plzhelpmymum

Hi everyone - I am feeling anxious to type...I registered to this community being as #1 - I see (have done some lurking)..that there are a LOT of other people out there that are like me....and #2 - I REALLY need advice/help in regards to my mom. This is kinda a double whammy so to speak...

I will start out by telling the "Reader's Digest" of my story...(please bear with me being as I have not been in therapy before and only see a Psychiatrist whom prescribes me my anti-depressant, (NOW Cymbalta - but have tried just about all the SSRI's through out the past 5 years). My Dr. put me on Cymbalta about a year ago and I am weaning off of it because I am trying to just "deal" with my emotions...but...i don't think I am ready...(will discuss later) -
5-1/2 years ago was the happiest day of my life...I gave birth to triplets. I went into PTL and gave birth at 29 weeks, 2 days. I was scared as could be...(was pre-eclamptic) and had an emergency C-section...but my babies were being born!!! (I was SO naive) - They thankfully were born without being on ANY vents...and were sent down right away to All Children's which is attached to Bayfront Hospital. They were/are micro-preemies... (2 lbs. and change for all of them) - However - I was THRILLED! Little did i know i was in quite the ride of my life when living, eating and breathing the NICU at All Children's...
Fast forward....(first time writing all this again...sorry if I am all over the place) - On May 21st, 2006 - was the WORST day of my entire life. I received a call from the NICU at 5 am - one of my sons had developed NEC...it had spread and perferated (sp) his bowel...the speciality surgeon was called in...my mom was staying with me at the time...(my husband is an LPN and worked nights at a ner by hospital) - I called him at work - he rushed to the hospital - we all met up - his whole family was there...mine...The surgeon met with us and said that she would go in via Lap and see if there is anything she could do to save his life...BUT she warned us that it didn't look good. His whole body was green...he barely had a BP...his eyes were black from the morphine he was on...(a picture in my mind I will never forget). Anyways - long story short...as you have guessed...nothing could be done - all the leads were taken off of him...he was handed to me and i dressed him in what should have been his "take home outfit"...and he passed in my arms at 12:15 pm. that Sunday.
My other two babies needed me....I could not "deal" with losing my son at that time. I was numb. yes, i bawled my eyes out and thought it was just a horrible nightmare that night when going to sleep...(my mother handed me a xanax and told me to relaxxxxxx...) After 10 hours of sleep I woke up to my breasts engorged from not being pumped when they should have...and the realization (sp) that my son had passed. It was not a nightmare. It was true. I had NEVER to that day ever experienced death before. Not even with a pet. After I lost him....i gave everything I had to my other two babies...they stayed in the NICU for another 8 weeks...came home finally..and that is when I broke down. I saw a Psychiatrist whom heavily medicated me therefore I was unable to breast feed...(probably a good thing because I started to smoke again and lived off of coffee, soda and cigs). I LOST all of my baby weight...(I am usually 108 lbs...was 210 when giving birth)...I was a skeleton when the babies came home. I think I weighed about 98 pounds. EVERYONE walked around on egg shells around me...nobody would talk about Corbins death....NOBODY besides my husband. He lost himself into his job...and I stayed home with the babies whom were on apnea monitors, had refulx, colic..Drs. appts. ALL the time....doing it all by myself. My mom lives 2 hours away so she came over every other weekend. My in laws, (these are their ONLY grand children) next to never stopped by....and they literally lived around the corner from us. My father in law, (I don't get along with him now) never liked the fact that I went thru IVF to have the babies and resented me for it... He is a control freak and when my mother in law, (whom is very sweet) would ever try to come over and help or make me dinner, etc...would put his foot down and say "NO!" IF she needs help SHE will call us. Don't just go over there on your own". He was right in a way....i should have asked for help but I didn't. I just ran around the house like a robot...did NOT go thru post pardum despression because I adored my babies...BUT I was not healthy...i wasn't eating...taking care of myself, etc. SO that is when my husband stepped in and made me see a psychiatrist that made me basically feel "numb".
FASTTTTT forward - SO - after the kids were a year old I decided to get a part time job. My husband would work his schedule around mine so we could both work and be the only ones taking care of the kids. My father in law does not work - didn't offer to babysit, (to THIS day he doesn't offer unless we have a get together beforehand)....(That is a whole other subject to explore but not now) - SO all i could do was part time. We were struggling to make ends meet being as we relied upon my income so much before we finally got pregnant. Our plan with IVF was to have one healthy baby...YES - we were blessed with three but in our naive minds we thought "how expensive can it really be??" - Yes...DUMB...we have learned and grown up SO VERY MUCH....
SOOO......i started working at a Vet hospital...made a new "friend" that saw how tired and worn out i was all the time....(at this point I gained back 10 pounds and looked my normal weight). She told me about this "Miracle pill" that would fill me with energy!!! AND it would have no "come down effect" like pain killers do....(I would always, (back then) get real tired and sick to my stomach after about 3 hours from taking a pain killer). This miracle med was/is called TRAMADOL. We had it at the animal hospital in BULK...i am talking about 7 or 8 bottles with 1000 pills in it. She handed me about 5 or 6 and said to try them at home first. I was on clonezpam at this time along with my sleepy Zoloft. SO - i go home after working a 10 hour day, (I would work 2-3 seven to ten hour days per week....popped one 50 mg. tramadol...and felt a bit sick to my stomach but then... I felt like SUPERRRRRRR MOMMMMMMMM! I could get EVERYTHING done at such a great speed!! One felt soooo good so why not pop another...and so on... I ended up over a year's worth of time popping 8-12 50 mg. tramadol tabs PER day. I could not take anymore from the hospital even though they did not take inventory....