For those that read my other thread..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: IL now
Posts: 218
For those that read my other thread..
I feel so terrible for my wife, she had to call the police on her own husband because I had lost my mind.. she basically had a nervous breakdown..
I'm trying to see it from her perspective.. I totally get that the event is damaging, and she can't lose the memories like I apparently did... but what I don't know is why, during a serious time in my life, a time when I decided to start coming clean and the result was this, is she abandoning me? Her past, she has some issues with an alcoholic father who abused her mother. I've never abused her, I'm a really laid back normal nerd type of guy.. I just want her to be there for me, for her to tell me everything is ok and we'll work through this, but she has completely abandoned me... anyone out there who had a SO that wasn't abusive, but just drank a lot, how did you react to your SO? Did you push them away? Try to get them help? I've been drinking pretty regularly every night or every other night for about 2.5 years.. we're on our 5th year of marriage as of today, and I just feel like the ticket I just got is a problem, but not having my SO there to support me, to ask the doctor, "Why did this happen to him?" Is a stab through the heart.. I want to be more compassionate to her reasoning for doing this...
I'm trying to see it from her perspective.. I totally get that the event is damaging, and she can't lose the memories like I apparently did... but what I don't know is why, during a serious time in my life, a time when I decided to start coming clean and the result was this, is she abandoning me? Her past, she has some issues with an alcoholic father who abused her mother. I've never abused her, I'm a really laid back normal nerd type of guy.. I just want her to be there for me, for her to tell me everything is ok and we'll work through this, but she has completely abandoned me... anyone out there who had a SO that wasn't abusive, but just drank a lot, how did you react to your SO? Did you push them away? Try to get them help? I've been drinking pretty regularly every night or every other night for about 2.5 years.. we're on our 5th year of marriage as of today, and I just feel like the ticket I just got is a problem, but not having my SO there to support me, to ask the doctor, "Why did this happen to him?" Is a stab through the heart.. I want to be more compassionate to her reasoning for doing this...
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: In a Good Place
Posts: 484
I am sorry for what you are going through. This is easier said than done, I understand, but I would start off with a long prayer then I would move on in your journey toward sobriety. I would hold my head up high and be proud of my decision. Be a man and face the charges and the situation with your wife. You cant control her and the more you run toward her the faster she will pull away (trust me on this one). Move forward with or without her involvement.
If she sees you trying to get healthy and being STRONG you will have a chance. If she sees you wallowing, crying, begging for forgiveness (over and over) you will have much less of a chance. I would take each hour on its own. What can I do to make myself a better, sober person. A better husband, father, etc etc.
You cant change what happened, but how you react will impact the rest of your life. DUIs come and DUIs go, the ambien hurt you- I have no doubt- dont blame anything on the ambien- take responsibility and move on. Be glad you didnt kill someone and looking at a 10-15 year jail sentence.
Good luck, and I look forward to a reply someday saying how GREAT things are going for you. You can do it!
If she sees you trying to get healthy and being STRONG you will have a chance. If she sees you wallowing, crying, begging for forgiveness (over and over) you will have much less of a chance. I would take each hour on its own. What can I do to make myself a better, sober person. A better husband, father, etc etc.
You cant change what happened, but how you react will impact the rest of your life. DUIs come and DUIs go, the ambien hurt you- I have no doubt- dont blame anything on the ambien- take responsibility and move on. Be glad you didnt kill someone and looking at a 10-15 year jail sentence.
Good luck, and I look forward to a reply someday saying how GREAT things are going for you. You can do it!
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by SoCalDude 
I'm trying to see it from her perspective..
This recovery is on you. Do it. Get sober. Walk the walk and let your actions speak for themselves.
Don't let you addicted mind turn this into an excuse to drink!
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
SoCalDude,
I agree with the answers you've gotten thus far.
You aren't recovered and you are talking about her saving you? SoCalDude I have been married 39 years. My wife could not do one thing to help me recover from my alcoholism. No one could make me quit, scare me quit, or help me quit. I was so totally not abusive that my wife and two grown sons told me when I announced that I was going in the hospital for detox that I didn't have a problem I just needed to moderate.
Did it ever occur to you that she HAS been hanging in there longer than many others would have? And that finally she sees you able to come out of it,and now she can be free to live her life?
If I may make a suggestion? If she indeed has had a nervous breakdown, what have you done to get her help and treatment. I do notice that a lot of folks get divorced during recovery of one spouse, or both.
Might I suggest that you check out the threads about families of alcoholics and not comment just read there in these forums and see what the other side deals with?
I agree with the answers you've gotten thus far.
You aren't recovered and you are talking about her saving you? SoCalDude I have been married 39 years. My wife could not do one thing to help me recover from my alcoholism. No one could make me quit, scare me quit, or help me quit. I was so totally not abusive that my wife and two grown sons told me when I announced that I was going in the hospital for detox that I didn't have a problem I just needed to moderate.
