Feelings of resentment/jealousy...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Macomb, Michigan
Posts: 65
Feelings of resentment/jealousy...
Hey everybody, sorry for the late post but I just got off work a bit ago. I've been struggling for these last couple of days with cravings and tremedous resentment towards just about everyone in my life right now. Some of it is normal I'm sure. I'm feeling resentful towards others who can 'socially' drink, which I figured would happen and is justified especially given my current job (restaurant/bar server). We cater to a lot of 'functional alcoholics', people that may drink excessive amounts of alcohol on any given night, but still manage to have a family, friends, job, etc. I guess there's a possibility that these ppl share the same repercussions that I have faced but they do a damn good job of hiding it (as I guess I did). In addition to this I'm feeling some strong feelings towards my friends and family.
I apologize if this gets a little bit long, but I feel like I need to get a lot of this off my chest. During the better half of my life my mother has been addicted to prescription meds. I grew up constantly in fear that I would lose her, and almost did on several occassions. That period of my life was a living hell for me. I would come home and half of the time she wouldn't be there, she would be in the hospital for complications from her addiction and when she came home from work all she did was sleep. I lived with her up until the age of 16 at that time she was forced to move closer to her work. By this time she had gotten into several accidents and couldn't afford to keep the car. I moved in with my grandparents and aunt/uncles and cousins home. Although I had spent most of my time there during those past years, I never really felt at home, I felt almost like a permanent visitor instead. This event seemed to coincide with the beginning of my drinking career. While drinking, for the first time in my life, I actually felt like I could blend in. My apprehensions were broken, and I felt free to be whomever I wanted to be.
Well eight years down the road and things have gone completely downhill. My mother sank further down into depression while at her new apartment (more drug abuse, hospital visits, an attempted suicide, and a few trips to the psychiatric hospital). She ended up quitting her job, getting on disability and moving a few blocks from my home. From here things got worse for me. She is constantly over the house due to my enabling grandparents. Some times she will say things to me, but most of the time she does nothing but sit on couch and watch tv with that same glazed look in her eyes. It physically sickens me. To make matters worse, all of those years of drug abuse have led to her having some several cognitive and behavioral impairments. She literally acts like a five-year old child. I have tried everything I could think of to be nice and courteous to her but I am at my emotional and physical limit.
Which brings me to the rest of my family. As I have mentioned my grandmother is a major enabler and although I have pleaded with her to stop this I can understand her concern with her daughter. The rest of the family just seems to sweep it under the rug (which is a habitual action). I guess I really don't know where I fit into the equation anymore. My mother cares more about pleasing my grandmother then she does about me. I am close to my aunt and uncle but their kids dominant their life. Just being in our living room you can see the heirarchy. They have a bunch of pics of them and only one of me...(same amount as my other cousins). I considered myself academically gifted...graduated high school top 10% of my class, just graduated with honors from a major university this year (had a few hiccups tho). It just seems like no matter what I do, no one takes notice. My cousin's are in a different position. The older one is a college dropout, who has no direction and no purpose in life. He is also a prescription drug user and is starting to develop an addiction. But guess who's addiction is talked about at family get together's...? Sometimes I just want to let go of this little secret, just to see if maybe it'll push the balance of power a bit.
Which I guess brings me to my friends. Most of them are non college students. They still live with and take advantage of their parents. It just baffles me how someone could be so undeserving of such a beautiful and joyous thing. For example, I was over one friends home early today. And as soon as I saw his mother she gave me a hug, asked me if I was ok, and how my recent legal troubles were going. To give a comparison, my own mother didn't say a word to me for at least 2 days after I had gotten out of jail because "she didn't know what to say"....
