Honesty at a meeting?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Oregon
Posts: 1,348
Honesty at a meeting?
Hello out there in sober-cyber-ville, I'm wondering if I've been had, and if I did the right thing.
I went to my Tuesday women's meeting last night and it was a very small group (4 of us) and there was a new girl who seemed to be really struggling. She was there 30 minutes early when I was opening up and she talked non-stop, really seemed to need an ear. The other 2 ladies showed up and we got started, but this new girl was having a hard time keeping quiet while the rest of us shared. It's like she was super lonely and was really reaching out, but at the same time it kind of annoyed me because it was interrupting the other two who had really deep issues to talk about. Then she started talking about her attempted suicide 8 weeks ago, how she hasn't slept in 5 days and how her doctor took her off all her meds that day. She said she didn't think she could make it and was exhausted, she didn't have a ride home, her boyfriend had just dumped her, on and on. We all 3 kept saying Call Your Sponsor!! But she said she didn't have a phone. So I called her sponsor from my phone...only to find out that the sponsor barely knows this girl, she met her at a meeting.
I felt a certain responsibility at this point, like the girl was obviously very troubled and I shouldn't just leave her. I gave her a ride to the next meeting for the night and she was going on and on about how she needed her meds (Adavan? not sure if I'm spelling that right or what it is for that matter) and then some of the things she'd talked about at the meeting started to change ever so slightly. The more she talked, the more I found myself disbelieving what she was saying because it was just so fantastical. I found myself calling bull****. And then I started to wonder if I was being had. I haven't questioned anybody's stories at meetings in my 4 short months, so this was an unwelcome feeling for me. It was an upset to my trusted world of sobriety.
I really hope I did the right thing calling this girl's "sponsor" down. I was pretty frustrated that she was talking about her attempted suicide and feeling like she can't take it anymore and just needed to be "put away" and then when her sponsor showed up she was totally fine, happy, making coffee and jabbering on (and on and on and on) I felt like a jack*** for calling her sponsor down!
Any words of experience/wisdom/advice would be really welcome.
I went to my Tuesday women's meeting last night and it was a very small group (4 of us) and there was a new girl who seemed to be really struggling. She was there 30 minutes early when I was opening up and she talked non-stop, really seemed to need an ear. The other 2 ladies showed up and we got started, but this new girl was having a hard time keeping quiet while the rest of us shared. It's like she was super lonely and was really reaching out, but at the same time it kind of annoyed me because it was interrupting the other two who had really deep issues to talk about. Then she started talking about her attempted suicide 8 weeks ago, how she hasn't slept in 5 days and how her doctor took her off all her meds that day. She said she didn't think she could make it and was exhausted, she didn't have a ride home, her boyfriend had just dumped her, on and on. We all 3 kept saying Call Your Sponsor!! But she said she didn't have a phone. So I called her sponsor from my phone...only to find out that the sponsor barely knows this girl, she met her at a meeting.
I felt a certain responsibility at this point, like the girl was obviously very troubled and I shouldn't just leave her. I gave her a ride to the next meeting for the night and she was going on and on about how she needed her meds (Adavan? not sure if I'm spelling that right or what it is for that matter) and then some of the things she'd talked about at the meeting started to change ever so slightly. The more she talked, the more I found myself disbelieving what she was saying because it was just so fantastical. I found myself calling bull****. And then I started to wonder if I was being had. I haven't questioned anybody's stories at meetings in my 4 short months, so this was an unwelcome feeling for me. It was an upset to my trusted world of sobriety.
I really hope I did the right thing calling this girl's "sponsor" down. I was pretty frustrated that she was talking about her attempted suicide and feeling like she can't take it anymore and just needed to be "put away" and then when her sponsor showed up she was totally fine, happy, making coffee and jabbering on (and on and on and on) I felt like a jack*** for calling her sponsor down!
Any words of experience/wisdom/advice would be really welcome.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Sounds like you did the right thing to me.
I've been at meetings with new people who talk a lot and cross-talk and such. Generally, someone will try to explain how the meeting goes but sometimes they don't get it or they're just in such a state that they can't get it.
I would have called her sponsor as well or offered to take her to the hospital if she was contemplating suicide.
Of course, it's very possible that her story was lots of BS..... that's what we do. All you can do is listen and offer your experience, strength, and hope. The rest is up to her. Pray for her.
I've been at meetings with new people who talk a lot and cross-talk and such. Generally, someone will try to explain how the meeting goes but sometimes they don't get it or they're just in such a state that they can't get it.
I would have called her sponsor as well or offered to take her to the hospital if she was contemplating suicide.
Of course, it's very possible that her story was lots of BS..... that's what we do. All you can do is listen and offer your experience, strength, and hope. The rest is up to her. Pray for her.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 343
Wow, that's a tough one. First, good for you for having compassion in spite of your gut calling foul.
When I was in treatment we had a guy like that. Finally during a group session we called him out. In a kind way, mind you. But we tried to get him to refocus on the good things he had going on. He sought help, didn't he? He had 30 days sober, didn't he? He hadn't even realized that he'd been talking more than anyone else. We asked him if he thought he could use his experiences to help others who needed time to vent instead of doing all the talking about himself. His whole attitude changed after that and it seemed to give him a sense of purpose to think that his words - put differently - could help someone else in need.
