bayliss

Yes Deserto - that was all correct. Thank you for remembering all I have written in the past...
I know that the relationship is quite possibly emotionally abusive. I do love him a lot and do as much as I can for him albeit the drinking which as I said, I am working on.
A lot of people might thing I quit my job to just drink - I actually drank a lot more when I worked where I did because I was harassed mentally on a regular basis which is not very healthy - anyone in my position would have left there...it was even suggested to do so by my boyfriend because I was so much more miserable.
I am really looking for another job. I need something different.
I'm not going to lie though when I say that when I did quit the first thing I did the next day was drink all day...that was really not a good idea...and something that I shouldn't get into a routine with - obviously. I am ashamed of doing that...
I agree with you that I have to leave the basement...I need my own place. That is definitely true.
I know what you mean about moving back home...I know that I need to do something to move towards my goal of total sobriety...but I am honest when I say it would break my Mom's heart if I left again - I saw how she was sad for a while the first time she didn't have her kids. I'm not making excuses, I am sure she would be much happier to know that I have ousted this disease...

I know I shouldn't have played that game with him. I guess sometimes I just feel alone...especially since I really have no one around where I live...it was my own immaturity to press his buttons and test him to see if he would "go after" me. It wasn't one of the highlights; I know that.

I know I have to begin to learn to love myself. I am going to make a plan tonight and get the boyfriend's input.
I also really upset my Mom when I called her crying last night (she is my best friend but I shouldn't do that either) and we have decided that if for whatever reason I cannot find a job by the end of January that I am going to go home for a few weeks.
There, drinking will not be tolerated...

I don't think I am selfish -- I know what I did was wrong. I don't know why I am so afraid of change and getting out my comfort zone and I guess that is why I began drinking...because nothing really had to change because I never really paid attention or thought about it.
If I want a life...which I do...than I know I need to change.
It's not as easy as changing where you live, or your job...I guess I gotta really look deep down and start taking baby steps and working on becoming a healthier & happier me who loves myself.
This - as everyone knows - isn't something that just happens overnight...I'll need to figure something out or begin seeing a therapist again.

Thanks again for everyone's input.
Thanks Deserto and Soberween for remembering as well.

soberred

He has no respect for you Bayliss. And I feel at this point you have no respect for yourself. Nothing is going to change until you change for YOURSELF. You cannot depend on someone else for your happiness. It took me 44 years to realize that. I was in the same situation you are in now. I am now 5 months sober. He still tries to treat me like crap but I do not allow it this time. I tell him quite frequently now that he can be replaced. It serves me to stay where I am right now but believe me, the abuse will NOT be tolerated. You are never going to be happy or get well if you continue with him the way he is treating you. Far too may times verbal abuse leads to physical abuse. Take care.

1undone

Why are you getting your boyfriends input? He's only going to confuse you or in response to his disrespect for you cause you to feel hurt. I don't get why at this point he would have a say in your future plans. Makes no sense to me....

bayliss

Thank you Soberred...first I want to congratulate you on your five months of sobriety and standing up for yourself to your significant other.
I do understand what you're saying.
Is it possible that he will take me more seriously once I quit drinking...he sometimes says that he can't take me seriously or listen to what I have to say because of my drinking...well, he hasn't said this for a while...but I might begin to think it is true.
Definitely agree with you that once I get sober that I will be able to better stand up for myself and make better decisions when it comes to my relationships.
And physical abuse is definitely wrong and I wish no one has to go through it. No one deserves to go through it.

And no...I think my posts kinda show - I have no respect for myself.
I wish I did.
It's funny, my Sister is the total opposite of me and she is tough-as-nails and if her boyfriend did anything to her she would tell him to go sleep in a hotel if he pissed her off or disrespected her enough.

I definitely need to stop the boozing - to be more clear-headed in my decisions and face the things I have to face in a sober manner.

bayliss

1undone - I guess I just feel like, since we live together...he has to realize that I can't have him drinking around me...or rather, his friends drinking around me. I know he will respect that decision and do it for me.
So I definitely need to hear what he has to say...how we can work together...I mean, I definitely need to make my own plan with working towards sobriety but I also think that we need to talk about what we need to do to move forward and either grow together or just be apart.

langkah

You can't stay sober Bayliss, not on your own. It doesn't matter what you want or how people around you treat you or if they do or don't support you.

