Need input about my sponsor Please
 

My current sponsor doesn't not have a sponsor...

She has many years sober..she has been my sponsor for a while now, and at one point I asked her who her sponsor is, and she said she had a longterm sponsor, but now she basically said she "considers a few different people her soponsors" (I believe she had moved)...I didn't question it again but then I drank after a long period sober....I am clearing up now, and I have been doing just about everything she suggests--but some things are irking me about her continual critiquing my every move......I think that's why I am now thinking "hey you should have a sponsor too"....then I reel the focus back to me....

I don't know if this is making sense but I have to get it out there. I have been feeling great for over 3 weeks, don't want to create issues! TY!! :)

I am newly sober myself, but have been in AA about 3 years and have had a sponsor the whole time. So clearly I am no expert.

But, one of the things I like and find very important that I have with my current sponsor (had her for 9 months) is that she does not ask me to do anything that she is not willing to do or has done herself. She has a sponsor and is working a program. She tells me what steps her sponsor has her working on and the advice her sponsor gives her.

No one is an expert. No one is "done". I think we all need guidance, from others in the program and from a Higher Power.

Please provide some examples of this "continual critiquing" of your every move.

I think dg has a great question but I kept thinking .... if she doesn't have what you want (i.e. a sponsor, working the steps, happiness, serenity) get a new sponsor.

Now, if you're just not hearing what you want to hear .... that's an entirely different issue. :)

My experience with sponsors that didn't have sponsors...or couldn't quite seem to remember who they were kept me sober, but not really happy or growing. I look back now and see how disturbed they would get when I would inquire or ask to meet people up the chain of command...notice I had to ask....I also noticed that most of the folks that hung around those people were not staying sober, so I found a new sponsor. Then I outgrew him based upon similar things. He didn't know who his grandsponsor was.

Let me bring you current, today I have a sponsor, he has been sober 18 yrs and has something I want, Power, Peace, Serenity, man is absolutely on fire!!! And get this, he keeps inviting me to go meet his sponsor who has been sober 34yrs. I have heard him speak and he is on fire also. He has also shared his grandsponsor with me, who has been sober 53yrs and appears to be on fire as well.

I have learned that a sponsor will transmit what he/she has and cannot transmit what they don't have. It is not my job to sponsor my sponsor, but I have learned that a certain degree of accountability is necessary. In my experience, when things seemed a bit "fishy" with my sponsor, something was up and since my recovery is my responsibility that meant it was time to find a new one....I'm either growing or going, nothing in between for a guy like me. :)

Peace and God bless

2nd, you could counsel your sponsor and advise her what she needs to do for her sobriety and well being, but I wouldn't advise that at this point.

If she gives you her time and her help freely and is generally available to you, maybe the best tactic is to keep taking that help and let her figure out on her own what's best for her sobriety.

You could make the point obliquely by saying 'sure am glad I have a sponsor, EVERYbody should have a sponsor like I have' the next time she blows her evening helping you.

It really comes down to what is she suggesting? Is it the directions in the BB for having a spiritual awakening, or is it other suggestions? How far through the Steps had you gotten before you returned to drinking? What Step are you on now?

Because if that sponsor does not have you knee deep in the BB a couple weeks after a relapse, ask why, and be very afraid.

By the way, I have a sponsor, and my sponsor has a sponsor. His sponsor also has a sponsor.

Thanks everyone for your input. There are questions that a couple of you asked that I will answer, just have to take care of the kids first but wanted to at least pop on and say thanks.

Hey Elisabeth...I had a question for you...You've had a sponsor for three years...I'm assuming you worked the steps? And then went out? And what exactly do you mean by your current sponsor doesn't ask you to do anything she is not willing to do or has done herself....Are you working the steps with her? I don't really understand what you mean.

I've met my sponsor's sponsor & their sponsor who spoke of their sponsor.

My sponsor let me know they don't sponsor me alone; their sponsor is involved, too.

This is about saving lives, not dictating or giving advice.