I don't know if this approach would work for this girl but if you happen to run into her again it's something you might try.
Again, nice of you to show compassion. But. (There's ALWAYS a "but!") Don't let yourself take the focus off you and YOUR recovery by getting caught up in someone else's issues. Ultimately, this girl is the only one who can either open up to getting the help that she needs - or in the case your intution is correct, she'll eventually find her way back to her addiction.
When I was in treatment we had a guy like that. Finally during a group session we called him out. In a kind way, mind you. But we tried to get him to refocus on the good things he had going on. He sought help, didn't he? He had 30 days sober, didn't he? He hadn't even realized that he'd been talking more than anyone else. We asked him if he thought he could use his experiences to help others who needed time to vent instead of doing all the talking about himself. His whole attitude changed after that and it seemed to give him a sense of purpose to think that his words - put differently - could help someone else in need.
I don't know if this approach would work for this girl but if you happen to run into her again it's something you might try.
Again, nice of you to show compassion. But. (There's ALWAYS a "but!") Don't let yourself take the focus off you and YOUR recovery by getting caught up in someone else's issues. Ultimately, this girl is the only one who can either open up to getting the help that she needs - or in the case your intution is correct, she'll eventually find her way back to her addiction.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 64
It also sounds, you absolutely did the right thing to me as well.
You have a good deal of compassion, which is great !
In these situations, when 1 person is monopolizing, they need to be given firm limits, when to speak, and when to be still !
As for the bs, in these situations - I believe it is your first duty and obligation to protect yourself first ! Protect your sobriety ! Protect your personal recovery !
Some individuals you run into at meetings ( I went to hundreds) - are severely disturbed.
They can really only be helped by professionals.
When they need to ventilate - a certain amount of listening and feedback to them is good -but there must be firm limits set - after all there are others there too for support and hope!
Please don't castigate yourself - you did the right thing !!!!
Dr. IraB
You have a good deal of compassion, which is great !
In these situations, when 1 person is monopolizing, they need to be given firm limits, when to speak, and when to be still !
As for the bs, in these situations - I believe it is your first duty and obligation to protect yourself first ! Protect your sobriety ! Protect your personal recovery !
Some individuals you run into at meetings ( I went to hundreds) - are severely disturbed.
They can really only be helped by professionals.
When they need to ventilate - a certain amount of listening and feedback to them is good -but there must be firm limits set - after all there are others there too for support and hope!
Please don't castigate yourself - you did the right thing !!!!
Dr. IraB
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
There is a word for people like her, HOT MESS.
She may be snowing you, or she may believe every word she says. My guess is that she wants to be clean, but doesn't have a clue that recovery goes beyond that, and she is still in the blaming stage. Still in the "it's all about me" stage.
Your recovery is your first priority. It sounds to me like you handled this well. Very gracefully, kindly and responsibly. All you can do is tell her about available resources and point her in the right direction. Be firm about how much time you can give her, don't be afraid to say no when you need to. She is not your responsibility, she got this far without you. NEVER forget that. We all seem to have deep wells of resources that we save for a rainy day, and those of us with dependent personalities are always trying to parasite others resources to take care of us, but when pushed, we do know how to dip into our own.
If she wants what the 12 steps have to offer she will keep coming back.
She may be snowing you, or she may believe every word she says. My guess is that she wants to be clean, but doesn't have a clue that recovery goes beyond that, and she is still in the blaming stage. Still in the "it's all about me" stage.
Your recovery is your first priority. It sounds to me like you handled this well. Very gracefully, kindly and responsibly. All you can do is tell her about available resources and point her in the right direction. Be firm about how much time you can give her, don't be afraid to say no when you need to. She is not your responsibility, she got this far without you. NEVER forget that. We all seem to have deep wells of resources that we save for a rainy day, and those of us with dependent personalities are always trying to parasite others resources to take care of us, but when pushed, we do know how to dip into our own.
If she wants what the 12 steps have to offer she will keep coming back.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Oregon
Posts: 1,348
Thanks so much for the feedback, I really appreciate it. I feel a lot better knowing I did the right thing, and I'm just not gonna worry about any of it unless it comes up again...at which time I'll remind myself that she's really none of my business (unless she's going to hurt herself) Thanks again for the nuggets of wisdom!
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
From your description of this woman's behavior, it seems fairly clear to me that she is mentally ill. That being the case, the situation did not call for a sponsor or a meeting: it called for a mental health clinician.
I am not saying you did the wrong thing--this was a tough one. But to me, one of the first things that needs to be assessed in any situation is whether or not a recovery program is the right place to be addressing the situation in the first place.
I am not saying you did the wrong thing--this was a tough one. But to me, one of the first things that needs to be assessed in any situation is whether or not a recovery program is the right place to be addressing the situation in the first place.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 64
Just remember - you can "try to help" - but you are neither responsible for her nor can you control her.
Your recovery comes first - It is your first duty and responsibility to yourself.
I congratulate you on your compassion !
Your recovery comes first - It is your first duty and responsibility to yourself.
I congratulate you on your compassion !
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 26
"some are sicker than others". You were compassionate, and you also reached out for help by calling her sponsor, and protecting yourself. If we don't have compassion for the next sick and suffering, then we forget "there but for the grace of God go I".
Good Job
Good Job
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