cuyootoo

Even though I know I need it, asking for support or accepting support is really difficult for me. The support I receive here has helped me stay sober though. Sometimes it's good to hear what I already know, just because somebody else is saying it. It doesn't seem like that would help, but psychologically it helps to hear somebody else say it.

It feels good to hear somebody say good job, even though it's cheesy, it still helps. I think we should be careful about telling somebody the "cold hard truth" I don't think that kind of spirit really shows very much personal recovery and maturity. It just makes me think, if that's what recovery is then I don't think I really want recovery.

And even hearing about when others are struggling actually supports me because it reminds me of what realistically could happen to me if I started drinking again. It's supportive just to get the thoughts out of my head onto the screen, even if nobody ever even commented on them.

I have read some extremely wise posts here on this forum. The spirit of support is usually kind and gentle. This is a great forum.

SD777

Yes, that's a convenient word with many meanings. Sometimes it's a simple hug, other times, take away the car keys! Either way, as we traverse this journey, support helps us stand up and hopefully not fall down. Tonight, it's a dear friend who brought dinner,and a safe place to rest.

TheTinMan

That's the key. Coddle or blunt? Supporting sometimes is walking a fine line.

I can relate to the biting of the tongue or back spacing what I've typed or deleting it all together.

On SR I try to follow Dee's model. If it's someone's first post I will try and put in something from the past that has helped me and then try to offer hope.

I do try to avoid the threads that scream for help and then somewhere in the post the person tells you what they are not willing to try. Most of the time it's AA.

I'm a firm believer in doing what ever it takes to stay sober, and that's how I support.

soberlicious

When I was drinking I used to think that when someone didn't agree with me they weren't "supporting" me LOL. Actually now I see that being pushed a little in my thinking actually greatly supports my recovery.

People are all different though...personalities vary, use of language varies, humor varies...it's tough especially online. I vacillated between fragility and strength several times daily when I first quit...took a while for emotions to even out so what may have seemed supportive in the morning may have been viewed differently by evening.

For me personally I view support as others walking the path with me. We often see the same things, but view them differently. Any support I get does not keep me from drinking, I alone am responsible for that, but it is nice to share the ups and downs of life with others. And like others have said, above all, to share hope...

Terminally Unique

Yes, that's why I usually view the word "support" with caution. Not that I agree with arbitrarily smashing someone's ego, but "support" can easily be twisted to mean "let me keep getting drunk/high whenever I please, and if you don't, you are just a big meanie buzz-kill."

Itchy

My support is moral support. That is all we can do. We can't help if we think we can talk someone into doing what we think they should, but they don't. Honesty is no excuse for rudeness but gentle honesty can be a help.
If they aren't already willing to do whatever it takes to resolve the issue, trying to talk them into it is counter productive and is called working harder than the client.

DisplacedGRITS

Support for me is people who will aid me in my recovery and sobriety and not help me continue my addiction. The supportive in my life have helped me through simple deeds like letting me express my frustrations and cravings while not judging me or brushing me off. My husband stopped drinking altogether and goes to open meetings with me. He's taken me to rehab and not balked at the cost of it. When I've gone off the wagon and start going through withdrawls, he supports me physically and dosen't berate me for my mistakes. He dosen't coddle me and tell me everything's ok. He just let's me be, hugs me when I need it and respects the fact that he cannot fix me. My mom is okay but her fear and lack of knowledge isn't helpful so I don't involver her much. My online friends and physical friends are also great about not judging or shaming me which is a relief. My boss asks respectfully about my recovery and is very understanding which I am always amazed at.

Basically, for me, support is the people in your life who will give you whatever you need to recover and help you figure out what you need to do when you stumble, all while setting healthy boundries for themselves and you.

soberlicious

lol well declaring someone else the big meanie pants buzz kill was the easiest way for me to deflect...then I could just keep getting drunk and high because after all I was trying but what could I do without support?

I guess I think of support as the literal meaning, like support beams in a building or support in a bra...literally to hold/keep something up. So while I believe that personal exchanges of all sorts can be supportive in that they can lift one's spirit, raise awareness, generate new thoughts, shift perspective, reinforce personal truths, etc etc...when it comes to drinking I do not rely on others to "hold me up" to somehow keep me from drinking. That one is all on me.

LaFemme

I agree...follow the Dee model

Sapling

Support for me is anything I can do or say that might keep someone else from being beaten down by alcohol to the point that I was. I hate seeing anyone have to go that far. I had all kinds of support...I just had to get to point where I had to process what I'd heard...Some good...Some bad. I needed it all.

Mark75

I have learned the hard way that the only real support I can offer is my experience. I have also learned that sharing my own experience can be irritating... for several reasons... if I don't check my motives... hmm... sharing experience can be as presumptuous as trying to tell someone else what they should do, especially in a setting like this, the internet... hmm, for example.