This is your life, do what your Higher Power needs you to do via prayer & meditation.

Keep staying stopped!

I re-read this entire thread again. I called my sponsor this morning as I do every morning, and amazingly, the opportunity came for me to bring up this subject. We had a very productive, non-defensive conversation about it. Although she did trail off several times about “considering or using certain folks as sponsors”, she ultimately agreed that she does need to find an actual sponsor. I think it’s amazing how we all heal each other, no matter where we are in sobriety. I am in a very different place today and am grateful that I am open and willing to hear and really receive feed back today. Thanks again everyone! :)

Wow, she is good.

Bottom line, if you're working the steps and getting what you need, that's what matters.

Glad today is better. :)

There are different ways to work the aa program. Some work it rule based while others work it therapy based. It sounds like your current sponsor is rule based and that isn't exactly meeting your needs. Maybe you could look for a therapy based sponsor? I know, they are rare because I have been looking for one like that for a long time.

I have listened to them share their stories though. I always feel empowered by them, and I can tell that they aren't trying to follow rules of some kind of program, but have understood many of the core issues of the 12 steps. These are issues about personal healing. Many alcoholics are first and foremost victims of abuse.

Humm, never heard of that. I think I understand what you are getting at, but I see sponsors as "people", sharing their ES&H, they are not doctors or miracle workers etc. If I need a therapy-based "someone", I think I'd better see a "therapist" :)

I was going to hit the "Thanks" button but I figured I'd offer a little more. You're right. Alcoholics Anonymous is not therapy. It's a 12 step program of recovery that includes developing a personal relationship with God. A sponsors job is to help you through this. They used to call it "Yoking" in the old days where they would yoke a young oxen to an older experienced oxen until the younger oxen learned the ropes. The younger oxen soon knew what the routine was and he became the training oxen where they would then yoke a new inexperienced oxen to him.
One things for certain. The older oxen never told the young oxen how he should live his life.

I had a sponsor a year ago...she was younger than me and had small kids..i relapsed quite a few times then needed to talk to her but she never contacted me....I think you can switch sponsors...I plan to- I am not sure when I will go back to aa but I definitely need a new sponsor. Good luck.

In my experience, when my sponsor isn't available, I reach out to my network of friends whom I've spoken to since I was freshly sober and who I speak to before & after meetings. I may or may not give details of what I'm going through, but I always feel differently by the end of the conversation. My sponsor and others always help either by reminding me of the steps, a prayer, or by sharing experience, not advice. Just my experience.

I've never had a sponsor that didn't himself have a sponsor. Currently I'm in the middle of a "line"-I have a sponsor who has a sponsor who has a sponsor who also has a sponsor (this is as far up the lineage as I have met since he lives out of state)-additionally, I sponsor men who also sponsor men who are about to start taking men through the work. For me, there is a certain power felt when I can sit in a meeting or at fellowship and see tangible proof of how this message, when not diluted, saves lives.

Everyone sponsors differently, my personal experience has been that a BB sponsor who is active in the work, in service, and fellowship have been the ones I am drawn to. They have traditionally been proficient at showing me precisely how they recovered, precisely how they continually build their relationship with god.

With that said, my sponsorship has been going through the book and getting help with living these spiritual principles. Its never been junior therapist sessions. For some this works, certainly not me.

As far as "many ways to work the AA program"... My experience has been there are two ways to do it-the AA way as laid out in the BB, and then there is "my" way. I tried my take, my opinion, my version of the AA program until I lost everything and surrendered. I learned that I don't have the luxury of trying to adapt a program to fit my biases, prejudices, etc. It came time for me to follow directions, for me it was the message in the book.

So true. I have so many people in my life that I can approach for guidance. The crux of my sponsor-sponsee relationships have been spiritual growth. When framed in that fashion, most of my close friends could be considered my sponsor(s). I trust them all, and have swapped fifth steps with many.

Something about "...creating the fellowship" we crave. :-)