There's no confusion about it, nothing to reason out or defend. Drink or get the help you need to not drink. There's no 3rd choice.

If you give up and drink you lose what you care about, other than alcohol. If you surround yourself with sober people and do what works for them you may get to keep the good things in your life and gain some good things.

While spinning between drinking awfulness and wanting something different you stay in one spot, and there's no progress made.

Do you want to continue writing these 'my disaster of the week' posts?

Hooped

I'm glad you're trying to quit drinking bayliss.
Go for it, and do it for yourself.
It's hard, but you can do it.
Once you get some solid sober time you will find your self confidence begins to soar again.
You might also find the priorities you want out of life changing and you will be in a positon to answer the call and go grab what you want.
It might not include your current bf either.
Please get sober.
You're so worth it.

bayliss

I definitely don't want to keep writing posts like this...and I am sorry that I have been doing that lately.
I definitely need to surround myself with sober people...
I wish I could do it on my own. As AA isn't something I want to do - I have tried...
I am going to read as much as I can, surround myself with sober people constantly...try to avoid sitting at home and doing nothing and go out and do something **!}.
I might go back to see an addiction's counsellor but not the one I used to see as she really made me want to chug a beer after seeing her. :/

I recently got some exercise equipment that I haven't really used, so I am going to start working out and hopefully that makes a change as well.
Thanks Langkah.

Fandy

I hope to read about you posting some time sober. it can only help you.

try taking a picture of yourself today..just with the phone in the bathroom or somewhere private. stay sober for a few days. take another picture after that. you will be amazed at the changes. the bloat from your face, the blotchy red cheeks, dead eyes will go away.

bayliss

That's actually a really good idea.
I think I will do that...I will probably also look pretty depressed if I take a picture today, lol. I can only imagine the changes.
I will keep you posted.

Thanks a lot Hooped for your encouraging words. They brought a smile to my face. )
To anyone with encouraging words - thank you!
I am looking forward to having more confidence.

soberred

Learn to love yourself Bayliss. You are worthy :ghug3

Deserto

Hey Bayliss, maybe you can volunteer while you're looking for a job, to get you out of the house and help you meet more sober people?

Sounds like you have a good plan in place with your mom. Are you close to your sister? She sounds like she could be a good influence/support for you.

Don't feel bad for writing any of these posts. That's why we're all here!

Wishing you strength.... and do keep us posted.

bayliss

Thank you very much Soberred.

And of course Deserto - I will definitely keep you posted and that really is a great idea! Maybe even volunteer at the Humane Society. I used to do that when I fell into depression when I was in highschool and I thought it helped...it will keep me busy and do good as well.
I am pretty close with my Sister but her work schedule is so crazy...I try and see her as often as I can though.
Thank you for your encouraging words and great advice Deserto - I really appreciate it beyond anything.


-Bayliss+

Deserto

The humane society is a great idea! Being around puppies and kittens would improve anyone's optimism about the world

bayliss

I think so too! That would be exciting and calm me down as well.

1undone

Volunteering is a great idea. I have a cousin who reads to children and helps out at her local library to help her stay sober. It's done wonders for her. Hey if you volunteered at a library you could work on a resume too!

collegegirl

It sounds like you're starting to feel better. I'm rooting for you, I hope you can kick the drinking and the boyfriend in the @ss (and soon!). You deserve someone who values you, and it doesn't sound like your boyfriend does. Wishing you the best!

Fandy

and I hope you stay sober this evening to start off.

wpainterw

Bayliss: You say you don't like AA. Is there some other group which would be more comfortable to help your recovery? I sense that you need folks (maybe not your boyfriend!) to help you believe in yourself, show you how you can really build a fine new life by believing in yourself, standing on your own two feet and saying "I can do this!" And you can do this if you have a friend or friends to help you out. And it seems to me that the best kind of friends for you right now might be recovering alcoholics, who have decided not to drink. Maybe you can find one or two and help them and they might help you and you can do this together. It's much better than trying to do it all by yourself or trying to rely on someone who isn't really helping you and who may in some ways be making it harder for you.

W.