bayliss

Okay - so I am trying...I have cut down drinking quite a bit...I mean, I don't drink as much in the day as I used to..and I keep as busy as much as possible...I still have some...but whatever. I am trying!
Anyways...it's hard...the boyfriend drinks...

Okay - basically, I was going to stick to a few drinks...cut down...
But when I asked him if he loved me he said he had to think about it and would talk to me in the morning.
Why does he do this? What did I do to him? We were laughing just earlier...and then he was drinking...and he just turns mean lately, especially after I quit my job...he is always making snarky comments. I am so lost...
No...I don't want to go to AA. It isn't my thing.
I am reading up as much as possible about alcoholism and I know I'm an alcoholic...and I don't want to see the counsellor I saw because talking about booze made me want to drink it more. After a few appts I would go to the liquor store right after because I was so anxious and wrought with stupid emotions.
I am at my wits end!!!
The other night I cried so hard and asked what was the point. Family is half way across the world, and the one person I need advice and love and support from is being an a$$hole.
It makes me so sad.

Another rant from me...
At least I keep coming back...instead of disappearing off the face of the planet.

EmeraldRose

I'm sorry Bayliss.
Are you quitting or just cutting back?
Are you really unsure of his love for you or using his answers as a reason to drink? With my ex, I knew the answer before I asked the question...so why ask, I knew what he was gonna say and I knew what my mindset would be after I asked it. Then I'd feel the need to drink more because 'he said this or that'.
What about a rehab program...have you looked into anything like that? I think if you really tried harder to stop -regardless of his drinking, you'd feel better about it all.

Dee74

I think it's good you keep coming back bayliss - it's good to see you

Like ER said tho, I found I was far better able to deal with things and work out what I wanted to do with all aspects of my life when I stopped drinking completely.

I felt hopeless helpless and powerless for years, but I'm none of those things.

While I was drinking it was like I was voluntarily putting myself into a state of delirium again and again - and the effects lingered even when I was sober.

D

bayliss

I am not really sure what his train of thought is half the time...he comes from an old-school family...woman should do this and that and the other...his family is just so volatile and messed up at times...I feel like it contributes a great deal to my drinking since I live in the basement of his Mom's house and I just can't get away unless I am drinking...
I am cutting down...or have been...since I quit my job I drank so much more...as soon as I woke up...and I haven't been doing it that much...some days are definitely better than others...but he drinks...as often as I do at nights and lately he has been just rude when he drinks...since I have been off my meds and such I have been able to tolerate my booze more and more...not being able to get drunk and this contributes...or is ONE of the contributing factors as to why I just don't want to drink anymore.

The way he has been acting, makes me feel like he doesn't love me anymore...he doesn't say it, he no longer tells me I am beautiful. I have gained 40lbs since binge drinking so therefore no intimacy...which makes me feel like a piece of $hit and worse about myself, my self esteem has plummeted to a whole entire new low and sometimes I just think that -- well...what is the point..?
I am crying every other night...almost spontaneously crying for no reason during the day...
I don't know.

I almost wanted to kneel down out in the living room, by myself to pray but instead burst into tears and took a huge swig of wine...
Did it make me feel better? Temporarily...because I was deathly afraid of two things...
1) if I go out there and pray and it goes away then how do I cope? how do I do anything without booze anymore?
2) if I go out there and pray and nothing happens...it will just get worse...and I'll die from what I am doing.
Both very likely causes.
None of which will make my boyfriend become more honest with me as I am thinking this is all drawing to a close.
I have posted on here several times, some times successful then others...more failures then successes...but this time I just can't stop crying as I write this.
I feel like waking up my boyfriend...screaming at him for not understanding or being supportive AT ALL and just leaving...but I have no one...pathetic as that sounds...other then family across the world...I don't even have friends because that son of a b**&h booze is all that I have left and it is NOT making me feel better.

bayliss

Dee74...
I am afraid that if I quit drinking I will possibly see the relationship as it truly is...or maybe not, I don't know...I don't know what to think anymore...
I just don't want to lose the only person in my life that I have left...yes yes, there are plenty of fish in the sea...but I built such a foundation with this man...that i really love...and apparently just doesn't feel the same.