Did it ever occur to you that she HAS been hanging in there longer than many others would have? And that finally she sees you able to come out of it,and now she can be free to live her life?
If I may make a suggestion? If she indeed has had a nervous breakdown, what have you done to get her help and treatment. I do notice that a lot of folks get divorced during recovery of one spouse, or both.
Might I suggest that you check out the threads about families of alcoholics and not comment just read there in these forums and see what the other side deals with?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: IL now
Posts: 218
Originally Posted by Itchy
SoCalDude,
I was so totally not abusive that my wife and two grown sons told me when I announced that I was going in the hospital for detox that I didn't have a problem I just needed to moderate.
I was so totally not abusive that my wife and two grown sons told me when I announced that I was going in the hospital for detox that I didn't have a problem I just needed to moderate.
Thank you so much for your posts, it helps me a lot.. I finally realize that I just need to start DOING and stop looking for excuses or reason.. just get sober and let God guide me on the right path...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Alaska
Posts: 1,458
Well I don't know your history exactly but this was obviously not the first time she had to deal with your addiction right?
Next, like Itchy said, maybe think and offer to HELP HER with recovery.
I've told my hubby that I would love it if he would come to the friends and family side of the boards here just to read and see from their/his side.
Many family members do not understand our addiction. They think it's a weakness of character. My husband did and STILL does somewhat, that said though I'm so grateful for him standing by me.
Have you ever asked your wife to go through counseling with you? You may get a lot of anger directed at you from her but she needs to have her feelings and mostly her anger validated. After all, probably from her side she sees you as a irresponsible, weak, drunk, not someone with an incurable disease. You know?
I'm by no means any sort of expert and hell, I'm only on my 4th day of recovery but hubby and I have been kind of going through our own hell now for about 8 1/2 years or so, give or take.
As it stands, it was only just a weekend or two ago that I plopped into bed at 11pm next to my husband crying, waking him up accidentally (because of my drunken movements I was pretty loud) and finally started crying and told him I need professional help. I was drinking heavily, on the verge of starting cutting again or possibly ending everything.
Good luck to you! :ghug3
Next, like Itchy said, maybe think and offer to HELP HER with recovery.
I've told my hubby that I would love it if he would come to the friends and family side of the boards here just to read and see from their/his side.
Many family members do not understand our addiction. They think it's a weakness of character. My husband did and STILL does somewhat, that said though I'm so grateful for him standing by me.
Have you ever asked your wife to go through counseling with you? You may get a lot of anger directed at you from her but she needs to have her feelings and mostly her anger validated. After all, probably from her side she sees you as a irresponsible, weak, drunk, not someone with an incurable disease. You know?
I'm by no means any sort of expert and hell, I'm only on my 4th day of recovery but hubby and I have been kind of going through our own hell now for about 8 1/2 years or so, give or take.
As it stands, it was only just a weekend or two ago that I plopped into bed at 11pm next to my husband crying, waking him up accidentally (because of my drunken movements I was pretty loud) and finally started crying and told him I need professional help. I was drinking heavily, on the verge of starting cutting again or possibly ending everything.
Good luck to you! :ghug3
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,499
I feel that my drinking was abusive to my husband. I didn't see it that way at the time, but it was a form of abuse.
Focus on you and getting sober. Your wife is doing what she can and you can always find support here at SR, if she is not able to support you right now.
Focus on you and getting sober. Your wife is doing what she can and you can always find support here at SR, if she is not able to support you right now.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,146
I drank as you've described for the first 6 yrs of marriage, and when I got sober there wasn't much left of trust or hope. I wanted to not drink or suffer any more and I understood if she couldn't stay any longer. If she stayed or went I was going to try for a better and sober life, regardless.
She stayed and after 3 years doing the AA stuff she mentioned the years of hell were worth going through to get what we had at that point.
Of course your spouse is nuts and at the end of her rope, that's the healthy reaction to the mad and terribly strained life we lead and our loved ones are dragged down with us without the illusions that booze provides us. They see the reality of things that we cannot and it's a really bad deal for them.
She stayed and after 3 years doing the AA stuff she mentioned the years of hell were worth going through to get what we had at that point.
Of course your spouse is nuts and at the end of her rope, that's the healthy reaction to the mad and terribly strained life we lead and our loved ones are dragged down with us without the illusions that booze provides us. They see the reality of things that we cannot and it's a really bad deal for them.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 254
I don't mean to be harsh, but you're not doing yourself any favors by minimizing this...a criminal charge isn't "a ticket"...I'm not sure that your wife believes that you accidentally drank....I know the cops won't...
The last thing I want, is to make this harder on you, but if you can minimize this a day after it happened, you're going to drink again...your wife is going through some very, very rough stuff...let her...
Hang in there, and take care of yourself...
The last thing I want, is to make this harder on you, but if you can minimize this a day after it happened, you're going to drink again...your wife is going through some very, very rough stuff...let her...