(was too scared to) - so i started to spend my whole check ordering it online. I HID this from everyone - including my husband. He thought I was just "BACK" to being me again....(I used to have a lot of energy prior to having the kids). I would come up with excuses aka LIES as to where my check was going..."oh...i had to buy some extra stuff for the babies...." I made up fake Drs. appts. because the co-pays were so high I knew i could easily hide an extra $60 with that excuse...I was taking SO much tramadol and popping clonezpam like m&m's as well so that i could sleep at night. I took myself off the Zoloft and decided to stick with the wonderful Tramadol and Clonezpam "method". I lost ALL of my weight again...(stopped eating and lived off red bulls, pills and cigarettes). I ran OUT of meds...had no idea what withdrawal was until that fateful day....and broke down - told my husband everything....quit my job....and just went through withdrawal at home. It was HELL. I ended up in the hospital because my arm started to go numb...my husband thought i was going to have a stroke or something. The Dr. told me..."you can't get addicted to tramadol...so lets run some blood work and see what else is going on with you". (If you are a skeptic too google tramadol addiction online and it is just as bad as any opiate withdrawal). My potassium was VERY low....scary low...they "bagged me"....it burned like H*LL!! Sent me home with a script for potassium supplements...started taking them daily...was finally "clean" off of Tramadol....but still taking clonzpam as needed.
About 6-7 days months later (from not working) - I decided it was time for me to work again...i was healthy...kids were doing great...time to find a full time job. I landed a job at ANOTHER animal hospital, put the kids in daycare and that is when the WORST trouble began.
At this animal hospital I could NOT take any tramadol being as they counted EVERYTHING...(that was a good thing for me). HOWEVER - i was making pretty good money...worked with someone that seemed "up and happy all the time"....we bonded....found out that she was taking the lovely Roxi's....she gave me one at work being as i wanted to "try it out"...(once an addict-always an addict is what i thought". I immediately fell in love with them and started taking $100 per week from my check and blowing it on roxi's. I was not losing weight at this time but then came the frightful day that I ran out...it was a Friday night. I did not have any contacts other than HER to get my "fix" from. She was in Colorado and stupid me ran out of pills. Part of my job was to take care of the animals at the hospital on the weekends. I KNEW my in laws were out of town and my father in law takes Oxy's (80's & 30's) due to a cyst he has had for years on his a**. It was a "known" thing that he had so many of these meds because he would run out some months...go thru w/d until he would get his new RX. I decided to go into their home when I **thought** nobody was home...(I knew the key pad code to their garage) - went inside...went straight to their bedroom where i knew his "stash" was and started to take them out by the handful. Sigh....that is when my brother in law, (he was watching the dogs and asleep when I came in) - found me in the bedroom with the pills in one hand and the bottle in the other. I was in SHOCH and didn't know what to say. My brother in law just starred at me and said "how long has this been going on??" I said..."longer than I can remember..but this is the first time I have done anything like this". He said "Well...either you tell Dad or I will....you have until the end of the day to call them". At that time i was PISSED....i thought...Can't you back me up??? Can't we pretend this never happened?? But no...I had to come clean. I ended up putting MOST of the pills back and kept three for myself being as I had to make the dreaded phone call and knew i could not do it sober. I ALSO had to tell my husband. He was understanding yet FUMING angry at me. I was not the person he had married...we argued a lot....i made the horrible phone call to my father in law whom SHOCKINGLY forgave me right then and there. He told me to get help and that only my husband's side of the family would know about this...he promised never to tell my mom or step dad. My husband found a link online about Suboxone. I refused to go to rehab...(that is what i should have done but i could not bear to go without seeing my kids). Went to see this quack Doctor that prescribed me suboxone....BUT i became knowledgable on the subject BEFORE taking it being as i read horror stories about it and knew that it was just another "band aid". He prescribed me 16 mgs. per day....gave me a script for a week...then when I came back he prescribed me enough for a month. At that time my insurance covered the medication but not the co-pays. I saw him for a year. He thought I was taking it as prescribed but I wasn't. I was taking WAY less. I never took more than 8 mgs. per day...read online about a weaning process....and got off of it after a year. I am proud to say that i have NOT touched any sort of pain pill since. I look back to those horrible years and wonder why I did what I did to myself and after self analyzation I came to the conclusion that i was self destructing. I hid this from my family the ENTIRE TIME. About 6 months after quitting suboxone I told my family. Their reactions were astounding. They all said "we knew you had some sort of an addiction problem because of the way you looked....but were afraid to say anyting to you because we knew you would just deny it". ya know....i named my daughter after my mom...that should tell you how close we are..well...WERE... If it was MY daughter and I thoguht she had a problem...even if i thought she would deny it i would still call her bluff. That to me...is LOVE.. However - during that time whe i was popping pills a lot happened in my life. My mom told me that my step father had an affair....my grandma passed away....my beloved Golden Retriever passed....then my cat...(thought of them as my children being as we didn't think we could have kids)....my mom began drinking...and when she did...she would turn into a BEAST. She said some horrible things to me one on one. She actually told me that the reason why my step dad had the affair was because of ME...she said that I was SO NEEDY when i lost my son....(now remember that nobody talked to me about the subject...nor helped...so WHY or HOW was I needy??) - and that my Grandma needed her so much when she had her stroke.....(she passed a year later)....that she could not keep up with her house cleaning, meals - or giving my step dad the attention he needed. She FORGAVE him and has turned into..well...a drunk.

