnant, so now I'm 5 months pregnant and trying to really hone in on where I want my life to go.
I don't want this baby to grow up with the guilt and general mind-f*ckedness of being a child of an alcoholic. Yet, I longingly envision the first night out at the club with the girls when I have my pre-baby body back.
I can't understand what's holding me back. It's like 80% of me knows that I love the movement of AA and I want to be completely and utterly involved. But 20% of me is still searching in the dark for another way to lead a balanced, yet delusional-ly "fun" life.
Please shower me with your wisdom, SR, and Merry Christmas
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Welcome back LLG
I have no wisdom really - we all reach our own eureka moment...mine was realising I be the person I wanted to be...or I could drink...but I couldn't do both.
I've never regretted my choice.
Congratulations on your pregnancy
D
I have no wisdom really - we all reach our own eureka moment...mine was realising I be the person I wanted to be...or I could drink...but I couldn't do both.
I've never regretted my choice.
Congratulations on your pregnancy
D
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Welcome back LLG
I have no wisdom really - we all reach our own eureka moment...mine was realising I could be the person I wanted to be...or I could drink...but I couldn't do both.
I've never regretted my choice, once I finally made it.
Congratulations on your pregnancy
D
I have no wisdom really - we all reach our own eureka moment...mine was realising I could be the person I wanted to be...or I could drink...but I couldn't do both.
I've never regretted my choice, once I finally made it.
Congratulations on your pregnancy
D
The Little Alcoholic Monstress That Could
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Northern California
Posts: 1,159
"I could be the person I wanted to be...or I could drink...but I couldn't do both."
And this is where I struggle. It's so idiotic really that I would put off spiritual fulfillment and a real sense of community to get drunk one or two nights a year with "friends" I rarely see.
And this is where I struggle. It's so idiotic really that I would put off spiritual fulfillment and a real sense of community to get drunk one or two nights a year with "friends" I rarely see.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Newburgh
Posts: 868
Welcome back gold.
I too have had fantasys about using and drinking with friends, in control, living the good life. Now I realize that I never really had control over it and never will. I have relapsed many times after 3 good years of sobriety in AA. But I got content and went back out. It just got worse and worse. This last year that I used was miserable. Constantly guilty, full of shame, knowing I was better than that. I have a family, good friends, a business. I was just slowly throwing it away and killing myself. After just 30 days of sobriety this time, I am starting to see the person I was, and the person I want to be again. Sobriety is so much easier, so much more fulfilling. I have to commit 100% to my sobriety if I want to stay that way and have a fulfilling life. Not 80 or 90 or 99%. Total commitment or I'm screwed. God, AA, my sponser, and the support of my family and this online community is what is keeping me sober today. They are also giving me my life back, one day at a time.
Wishing you the best. God bless.
I too have had fantasys about using and drinking with friends, in control, living the good life. Now I realize that I never really had control over it and never will. I have relapsed many times after 3 good years of sobriety in AA. But I got content and went back out. It just got worse and worse. This last year that I used was miserable. Constantly guilty, full of shame, knowing I was better than that. I have a family, good friends, a business. I was just slowly throwing it away and killing myself. After just 30 days of sobriety this time, I am starting to see the person I was, and the person I want to be again. Sobriety is so much easier, so much more fulfilling. I have to commit 100% to my sobriety if I want to stay that way and have a fulfilling life. Not 80 or 90 or 99%. Total commitment or I'm screwed. God, AA, my sponser, and the support of my family and this online community is what is keeping me sober today. They are also giving me my life back, one day at a time.
Wishing you the best. God bless.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by LiveLikeGold6 
Yet, I longingly envision the first night out at the club with the girls when I have my pre-baby body back.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 10
Congrats on your pregnancy LLG
I'm also 5 months pregnant, and I totally get what you are saying. I have not had a drink since a few days before my period was due, I knew I was most likely pregnant. Yet, I sometimes still find my mind going where it has no business - thinking about how nice a glass of wine would be with dinner, or a night out with my husband after this baby is born.
What helps me is to remind myself of the REALITY of my drinking (and where it's headed), not the silly fantasy my mind likes to keep where I'm a normal drinker. If I have that glass of wine with dinner, it will most likely turn into 3-4. Then I will want more wine the next night and will most likely pick up a bottle when I'm at the grocery store.. and it starts over again. I'm not able to drink normally, and I know that.
In 2010 we had a baby that had a very serious brain defect that wasn't found before birth (only 4 children to date have ever had it
) He lived 10 weeks. My drinking reached problem/warning sign levels before I was pregnant with him.. and I totally stopped while pregnant and breastfeeding during his life. But my stupid mind tricked me into thinking I would "control" myself and after his death, I started drinking again. Due to the pain and grief, it quickly escalated and was out of control.. fast.
That was all I needed to prove to myself that I can't drink. Ever. That's not the life I want for my 9 year old child, or this new little girl that is to be born in April. Yeah, it's kinda easy to not drink when you are pregnant or breastfeeding .. but what I learned is that it has to continue. Forever. I can't let my mind trick me into thinking a few drinks would be fun, because they are NOT fun for me once I get started. It's all downhill.
I totally get how you are thinking though, I just have to make an effort to remind my delusional self how wrong I am when I start thinking I can ever drink again. It's nice to have another pregnant Mom around here.
