SSIL75

I agree with fandy etc. I hope things are clearer to you when you sober up.

Fandy

How many times have you woken up this week, unhappy with the events of the day/night before, obsessed about them...and than drank to deal or not deal with them. This is the way I spiraled out of control too....and the depression was almost as miserable as the physical damage i was doing to my body.

my doctor didn't sugar coat it for me...he was factual, if i kept drinking XYZ would happen. it took me a month to come to my senses.

Terminally Unique

No. The alcohol is almost certainly warping your mind and your nerves by now, and it will get worse.

There is no future in addiction, Bayliss. None.

Zebra1275

Sounds to me like you left the party with another lover . . .alcohol.

Anna

Bayliss,

You made the choice to leave the party.

You made the choice to drink and get drunk.

You made the choice to not return to the party.

How is any of that your boyfriend's fault?

And, honestly, how is the fact your boyfriend doesn't support your sobriety, stop you from getting the help you need? That's a choice YOU are making. It's you, it's not him.

bayliss

You guys are right. It was all my fault - and the alcohol isn't helping the situation or any situation for that matter. I guess I was trying to get attention from him and that backfired on me.
When drinking these feelings intensify. I guess I look like a fool and now pretty ashamed.
I guess when people egg you on to drink and they know you can't handle it then it gets confusing as to how you should approach certain situations.
When he said I wasn't the life of a party anymore and offered me to have a few drinks - well I did. And than some more and it for a bit out of control.
Yes. Alcohol definitely warps the mind and emotions for sure. Things that usually wouldn't make a difference become magnified after a few drinks.
It wasn't a party to begin with. We went to the party already, they just decided to go for more drinks.
I knew sorta that I probably should have headed home instead.
I guess I need to reevaluate some things. Of course if you drink all the time you don't love yourself.

Fandy

Anna makes some good points. You are desperate for your BF's attention but he is on a different mindset because he is not dependant on alcohol. He doesn't have respect for you andd doing what you do is not helping the situation, you are coming across as "pathetic" to him.

Now if you are sober this morning, you'll take astep back and look at the escalating problem. and without blaming anyone, take responsibility for yourself. You go on about all the energy and time you have poured into your relationship, but you come across as selfish and very self-centered, unwilling to change.

I hope you stay sober today and find some strength.

bayliss

I don't think I am self centered or selfish at all. I do a lot of things for my boyfriend and want to make sure that he is happy. So I disagree with you there.

I know I need to take responsibility for my own actions.
I am trying to change. Addiction is hard.

bayliss

Anna -- My boyfriend not supporting me makes sobriety a tad difficult at times when we live together and he sits there drinking. So yea, I think support from my boyfriend would be beneficial for me to start getting sober.

Terminally Unique

You need to understand that it is affecting you even when you are not drinking. That anxiety, restlessness, and depression that lingers on for days after you stop drinking is caused by the alcohol. It may seem like you are sick and that alcohol is medicine, but the alcohol is what is making you sick in the first place. You will need to put some time between you and the last drink before this becomes clear, however. For now, I would encourage you to just take my word for it.

gaffo

"Whatever. I let it go. Although I was upset." That's just more passive aggressive BS. It's a lowdown dirty way to get what you want, and not even very effective at that. So BF is a jerk. If you told him that straight up you might actually solve a problem or two. If that's what you want.

One of the many many reasons that I decided to quit drinking was to sort out my emotions and behaviors in my marriage. I wish I could say that all worked out the way that I wanted it to after a week of sobriety. It didn't but it did give me a fresh perspective (between cravings). It made me a better partner.

Give yourself a break. Quit drinking at least long enough to pull yourself together and get a little self respect. You'll be glad you did!

Congratulations on finding SR. If you want to quit/think about quitting this place rocks.

Good luck.

Fandy

egg you on to drink? are you saying that someone twisted your arm, held your nose and poured it down your throat? or repeatedly offered booze to you.

either way, it probably is a good thing to avoid this type of social outing if you are really trying to stop drinking. if your BF takes you seriously, it would be helpful. but ultimately it's your choice to drink or not.

what kind of energy are you putting into this relationship? whatever you are doing, it's not working...because from reading your statements you do come across as very selfish, you are doing what YOU want to do. (and that's not necessarily a bad thing, but in this case yes)...you aren't working on sobriety, you quit your job, you are feeling craptastic everyday...but you don't change the gameplan.

you stated that you think you are done with drinking....are you planning to stay sober today? it's the biggest hurdle sometimes, sticking to your decision.

recoverywfaith

Your life does not have to be a dead end road anymore. Alot of good suggestions here for getting clean and sober. So glad you are seeking help and sharing at SR.