CamilleBelle

It's hard!! Seems impossible at times. I realized I had a problem back in October and have said I'm done multiple times! My husband is a normal drinker, so yea, It's hard, but I finally got the courage to ask him if we can have no alcohol in the house starting the new year and he agreed. Will be interesting to see how it goes. AA was not my thing either, but I went to a meeting, then another, may go back... it wasnt bad at all. but I hear every meeting is different. Good Luck with whatever path you take!

Dee74

It can be a wrench, and a scary prospect, to give up any longterm relationship I think Bayliss - be it with a bottle or a person.

I guess you need to ask yourself how good things really are if you say you suspect you're scared of facing the truth

Having read your posts for a while now, I really think you deserve a lot more that you're currently allowing yourself to have in your life bayliss.

I was scared of change too - I tolerated my life, as bad as it was, for years - but nothing got better - only worse until I made the decision to quit.

I've said this before - it's a real leap of faith to change your life and get into recovery - but I've never regretted it

I hope you give yourself that chance too
D

EmeraldRose

then how do I cope? how do I do anything without booze anymore?

I think this is your most profound statemnet so far. You can not cope without the booze living with someone who's love you question.
Well, as I see it you have two other choices...first stop drinking...
Go get help. Find some type of alcohol addiction program. If just a counselor didn't work for whatever reason, maybe a group setting will. Do inpatient rehab.
Or...you can do like I did...stop drinking...
Go online and find an apartment, pack, rent a UHaul and move. I just moved almost 1500miles -just my dog and I. I guess it depends on how bad you want the change.

I know there is no school for coping that is something that is a learned behavior that comes with different life experiences. I'm still learning how to cope in different situations and it seems once I master one, another comes along.

You're gonna have to make a choice to save your own soul.
Nothing will change until you decide to change.

1undone

What's keeping you from going home to your friends and family?

bayliss

Sometimes it does seem too hard...actually...it seems too hard all the time..whilst drinking...or whilst sober...when drinking I have lately noticed I need to shut up before I make the situation way worse then it already is...if it is in the first place.
It's funny...the boyfriend - as much as he drank himself, WILL BLAME ME for my questions even though I didn't drink as much as he did.
I keep thinking that I won't know how to cope tomorrow when he goes to work and i am stuck at home wondering what his feelings are about me...I probably wouldn't have been able to sleep...without those few glasses of wine I had.

Why can't I leave....
I can't...I can't leave and move back home...upheave my parents lives...it was hard enough for them to leave all they know and their children for me to go back and live with them at the age I am and with the struggles I have...watching me lead a miserable life trying to get sober and then once when finally happy to leave all over again...I know it would break my Mom's heart. Deep down I know she would want me to stay there forever.
And if I do leave and feel happier and more optimistic...then what would happen if I went back..I don't know.
I am too scared to lose my boyfriend. Like I said...as sad as it might be, I love him too much, verbal abuse at times, being mean, drinking around me, telling me I am weak whatever...or not...he is nice a lot of the times. I love him...
I love him...
But he makes me so sad sometimes...

1undone

You sound so sad and dependent on this man for your feelings, where to live, how to live, what to say; you sound obsessed with him. Maybe if you focus more on you and what will make you happy and healthy regardless of his words or his feelings towards you you will be more attractive to him. Right now it seems it's all about him and that drives men crazy. Well women too! Lol. Now that you aren't working I'm sure the obsessing over him is growing worse and he is pulling away? Obviously I know little about you but from what I've read this would be my best guess. Hang in there, at least get out for a long walk every day.

bayliss

It might be very true that the dependancy on him is becoming increasingly worse...more so since I no longer have a job and the finances are up to him...
I don't know how to cut loose...is it normal for it to be painful?
I guess it was because we began dating as soon as my parents sold our family home and we all had to move out...and at the time we just started to dating and he suggested we move in together...
I just really feel like I have no one at the end of the day and am constantly seeking his approval...

ReadyAndAble

Bayliss, you seem like a very nice person. And so I feel I must call BS on all of this.

First of all, verbal abuse is unacceptable. End of story. Of course he's nice some of the times. That's what they do. It's how they control their victims. Think about it: he has you worrying about how he feels about you. Do you know how backward that is? Dump him. The sooner the better.

Second, I think you are using your boyfriend and family and every other possible excuse to rationalize your continued drinking. Recovery is not a luxury, it's a necessity. Please do not wait for the perfect time to quit, because the perfect time does not exist. In fact, it only gets worse from here.

