startle

to make this first post. Not like I'm trying to quit or anything. Had hoped to start the new year being non dependent. I get shaky just thinking about it. In 03 I quit smoking, never thought that was possible but it was and I hold on to that about perhaps being chemical free. I'm an alcoholic, can't believe I said that, don't think I would actually say it to anyone I know. Don't like the term cause I'll take anything that will get me to that warm fuzzy place that I won't remember tomorrow. I've been dependent for over 30 years on various stuff. I have only hit bottom once, in 76. I have never been homeless since. For the last twenty years I only use on the weekends or maybe nonstop on vacation or something. I can't get through Sundays sober. I have Anxiety that I can't seem to handle. I hate that I probably like smoking am a person who can't have any. Wish there was a secret to use in moderation. No matter how I try one drink leads to the end. I have seen a doctor and tried some happy pills rather be the jerk I am than how they made me feel. I wish I could get tranqs to help me through the weekend then I'd be ok. I need to stop now or I'm gonna start lying. I can't seem to get to that place where I really want to quit. I feel very close I don't see I have a chance at it if I don't want real bad. just rambling.

Anna

I think most of us here wish that there was something magical that could make us moderate and drink 'normally', but we've all found out that there isn't.

I'm glad you posted and I hope that you can decide to quit drinking. Know that you can live your life without any kind of chemical to help you get through things. We are here to offer you support if you decide to stop drinking.

neferkamichael

Theres no shame in admitting you are an alcoholic, although I too felt shame and anger in the beginning. I was dependent for 42 years, and now have 1 year 5 months sober, 96 days off crack. Still smoke cigs but I'm not giving up. I figure I ramble to, but posting is what helps me spend time in a productive way. Plenty of people here to help you Startle, so keep posting.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

langkah

This spot you're in is called wanting to want to quit. At some future point you'll want to quit, maybe you'll even try very hard to quit.

Dee74

welcome startle

When I first got here I wasn't sure what I wanted to do either...my life was pretty bad, but drink and drugs was all I knew - this place helped me make up my mind, and gave me support when I needed it...

I hope we can do the same for you too

D

DayTrader

Startle, your story sounds almost exactly like mine. It's not up to me nor any of us to say whether you're an alcoholic or not. That's really your call. What I can say is that discovering I was an alcoholic didn't make me feel better, stopping drinking didn't make me feel better (for long). Getting involved in recovery and working the AA program made all the difference in the world though.

Most of my depression, my anxiety, my feelings of not measuring up, feelings of constantly trying to manage life, continual pressure, etc etc etc all fell off me as I focused on recovery.

I may have been able to feel better by taking antidepressants but I didn't, under any circumstances, want to be a slave to the pharmaceutical industry anymore than I wanted to live another 10, 20, or 40 years like the previous 10. Although I didn't believe there was any value to be found in AA, I went anyway. Slowly, I became more and more convinced that what I was doing was making a difference. There was no denying I was getting happier, feeling content more often and for longer periods of time. Life was definitely getting better.

I can pretty much guarantee the same possibility exists for you in recovery....but you've got to give it a legit shot. Needless to say, there are a ton of ppl here and millions around the world who'd be happy to tell you that here IS a better life available. Whether you're willing to try it is, of course, your decision to make.

artsoul

Welcome startle!

I held onto the idea for years that if I just tried harder, I could learn to drink moderately, which is one drink per day for women (2 for guys). But when had I ever been satisfied with that?!!!!

Getting out of the vicious cycle has been a relief. I hope you stick around - there's a lot of inspiration and support here......

1undone

Welcome I'm sorry you are in so much pain! Admitting we are alcoholic is so hard, I guess that's why the saying, "admitting it is the first step." LOL I'm being serious though.

The term alcoholic brings up so many negative images in my mind and I'm one of them! This is a tough road but at least I can see what's in front of me.

EmeraldRose

Welcome Startle. This is a great place to start if you're not sure where to start.