Hang in there, and take care of yourself...
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
SoCalDude, what you have written in this thread and in the other two tell me that you are going to be OK, and things will turn around quickly for you. You are looking for some help and understanding from your wife, and you will get it, but you need to take action first.
This is what I suggest:
Start eating the right food, get some exercise, get a haircut. Walk the walk. Go for a walk. Make some obvious external changes to your life that your wife will recognize. Let your actions tell her what your choice is going to be.
Make that commitment to yourself that you will never have another drink, so that you can have that future that you wish for so deeply with that beautiful long-suffering woman who married you.
When you do these things, your life will turn around. You can do these things, SCD, with no difficulty at all, for the simple reason that you must. You likely have only one shot at this, messing up is not an option.
Keep posting here, we have a lot of SR time invested in you, buddy.
This is what I suggest:
- Lose the booze. This means the liquor, liqueurs, spirits, wine and beer. All of it out of your house.
- Dispose of the empties. Dump em in the trash, or recycle them.
- Make the rule in your house that there will be no alcohol until further notice. Nobody needs a drink badly enough for you to permit it in your home.
- Take the Ambien back to the drugstore for disposal, that stuff is bad for you.
Start eating the right food, get some exercise, get a haircut. Walk the walk. Go for a walk. Make some obvious external changes to your life that your wife will recognize. Let your actions tell her what your choice is going to be.
Make that commitment to yourself that you will never have another drink, so that you can have that future that you wish for so deeply with that beautiful long-suffering woman who married you.
When you do these things, your life will turn around. You can do these things, SCD, with no difficulty at all, for the simple reason that you must. You likely have only one shot at this, messing up is not an option.
Keep posting here, we have a lot of SR time invested in you, buddy.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
SoCal,
You can't win them all. If you aren't doing anything but hand wringing you can't even win one. If you start doing, as you said, you might win one, and that give you the confidence to do another and win, and pretty soon the wins outnumber the losses.
Don't try, do, with patience. Your skills are rusty.
Rome wasn't built in a day. No alcoholic was ever built in even a year. Demolition is faster than building, but has to be planned so there is no collateral damage. You can't build in rubble either, or without blueprints.
You can't win them all. If you aren't doing anything but hand wringing you can't even win one. If you start doing, as you said, you might win one, and that give you the confidence to do another and win, and pretty soon the wins outnumber the losses.
Don't try, do, with patience. Your skills are rusty.
Rome wasn't built in a day. No alcoholic was ever built in even a year. Demolition is faster than building, but has to be planned so there is no collateral damage. You can't build in rubble either, or without blueprints.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,921
I'm trying to see it from her perspective.
You can't. You have a history of drinking that she has dealt with, and now she is trying to deal with the latest issue. Her trust in you has been harmed because of your continued alcohol use. She probably doesn't know what to do with you, her marriage, her life. It's going to take time to repair all of that (and there's the chance it can't be repaired).
There's been lots of good advice given so far. Your primary job right now is to stay sober.
You can't. You have a history of drinking that she has dealt with, and now she is trying to deal with the latest issue. Her trust in you has been harmed because of your continued alcohol use. She probably doesn't know what to do with you, her marriage, her life. It's going to take time to repair all of that (and there's the chance it can't be repaired).
There's been lots of good advice given so far. Your primary job right now is to stay sober.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 254
I agree with Zebra...there are trust issues...maybe if there had been months or years, or even weeks in between, but you were 4 days off of a binge (if I've read correctly)...there are serious credibility issues...this isn't a stab at you, I'm just trying to let you see it from her side...
I'd venture that most of us here had serious credibility issues to overcome...you're in good company...stick around and get well....I know you can do it...take care of yourself; she needs to take care of herself...
I'd venture that most of us here had serious credibility issues to overcome...you're in good company...stick around and get well....I know you can do it...take care of yourself; she needs to take care of herself...
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
I drove my wife away with my lifestyle, drinking and alcoholism. People can only take what they can take, right? I had to come to grips with that. Her decision to leave was the best thing she could come up with for HER. Eventually I quit blaming her for her decision to leave and was able to see she was simply doing the best that she could......much like I was when I was in the grips of alcoholism. Right or wrong, her decision was hers to make and it was selfish thinking on my part (the same thing that took us over the point of no return in our marriage) to believe her role in life was to stick by me "one more time."
It didn't feel good to admit that I was the one who pushed her over the line.....not her fault that the line wasn't further away.
It didn't feel good to admit that I was the one who pushed her over the line.....not her fault that the line wasn't further away.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: IL now
Posts: 218
All excellent responses, thank you all so much for taking the time and patience to explain everything... I'm so lucky to have a group like everyone here to talk to.. I've taken it all to heart, and I'm still sober today, that's good enough for me. Tommorow, I'll worry about tomorrow. 
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