Any thoughts guys...? All this resentment stuff is kind of new. But I guess it does make sense that all this is coming out during sobriety. I've used alcohol to cover this up for a while now...Thanks for letting me vent
I apologize if this gets a little bit long, but I feel like I need to get a lot of this off my chest. During the better half of my life my mother has been addicted to prescription meds. I grew up constantly in fear that I would lose her, and almost did on several occassions. That period of my life was a living hell for me. I would come home and half of the time she wouldn't be there, she would be in the hospital for complications from her addiction and when she came home from work all she did was sleep. I lived with her up until the age of 16 at that time she was forced to move closer to her work. By this time she had gotten into several accidents and couldn't afford to keep the car. I moved in with my grandparents and aunt/uncles and cousins home. Although I had spent most of my time there during those past years, I never really felt at home, I felt almost like a permanent visitor instead. This event seemed to coincide with the beginning of my drinking career. While drinking, for the first time in my life, I actually felt like I could blend in. My apprehensions were broken, and I felt free to be whomever I wanted to be.
Well eight years down the road and things have gone completely downhill. My mother sank further down into depression while at her new apartment (more drug abuse, hospital visits, an attempted suicide, and a few trips to the psychiatric hospital). She ended up quitting her job, getting on disability and moving a few blocks from my home. From here things got worse for me. She is constantly over the house due to my enabling grandparents. Some times she will say things to me, but most of the time she does nothing but sit on couch and watch tv with that same glazed look in her eyes. It physically sickens me. To make matters worse, all of those years of drug abuse have led to her having some several cognitive and behavioral impairments. She literally acts like a five-year old child. I have tried everything I could think of to be nice and courteous to her but I am at my emotional and physical limit.
Which brings me to the rest of my family. As I have mentioned my grandmother is a major enabler and although I have pleaded with her to stop this I can understand her concern with her daughter. The rest of the family just seems to sweep it under the rug (which is a habitual action). I guess I really don't know where I fit into the equation anymore. My mother cares more about pleasing my grandmother then she does about me. I am close to my aunt and uncle but their kids dominant their life. Just being in our living room you can see the heirarchy. They have a bunch of pics of them and only one of me...(same amount as my other cousins). I considered myself academically gifted...graduated high school top 10% of my class, just graduated with honors from a major university this year (had a few hiccups tho). It just seems like no matter what I do, no one takes notice. My cousin's are in a different position. The older one is a college dropout, who has no direction and no purpose in life. He is also a prescription drug user and is starting to develop an addiction. But guess who's addiction is talked about at family get together's...? Sometimes I just want to let go of this little secret, just to see if maybe it'll push the balance of power a bit.
Which I guess brings me to my friends. Most of them are non college students. They still live with and take advantage of their parents. It just baffles me how someone could be so undeserving of such a beautiful and joyous thing. For example, I was over one friends home early today. And as soon as I saw his mother she gave me a hug, asked me if I was ok, and how my recent legal troubles were going. To give a comparison, my own mother didn't say a word to me for at least 2 days after I had gotten out of jail because "she didn't know what to say"....
Any thoughts guys...? All this resentment stuff is kind of new. But I guess it does make sense that all this is coming out during sobriety. I've used alcohol to cover this up for a while now...Thanks for letting me vent
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Ksquared))) - I think it is normal in early recovery, or at least I went through similar feelings. I was angry - that people could drink/use and not face the consequences I did. I also had to move back home, and stepmom really likes her pills, dad is an enabler, and it's just really uncomfortable some times.
What has helped me is reading here and on the Friends & Family forums. I've learned how to not let what other people do affect me, though I'm far from perfect and still slip and side.
I can't remember exactly how long it took me to get over the anger and "it's not FAIR" feelings, but I did. I was also working as a server, and the "drunk and disorderly" just made me irritable. After time, though, I was just glad that wasn't me any more.
Hang in there, sweetie - it does get better, but when we've been numbing all our feelings for a while, they seem to come out of the woodwork for a while.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
What has helped me is reading here and on the Friends & Family forums. I've learned how to not let what other people do affect me, though I'm far from perfect and still slip and side.