This is where I need help. Prior to giving birth my life was what i consider normal. My husband and I did home improvement projects....(we ended up losing our home because we could not keep up with the high mortgage). We ended up in a VERY small apartment....then to a much larger and very nice apartment...but lost THAT because it was too expensive...and are now living within our means. Since I quit the animal hostpial job after being there 2 years - i have not had a job since. The kids started Kindergarten this year and I am looking - have some great prospects and think I will land something soon....NOT in the medical/animal field. (playing it safe).
I don't get to see my mom except on holidays and maybe birthdays...(she used to go ALL out on our birthdays but now with her drinking so heavily - and with her HIGH job demands...(she has a very demanding/high profile job)....she said "she doesn't have time for anything else". OUCH. yes, she told me this when she was drunk....she is drunk ALL THE TIME. The only time she is sober is when she works. RIGHT after work she pops open the wine bottle and drinks a bottle EVERY night. My step dad kisses her a** so much that he won't bring up the drinking subject with her. Right after the affair she went and had breast augmentation done being as this other woman had..well...large lungs...and my mom lost about 15 pounds. On the OUTSIDE she is gorgeous. She looks WAY younger than she is. On the inside - she is miserable. My mom sends us money here and there to pacify herself because she feels guilty for not spending time with us and her grandchildren. I have two brothers that both live close to her. They see all of what I have seen and more and agree that if my mom does not get help soon she will wind up in the hospital with pancreantitis or worse. WHAT can i do as her daughter?? I have told my mother that i know she is an alcoholic. She even admits to being one. She laughs about it and says "So what! I go to work everyday...i do my job...i take care of my house and my responsibilities...if i want to drink than i have the right to drink".. she thinks its funny....EVERY time we get together which is rare....once everyone goes to bed, (I stay the night usually) - she brings up OLD dirt from the past about my step dad, gets enraged...OR brings up stories about my grandmother, (she was not the best role model as a mother) - gets angry/frustrated and says some HORRIBLE things to me. It is to the point that I don't even want to see her anymore UNLESS she is sober because my kids suffer. They look SO forward to seeing her and are disappointed every time because she makes promises she can't keep. "We will go to the park"....."we will go to the toy store". Instead - she drinks glass after glass of wine....my stpe dad just sits on his recliner chair and watches in silence... as I think of a way to help her but know that I can't unless she wants the help....OR can i??? WHAT CAN I DO???? Christmas is coming up as we all know...I KNOW by the time we get there she will be lit. I do NOT want the kids to see her this way everytime they see her. Last time we visited I caught her teaching my 5 year old daughter swear words. Of course my daughter thought it was great but NO!! She can't do that!! She tells me that i am too uptight...AM I??? I don't think so?!?!!? Please...advice..help...what do i do???
Sorry for this being sooooo long....geez....but i wanted to provide as much info. as i could. Help. Help. Help!

