Cant speak
 

I am very happy to say that after a lifetime of restlessness I have been introduced to my higher power. Man is it a good feeling. When i first felt it last night i said over and over again I surrender. I realize now surrendering aint that easy. I was at a meeting today and the topic was honesty and basically the first step as a whole. People kept talking about newcomers and how intellectualizing gets you nowhere and its more about action than anything else. I dont know if it was just me being self-absorbed (i know i am) but i felt like people were directing their stuff at me. I've been going to the same groups so the people there have seen me before but i havent said anything yet. Tonight i managed to get the strength to introduce myself which was no easy task for me but other than that i just sit and listen. people were litterally staring at me as if to put pressure on me. The women sitting next to me kept whispering "speak up, we wanna hear it". The meeting went on for an extra 10 minutes which i thought was because they were trying real hard to get me to say something. I choked up and felt like i was going to die. I want to say something but i have no idea what to say other than well, that I in fact have no idea what to say. Id like to tell them im a ******** artist and can convince , anyone of anything (including myself) and that i say whatever will be best received. I just dont have the courage to open my mouth to these people. I know they can see right through me. When the meeting ended the woman who was whispering to me said congratulations you made it through another meeting... keep coming back if nothing else. When i left i got so pissed at myself for not saying a word. It was a perfect opportunity for me to share but i missed it. Not even missed it but willingly let it fly by. I know what i need to do but i'm not doing it. I really hope I get another opportunity where i feel that immense pressure to speak for the first time because i cant do it on my own. Next time i wont let it slide by. I dont care if all that comes out of my mouth is word salad because at least i will have tried. I just know that when that moment comes my mouth will feel like its sewed shut.

Relax Brain...it just wasn't your time.
I had the same thing happen when I started AA. I went in very cheerful and gabby since I knew most of the people already...but it took me a couple weeks before the 'spirit moved me'. Once it happens, you'll open up and the words will flow. Don't worry about it now and don't feel as though they are pressuring you. This is YOUR journey, remember?
Peace.

I think that's pretty normal...I didn't know what to say either....I listened for about a week...Introduced myself...Said I was an alcoholic....And I really need some help...That's all I said....And I got it...Got a sponsor...Did the steps..and I'm chairing meetings now.....But I still love to listen. Good job for just being willing to go to a meeting. Good luck to you.

Brainsoup,

Relax, surrendering to your HP is a lot more important than speaking at a meeting.

I find it difficult to speak at meetings, I get choked up with emotion and tears and can't get anything out.
I don't really have much to say but lately at the newcomer's meetings I feel I should speak up and tell my story of recovery for the newcomers, to help them.

All the best in recovery
Merry Christmas
caiHong