I can't remember exactly how long it took me to get over the anger and "it's not FAIR" feelings, but I did. I was also working as a server, and the "drunk and disorderly" just made me irritable. After time, though, I was just glad that wasn't me any more.
Hang in there, sweetie - it does get better, but when we've been numbing all our feelings for a while, they seem to come out of the woodwork for a while.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,351
Hi Ksquared
I think most of us have the resentment about other drinkers. I shared on a similar thread about this recently.
I think the more you stay sober and the more you build a sober life that you want to live, protect and cherish, the less you'll worry about other people and what they're doing
As for those resurfacing resentments...I remember when I got sober, a whole raft of resentments resurfaced - some of them were decades old.
Obviously, as you've deduced, we bury a lot of resentments deep with our drinking.
My parents were not very good parents. I was envious of my friends parents too as I was growing up.
I carried that envy and resentment with me all my adult life, and all through my drinking years - I mostly pushed it to one side with drinking and drug taking...and eventually it became so much a part of me I didn't realise it was there most of the time.
When I got sober all that resurfaced and I had to deal with it, or otherwise let it consume me.
With a lot of work (and some counselling) I eventually accepted the fact that my parent's parenting skills weren't very good - and no, it wasn't fair, and yes, I got a raw deal - but I really believe now they did the best they knew how to do.
I also believe that I still turned out pretty darn well, against the odds - not because of them but despite them - and I have to give thanks for that. I'm no saint but the 'rot', as it were, stopped with me.
You're a unique individual Ksquared - you've faced addiction, you've faced heartache, you've faced bad parenting, and probably a million other things - and you're triumphing....
give yourself a pat on the back....and maybe stop listening to the opinions of those with their own troubles, flaws and inner demons to deal with....
and maybe stop comparing yourself to others quite so much too - I think you're doing great
D
I think most of us have the resentment about other drinkers. I shared on a similar thread about this recently.
I think the more you stay sober and the more you build a sober life that you want to live, protect and cherish, the less you'll worry about other people and what they're doing
As for those resurfacing resentments...I remember when I got sober, a whole raft of resentments resurfaced - some of them were decades old.
Obviously, as you've deduced, we bury a lot of resentments deep with our drinking.
My parents were not very good parents. I was envious of my friends parents too as I was growing up.
I carried that envy and resentment with me all my adult life, and all through my drinking years - I mostly pushed it to one side with drinking and drug taking...and eventually it became so much a part of me I didn't realise it was there most of the time.
When I got sober all that resurfaced and I had to deal with it, or otherwise let it consume me.
With a lot of work (and some counselling) I eventually accepted the fact that my parent's parenting skills weren't very good - and no, it wasn't fair, and yes, I got a raw deal - but I really believe now they did the best they knew how to do.
I also believe that I still turned out pretty darn well, against the odds - not because of them but despite them - and I have to give thanks for that. I'm no saint but the 'rot', as it were, stopped with me.
You're a unique individual Ksquared - you've faced addiction, you've faced heartache, you've faced bad parenting, and probably a million other things - and you're triumphing....
give yourself a pat on the back....and maybe stop listening to the opinions of those with their own troubles, flaws and inner demons to deal with....
and maybe stop comparing yourself to others quite so much too - I think you're doing great
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Macomb, Michigan
Posts: 65
Thanks for the kind words guys. I feel a lil bit better today. I know I have a lot of work to do towards fixing these issues and now that I am sober can face it with a clear head. I am planning on visiting either a nar anon or a coda meeting this week, hopefully I can get some insight on not letting other peoples actions affect me...as this seems to be my biggest downfall.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1,028
Hey Ksquared! Glad you posted. Like Dee said, you may have gotten a "raw deal" in the parenting department but you have some gifts! You never know how others are truly feeling inside and why they do what they do so it's best not to compare! I learned that pretty quickly in AA!
I'd give you a big parental hug if I could because I'm sure you are owed a few!. Consider how your life will be different if you can stop the cycle by learning about addiction and healthy relationships!