All my prayers you realize you deserve to have a life free from alcohol.

bayliss

**{Fandy}} Obviously no one twisted my arm when it came to drinking yesterday - I am addicted! So if you stick to a plan to not drink and then people are like 'oh, have a drink or two' sometimes you can hold out on your own and other times something just snaps and you think to yourself "okay, one or two drinks"...that never ends up being the case though. I definitely didn't stick with my initial plan but today is another day.

Selfish? I still don't agree with you - I know I am destroying my life and alcohol is getting me nowhere...I am not sure you know my relationship, I just told you one instance and I realized that I was wrong in doing what I did...but I do give a lot and always put others before myself.
And even though I am trying to quit and be better I am not getting drunk every single day from morning noon and night - there definitely have been days that I did that and I am not too proud but I am actively looking for work - doing housework and renovating, realizing what my hobbies are, reading up on alcoholism and trying to find something that will work for me.

Definitely have gotten a lot of good advice...
And definitely need to reevaluate everything once I have been sober for a while.

Threshold

You're kidding right? How could HE? YOU,knowing full well how you act when you drink, went and got drunk, and you are blaming HIM for putting you in a dangerous situation?

What you are doing wrong is refusing to take any responsibility for yourself, your behavior and well being, and playing roulette trying to make someone else take care of you, so you will feel like you are worth being taken care of.

How do I know this? I played the same game, some days I still do. The only real answer is to wake up, get clean and learn to take care of ourselves. Then, we don't have to worry whether someone has our back.

Threshold

Well, there are a couple possibilities here, maybe he doesn't love you all that much. Or maybe he is wondering why YOU, who claim to love him, would go off and get drunk and behave so irresponsibly.

And, believe me I know how hard this is to hear, he may not be there to support you if you quit drinking. That's life. You can do it without his support if that is what you need to do.

Putting the power and responsibility into the hands of someone who may not want it, or be capable of handling it, is unwise. It IS your life.

You can continue to "test" him like this and use his supposed failings are excuses why you can't get sober, or you can take your life into your own hands.

wpainterw

Bayliss:
Sounds like you're trying to do two things at once. Give up alcohol and maintain a good relationship with your boyfriend. Also sounds like these two goals are so interrelated that you tend to just keep going round and round without getting much progress. I doubt that you'll get very far unless you put the alcohol issue as your first priority. Get going on some kind of program to give it up completely, avoid alcohol related gatherings for quite awhile. Talk it over with your boyfriend and tell him that this is a priority for you (and for your relationship with him). Ask for his support. Make sure he realizes that everything is subordinate to sobriety. That you can't relate to him without that but that you so much want this to be possible. I sense that if you do this and if he agrees to work with you on this and really does that then you can get somewhere. Good luck.

W.

Deserto

I have to say I disagree with the direction of advice that is being given to you here, if I am recalling the details of your situation correctly.

While I agree that you were playing games to get your boyfriend's attention, I think he treats you so poorly (from what you have written) that your sobriety is going to be extremely difficult until you get some distance from him.

This isn't the first time he's left you downtown or at a bar, if I recall correctly. This is a guy who has to go to work or sleep to "think about" whether he loves you back when you tell him you love him. At best he is reconsidering your relationship together, at worst he is someone who keeps smashing your self esteem -- so no wonder it is low.

You're in a rough spot, Bayliss -- dependent on this guy who is (it sounds like) emotionally abusive; you're living in his mother's basement without a job.... this is all true, correct? I'm getting the story straight?

I think you've said before that you couldn't go home to your parents because it would break your mother's heart when you came to leave again. I don't know anything about your relationship with your parents but I'd call BS on that. That's just an excuse not to do what I think you know you need to do -- get some distance from this guy and your living situation so you can have a stable enough foundation to start building sober time and (equally importantly) your self esteem.

Your mother's heart won't break if you go home, get your act together, and then move out again. You wouldn't be the first young adult to move home for a while to reorient their life.

If I were you, I'd get out of that basement and put some distance between you and the boyfriend. Maybe that distance will allow you guys the breathing room to get out of this cycle you both are in. Maybe that distance will allow you to see that you deserve someone better. I can't say. But I think you need that distance. Go home for a few weeks or months. Go stay with a friend if you can. But get out of that basement and that constant criticism of you -- it's wearing you down.

To me, your boyfriend sounds incredible immature, inconsiderate and childish, if not downright mean, yet you keep looking to him for validation. It's not going to come from him.

I think you're in two lousy relationships -- one with alcohol, one with your boyfriend. And I think, unfortunately, that you're going to have to tackle both at once.

You deserve a lot better than what you're getting right now, though. Anyone does.

FoundmySelf

Bayliss, before you can love anyone else... please learn to love yourself.

Soberween

I'm with Deserto on this one. My goodness, Bayliss admitted she was wrong and some of you seem to enjoy kicking someone when they are down. Her actions are symptomatic of the disease. "Uncle" already! We're all flawed human beings. Geez.