sobriety and a relationship?
 

today is day 9 of my sobriety. i am currently in a new relationship (1 1/2 months) with a man who doesn't drink or use. he is supportive of me & my decision to change my life. but i feel bad because i sprang all this stuff on him last minute. this guy didn't even know i had a drinking problem, let alone problems with other substances. im just curious what everyone's opinions are on new relationships and sobriety.

another bit of information on me: i was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship for 4 years that i ended in april of 2010. since i started my sobriety, i have been dreaming of my abuser every night. not necessarily bad dreams, some are good. im not sure which ones bother me more. im not sure if im dreaming of the abuser again because of the stress of becoming sober, or because of the new relationship. am i trying to take too much on at once? help, please.

:e136:

Considering we are not psychologists, dreaming can mean many things. I don't know the details to advise why you dream good or bad. Hopefully, you deal with the feelings and emotions of this past relationship so you can fully deal with your feelings and emotions of your drinking.
Also, since you are not drinking, you may be remembering them more vividly. You may have dreamed while you were still using but didn't remember them. It could have been there all along and never dealt with.

Personally, I am not ready to start a relationship. I have been separated from my husband for over a year and just now divorce is proceeding...I need to deal with one thing at a time since I consider myself emotionally fragile. I am not ready to deal with another relationship or worry about someone else's feeling. I have me to worry about first.

thank you, rose i never thought of it that way. about not remembering the dreams because i was too messed up. hearing your personal story is helpful to me.
btw i love your signature

:a200:

I have six months sober and I'm not looking for a relationship....At nine days sober...I couldn't even find my shoes...I want to get the hang of this sober life...and basically my life in general....Before I start with someone elses.....I think that would just be fair to both of us.....Whoever she may be.

It could be too much, too soon.

You are in very early recovery and that's a time when I really needed to focus on myself. It took all of my energy. And, the fact that you were in a long-term, abusive relationship is kind of a red flag that maybe you should take some time for yourself. Have you considered counselling? For me, I would want to be sure that I LOVED myself before I started a new relationship. And, you can't love yourself when you are being abused by another person and by alcohol.

Congrats on getting sober:)

I feel for your situation and for your new guy. I feel if it's meant to be he will give you the space to get well...and you need to put yourself first.

When I got sober I needed to deal with a lot of stuff and it all bubbled up...that might be why memories of jerky boyfriend are coming up. I found therapy (not addiction therapy, regular therapy) helpful.

And SR:)

is it best for me to not worry about the relationship but stay committed? just focus on myself and my recovery? we live in two different cities so we only see each other about once a week anyway. all the sudden i am questioning this relationship so much. im not sure to stay with him or to leave. i think i may be worrying about the relationship to try and distract my attention from the bigger problems at hand.

I definitely agree with Anna that we need to learn to love ourselves before we can give our love to another.

I also know I've put all my energy into relationships before when I needed the energy myself - and I REALLY needed all my energy when I was trying to stay sober.

I'm not going to tell you what to do tho - you know this man and the relationship better than any of us do - I do think counselling is pretty good suggestion though :)

D