dontknow21

So obviously by the thread title you can assume that I'm lost. So hear it goes.

When I was 13 I began smoking pot which I thought was no big deal. I also began drinking, not alot but for many weekends that's what was my plans. By the time I was 15 I knew I liked drinking a little too much. I liked how it made every emotion fade. So from then on I didnt drink and never let the idea of drinking cross my mind.
My family is full of addicts so I have always been somewhat scared of drinking and taking pills. The strongest thing that I would take for awhile was excedrine migraine.

Well right before my 21st birthday I broke my ankle. So I went to the ER, and they gave me pain meds and then when I went to the actual orthopeadic doctor she gave me more of the pain pills. At first I was taking the pills like prescribed and that faded. I began taking them when I was restless, angry, sad, etc. And I noticed that when I didn't take them I became even more restless and seemed to get somewhat angry. So I immediately shoved them to the back of my dresser drawer- and assumed that I forgot about them.

About a month ago I got into an argument with my mother and ran for the pills. The pills that I keep refering to are hydrocodon( not sure if spelling is correct). Before I knew it I had the pills in my hand and I began to crush them. Within seconds I was snorting them. I honeslty didn't know if it would even give me a high feeling , but deep down I knew to do something to get a numb feeling. Within seconds I got the feeling of numbness like all the other emotions were gone. But that quickly faded and minutes later I was doing more and mroe. I knew it was wrong but still that one part of me could not let go of them.

The day after that I told myself no about them. But I was only awake for a few hours before I was in my room crushing more pills. I just wanted emotions to fade. The next day which I higly remember as being a friday. I woke up, quickly got into an argument with my mother, and ran for the pills, but I couldn't crush them. I ran and threw them in the toilet and flushed them away. Within seconds I wished I hadn't done that, I had the quick instinct to reach my hand in the toilet after them. I left the house for that day I had to get away. I did lunch with a friend and I was fine for a little while. But the pills were on my mind the entire day. But then I remembered that now I was 21 and could drink alcohol legally. I had the immediate reaction of wanting to get alcohol. I knew it would be easy to get, just walk into a liquor store or gas station but I didn't. This occured in late November, it is now December 14th and that thought has still not left my mind.

I think about getting alcohol alot, and how I would only drink a little. But I know that after drinking just a little I would have a hard time not wanting more and I don't think I could trust myself with that. At this current point there is not really a day that goes by that I don't think about getting more pills or getting alcohol. So I am lost..

Am I an addict? But I think I may have answered that for myself.
I would still appreciate responses..

Dee74

Hi don'tknow

I think you probably know the answer too.

At the very least it'd be fair to say you have a problem not thinking about getting high in some way, yeah?

A lot of us know where you're at. But it's possible to change our lives and leave the drugs the booze and the obsessions behind

Although you have to make the inital decision and commitment to change things, I think supports very important in staying clean and sober- & you'll find a lot of that here, and some ideas about where to get support in real life too

Welcome to SR

D

jocata

Glad you found this site. If you have clos family members such as mom or dad who are addicts, then your chances of becoming one go up greatly. Thinking about drinking or drugging is the obsession part of the disease. I drank and abused tons of pain medication for the same reasons you did, to feel numb. The pain meds actually gave me energy and feelings of uphoria. If you abuse them for too long, they can be very difficult to stop. Do a lot of reading of other posts on this site, and post your struggles and thoughts as well. Lots of people here are more than willing to help.
God Bless

Fenris

Welcome to SR, dontknow. It's really good that you're asking yourself these questions and that you're capable of noticing the hold the pills and booze have over you -- a lot of times it's difficult for an alcoholic/addict to be that honest with themselves. I know that I used pretty much any chemical I could find to change the way I felt "normally", and it's always been about escaping for me -- I really just didn't like how I felt clean and sober, or I'd run into a situation that I didn't feel like dealing with and try to blot it out. If you keep reading and posting here, you'll find a lot of people who understand what you're going through -- some that still struggle with it daily and others who have made it through to the other side. You don't have to feel this way. Other than this forum, I use AA and I can honestly say that I feel better today than I ever have in my life. The thought of going back to drinking and drugging (the rare times that I have those thoughts now) feel like they would be a step down from how I feel today. Not that everyday is perfect -- but it's better. I hope you find that you are as honest with yourself about embracing a solution as you are about identifying your obsession. Keep coming back.

--Fenris.

sugarbear1

You have the potential to have an awesomely sober life or to ruin it like others have by pretending there's no problem....What kind of life will you choose?

dontknow21

Hey yall. I just wanted to thank everyone for their warm/encouraging replies. And family wise, i do have many people in my family who are addicts, some are in recovery and well some arent. Mom and dad arent addicts, but one uncle, brother, aunt, grandmother, paw paw and two cousions. So yea i guess you can say its in my genes. I have seen what being an addict can do to people and down the roads it can take you. I dont want that kind of life. For weeks i have thought that maybe im just over thinking it, but now after i saw what i actually wrote and how it looked. Now i know that something is up with me. And i want a sober life and i will have one. Thanks to all the regards.. keep posting. For the longest time i thought that i was only considered and addict if i actually hit rock bottom, but now i know that even though i havent went as far with drugs and booze as others- that i can still have a problem. A problem that im gonna take day by day.. so again thanks to everyone..

So i guess here goes the journey.

Hevyn

don't know - I was the same way. For years, I'd promise myself I'd just have 'a little'. Of course there was never a time when I was able to stick to it. Once the first sips were in my system, all bets were off. It was much easier to just throw it out of my life all together. That way, no danger, no drama, or unpredictable behavior.

You can do this - we're here to help and encourage you as you go.