You're smart, you're young, you seem to have everything going for you. But if you don't quit, you will see your future turn to dust. You deserve better.

eJoshua

Hi bayliss!

Do whatever you have to do to quit drinking. It pains me to see you come and go and come and go. I just want to see you sober and happy!

least

Drinking makes it possible for you to stay in the relationship. So you're doing something that's bad for you in order to stay in a relationship that's bad for you... I hope you can quit the drinking (and the abusive bf) soon. Your life depends on it.

AdanteFornax

Might be a glib question but you say that aa isn't for you. Have you ever been to an aa meeting ?

I didn't want to go to aa either, hell, I didn't want to admit that I had an issue with alcohol. It was this or that, all excuses.

I am now 85 days sober, life isn't easy but it's certainly a lot better than anaesthetising it daily. My relationship ended around the same time that I became sober, it wasn't easy but the decision had to be made.

Good luck with your life and choices

bayliss

@Readyandable...the problem is I don't know if he is joking half the time or not...I guess when I drink I take things too seriously as well...when we are two sober people it seems to be fine..I guess if neither of us drank we wouldn't be getting into these petty arguments or telling one another to shut up...
That still doesn't change the fact that he doesn't know whether he loves me or not...as I asked him again this morning and he said we would talk tonight...then he changed his mind and said he does...I am just confused.

@eJoshua it's nice to hear from you and the ones that I have been chatting on and off with for the past...oh goodness...it's been since April now...and still struggling. I hope to put this to rest once and for all.
Hope you're doing well.

@Least...I know my life depends on it...I'm the type of person that puts others before me...that's why I just drink and slowly destroy my life and when I am sober I try to fix things and make others lives easier...or try to...

@AdanteFornax...I have been to an AA meeting...my first one..half drunk...I was made to think by people close to me that I should go even though I never wanted to.
I just didn't really like it...the people there were beyond lovely...but I just don't want to go. I met a lovely girl there...who I guess tried to be my sponsor...she still keeps in contact...but every time it's always like "I hope you find a higher power"...blablabla. I know my higher power. I know my God and I know he is with me...
This is just MY opinion and I am definitely NOT knocking AA - I am SO freaking happy for those that have gotten sober through it - and a little jealous...but it isn't for me. And if I believe my higher power...and still do what I do...I know it's up to me.
That is just me...I really hope no one gets offended over that...it's just me. No one else.


All in all...I know that if I don't make some big decisions in my life I will probably not end up living much longer...it's something that is sitting there festering in the back of my mind...I don't want to come to terms with it...but it's possible. I, essentially, need a kick in the ass.
I love my boyfriend - maybe this is just a product of my behavior for the past year for him to not tolerate it and just give me some tough love. He always says he gives me tough love and tries to be nice about it...I blame it on his upbringing to be honest...as I said...apparently everything is "all in [your] head". And you can just dismiss it.
If it only were that easy...
If only he were more supportive.

Thanks everyone for responding.
One day...and I hope soon...I will be on here...happier then ever...and sober. Hopefully with the same guy.

Fandy

I have to agree with this...are you actually ENJOYING the wallowing and misery? good excuse to drink isn't it? You've got all this TIME since you have quit your job. time to get sober, time to exercise and get healthy, time to pick your azz up and do something for your best friend, YOU. you just don't know it yet.

you seem to place yourself in the position of victim. it's a given that you are not happy...but only YOU can save yourself, by whatever method you find. play the tape forward both ways...keep drinking and arguing with your bf who you have given complete control, keep swilling wine and gain another 20-30-40 lbs and all the health problems that go along with it, the booze is going to age you really fast...next year you could feel worse.

or play this tape...where you WANT to stop drinking and get healthy both physically and mentally...this is the harder road, but so worth it. take back your control and your life...get out and do for yourself...you are worth so much more than your current situation.

get help where you can. you need some FTF support. please don't wait, life can be too short.

ru12

It might be of help to stop drinking for a while before you make big decisions affecting your life. At least for me, it took a while for my head to clear and for my emotional health to return once I stopped. I never thought I could stop, but I did.

Anna

Bayliss, I do think that you are feeling good about playing the victim role. I don't say that to be harsh and I used to do the same thing. But, please know, you're only a victim, if you choose to be. I have said before that you are way too dependent on your boyfriend and that you need to remove the focus on him and put it on you, if you want to recover.

Yes, it's scary, but I hope you make the choice to stop drinking and take control of your life.