Someday you may have your very own family that you won't have to feel like an outsider in.
Keep posting and put you first. Forget all the crazy family members as you can only change you!
I'd give you a big parental hug if I could because I'm sure you are owed a few!
. Consider how your life will be different if you can stop the cycle by learning about addiction and healthy relationships! Someday you may have your very own family that you won't have to feel like an outsider in.
Keep posting and put you first. Forget all the crazy family members as you can only change you!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Where the sun is always shining
Posts: 425
Originally Posted by Dee74 
Hi Ksquared
I think most of us have the resentment about other drinkers. I shared on a similar thread about this recently.
I think the more you stay sober and the more you build a sober life that you want to live, protect and cherish, the less you'll worry about other people and what they're doing
As for those resurfacing resentments...I remember when I got sober, a whole raft of resentments resurfaced - some of them were decades old.
Obviously, as you've deduced, we bury a lot of resentments deep with our drinking.
My parents were not very good parents. I was envious of my friends parents too as I was growing up.
I carried that envy and resentment with me all my adult life, and all through my drinking years - I mostly pushed it to one side with drinking and drug taking...and eventually it became so much a part of me I didn't realise it was there most of the time.
When I got sober all that resurfaced and I had to deal with it, or otherwise let it consume me.
With a lot of work (and some counselling) I eventually accepted the fact that my parent's parenting skills weren't very good - and no, it wasn't fair, and yes, I got a raw deal - but I really believe now they did the best they knew how to do.
I also believe that I still turned out pretty darn well, against the odds - not because of them but despite them - and I have to give thanks for that. I'm no saint but the 'rot', as it were, stopped with me.
You're a unique individual Ksquared - you've faced addiction, you've faced heartache, you've faced bad parenting, and probably a million other things - and you're triumphing....
give yourself a pat on the back....and maybe stop listening to the opinions of those with their own troubles, flaws and inner demons to deal with....
and maybe stop comparing yourself to others quite so much too - I think you're doing great
D
I think most of us have the resentment about other drinkers. I shared on a similar thread about this recently.
I think the more you stay sober and the more you build a sober life that you want to live, protect and cherish, the less you'll worry about other people and what they're doing
As for those resurfacing resentments...I remember when I got sober, a whole raft of resentments resurfaced - some of them were decades old.
Obviously, as you've deduced, we bury a lot of resentments deep with our drinking.
My parents were not very good parents. I was envious of my friends parents too as I was growing up.
I carried that envy and resentment with me all my adult life, and all through my drinking years - I mostly pushed it to one side with drinking and drug taking...and eventually it became so much a part of me I didn't realise it was there most of the time.
When I got sober all that resurfaced and I had to deal with it, or otherwise let it consume me.
With a lot of work (and some counselling) I eventually accepted the fact that my parent's parenting skills weren't very good - and no, it wasn't fair, and yes, I got a raw deal - but I really believe now they did the best they knew how to do.
I also believe that I still turned out pretty darn well, against the odds - not because of them but despite them - and I have to give thanks for that. I'm no saint but the 'rot', as it were, stopped with me.
You're a unique individual Ksquared - you've faced addiction, you've faced heartache, you've faced bad parenting, and probably a million other things - and you're triumphing....
give yourself a pat on the back....and maybe stop listening to the opinions of those with their own troubles, flaws and inner demons to deal with....
and maybe stop comparing yourself to others quite so much too - I think you're doing great
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,047
I'm sorry for your situation and with a clear head things will get better. The replies so far have been outstanding and all my words are taken, except..
They're in the public eye though, they're not at home. Their home life could be a complete turn around from what you're seeing at the bar. I know a few people drank like fishes at a bar and seemed happy, but their home life was a complete disaster. They're doing what we did for our drinking careers, draining out the bad with poison and waking up with the situation still there.
people that may drink excessive amounts of alcohol on any given night, but still manage to have a family, friends, job, etc.
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