I'm also 5 months pregnant, and I totally get what you are saying. I have not had a drink since a few days before my period was due, I knew I was most likely pregnant. Yet, I sometimes still find my mind going where it has no business - thinking about how nice a glass of wine would be with dinner, or a night out with my husband after this baby is born.
What helps me is to remind myself of the REALITY of my drinking (and where it's headed), not the silly fantasy my mind likes to keep where I'm a normal drinker. If I have that glass of wine with dinner, it will most likely turn into 3-4. Then I will want more wine the next night and will most likely pick up a bottle when I'm at the grocery store.. and it starts over again. I'm not able to drink normally, and I know that.
In 2010 we had a baby that had a very serious brain defect that wasn't found before birth (only 4 children to date have ever had it
) He lived 10 weeks. My drinking reached problem/warning sign levels before I was pregnant with him.. and I totally stopped while pregnant and breastfeeding during his life. But my stupid mind tricked me into thinking I would "control" myself and after his death, I started drinking again. Due to the pain and grief, it quickly escalated and was out of control.. fast. That was all I needed to prove to myself that I can't drink. Ever. That's not the life I want for my 9 year old child, or this new little girl that is to be born in April. Yeah, it's kinda easy to not drink when you are pregnant or breastfeeding .. but what I learned is that it has to continue. Forever. I can't let my mind trick me into thinking a few drinks would be fun, because they are NOT fun for me once I get started. It's all downhill.
I totally get how you are thinking though, I just have to make an effort to remind my delusional self how wrong I am when I start thinking I can ever drink again. It's nice to have another pregnant Mom around here.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
Welcome back LivelikeGold.
Well, you came back for a reason...not sure if it's for US to convince us that you should stop or confirmation for yourself that you need to stop. You sound like you are on the fence with continuing your life with booze.
For me, I had to look at the whole picture.
What are your two life options...having a baby and living the rest of your life as a partygirl going out being with your friends not truly paying attention to the needs of your child or settling down and realizing that your child will be there long after the party lights dim and your friends go home.
A baby changes the rules of the game...and coming home drunk to a crying baby or waking up with a hangover 3 times a night is not exactly a fun part of motherhood.
Quitting for good now would be great then you wouldn't have to worry about anything but your child.
Wishing you peace and strength.
Well, you came back for a reason...not sure if it's for US to convince us that you should stop or confirmation for yourself that you need to stop. You sound like you are on the fence with continuing your life with booze.
For me, I had to look at the whole picture.
What are your two life options...having a baby and living the rest of your life as a partygirl going out being with your friends not truly paying attention to the needs of your child or settling down and realizing that your child will be there long after the party lights dim and your friends go home.
A baby changes the rules of the game...and coming home drunk to a crying baby or waking up with a hangover 3 times a night is not exactly a fun part of motherhood.
Quitting for good now would be great then you wouldn't have to worry about anything but your child.
Wishing you peace and strength.
The Little Alcoholic Monstress That Could
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Northern California
Posts: 1,159
Thank you so much For Real. I feel for your loss. That's not the life I want for my kid either and it IS easy not to drink while pregnant. It almost feels like I'm cheating to use this as a starting point for my sobriety but really I know full well it would be the best thing I have ever done with my life. Wow that's a big friggin' statement.
It's like there's only 2 friends that I consider very close to me that our friendships are founded on drinking. They have been super supportive during my pregnancy and I don't want to lose them. I didn't lose them the first time I got sober, but honestly when I hung out with them while I was sober it just wasn't the same. It was a teeny bit awkward, maybe only I felt that way though. I know they'll understand though. To spend the entire year of 2012 in AA sober and working the steps would be soooooo soo soo good for me. Thank you for everyone's support.
It's like there's only 2 friends that I consider very close to me that our friendships are founded on drinking. They have been super supportive during my pregnancy and I don't want to lose them. I didn't lose them the first time I got sober, but honestly when I hung out with them while I was sober it just wasn't the same. It was a teeny bit awkward, maybe only I felt that way though. I know they'll understand though. To spend the entire year of 2012 in AA sober and working the steps would be soooooo soo soo good for me. Thank you for everyone's support.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 10
No, I don't think it's cheating to have help with a jump-start to sobriety. I don't really think it's any different than people that go and get prescriptions to help .. and I'm all about whatever works, you know?
One of my best friendships was also based off of drinking. I hate to say that we pretty much drifted apart during my last pregnancy and after my son was born. I was sober, which as you know makes it ZERO fun to be around drunk people and I couldn't stand hanging with her. I was sad for a while, but looking back, it's a good thing for me. She only tempts me to drink and makes me feel I'm "not that bad" ... which is dangerous.
Glad you are doing well - is your baby due in April too? Do you know the sex yet?
One of my best friendships was also based off of drinking. I hate to say that we pretty much drifted apart during my last pregnancy and after my son was born. I was sober, which as you know makes it ZERO fun to be around drunk people and I couldn't stand hanging with her. I was sad for a while, but looking back, it's a good thing for me. She only tempts me to drink and makes me feel I'm "not that bad" ... which is dangerous.
Glad you are doing well - is your baby due in April too? Do you know the sex yet?
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