From my heart - for those who are struggling today
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
From my heart - for those who are struggling today
It's been 4 yrs. since the meltdown that led me to SR. I had joined a few months before the holidays, but still hadn't found the courage to let go. On my last drinking Christmas I was more desperate than ever to find the fun & joy of the holiday season, but it was elusive. In my heart I knew the drinking days were over for me.
I want to admit to you that my first sober Christmas was bittersweet. Of course I was happy to be free. Yet I looked back with longing at the way I imagined the holidays once were - before I crossed the line from social to alcoholic drinking. Please don't be discouraged if you're having difficulty letting go of the illusion that things were somehow made better by getting numb. You will come to realize being wasted isn't a celebration - it's just sad. I regret the times I phoned it in - all dressed up, but so buzzed I couldn't recall conversations I had, or if I'd even enjoyed myself.
This morning I laid in bed & took a minute to appreciate not being hungover from a numbed-out & foggy Christmas Eve. There were over 35 of them. I shed a few tears as I remembered Christmas mornings where I had barely slept - up all night putting toys together in a drunken haze. On 2 hrs. of sleep I'd get up, still drunk - leaving my family under the tree periodically to go "top off" my alcohol level - using the hidden stash in my closet. How festive. The fact that I justified it astounds me now.
I want to offer hope to those who are newly starting out on their journey. You won't always feel sprinkled with stardust and rose petals - but you're never going to regret your decision to reclaim your life. Give it time. This veteran drinker never dreamed she'd be sitting here sober on Christmas Day. I am telling you if I can do it, so can you. Sending love, courage, and hope out to you all.
I want to admit to you that my first sober Christmas was bittersweet. Of course I was happy to be free. Yet I looked back with longing at the way I imagined the holidays once were - before I crossed the line from social to alcoholic drinking. Please don't be discouraged if you're having difficulty letting go of the illusion that things were somehow made better by getting numb. You will come to realize being wasted isn't a celebration - it's just sad. I regret the times I phoned it in - all dressed up, but so buzzed I couldn't recall conversations I had, or if I'd even enjoyed myself.
This morning I laid in bed & took a minute to appreciate not being hungover from a numbed-out & foggy Christmas Eve. There were over 35 of them. I shed a few tears as I remembered Christmas mornings where I had barely slept - up all night putting toys together in a drunken haze. On 2 hrs. of sleep I'd get up, still drunk - leaving my family under the tree periodically to go "top off" my alcohol level - using the hidden stash in my closet. How festive. The fact that I justified it astounds me now.
I want to offer hope to those who are newly starting out on their journey. You won't always feel sprinkled with stardust and rose petals - but you're never going to regret your decision to reclaim your life. Give it time. This veteran drinker never dreamed she'd be sitting here sober on Christmas Day. I am telling you if I can do it, so can you. Sending love, courage, and hope out to you all.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
That was a beautiful post, Hevyn. I'm sure it will help someone today. We are stronger than we think we are.
Congratulations on your sober time, and mega-hugs to you. :ghug3
Congratulations on your sober time, and mega-hugs to you. :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Philly PA
Posts: 814
Thank you for your post. Wonderfully written and captures how I'm feeling. I'm only at 2 months and the pink cloud is gone. It's nice to knOw you don't regret your decision. Hearing posts like this help me keep going.
Happy Holidays and a very Merry Christmas.
Happy Holidays and a very Merry Christmas.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
I'm so glad for you Hevyn. It is such an awesome feeling to be free from the burden of booze. I know whatcha mean and could visualize my christmas's doing the same.
There is hope, there is freedom. Peace.
There is hope, there is freedom. Peace.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Glasgow, Nova Scotia
Posts: 6
Hey there,
I'm glad to read your post. I too have reflected on my recent drinking which crossed the line into unacceptable and led me into recovery - second time around after nearly 18 years sober, I took a few years' folly before I saw myself drinking alone and sneaking more, drinking at odd hours, etc.
I wish all another hour of sobriety - approach it one hour at a time? I guess we can go further, one moment at a time. For me when I apply it, this is a valuable tool for all of my life. One bit - enough light for the step I am on.
Keep coming back.
Julie
I'm glad to read your post. I too have reflected on my recent drinking which crossed the line into unacceptable and led me into recovery - second time around after nearly 18 years sober, I took a few years' folly before I saw myself drinking alone and sneaking more, drinking at odd hours, etc.
I wish all another hour of sobriety - approach it one hour at a time? I guess we can go further, one moment at a time. For me when I apply it, this is a valuable tool for all of my life. One bit - enough light for the step I am on.
Keep coming back.
Julie
Powerless over Alcohol
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Trudging the Road to Happy Destiny!
Posts: 4,018
Thank you Heyvn , 
You said on my post you would write this and I looked forward to it. And as always you delivered a beauty.
From one "real" alcoholic to another I had a wonderful day as I know you did.
See you around
You said on my post you would write this and I looked forward to it. And as always you delivered a beauty.
From one "real" alcoholic to another I had a wonderful day as I know you did.
See you around
The Little Alcoholic Monstress That Could
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Northern California
Posts: 1,159
"Please don't be discouraged if you're having difficulty letting go of the illusion that things were somehow made better by getting numb."
Why is it that SR forum and AA meetings have this magical ability to always tell me EXACTLY what I need to hear on any given day?? Thank you very much for your post; you are an inspiration to many.
Why is it that SR forum and AA meetings have this magical ability to always tell me EXACTLY what I need to hear on any given day?? Thank you very much for your post; you are an inspiration to many.
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