Dee74

Hi Pixie

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry for your loss and for your struggles but so I'm pleased you've turned your life around

As for your mum - you're right that she has to want to change - you can't externally force the desire to change on her...

but there are things you can do to take care of yourself and your family in all this, in setting up boundaries and making them clear to everyone.

I hope you'll check out our Family and Friends forum too - you'll find a lot of people there who know exactly what you're going through:

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Welcome to SR
D

Dee74

Double.

plzhelpmymum

Hi Dee - I will check out that group you told me about. ANY advice would be SO appreciated. I feel helpless sitting here not doing anything about her drinking. I feel as though I will be responsible IF something horrible happens to her...she doesn't drive while drinking thank God....BUT - her body...she already has the beginning stages of COPD from smoking...afraid of what the heavy alcohol use is doing to her. IF her job knew about it...WOH....it would make the news..I, of course, am being as cautious as possible...and that is why it has taken me so long to type any of this - EVEN about myself. Being her daughter and doing what I did could have hurt her career in a way too. Ugh.....I get told from my husband that I obsess too much over her habit but when my gut is telling me otherwise - sorry dear husband...i love you..but my gut has never let me down...
Anyways....thanks so much for listening. I know I rambled a lot! I just re-read what I wrote and WOW...i was a typing ma-chine!!

Dee74

When I was drinking noone else was responsible for what happened to me - I was.
You must know that too from your addictive history, Pixie?

Have you spoken to your mum about this, ever?

D

plzhelpmymum

Whenever we talk about my addiction she gets really angry at me. It doesn't get brought up often but when it does, (and you have to realize that we don't talk on the phone much because we can only talk when she is at home after work - and already drinking) - I quit because I had hit my rock bottom and it was either quit...or live a life of shame and possibly lose my beloved children and husband. I quit because I wanted ME back...not some robot "acting out each and every day" in a pill filled haze...I was OVER it. I was mad when i got caught...YET it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I got help - yet my husband also helped me...BUT..I wanted the help. Definitely.
I told her that I was the SOLE cause for my problem. I did not blame anyone other than myself. She laughs at her problem...i get annoyed and hold it inside. I can totally relate..i can -I think of that show "Nurse Jackie" when she laughs at herself in the mirror saying that she will never quit. Most of the time I was popping pills (not the Tramadol) I was very depressed when i was "coming down"...even wrote a "will" online being as I just wanted to die in a way.... (I have never told anyone that before)... Would it help if I wrote her a long letter???

Dee74

I think you know your mum better than any of us here.

Some people do respond to letters, others respond to gentle concerns expressed verbally - but others will react in a negative way to those same things.

I always reacted pretty badly to any attempt to change my behaviour for example.

I dunno - do you think a letter would help?

D

sugarbear1

What are you doing about your addiction? What help do you get? Addiction is an inside job.

plzhelpmymum

I can't believe it has been so long since I have been in this online forum...(it is the ONLY group I joined online). I TRIED to go to two alanon meetings but it was not a good experience. (Too long to explain). I am hoping to stay more active here in this online community where everyone as I can see really gives out good advice, asks great questions, etc.. My mom's problem has only become worse and now she is about to take her "early retirement package" which scares the **** out of me b/c that means no sobriety from 7a-6p anymore during the week when I can actually talk to my REAL mom... I have already told her that the kids and I will NOT be coming to her home for spring break...(she has a pool, game room, etc...) - and she lashed out on me...yet the kids are old enough to see how she changes after that third glass of wine...and last spring break she drank so much one night she told me that I was ignored for the first two years of my life b/c she was so depressed...(now of course diagnosed as PPD).. My step dad still doesn't say a word about it...to her..or myself...(I have since TRIED SO HARD to get him to help with an intervention but he didn't comply b/c of his cheating in the past - aka feeling of guilt).
For those whom asked about my addiction - I see a therapist that tells me to only focus on myself - that i cannot help those whom do not want the help...Sure...i know he is right...i would have flat out denied my problem years ago if anyone were to "put me on the spot". I would have laughed at them and called them out on all of THEIR problems...ignoring mine. YETTT...she is my mother! How...please...tell me HOW to just drop her out of my life? I feel as though THAT is the worst thing i could do...afraid she will drink that one drink too many...wind up with pancreantitis...(AGAIN) - in the ER...and who knows what else. Sorry, I think i am just rambling here... Anyways...it is good to be back and I am going to wander over to the group help section....forgive me as I lurk a bit ...(rolling my eyes)..

Dee74

Good to see you back Plz
As hard as it is, sometimes we have no choice but to go no contact, I think.

The hope is it'll be for their benefit as well as ours.

Have you looked at our Family and Friends forums?

D

Anna

Welcome back!