"I used to feel like you do and I can empathize. Then I talked to my sponsor and he told me I was just being an @sshole".

LOLOLOL

It is also difficult because of this thing we now call "world view"... I am a generation older than many who come here looking for support. Sometimes I can come across as just some crusty old b@stard who is totally out of touch...

Then there is the whole AA... Religious... Spiritual thing... If I offer a spiritual perspective, one that helped me, or helps me, especially early on... People who are resolutely atheist see me as a religious zealot bible thumper, but those who know me tell me otherwise, LOLOLOL.

But in the end, I am not gonna stop, at least in the near future... Why??

Because offering support, supports me. Support is sharing experience.

onlythetruth

To me, there is no concrete way to describe support. It varies depending on where the person is in the change process and on what the current issue is for the person. So, a person who is struggling with whether or not they have a problem will need something very different from a person who has just quit and dealing with cravings, who will need something still different from a person who has been abstinent for a while and putting her life back together.

The tone of support will also vary depending on the situation. Some situations definitely call out for a gentle approach, while others seem to need more forceful communication.

Now, with all of that said, I think if one looks back on what various regular posters here do, most do a pretty good job of discerning what needs to be said and done.

miamifella

This is such an important question.

You always hear that addicts/alcoholics are supposed to ask each other for help. But what exactly is that help? Support...help...what exactly are we supposed to be able to ask.

I often thought that the rule against cross-talk in meetings is a problem since it means you cannot ask for any help within the meeting. So I never had any model to follow about what guidelines there were for what was acceptable.

I got in trouble for calling someone in a 12-step when I was feeling an urge to use. So I know that was not the kind of support you can get in the program. But I think that should be okay. That ought to be the base level of support.

Mattcake

To me, support = reaching out and finding someone there.

langkah

Often the 'tone' that people complain about exists only in the mind of the reader. Being responsible for the condition of the current sensitivities and emotional states of all possible readers is not something I'm prepared to take on.

I like to state things as clearly and plainly as is possible while still being courteous. Anything else seems to sacrifice, or at the minimum cloud effective communication. The best support I've received in the past has been clear, memorable, and caused me to alter my actions for the better.

People have also said things that made me feel warm inside and very comfortable in continuing the mistakes I was making, but they did me no good. It probably did make them feel good to make me feel good at the time, though.

Hopefully they felt just wonderful for taking their time to give me 'support'.

PaperDolls

I'm on the Dee model bus.

freshstart57

Interesting question, TU, and for me it is timely. I was recently involved in a thread that resulted in the fire department being called, and I have thought about it since.

The support I received from my wife during my sobering up was a constant encouragement through a stoic demeanor, and it suited me very well.

As for SR, as usual, I find myself in the middle of the current discussion. I will gladly share any aspect of my experience that seems relevant to the need, and offer that with encouragement and a firm belief in the ability of the poster. In addition, I will address what I perceive to be self-delusional statements or repeated failures to launch with a frank assessment and sterner comments, but always in what I hope is a respectful manner.

I am not always successful at this, but I do take full responsibility for the manner in which my posts are received. I recognize that any poster seeking help who leaves SR due to inappropriate or unhelpful comments is a loss to all of us.

Thanks TU, a little self reflection is good tonic.

Jomey

In real life, support, to me, would be anything that a person will do to help me stay sober, and a solemn promise from them that they will never do anything to enable me to take another drink.

Here on SR, it's a little trickier, because we lose nuance in typed communication, so I just try to share experience and hope. Is that the Dee model? LOL If so, I guess I agree with Dee once again.

Interesting thread.

miamifella

I have friends I can say anything too. That really helps. In early recovery I was so broke I could not afford a phone, which was very lonely because my life was just going to work and going to meetings--so I had no one I could really talk about my feelings about on any deep level.

But I think the support that really helped was my friends when I did finally get a phone. I could tell them anything about how I felt because they were not addicts or alcoholics--there were no rules preventing me from being open.

This ability to be so open with some people seems is so central to my recovery, that I do not know how anyone manages without it.

PurpleCat

There is one heck of a lot of good support on this site. Sometimes it can be a real downer around here, reading some of the desperation posts and feeling the anguish behind the words. I think that everyone here who tries to help others struggling are doing a wonderful thing.

That said, sometimes there is a bit of a....judgmental, for lack of a better word, tone with some people. I totally get this, by the way. If something worked for a particular person, it is human nature to become a cheerleader and see that as the only way. If something didn't work, it is human nature to want to warn others so they don't make the mistakes. The problem is, in my mind, that there are many paths to the desired end and negating someone's attempts (no matter how well intentioned) can have a dampening effect. (Caveat - unless someone is about to do something that is going to cause them serious physical harm.)

That's why I really do appreciate the Dee model - the "well, I did/didn't do that and it did/didn't work out well for me because (insert reason here), so that's something to think about" kind of delivery.