Terminally Unique

I see the word "support" repeatedly thrown around in the context of addiction recovery, but obviously, people have varying ideas as to the nature of support one should provide. For me, support means moral support. It means telling people that they can indeed achieve what they feel they cannot achieve from within the bubble of addiction. It does not necessarily mean coddling, however, but neither does it mean deflating someone's ego for their own good. A difficult balance to strike sometimes, but worth thinking about, IMO.

What does "support" mean to you?

LaFemme

I have no idea.

The good people of SR were my cheerleading squad and that was the only support I ever got. There were some who criticized my approach. I did not find that helpful. I don't know if that is what you mean by not coddling.

doggonecarl

A post I've wanted to make myself, TU. Like you, I see posts where folks are complaining about support they are or aren't getting, or how they need it, and I've often wondered what they meant by support. It will be interesting to see the responses.

I used the word today in a post, talking about how my sister has supported my decision to quit drinking. By supportive I guess what I meant was her encouragement on my journey and a willingness to lend an ear. But as for my recovery, I don't expect a lot of support. As for my wife, when I ask for support, I usually mean support the decisions I make to keep my recovery foremost in my efforts, not that it happens that much...passing on a Christmas party and so forth.

Terminally Unique

I mean not telling people that the lowest common denominator and the path of least resistance are good enough. People can do much better than they usually think they can. They just can't always see it from within the bubble of addiction.

Exploring

Exactly. When one is in the throes of their addiction, they see no way out. There must be some hope even a minuscule amount of hope to dig out.

LaFemme

Hmmm...I was sober when I got here (5 days) so maybe it's a little different.

I try and offer encouragement. When I find myself wanting to "speak the hard truth" to someone who is still drinking I stop myself. This is the Internet. I can't look someone in the eye and see what state they are in. If I think there is potential for my words to cause harm I don't say them. It would be different if it was someone I was in the real world with.

LaFemme

Oh. And believe me...I bite my tongue pretty hard sometimes

Exploring

LaFemme, you are one of the people who give me great hope. I hear you on not posting your real feelings sometimes. It's hard to hold your fingers. You are a great inspiration to me and I love your posts.

ReadyAndAble

I think there are different kinds of support. Some people need gentle coaxing, and some people need a cold splash of contrarian viewpoints. I needed both at one time or another.

Terminally Unique

I'm sure we all do to a certain extent. I myself am keenly aware that my own chosen method of recovery, AVRT, is the "secular" equivalent of the hardliners ("Book Thumpers") in the 12-Step fold. Patterned after the addictive mindset itself, it is inherently ruthless, austere, and unforgiving towards that same addictive mindset. I do recognize that it is a paradigm, however, and that human beings are actually far more complex. This is in large part why I am interested in this topic, however, and I do hope that others chime in.

EmeraldRose

Support to me is having comfort & security of people who really care what happens to me. My family is supportive and although they don't lend advice or tell me 'what to do' I find that just 'knowing' the feeling that I have people that do care about my future, my life and truly want for me to be happy and love me helps to keep me within the goals.
None of my family members know anything about recovery -except my brother who's done counseling as a pastor and now has all kinds of letters after his name.
Even though he's my big brother and I can call him and whine -I don't. I just want to know they are there. Support to me is more of a feeling. I don't need someone sitting next to me with a big foam #1 finger waving it my face. I just need to know you love me and will be there for me when I need a friendly voice.

LaFemme

RandA...I agree...but do you think it's okay to give a hard message to someone who you can't see and who can't see you?

The internet is a delicate place, where tone, sarcasm and context disappear and morph. As a group of people in various stages of recovery I think we need to be extra careful to first do no harm.

How's that for not biting my tongue

huntress

Very good question, Terminally Unique.

My idea of support is mainly having someone to listen, understand, and offer helpful suggestions without being condescending and presuming to have The One True Way. If they've been where I am, they already know they can't really tell me anything; I have to figure it out for myself. Good support, then, would mean giving me room to make the mistakes I need to make and discover the truths you already know (and may have suggested to me already).

EmeraldRose

I bite my tongue often, LaFemme...or moreso find myself typing than erasing, being more subtle, erasing...then finally I just hit 'post quick reply' and just hope for the best. LOL
All I can do is share my experience and I try not to be judgemental. Sometimes its hard.

Dee74

my idea of support has changed over the years, as I have.

These days I try to simply share my experience and let that speak for itself as much as possible. I try always to add a little hope, too.

I try to avoid being too blunt at least until I get to know people a little better and think it might be useful....if I drive people away that's not a win for either of us.

Of course, some days I'm better at all this than others...

D

Exploring

^^^^^ this. It's tough at times.

Terminally Unique

Indeed. My hope is that this thread will bring out some good ideas for a win.

ReadyAndAble

See, you just proved my case, LaFemme. You offered a contrarian viewpoint in a very supportive and caring way!

I agree style matters; at least it did for me. In the words of Mary Poppins, a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. I was pretty raw when I arrived, and responded better to posts that were framed as personal experience, rather than universal truth.

Gerbosko

I'm not sure how to answer this, LOL. When I reply to people needing help, I am supportive of what they're doing and offer encouragement. However, If they understand all the advice given in the thread and keep going against it, I do get a little more "hard truth" with them. I'm only doing this because I care about sobriety and I really, really want people to recover and see what life is really like when you're not drinking poison. I don't like posting with hard-truth comments at all, I later regret them even if other people agree with me.

I'm on this forum to recover just like everyone else but I love helping others recover and seeing how their posts change during their sobriety. We all have "off-days" where we are crabby and sometimes words come out a little too strong, even when you mean the best. Sobriety is a big roller coaster and learning to be sober requires re-learning a lot of aspects of life that you lost during the years you were drinking.

Now as far as your question, that'll take only one line to answer LOL - support is giving someone the attention that they need and helping them overcome obstacles that they normally wouldn't be able to overcome on their own.

Exploring

Yup. I agree. Lafemme has been a great inspiration to me. So honest, so raw. No judgment. I look forward to her posts and cheer her on.